You remember Dove. The beauty brand that brought us the “love yourself as you are” ads like these:
Look how much fun it is to hang out in your undies with your multicultural best gal pals!!!
They also brought us this “don’t fall for the beauty myth” video:
Apparently, though, they still want to remind us that while you maybe okay with your off-model freckled self, freckles better be able to show up.
In this ad, the soap promises users “visibly more beautiful skin” and shows before and after pictures. Do note the women that the words “before” and “after” are over.
It’s this kind of subtle and not-at-all-a-point-of-concern-for-dove’s-well-paid-marketing-team messaging that I rely on to remind myself why I’m trying to hard to escape my ethnicity. Thanks, Dove. I can only hope the soap works as well at this ad says. Fingers crossed!!
This post is shout out to my Asian brethren and sistren.
By now, many of you may have seen the video “Asians in the Library,” posted by UCLA student Alexandra Wallace. In this video, she discusses how Asians are getting in the way of her studying by saying things like “Ching chong ting tong ling long” on the phone to their families. She says that it’s distracting and rude.
And it is rude! We all know that this is not how good assimilants behave.
Good coconuts NEVER say things like “Ching chong ting tong ling long” in the library. Instead, try more majority-sounding things like “God, I wish those Asians would shut up. Let’s make a youtube video about it! This poly-sci sucks much anyway! Toodles!” That’s much more polite!
When your ethnic background includes knowing and understanding of the most complex languages in the world and holding family dear, for the love of God, don’t go showing it off. Save it for the meetings.
Or put it into a song like this kid did. I heart him!
For the record, Alexandra issued an apology. But what do you think? Should the apology have occurred to her during the time it took her to walk from the library to her dorm, set up a camera, go through her rant, edit it together, post it on youtube and tell her friends that she did that?
Went to my first stateside soccer game this weekend with @catnick (ps…if you’re looking for an event or headshot
I'm sorry, was there a game going on?
photographer, follow and hire him immediately!). Several things occurred to me about the sport.
It’s a lot like terrible foreplay. Lots of tension, not a lot of release. There’s soooooo much action. 90 minutes of sweating and kicking and passing and bending..aaaand, you think it’s gonna happen…that they’re going to make it in, they’re right there, right there, right there, almost, almost alllll—nope, no score. Sunday’s game ended in a tie, so at least both teams got theirs. That seems fair.
I’m totally torn as to where to file this for Oreo-approved events. I made a list of pros and cons and much like yesterday’s game, it ends in a tie. What do you think?
Pro: Not a lot of black players. This isn’t football or basketball where every other guy on the ground is an RBP.
Con: A surprising number of black fans. Unlike when I attend hunter/jumper shows or a regatta, I definitely wasn’t the only brown face in the crowd. #uncomfy
Pro: There’s definitely something Euro-chic about saying you’re a soccer fan.
Con: Because it’s worldly, and since most of the people in the world are actually of some sort of color (poor things!), you run the risk of liking a team peopled by browns.
Pro: Soccer players, by my estimation, have the best physiques in sport. Strong but not too bulky, flexible and lithe, fast and quick. And they know how to do such cool things with their balls.
Con: I couldn’t help making the terrible joke above.
So what do you think? Do the cons outweigh the pros? I’ve never been a huge team sport fan and I’d love to find some group to pledge my allegiance to. What teams do you follow and what brought you to them?
Another reason for my Oreo-ness is how people love to celebrate any ethnic holiday other than any ethnic holiday having anything to do with being black.
Hmm, are you really or are you just looking to get some without much effort?
As I indulged in my one whisky and ginger last night, I looked at all the not-Irish people wearing “Kiss me, I’m Irish” shirts. All those of Scandinavian, Mexican, Eastern European descent drinking away, spouting bursts of gaelic and loving the celebration. And I realized nothing like this ever happens on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
...or on Thurgood Marshall Thursdays.
Man, the Irish had it right. I mean, they were oppressed and do you see them demanding a whole month and bemoaning their past. At one point, the Irish were called the n-words of Europe. But do they march in the streets during the entire month of March, interrupt our regularly scheduled programming with awkward documentaries, find themselves insulted when restaurants serve specials on corned beef and cabbage, get bummed out when America reduces centuries of Irish history into a handful of stereotypes and excuse to make bad decisions or get mad when people put on green face? No. They embrace it.
And make emotionally complex, corkscrew like movies.
Maybe if the blacks would shrink Black History Month into one day full of liquor they might have a better sell.
And, no, by “liquor”, I don’t mean 40s. We could class it up a bit. Whisky gingers are good for all occasions.
Seriously, this thing doesn't offend people? It's like the pickaninny of Western Europe.
One of the features on the dating site OkCupid is the regular posting of fairly detailed analyses of their members and their behaviours.
The post I read today largely talked about how white people get the majority of emails on OkCupid (and incidentally, that black users get the fewest). But the truth is that white people get the most message because the overwhelming majority of daters on OkC are white. And if you remove them from the equation, daters actually prefer to message people of their own race.
Clearly they have not asked me my opinion about this.
However, a piece of info at the bottom of the article caught my attention.
They sorted the reading level of the messages sent and found that if you’re white, you get smarter emails!! I want can haz smarter emails! I love smart emails! Use a word I don’t know around me and my clothes pretty much fall off.
They also found that if you’re brown, you get sent dumber emails. And if you’re brown and receive an email from another brown person, your emails are the dumbest of all! But if you’re white or Asian, those same emailers class it up a bit!! What gives?!
And I can attest to the dumb email thing. Here are some gems I’ve gotten recently both on OkC and off.
“OW looks great. Oreo or not, I would cuff her.” (I don’t even know what that means…cuff?? I’m assuming he doesn’t mean “arrest.” )
“Hey, do you like young guys just for fun.” (I suppose it depends on what kind of fun. Shakespeare festival? Vaudeville night [like the one I’m performing in this weekend], kayaking?)
“HI YOUR SO PRETTY WUD LUV TO GET WIT U I WERE LOOKING AT YOUR PICS HIT ME WHEN GET A CHANCE WaNNa HoLlA AT U” (wud–, I’m sorry, would he really love to get with me? He doesn’t even know me. How on earth could he even conceive of what a relationship with me would be like at this early stage in the game?)
“Sexxxy!!!” (There’s something in the brevity I suppose I can appreciate, but what it has in succinctity, it lacks in substance.”)
So what does this mean? Are the browns just self-sabotaging themselves? Or is this more proof that it’s just a delight to be white? That you can be a dating master if you’re alabaster? That you’ll totally win if you have fair skin?
Or just that I should now step away from rhymezone.com?
Let us know what you think in the comments!
And since I like to write about dating, here’s some more:
A pal was glancing at my facebook photos and said, “wow, you really don’t have any black friends, do you?”
I got the feeling that he doubted the verisimilitude of my blog presence.
He was soundly corrected, but he did get me thinking. Maybe it is time I added another of color friend to join me around the wassail bowl this winter.
I was convinced this was the case this weekend when I shot a little short film that had a fairly large call for blacktors. It was actually kind of nice to reminisce about exactly which season of The Cosby Show had that weird-ass Calypso opening.
So, I need a new black friend. And thankfully, there’s an app for that.
An application that is.
Please pass this along to anyone you think might qualify. Or, if you’re of color, fill it out yourself. The winning friend and I will share Quiche recipes, swap Boxing Day memories and carpool to this year’s Dicken’s fair.
Bonus points goes to the referer of my new friend. If you refer a friend to me and s/he becomes the chosen one, you will receive a personalized anglo-tastic mix CD courtesy of yours truly!
The application is at the link below. Please email answers to oreo@theoreoexperience.com.
Good luck!
The link for the Black Friend Application is here for easy downloading and printing, or you can see the questions here:
The Oreo Experience Black Friend Application
Name:
Email:
Gate Code:
Multiple Choice
1. Jack and Jill is
a) a nursery rhyme
b) an unfortunate name for twins
c) potentially helpful, but should only be approached indirectly
2) It’s Sunday afternoon. Are you most likely to be:
a) sipping cocktails at the yacht club
b) standing on line for a J. Crew fire sale
c) suiting up for an AKC training event
d) slathering on the sunscreen—just in case
3) Sex : Use Protection as Cornrows :
a) Smile
b) Dance
c) Weep softly into your pillow
Short Answer
1. At what age and under what circumstances did you get your first relaxer?
1A. Did that relaxer hurt: (circle one)
Exquisitely
So good
Hurt? I’m not tender-headed!
2. Which HBCU makes you the most uncomfortable and why? (Bonus point will be award to your score if you do not know what HBCU stands for)
3. If your life had a soundtrack, which Broadway opening number would be yours and why?
4) Which character do you most relate to and why>
a) Ashley
b) India
c) Rhett
d) Scarlett
5) Have you ever cheated on the paper bag test? (If so, please describe method of cheating and any provide any tips).
So, Charlie Sheen has done a lot of bad. He’s spent a small fortune on illegal drugs, abused some women, made things
If that's not the wide-eyed stare of a devoted mentor, I don't know what is.
more difficult for his children, gave some anti-semitic quotes, starred in Hot Shots Part Deux and threatened the jobs of lots and lots of people by not getting help for any of the above issues.
But he did one thing right (and I’m not talking about how lives with deities–seriously, he calls his prosti– girlfrie– -er, roommates, “goddesses“).
Here’s what he did that’s so epic: He changed his crazy ethnic name to something way less Mexicany and thus put himself in a position to demand $3 million every time he phones in a performance for CBS.
That’s right. “Charlie Sheen” was born “Carlos Estevez.” And good on him for removing the brown from his name, and thus his life, by whitening that shiz up. Thanks to that little trip to the DMV (or where ever you go to change your name), Charlie has enjoyed fame, fortune and a fantasy life where he is the star he thinks he is.
Not so much for brother Emilio…and what else would you expect with a name like that?
I thought that other celebs of color could take a page from Charlie’s book and maybe, just maybe, get a bigger slice of that pie for themselves. Some blacktors are lucky, they’re named things like “Will Smith” or “Morgan Freeman” which sound pretty not-black. But others could give their career a boost with a few key strokes.
Below are some famous ethnic names and suggestions for their whitewashed equivalent.
Alfonso Riberio – Albrecht Russel
Djimon Hounsou – Dillon Houston
Queen Latifah – Elizabeth Windsor
Penelope Cruz – Patricia Clarke
Jaleel White – Justin Wales
Terrence Howard – Theodore Hilton
Mos Def – Hardest of Hearing
Orlando Jones – Orville James
Othello – Iago
Aretha Franklin – Amelia Francis
Phylicia Rashad – Pascale Richards
LeVar Burton – Lance Burton
Rhianna – Gaga
Condeleeza Rice – Christine Rialto
Aisha Tyler – Abigail Breslen
Eva Longoria – Ethel Lightman
Malcolm Jamal Warner – Mason Jason Disney
Soulja Boy – Lance Corporal Guy Mann
Taraji P. Henson to Tara P. Henson*
Viola Davis to Vanna Davis*
Chiwitel Ejiofor to Charles Ellington*
Idris Elba to Ira Evans*
Kesha to … oh wait.*
* – these names courtesy of @split_daydreams!
Who else can you think of? Let us know in the comments and we’ll add them to the list!
(ps…in a meeting once, an executive read a spec of Two and a Half Men that I wrote and told me that I “totally got Charlie Sheen. Sounded just like him.” Hmmm, wonder what that means for me…. )
My excitement over this year’s Oscars can only be expressed in some nice 5-7-5 meter!
Anglo-tastic night One brown nominee but No win for Bardem
More like Vicky, Christina, Barce-sexy!
Nothing did my Oreo heart more good to see that on this night when we award the best of the best of the image makers, they didn’t clutter up the stage or screw with the lighting requirements by throwing a bunch of of colors into the mix.
Why practice timing If host jokes don’t land: Plan B Blue latex dress. Go!
Honestly, I’m torn. It was kind of cool. And kind of scary.
Colin, Hooper, Leigh Hel’na, more! Brit invasion! So Anglo! I approve!
More like Colin FilthythoughtswhenIthinkofyou
So many British nominees/winners! Is this their plan to take back the colonies? Fine by me. I love Duffle Coats!
Autotune the news Made Oscar debut tonight Fine, but why Twilight??
I’m assuming it was ATTN that did the awkwardly placed quasi-musical montage. I’m also assuming the live audience was as confused as we were by the not-so-smooth segue and completely random choice of films autotuned.
When hosting, relax If meditation fails you, Pot seems to work well.
James Franco was high as a kite, right??
More like James Fra..nlkyIjustdidthisonetohonortheruleof3s
What did you think of the Oscars? Let us know in the comments!!
I never thought I would say that the woman who fronted DreamGirls and married Jay-Z would be an Oreo icon. But she has done something I always thought impossible and off limits for of colors, no matter how Oreo they may be.
Sunburning is a special gift for Oreos. It’s pretty much reserved for white people and getting one as an of-color allows you to shoot past your ethnicity as you have conversations about peeling. To date, I’ve had one sunburn, and while it made my cry when I took a shower (seriously, felt like a million little needles being thrust at my chest), I felt pretty not-black for getting one.
But now there’s something even better to aspire to: getting to wear blackface.
Typically, blackface has been reserved for 19th century performers, 21st century frat boys and the Dutch (you know I love you, JRA!).
It's a holiday tradition!
But now, fashion designers are getting in on the act! More often than before, designers are painting white models black and having them show off clothes…instead of…just hiring black models to show off those clothes.
Edgy
Passé
And natch, one would assume that it’s mostly white models getting the makeovers.
How freaking Oreo is that?? You have to be pretty not-black to be asked to wear blackface makeup!!
And there are other great Oreo themes in this photo! Like how only part of her is darkened…I mean, you don’t want to get carried away and make someone, you know…black. And she kept the blonde hair. Also the animal print clothing reminds us how dark people are all tribal and whatnot.
Good on you, Beyonce! Good on you.
What do you think? Is fahsion blackface as creepy as regular blackface? Is it creepy to see it go the other way? Are mimes offensive as they are in whiteface? Is putting a white person in black makeup more interesting/artistic/fashion forward than just hiring a black model in the first place?
Let us know your thoughts in the comments! Then follow us on Twitter, watch us on youtube or like us on facebook!
The Oreo Experience 
