Month: October 2010

CNN is the New Black

Sometimes, it’s hard to know exactly what to do and not to do to be an Oreo. But just when you’re wondering:

Want to know what black is? This lady will tell you. She knows. She does research

“Hmmm, does this credit card charge, Episcopalian service or my position on gender roles make me more or less black?”

Along comes CNN for telling us exactly what it is to be “Black in America”….so that we can avoid it completely!

I have only seen snippets of this “documentary series” and was excited to read Elon James White’s recap of it. (I know, I know, I’m reading a black blog. But his last name is “White” so that must help, right?) The link above takes you to his article. And here’s an excerpt:

I jokingly tweeted “Watching BIA 3 again because apparently I hate my eyes” but as one particular great white hope said “A lot truth is said in jest.” Having now watched Black in America twice I’ll try to paint a picture of last nights installment in the “This is how the Negroes work” series.

Thanks to CNN, I’ve been able to add to my list of things to avoid. Things that black people apparently do that are very very different than non-colors and things I will begin to shun in order to not lose the Oreo points I have painstakingly amassed.

Some are obvious, like the don’t rap or don’t have a drug dealer as a relative rule. But others are sneakier. Now it’s goodbye to using credit cards, dealing with college debt, contemplating spirituality. Because according to “Black in America” those are things unique to the of color experience.

And major Coconut points go to Soledad O’Brien, the Cuban/Australian journalist helming this series. One way to make yourself feel better about your own brownish heritage is to make others feel a little worse about theirs.

Hmm, I wonder if she’d take my pitch for “Oreo in America.”

For more ways to make sure that the person you’re talking to is an actual Oreo click here.

And for more ways to keep up with The Oreo Experience, click here.

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A Note to the Ladies of Color I Met Saturday Night on Hollywood Blvd.

Hi girls,

Normally, Oreo rules state that I just avoid eye contact with RBP and keep walking. But I think we have more in common that you might

Unless you have a team like this, just go with one dress size up.

think, so I wanted to send you a quick note to let you know that the dresses you were wearing last night while you waited for that bouncer to notice you are too small.

And trust me, I get the temptation that comes when you go through all the trouble pour yourself into a snug and unforgiving outfit. You just spent all that energy–you kind of just want to go with it.

I mean, whenever I go to a Renaissance Festival, I always want a front-lacing corset. They’re so cute! But they are also less forgiving, so I suck it up–quite literally while someone laces me up from the back. It’s not that I can’t wear any corset, I just can’t wear certain ones. The same goes for you and those dresses. There are many that would be flattering. The ones you were wearing were not those.

Actually, you should come with me to a Ren Fest some time! I know you’re thinking that the girls standing outside of the club from which Toot It and Boot It was pumping might not be the gals who would enjoy a day full of 16th century costumes, food and Maypole decorating, but I saw those gnarly 6-inch gladiator heels you were wearing–so you’re obviously into torture devices. That’s half the fun of a Ren Fest! I’ll send you the evite.

-OW

Be afraid, be very afraid….and tell everyone!

Just in time for Halloween, we have a chance to talk about some things Oreos should fear–what entities might populate an Oreo Haunted House. Things

Which is scarier, Juan? A burka or this?

like mannequins with un-relaxed hair, people who listen to hip hop and, of course, other of colors.

It’s not only helpful to have a healthy fear of other of colors, but you should also do your best to let non colors know how you feel.

Enter NPR’s Fox News’s Juan Williams–who we already love for declaring that racism is a thing of the past and that there’s something wrong with of colors in the same article.

This week, the confusingly-named Mr. Williams was fired from his post at NPR and given a huge raise at Fox because he said that he was afraid of cultural traditions.

“I mean, look, Bill, I’m not a bigot….But when I get on a plane, I got to tell you, if I see people who are in Muslim garb and I think, you know, they’re identifying themselves first and foremost as Muslims, I get worried. I get nervous,” Williams said.

Well, of course he gets nervous! The way people dress totally tells you all you need to know about them. Folks I meet know that I’m nonthreatening because no one who wears argyle, pleated skirts and authentic 19th century antebellum corsets would ever cut a bitch.

Williams’ logic is pretty straightforward. People who look like other people might align with those people. It’s the same logic that tells me that when I see an RBP with his hat to the side and saggy pants wander into the saloon where I go swing dancing, I know he’s either looking for a restroom or a job application and probably isn’t there to help me practice my aerials.

So it goes that someone wearing traditional Muslim garb on an airplane (you know, what the hijackers weren’t wearing that day, but what other Muslims wear sometimes) you might have a reaction.

But do be careful of going overboard with this logic. Just because the vast majority of sexual assault crimes are committed by men doesn’t mean that women need to get their panties in a bunch every time a guy walks in the room. Just because most serial killers are white doesn’t mean I should freak out when a member of my blanchetourage asks me if I want to hang out. Just because my tenth grade tutor lambasted me for my use of meter in free verse doesn’t mean that I burst into tears at the sight of a sweater vest.

As an Oreo, you’ll want to limit the logic to of colors and leave the safe groups alone.

What do you think? And who are you afraid of? Let us know in the comments!

Oreo Fun Facts and Updates!

FACT: The music video “White (on the inside) Christmas” will not be the first time that director Geoffrey Plitt and I have worked together. It also won’t be the first time he reminded me why I love being an Oreo so much!

Here’s the story!

The social cred that comes with being an Oreo doesn’t stop at things like making people feel comfortable enough to casually use racial epithets in conversation or not having to show your ticket to get back into a crowded improv theater. Sometimes, you get really cool opportunities!

When my Geoff needed someone to play Michelle Obama in an hilarious short musical, he thought long and hard to find someone who was experienced, talented, could take direction, cared for the cause…and who was black.

And thanks to the limited number of of colors in independent comedy viral videos, he found me!

Check out me playing the first lady here!

Very excited to work with Geoff again on White (on the inside) Christmas!!

A big thank you to everyone who’s joined the team through our Kickstarter campaign. You guys have made it incredibly successful and we really really appreciate it!

There’s just a couple of days left to sign up. And remember, joining the team by pledging any amount gets you cool perks like the password to protected blog posts where production videos and Oreo secrets will be revealed! Click here to see our Kickstarter page with more video updates, comments from other backers and more info about the video shoot including song excerpts and storyboards!

And coming up soon! New posts and videos about some questionable fashion choices, why the confusingly named Juan Williams is an Oreo icon and news on a chance to see The Oreo Experience on stage in LA.

The Minority Report – Jackass 3D

I'm sorry, me. I'm so so sorry.

Welcome to The Minority Report. A super quick movie review where I discuss a movie that I should or should not admit to having seen.

Today it’s Jackass 3D.

There were no people of color in this movie.

Thank. God!

Listen, non colors. I have spent a lot of time collecting Jane Austen books, perfecting shepherd’s pie recipes and pour toxic goo on my head to straighten out these natural naps. Don’t make me regret that.

Why on earth did I go see this movie? Take a guess and tell me in the comments! 🙂

Any movies you’re loathe to admit you watched…and enjoyed?

Also, for more fun at the movies, check out this post on trailers (look for another installment soon with winter fare) and this post for a surprising look at Tyler Perry.

On The Menu – Fitting in – (Imported from Germany)

Mmmm, sweet potato bisque with a side of acculturation!

People are making quite a to-do over German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s comments this weekend that immigrants who speak German with an accent are making the entire country dumber. During a speech last weekend, Merkel said:

“This approach has failed, totally,” she said, adding that immigrants should integrate and adopt Germany’s culture and values.

“We feel tied to Christian values. Those who don’t accept them don’t have a place here,” said the chancellor.

People say it’s not fair to impose that kind of conformity on people just trying to make it in this world. Pshaw! I say. We all have rules that we expect people to respect in our own homes. Why not in society as well?

For example, last night, I attended a lovely dinner party where the host, rightfully so, protected her home by making sure that we conformed to what she decided was best for her space.

She asked that we take our shoes off as she just had some lovely travertine put and didn’t want it all scuffed. Perfectly reasonable request. Unfortunately, one of her guests was in a boating accident over the weekend where he broke his foot. His foot was in one of those big boot casts–way too heavy for the delicate stone floors. And because of his still-healing injury, he couldn’t take it off. It was nothing personal, but because she was protecting her home, she kindly asked him to GTFO.

She held the dinner as a bit of a salon to discuss some new opera works. One of the women brought her deaf boyfriend and offered to interpret for him. Nothing personal, but we were there to talk, not to play charades all night. And we were talking about music, something he’s never even heard. So, the host protected the work we had all done doing research and listening to samples by asking him to GTFO.

And she all teared up when she asked her sister to GTFO after it was discovered that he sister didn’t match the $75 budget for the gift exchange. Sure she’s been out of work for the last 9 months and was just looking for some company, but every society has its rules. Even a small opera appreciation society.

About an hour later and it was just the two of us….until I goofed. She specifically asked for a Sicillian desert wine and I got my “S”s mixed up and brought Spanish instead. I’m sure her empanadas would have been fine with what I brought, but I should have been more respectful. She didn’t even have to say it. I knew what I did wrong, so while she went to put on a brave face in the loo, I picked up my shoes and GTFO.

She posted facebook pictures the next day. She seemed to have a great time all by herself.

Sexy Oreo Costumes!

Always be looking out for how to look the part.

With just two weeks until ladies show us your tits under the guise of creativity day Halloween, I am reminded that Oreos don’t just dress up on that fun day. Oreos wear costumes every day. Just like that girl in your condo finds just the perfect piece of lingerie to represent Alice in Wonderland, Finding Nemo or a medical professional, Oreos work painstakingly to make sure that their clothes communicate who they are on the inside, too.

Here are three styles of dress befitting an Oreo lifestyle.

Basic, classic prep. Thanks to characters like Urkel and Carlton, we get that when a person of color wears plaid, pleats or padded seersucker, they are way more white than not. Nothing says “I definitely didn’t buy I am Not a Human Being” like saddle shoes.

Hipster. Hipsters get a lot of flack for looking like bizzarely arrogant homeless people, but they do read Amy Sedaris, love Sarah Silverman and tout individuality by dressing just like all the other hipsters. This makes them easy to identify and to assimilate into. So get your Oreo pal an Urban Outers gift certificate and get your hobo bag on! Show up at your fave large independent coffee shop with your skinny jeans and ironically thick glasses and no one will dare ask you if you saw the Raiders play that weekend.

Steampunk. My favorite of this list! Steampunk embraces non-RBP subjects like science and Britain and combines them with neat metal-based fashions. A few pairs of fettish-looking goggles, tiny top hat, a black tutu and and your signed copy of The Anubis Gate and you’re all set!

What other fashions do you think are good for Oreos? Any fashion trends you’ve tried to get on board with and either had massive success or a major fail? Let us know!

Though I was joking about sexy Nemo, didn't you?

Protected: A Secret!

5 Ways to Eat Chicken

We all know that RBP love cripsy chicken products at a significantly higher rate than non colors. So it’s imperative that Oreos stay away from said food. Sometimes, however, eating chicken will be nearly unavoidable. Here are four ways that an Oreo can make eating chicken palatable.

On someone else’s dime, quarter or gold Sacagawea head dollar. If the president of your boating society or captain of your rowing team or Young Republicans secretary is buying, go ahead and eat. But do so daintily. Avoid picking it up with your fingers, instead, use a knife and fork (cutting of course with your dominant hand and not switching the utensils when the slice has been severed) and remove any skin. This will clue your company in to the fact that while you can enjoy the meat, you eat it with only reasonable amount of happiness. And also, it will take so dang long for you to finish, they’ll never serve it again.

With an alibi. When eating out with your tennis partner or bank manager, do be sure to start the meal by preemptively asking for alternatives. A well-timed “Ohh, I hear they have great Quiche here,” can do wonders! If chicken is the only option, you can eat it, secure in the knowledge that you did your part to avoid.

Cordon-bleu. This is an acceptable way to eat chicken, provided you practice the pronunciation. It’s not “Cord-On-Bloo,” it’s more of a “Khor-duhn-bluh.” Say it right and a) no one will be totally sure what you’re saying and b) will be too blown away by your accent to notice the chicken part.

At Chick Fil A. It’s fried chicken, for sure, but the company is owned by Mormons who have a…storied relationship with black people that involves of colors having historically been prevented from holding positions in the church because their dark skin proved they fought on the side of Cain in the great battle between God and the devil. That rules changed in the late 1970s, when the church caught up to the country and discovered that blatant racism was slightly out of vogue. They also encourage self-loathing in the gays–basically they do a lot to keep the mainstream mainstream and no matter how much we like RENT and The Green Party, the mainstream is the stream we’re all trying to swim in.

In secret. With the ability to avoid any slips of the tongue, forgotten protocol or pictures that end up on facebook, this is really the best option.

For more chicken confessions, check out this diary entry, what happened when I went to screening of my web series, and how I broke all the above rules on my birthday last week.

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