Month: May 2013

I’m a White Guy?

One Dr. Drew gave me the worst day of my life. Another Dr. Drew might be giving me one of the best.

In a piece published yesterday at americanthinker.com, Dr. John C. Drew, an award-winning political scientist debunked the thought that our President is a black dude.

Said Dr. Drew:

TIME has just published pictures from Barack Obama’s prom night in 1979. For me, these photos are more evidence of something I have thought for a long time — young Obama seemed like a white guy.

Drew goes on to say that when he was in college, Obama was smart, hung out with white people and wasn’t angry–behavior obviously and only restricted to white people.
Here is the damning photo:
Four white people walk into a prom. (source)

Four white people walk into a prom.
(source)

Drew wants to make sure that readers understand the weight of this image:

This ruse needs to end. The young Obama I knew was nothing like the young black people I knew at Occidental College. He did not come from an underprivileged background. He did not have any of the hostility to white people that I sometimes saw among blacks at Occidental College. All the reports we have so far indicate that young Obama was dating white women, hanging out with his white roommate — Phil Boerner — at Columbia, and generally living a white lifestyle.

Here, I’ve spent all this time getting my hair as bone straight as possible, learning to tolerate corsets, running away from rap and trying to keep my credit score up when all I really needed to do was not be poor, have 3 white friends and go on a school-sponsored trip with them. Hell, I did that in kindergarten when our teachers somewhat unwisely took us to an historical cemetery to discover what scarlet fever could do to a family.
Have I really been wasting that much time and energy? Does it really take nothing more than one white ex to be white yourself? What’s your favorite part of the “white lifestyle?” Let us know in the comments!
PS: I really don’t mind the corsets.
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Trailer Trashing – Summer Edition, Part I

One of the biggest pieces of inspiration for an Oreo-to-be is film and TV. It’s so motivating to see what a diversity of experiences one can have…if one only had the foresight to not be you know…a brown. It’s clear that the images we see on screen affect how we think and what we do (if they don’t, someone really needs to have a good, long sit-down with the advertising industry), so it’s important as an Oreo to keep checking films and TV to see if it’s worth relaxing for one second and letting our RBP out. (spoiler alert: it’s not)

Memorial Day Weekend marks the start of the big budget summer blockbuster the kids are out of school, so holy god, do what it takes to get them into a theater movie season. We’re certain to get some exciting films, so let’s check out some trailers, see what people get to do in said trailers, and see how they stack up against the Oreo agenda.

The Bling Ring – Hermoine’s not at Hogwart’s Anymore

Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: Party near celebs, pontificate about society, have excellent luck using Google, be the devil on the shoulder, steal a bunch of shit, be naive as parents, have a family, have friends, drink a good amount of Starbucks, walk like a boss, bit into Paris Hilton’s shoes even though she’s a woman and he’s a dude, covet pets, cover the news, fake apologize, care maybe too much about what the young Ms. Lohan thinks.

Things Not White People Get to Do in This Movie:  n/a

Man of Steel – Superman gets rebooted. Again.

Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: Make plans for their kid, have parents–even if he never knew them, go to school, dream of becoming something other than what society had intended, adopt a kid, get new parents, be the key to an eons-long question about humanity, work on a big ship, look like Wolverine in one shot, have a dog, ask leading questions, brood, fly.

Things Not White People Get to Do in This Movie: Um… pay $14 to go see it?

Much Ado About Nothing- Whedon Does Shakespeare

Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: Have a weird ass party, enjoy a nice walk in closet, be flippant, be coy, swim with a martini, do shots, collect stuffed animals, get married, have a huge camera, get high, kiss, practice aerial arts, fight, crawl, cuddle.

Things Not White People Get to Do in This Movie: stand behind Lady Beatrice, stand in front of Lord Benedict

This is The End – Actors Use Their Real Names, Get Real

Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: throw a party, go to/from the airport, be perturbed, do drugs, my goodness Seth Rogan has lost some weight! panic, panic, steal, panic.

Things Not White People Get to Do in This Movie: be sexually desperate, get their butt slapped, slap back, die first, panic, scream like a beyotch.

(apparently, the end of the world is a pretty solid equalizer)

The Purge – Don’t Open Your Door For that Black Guy

Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: Have a family, kiss gently, sharpen machetes, shoot guns, explain things calmly, make ridiculous demands of their parents, lock and load, feel worried, feel safe, have a fancy yet super simple security system, live in a huge house, have doubt, try to save someone, be pretty sociopathic, wear horrible masks, figure out a way inside,

Things Not White People Get to Do in This Movie: Appear in one shot, be desperate, be hunted,

The Internship – Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson screw up at Google

Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: listen to Macklemore, wear suits, get each other excited, sell watches, close companies, start over again, be awkward, be funny, be the love interest, get inside jokes, not get inside jokes, be okay with being in a wheel chair,

Things Not White People Get to Do in This Movie: deliver some bad news, nod in agreement, speak in a foreign accent that he never uses on The Daily Show ever.

The East – Rogue Gets Real

Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: Work in senior level management, resent senior level management, attend snazzy cocktail parties, speak dramatically from behind a mask, feel bad for birds, jump rope under a bridge, have families, go to the airport, kiss, siphon fluids from your body,

Things Not White People Get to Do in This Movie: appear in one shot

Now You See Me – No one puts magicians in a corner

Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: Perform in sexy Vegas magic shows, use the Parisian banking system, fight for the little people, drive speedily, work for the government, attend sexy Vegas magic shows.

Things Not White People Get to Do in This Movie: Explain the plot

After Earth – Is Jayden Smith old enough to wear something that tight?

Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: Wait, what?!

Things Not White People Get to Do in This Movie: Wait, what?! Hmmm. Are we sure this is going to work?

What are you watching this weekend? Let us know in the comments!

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Dear Vanity Sizing

Dear Vanity Sizing,

Stop it. Please. Just stop it.

It’s rare enough that I even look at what I put on my body in the morning. Rarer still that I recognize that I’ve had that same pilled sweater since 2004. And you’re more likely to see a unicorn than you are to see me arriving at a store to torture myself go shopping. Why are you heaven-bent on making this process even more difficult for me?

It’s not that I hate my body, I just hate clothes. Why does everything look like it was built for a 4-year-old stripper? When did all tops become clear and cut down to the bellybutton? When did it become impossible to distinguish shirts from dresses? Why does everything come in a legging? Who are these no-waisted, no-thighed, breastless pregnant bone people that all clothes seem to be cut for? What did I ever do to you Urban Outfitters? I live in the urban! I like outfits!  Why do the only clothes that seem to fit me come from Chicos? Why has the fashion industry turned me from a hip, cool, totally with it, savvy woman about town into a dowager?

This is unhelpful

This is unhelpful

The only thing worse that sobbing in a Forever 21 changing room is sobbing because you have lied to me, vanity sizing. No one likes to be told they’re being lied to while they’re naked and in a small room.

I should be able to pick up a size 8–for that is what I am–and have it be a size 8, not a circus tent. I mean, I could tattoo “millionairess” on my forehead, but the fine folks at the diamond and Bali vacation store will not be happy when it comes time to run my credit card.  You don’t make me feel better when you put me in a size 2, you make me feel exhaustion and rage.

This is not what a ladies' medium looks like.

This is not what a ladies’ medium looks like.

I don’t shop at the kinds of stores where skinny attendants wait outside and bring you new sizes whenever you want. If I’m standing in front of that full length mirror and you aren’t the right size, it’ll take me half an hour to schlep across the acre of Burlington between the changing room and the Damas section. So stop screwing with me!

I’m going to get dressed now. I do have this a skirt from 2002 in there that has always been honest with me.

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Everything’s Better With Oreos

This.  (source)

Yayness.
(source)

We spend a lot of time here talking about the benefits involved in being an Oreo. But what about the benefits involved in having an Oreo?

Oreo released this darling commercial this week. Its’ a cute little animation that imagines a world full of wonderful people doing wonderful, sweet things and living wonderful, pleasant lives because everyone has been given Oreos.

I couldn’t agree with more! People do get happy when they get an Oreo! Whether you find one for yourself or are given one as a gift, there are many benefits to having your own Oreo.

We’re easy to find in a crowd. Don’t you just hate it when you’re at the yacht club or DisneyWorld or a Lipizzaner show and you get separated from your party? Well, with an Oreo, all you have to do is scan the crowd for the one brown face, and bingo! You’re back on track.

We provide hours of entertainment. I personally think my hair is pretty boring. But judging by the number of questions I get and have gotten about it, my hair is apparently fascinating. With an Oreo by your side, you can ask all the annoying questions you want and stay occupied for hours. Stuck in a TKTS line or a tube queue and don’t feel like getting in to something too deep? Just throw out a “soo…why do you always wrap your hair in a New Kids on the Block concert tee before you take a shower” and boom! Time will fly by!*

We can help out your political campaign. Worried that folks can’t distinguish between a photo of your political rally and a klan rally because both contain equal numbers of brown faces? Just bring an Oreo along and place them in a camera ready location. You’ll look hella diverse! Of course, you can do much the same with Photoshop.

We help you feel better about that slang you just dropped. You know how we’re still debating whether or not it’s okay for people to use the n-word willy nilly? Without an Oreo, you have two options. a) ask an RBP if you can say it and watch your face get snapped right off or b) consider empathy, do some research on how and why some terms are offensive and question your motives for wanting to say it so badly in the first place. No Thank You!

With an Oreo, however, you can ask them if you can say it and they’ll probably say something really polite and change the subject, thereby letting you off the hook forevah! (Also, if you need n-sounding options, we’ve got those for you, too!)

So give someone an Oreo today! What will you do with yours?

*For you. Your Oreo might be uncomfortable/annoyed. But at least they won’t be jerks about it like an RBP would be.

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Family Time

One of the most basic tenants of being an Oreo is that you do not spend time en masse with other browns and blacks. If you do things like go to Renaissance Faires, oboe conventions, regattas and while collar office spaces, this is fairly easily accomplished. The one time it’s a real bugger to work around is when you’re guilted into  you decide to go visit people you’re related to…and they live in the South.

However, like most of the jams that Oreos find themselves in, there are ways to mitigate the damaging proximity to melanin that one must experience during obligatory small talk fests with people who share your genetic code.

It should be noted that Oreos prefer getting marmalade and not jam. (source)

It should be noted that Oreos prefer getting stuck in marmalades and not jams.
(source)

I just got back from such a trip and wanted to share with you my tips and tricks for not seeming quite so black when you’re in the company of a whole buncha black folks.

Pack Appropriate Reading Material

Hundreds of people will walk past you on the plane, so make sure you aren’t holding something hella ethnic like Oprah’s magazine or those Beatz headphones. Instead, try a copy of The Harvard Business Review or Epitaph for a Peach. Why relax when you can use journalism to fend of judgement and remind yourself of how poetically you’re not thinking about all that you’re not achieving.

Pass Through Airport Security Without Unloading All Liquids

The airport is a place where it is defs not okay to be brown. One the last three flights I’ve taken, my boyfriend has managed to get through security with razors in his bag while I’ve been accused of having too many toiletries bags and had my hair inspected as though I just got back from a missionary trip in the barrio and they wanted to make sure I didn’t have lice.

But this time was different. Maybe it was because they figure no one on their way to Raleigh Durham would be up to trouble. Maybe it was the fact that it was a red-eye and we were all tired. Or maybe it’s because the fact that I just totally forgot to take a couple of bottles out of my bag looked like such a boss move to them that they couldn’t bring themselves to do anything but let me go.

Stay At A House Where Slaves Used To Work

If you’re gonna go to the South on a trip, you might as well go to The South. Instead of staying in an RBP-tastic place like La Quinta or The Hampton Inn and Suites, I chose a delightful little B&B. That was built in 1847. In the Confederacy. That was owned by a rich legacy family. Which means that once upon a time, it’s very likely that a house girl made the bed that I refused to while I was there. (Well, not the same bed. This bed was too comfortable to be 166 years old.)

I'm in there somewhere. And always will be

I’m in there somewhere. And always will be

Identify Favorite  Patterns

There was another bonus to the ex slave resort. And I’m not talking about the awesome wainscoting or the gladiolas or the awesome sitting room where yes, I claimed that I had the ‘vaypas’ so I could sit in the awesome chair. This place also had the same toile pattern that appears on an ottoman I just bought. It was like the house was calling to me from afar. I wouldn’t have been surprised if at the end of the trip, my vision rack focused on a photo from 1864 where I stood grinning with the rest of the house staff while a voice over reminded that I was a guest and I’d always been a guest…

Spend An Hour Or So Discussing the Pros and Cons of the Artistic Director and Conductor of the Local Philharmonic

In case you were concerned that I didn’t come by my Oreoness honestly, you only need to meet my uncle and aunt. I hadn’t seen these people in a decade. But instead of catching up about ourselves (boring), we threw on a classical hits CD, talked about each movement and shot the shit about who brought out the best in what movements (totally not boring!)

Make Small Talk re: Who Has Better Summers, Scotland or Switzerland

Trick questions. It’s Basque, obvs.

And just as soon as I finish paying off student loans, I hope to always be here.

And just as soon as I finish paying off student loans, I hope to always be here.

Stuff Emotions So Deeply That You Feel Full Enough to Refuse the Fried Chicken

RBP are known for their clever comebacks, snappy repartee and their delightful disses and dozens. So when a parent decides for the 10,000th  time to describe not just you looked like at birth, but your afterbirth at birth, many RBP would have something to say that would stop that conversation in its tracks. But where’s the challenge in that. Anyone can walk out of a room, set some boundaries and decide not to engage in inappropriate conversation topics. But it takes real skill to sit and endure. To smile and nod. And to not get all up in someone’s business about it. And that is a skill I’m proud of. In large part because it really does turn your appetite enough that you can honestly say that no thank you, you’re fine with just the roll and you don’t need the okra, greens or pecan pie. … okay, maybe a little pecan pie.

You're also not going to want to eat ham salad again. Not after that story.  (source)

You’re also not going to want to eat ham salad again. Not after that story.
(source)

When was your last trip home? How did it go? Any advice for next time?

WTF New Zealand?

Did all the RBP take up second homes in Wellington? Because I’m not sure how else to explain the news release making the rounds today.

New Zealand released an updated list of names that parents may not name their babies. Including, but not limited to the name “Justice.” Don’t even try that shiz, “Justice” has been rejected seven times. I didn’t realize that the N Zed was a place that needed this kind of policing.

All those beautiful views really make you think...about some dumb, dumb things to call your offspring. (source)

All those beautiful views really make you think…about some dumb, dumb things to call your offspring.
(source)

There are 77 monikers on the no-no names list and from the looks of it, you’d think they were talking to people in Southern LA, not the Southern Hemisphere.

Royal titles — such as ”Duke,” “Majesty,” and even the term “Royal” — were also high up on the list. Roman numerals, such as “III,” are also taboo. One baby was almost called “89.” Eight parents wanted to insert backslashes into their children’s first names, while four wanted to put brackets around their middle names. Not to mention the government has already rejected “Lucifer” at least six times.

Thank you New Zealand, for putting a stop to this because I only have time to pick one group of people to try not to be like. When other people start acting all brown up in here, it gets very confusing. You guys adorable names like Willem and Nigel and The Whale Rider. Let’s leave the nutty naming conventions to those who do it the worst.
Yes, I'm talking about black people right now, but I'm coming after you next, scientists.  You can't just call stuff what it is like "horrible demon spawn on a mission" you have to give them a fancy names like "arachnids." Snobs. (source)

Yes, I’m talking about black people right now, but I’m coming after you next, scientists.
You can’t just call stuff what it is like “horrible too-many-leggies monster on a mission” you have to give them a fancy names like “arachnids.” Snobs.
(source)

Some people say that parents should be able to name their kids whatever they way. Those people probably have kids named XSKLlsdklfoWLI and Jennifer. Also, there are some things that are names and some things that are dumb. That’s just the way it goes.
Others might argue that there are lots of words we use all the time that hard to spell or pronounce, but we don’t raise a fuss. Those people probably have no names because their parents hated them so much.
But okay, fine. I play along (mainly so I can win). Sure, let’s take a word like Courvoisier. That word is easy to say and pronounce and spell and enjoy. That is because it’s the name of an expensive thing that makes it easier to relax in the appropriate social situations. But when you rearrange those letters and spell something like Quevanzhane or Gabourey, my eyes explode and look at the mess you’ve made. (Thanks, STBB for that tip!) Obviously the former is acceptable and the latters are abominations (in name only, they’re fine actresses…so I’ve been told. A good Oreo would never watch one of their movies)
Also, as the fine folks at Jezebel pointed out, someone in New Zealand tried to name their kid “Anal.” I can promise you, that girl didn’t want that.
Highlights of the list include all names that imply rank, like “Duke,” “Queen” or “Princess,” “4Real,” “Lucifer,” “V8,” and straight up “Anal.” Maybe they meant to name their child after the sad, twirling dervish that is Lana Del Rey and spelled it backwards on accident? Or maybe it was a “Boy Named Sue” thing where they wanted their kid to develop a thick skin by naming them after butt hole. I want to give these people the benefit of the doubt.
UPDATE: NZ also managed to stand up for marriage equality this week. Their names may be wacky, but they clearly have some good sense left. And they sound adorable when explaining the whole thing.
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What do you think? Should names matter so much? Should we be able to call ourselves whatever we want, or should their be a standard?
Do you like your own name? What would you call yourself if you could.
Let us know in the comments!
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