Month: March 2011

Oreo Origins: Sleeping With an Old Friend

I finally got around to watching Amadeus last night, (seriously, a lily-white film about classical music–how the eff had I not managed to see this yet?!).

If I could get away with dressing like this at work, I totally would.

Afterward, I changed the DVD, put in some Fawlty Towers turned the volume way down and fell asleep with John Cleese’s voice whispering softly in my ear.

“Coming, my little piranha fish.” “Well have the fire drill when I ring the fire bell.” “I think we’re just out of Waldorfs…”

The Monty Python guys were among my earliest Oreo influences. I remember hearing the lilting accents and specific timing coming from my parents’ bedroom. And I fell in love. Live at the Hollywood Bowl is one performance I wish I had been alive to see. I still can’t believe my mom didn’t flinch when she watched The Meaning of Life with me and the giant star vagina appeared on the screen. The Cheese Shop Sketch totally still makes me laugh. And I was totally having a fantasy of being cast in Spamalot as I was singing along on the drive home last night.

So thanks M and D for the early anglo influences. ‘Twoud not be the Oreo I am today without ’em!

But seriously, could have warned 8-year-old me about the star vagina. I think I was barely aware that I had a vagina, let alone that a whole universe could be stored up inside of one. (money shot is at 2:00 below and it’s just as creepy now!)

What got you excited and inspired when you were a kid? Do you like them as much now as you did then? Let us know in the comments!

Dove – Washing Away Dirt, Oil and Skin Tone – Yay

You remember Dove. The beauty brand that brought us the “love yourself as you are” ads like these:

Look how much fun it is to hang out in your undies with your multicultural best gal pals!!!

 

They also brought us this “don’t fall for the beauty myth” video:

Apparently, though, they still want to remind us that while you maybe okay with your off-model freckled self, freckles better be able to show up.

In this ad, the soap promises users “visibly more beautiful skin” and shows before and after pictures. Do note the women that the words “before” and “after” are over.


It’s this kind of subtle and not-at-all-a-point-of-concern-for-dove’s-well-paid-marketing-team messaging that I rely on to remind myself why I’m trying to hard to escape my ethnicity. Thanks, Dove. I can only hope the soap works as well at this ad says. Fingers crossed!!

 

Why Go White #212 – It’s Polite!

This post is shout out to my Asian brethren and sistren.

By now, many of you may have seen the video “Asians in the Library,” posted by UCLA student Alexandra Wallace. In this video, she discusses how Asians are getting in the way of her studying by saying things like “Ching chong ting tong ling long” on the phone to their families. She says that it’s distracting and rude.

And it is rude! We all know that this is not how good assimilants behave.

Good coconuts NEVER say things like “Ching chong ting tong ling long” in the library. Instead, try more majority-sounding things  like “God, I wish those Asians would shut up. Let’s make a youtube video about it! This poly-sci sucks much anyway! Toodles!” That’s much more polite!

When your ethnic background includes knowing and understanding of the most complex languages in the world and holding family dear, for the love of God, don’t go showing it off. Save it for the meetings.

Or put it into a song like this kid did. I heart him!

For the record,  Alexandra issued an apology. But what do you think? Should the apology have occurred to her during the time it took her to walk from the library to her dorm, set up a camera, go through her rant, edit it together, post it on youtube and tell her friends that she did that?

For other cool things that college kids do, check out this post from San Diego’s Compton Cookout!

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Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Soccer: Oreo Approved or Oreo Avoidant?

Went to my first stateside soccer game this weekend with @catnick (ps…if you’re looking for an event or headshot

I'm sorry, was there a game going on?

photographer, follow and hire him immediately!). Several things occurred to me about the sport.

 

It’s a lot like terrible foreplay. Lots of tension, not a lot of release. There’s soooooo much action. 90 minutes of sweating and kicking and passing and bending..aaaand, you think it’s gonna happen…that they’re going to make it in, they’re right there, right there, right there, almost, almost alllll—nope, no score. Sunday’s game ended in a tie, so at least both teams got theirs. That seems fair.

I’m totally torn as to where to file this for Oreo-approved events. I made a list of pros and cons and much like yesterday’s game, it ends in a tie. What do you think?

Pro: Not a lot of black players. This isn’t football or basketball where every other guy on the ground is an RBP.

Con: A surprising number of black fans. Unlike when I attend hunter/jumper shows or a regatta, I definitely wasn’t the only brown face in the crowd. #uncomfy

Pro: There’s definitely something Euro-chic about saying you’re a soccer fan.

Con: Because it’s worldly, and since most of the people in the world are actually of some sort of color (poor things!), you run the risk of liking a team peopled by browns.

Pro: Soccer players, by my estimation, have the best physiques in sport. Strong but not too bulky, flexible and lithe, fast and quick. And they know how to do such cool things with their balls.

Con: I couldn’t help making the terrible joke above.

So what do you think? Do the cons outweigh the pros? I’ve never been a huge team sport fan and I’d love to find some group to pledge my allegiance to. What teams do you follow and what brought you to them?

Post Patrick’s Day Puzzling

Another reason for my Oreo-ness is how people love to celebrate any ethnic holiday other than any ethnic holiday having anything to do with being black.

 

Hmm, are you really or are you just looking to get some without much effort?

 

 

As I indulged in my one whisky and ginger last night, I looked at all the not-Irish people wearing “Kiss me, I’m Irish” shirts. All those of Scandinavian, Mexican, Eastern European descent drinking away, spouting bursts of gaelic and loving the celebration. And I realized nothing like this ever happens on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

 

...or on Thurgood Marshall Thursdays.

 

 

Man, the Irish had it right. I mean, they were oppressed and do you see them demanding a whole month and bemoaning their past. At one point, the Irish were called the n-words of Europe. But do they march in the streets during the entire month of March, interrupt our regularly scheduled programming with awkward documentaries, find themselves insulted when restaurants serve specials on corned beef and cabbage, get bummed out when America reduces centuries of Irish history into a handful of stereotypes and excuse to make bad decisions or get mad when people put on green face? No. They embrace it.

 

 

And make emotionally complex, corkscrew like movies.

 

 

Maybe if the blacks would shrink Black History Month into one day full of liquor they might have a better sell.

And, no, by “liquor”, I don’t mean 40s. We could class it up a bit. Whisky gingers are good for all occasions.

 

Seriously, this thing doesn't offend people? It's like the pickaninny of Western Europe.

 

 

 

Oreos A – Z: C is for…

We all know the basic concept of the Oreo – someone who’s black on the outside, but white on the inside.  What you may not know is that there really are a lot of intricacies involved in becoming, being and living a fulfulling life as an Oreo. The bi-weekly feature, “Oreos A – Z” will help keep you up to date and on your best Oreo behaviour.

C is for Canter
A horse’s third gait
Do you have your tickets for Rolex*?
I know I do, can’t wait!!

*What is Rolex you ask? Only the awesomest 3-day horse ever! Fancy horses sponsored by fancy watches. If that doesn’t say Oreo, I don’t know what does…except maybe this: Totes jeals of Beoyonce and her blackface makeup!! Click here to find out why

Seriously! If anyone has an extra ticket, or just feels like sponsoring an Oreo, you can have my first born.

 

 

Why Go White Reason #415 – Better Emails

One of the features on the dating site OkCupid is the regular posting of fairly detailed analyses of their members and their behaviours.

The post I read today largely talked about how white people get the majority of emails on OkCupid (and incidentally, that black users get the fewest). But the truth is that white people get the most message because the overwhelming majority of daters on OkC are white. And if you remove them from the equation, daters actually prefer to message people of their own race.

Clearly they have not asked me my opinion about this.

However, a piece of info at the bottom of the article caught my attention.

They sorted the reading level of the messages sent and found that if you’re white, you get smarter emails!! I want can haz smarter emails! I love smart emails! Use a word I don’t know around me and my clothes pretty much fall off.

They also found that if you’re brown, you get sent dumber emails. And if you’re brown and receive an email from another brown person, your emails are the dumbest of all! But if you’re white or Asian, those same emailers class it up a bit!! What gives?!

And I can attest to the dumb email thing. Here are some gems I’ve gotten recently both on OkC and off.

  • “OW looks great. Oreo or not, I would cuff her.” (I don’t even know what that means…cuff?? I’m assuming he doesn’t mean “arrest.” )
     

  • “Hey, do you like young guys just for fun.” (I suppose it depends on what kind of fun. Shakespeare festival? Vaudeville night [like the one I’m performing in this weekend], kayaking?)

  • “HI YOUR SO PRETTY WUD LUV TO GET WIT U I WERE LOOKING AT YOUR PICS HIT ME WHEN GET A CHANCE WaNNa HoLlA AT U” (wud–, I’m sorry, would he really love to get with me? He doesn’t even know me. How on earth could he even conceive of what a relationship with me would be like at this early stage in the game?)

  • “Sexxxy!!!” (There’s something in the brevity I suppose I can appreciate, but what it has in succinctity, it lacks in substance.”)
  • 

So what does this mean? Are the browns just self-sabotaging themselves? Or is this more proof that it’s just a delight to be white? That you can be a dating master if you’re alabaster? That you’ll totally win if you have fair skin?

Or just that I should now step away from rhymezone.com?

Let us know what you think in the comments!

And since I like to write about dating, here’s some more:

Here’s a link to the whole article.

What do you think?