With my carolling song book packed away for next year, my Dickens Fair costume tucked into its moisture controlled box and my crush on Jude Law firmly in place, I spent a lovely Christmas evening enjoying Sherlock Holmes.
Not only was the movie itself great–old London, great pacing and direction, a beauty standard I could never live up to–but I got an extra special surprise during the previews before the film even began.
Now, it is important to note that the expectations for the box office draw for Sherlock Holmes were high. Execs were counting on just bunches and bunches of people seeing this flick, so it was important to front load the feature with trailers that would appeal to most people–i.e, trailers that reflected what most people would want and expect to see from a quality film.
The trailers did not disappoint and once again, reinforced how much and why we Oreos don’t want to be black. Please allow me to break down the films based on the trailers shown tonight for you.
Season of the Witch – Nick Cage battles an evil lady.
- Things White People Do In This Movie: Be intriguingly in league with thedevil, intelligently discover what is going wrong in the town, find the right man for the job, assemble a group of capable men, belong to the group of capable men, save the day.
- Things Black People Do In This Movie: n/a (judging from the trailer, there appear to be no black people appearing in this film.)
Date Night – Tina Fey and Steve Carrell love each other and get into mishaps.
- Things White People Do In This Movie – be in love, work on their relationship, take care of their TMJ, have children who love them, go to fancy dinners, have enough money to be wanted by thugs, lead each other on a clever cat and mouse chase through the streets of a major city, be gorgeous even when poverty stricken, look super hot in their high tech apartment.
- Things Black People Do In This Movie – Scare people. According to this trailer, there’s one black guy in this film and he has no lines in the trailer. A quick analysis of movies means this is probably because he has few lines in the movie at all or because his lines are inappropriate for a trailer. So he’s either foul or unnecessary. Either way, I don’t wanna be that guy.
Iron Man 2 – Robert Downey, Jr. is sexy.
- Things White People Do In This Movie – Be sexy, invent world-changing technology, run courtrooms, bring a room to its feet, tease each other andmake cute jokes about other movies about white people, fly, grace the covers of magazines, fight badassly in impossibly tight costumes, win.
- Things Black People Do In This Movie – look pensive, fight, replace other black people. Instead of Terrance Howard, we have Don Cheadle in this sequel. And according to the trailer dons an Iron Man suit himself. Again, he has no lines in the trailer, so it’s hard to tell what his attitude is except one of support and service to his white buddy, Rob.
- Things Other People of Color Do In This Movie – Threaten the safety of America.
The Sorcerer’s Apprentice – Nick Cage has another movie??
- Things White People Do In This Movie – Be a relatable everykid, conjureexciting things, train an up and comer, drive fancy cars, fall in love, leave reality behind, save the day.
- Things Black People Do In This Movie – n/a
Clash of the Titans – gorgeous, amazing badassery set in ancient Gre
- Things White People Do In This Movie – Have amazing abs, be royalty, bravely battle terrible beasts, be deities, demonstrate superb underwaterbreath control, have layered emotional journeys, survive incredible odds, have sex.
- Things Black People Do In This Movie – n/a
Cop Out – Tracy Morgan lowers the bar.
- Things White People Do In This Movie – Explain the “right way to do police work,” prepare to take care of themselves, baffle the black lead, silently criticize, remain cool under pressure, high five.
- Things Black People Do In This Movie – ruffle feathers, say “hell no!”, get bothered by high school pranks, use Barack Obama to justify questionable judgement, high five.
Now, some might argue that there are some logistical issues like the fact that black people didn’t exist in Ancient Greece, but you know what else didn’t exist, Krakens. However, I do suppose a giant, underwater, half-god hellbeast is more believable than an of color in a respected position of power and authority. It’s the movies, after all, not total make-believe.
Either way, I’m totally getting up early tomorrow to see Did You Hear About the Morgans. Hugh Grant is a favorite. I know it was ages ago, but he could have chosen to pay to have secret sex with anyone and he chose to pay to have secret sex with a black girl….so it’s like he paid to have secret sex with me.
It was very special.