Charlie Sheen’s Ethnic Epicness

So, Charlie Sheen has done a lot of bad. He’s spent a small fortune on illegal drugs, abused some women, made things

If that's not the wide-eyed stare of a devoted mentor, I don't know what is.

more difficult for his children, gave some anti-semitic quotes, starred in Hot Shots Part Deux and threatened the jobs of lots and lots of people by not getting help for any of the above issues.

But he did one thing right (and I’m not talking about how lives with deities–seriously, he calls his prosti– girlfrie– -er, roommates, “goddesses“).

Here’s what he did that’s so epic: He changed his crazy ethnic name to something way less Mexicany and thus put himself in a position to demand $3 million every time he phones in a performance for CBS.

That’s right. “Charlie Sheen” was born “Carlos Estevez.” And good on him for removing the brown from his name, and thus his life, by whitening that shiz up. Thanks to that little trip to the DMV (or where ever you go to change your name), Charlie has enjoyed fame, fortune and a fantasy life where he is the star he thinks he is.

Not so much for brother Emilio…and what else would you expect with a name like that?

I thought that other celebs of color could take a page from Charlie’s book and maybe, just maybe, get a bigger slice of that pie for themselves. Some blacktors are lucky, they’re named things like “Will Smith” or “Morgan Freeman” which sound pretty not-black. But others could give their career a boost with a few key strokes.

Below are some famous ethnic names and suggestions for their whitewashed equivalent.

  • Alfonso Riberio – Albrecht Russel
  • Djimon Hounsou – Dillon Houston
  • Queen Latifah – Elizabeth Windsor
  • Penelope Cruz – Patricia Clarke
  • Jaleel White – Justin Wales
  • Terrence Howard – Theodore Hilton
  • Mos Def – Hardest of Hearing
  • Orlando Jones – Orville James
  • Othello – Iago
  • Aretha Franklin – Amelia Francis
  • Phylicia Rashad – Pascale Richards
  • LeVar Burton – Lance Burton
  • Rhianna – Gaga
  • Condeleeza Rice – Christine Rialto
  • Aisha Tyler – Abigail Breslen
  • Eva Longoria – Ethel Lightman
  • Malcolm Jamal Warner – Mason Jason Disney
  • Soulja Boy – Lance Corporal Guy Mann
  • Taraji P. Henson to Tara P. Henson*
  • Viola Davis to Vanna Davis*
  • Chiwitel Ejiofor to Charles Ellington*
  • Idris Elba to Ira Evans*
  • Kesha to … oh wait.*

* – these names courtesy of @split_daydreams!

Who else can you think of? Let us know in the comments and we’ll add them to the list!

Also, for more on how going white gets you in the limelight, click here!

(ps…in a meeting once, an executive read a spec of Two and a Half Men that I wrote and told me that I “totally got Charlie Sheen. Sounded just like him.” Hmmm, wonder what that means for me…. )

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7 comments

  1. Taraji P. Henson to Tara P. Henson

    Viola Davis to Vanna Davis

    Chiwitel Ejiofor to Charles Ellington

    Idris Elba to Ira Evans

    Kesha to … oh wait.

  2. I feel bad for Martin Sheen (Ramón Gerardo Antonio Estévez) he comes to this country, makes it big, and his kid turns out like this… maybe that’s the side effect of Oreoism

    and for the record… Olatokunbo Olamide Betiku ain’t changing a thing… and for those who say “that’s a mouthful”… I just say “thats what she said” so choke on it… “She said that too”

  3. Actually, Martin Sheen’s family came from Spain, the
    European country which conquered “Latin” America and
    forced its language and religion on the brown-skinned natives, whose mestizo descendants we now associate with Spanish. Carlos Estevez and his family are as white as white gets, not “oreo” at all.

    1. No you are right, his family is Euro spanish, and I believe Martin Sheen may been American with his Parents being the immigrants… But you don’t have to be brown to be an oreo… just ethnic, and willing to throw away all of your culture.

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