Month: August 2009

When Role Models People Disappoint

What happens when the culture you try so hard to blend in to throws you a curveball with something like this. One one had, they have a high-end wedding and nary a face of color in the audience…perfect! But then…a dance number? To Chris Brown? Nevermind the fact that a couple actively chose as their wedding song something written by a woman-beater. But the ceremony was well on its way to being as white as her dress. Now it will forever be soundtracked by light soul runs and autotuning. 

I’m so returning my gift. 

Crack and AIDS Didn’t Work

…so now they’re trying to kill us off with Type 2 diabetes.

bg_adsYes, food giant McDonald’s has taken on the plight of the person of color and is proving their commitment to the race with a huge web campaign. With rotating banner ads touting basketball, gospel music, Essence Magazine and food that has been “southern fried,” Ray Kroc’s legacy is apparently, keeping it real.

But since nothing will make a person of color hate themselves more than having this website dedicated to them, Oreo numbers should be up in no time. I will ready the coronation boots and see you in Vermont!

And don’t think they missed the chance to show us the truth and remind us what we are all striving for. Check out this list of work opportunities with the company. Notice that only the person sans color is capable of going “beyond management.” It’s moments like this that keep the goal in mind keep our hope alive.

And they love Asians, too! I’ll let you find where they teach users to say “Let’s go do some karaoke.”

So Close, Yet So Far – Oreo Experience Almost Gets to Welcome a New Member

newsWhen I saw the headline, I though I was going to get to send a traditional gift of tea cozies and yacht club shot glasses to Roxanne Shante.

Shante overcame the burden of being a rap star, from the ghetto and a teenage mother and was awarded a Ph.D from the Ivy League school Cornell that was paid for by her music company. She sounded like a perfect candidate for Oreodom.

But then I read the rest of the story.

Her degree is in psychology…so far, so good. But a further investigation shows that any Oreo points earned by attending an exclusive university and earning a degree level that puts her hands and feet ahead of the average education level of most people, let alone most people of color, should be immediately stripped. 

Shante wasted this perfect opportunity and used her degree to start a therapy center that not just focuses on exclusively helping African Americans, but on urban African Americans. 

She could have at least poached from the Jack and Jill population.

But no. She was handed the keys to freedom, to comfortable homogenization and instead put the shackles of expectations right back on.

And for no good reason. There are already plenty of people of color, scores of non-profits and a bunch of guilt-ridden white people serving this population. Why not cater to people who do not get such constant attention? People who would a take a budding therapist from cliche to really interesting. 

Here are some suggestions for appropriate practices.

article-1087757-0289ABE4000005DC-32_233x423Birds of a Feather: A google search for “depressed parrots” will yield more results than you might realize and will reveal the inter-species use of Prozac. But where is the mass media coverage of this emotional pandemic? Parrots are the type of pet typically enjoyed by those who live in homes large enough to not hear their angry squawks, or sad squeaks, on the other side of the east wing. And this makes this population a great one to concentrate on for one striving for Oreodom.

Potential Problem: Parrots are also owned by people who live in the rainforest. Who tend to be brownish. Therapists should avoid this demographic in favor of the citied birds.




organic-food-usda-9451You Are What You Eat: While McDonald’s may be trying to lure people of color back to the fold with horrible campaigns like 365Black, it’s more than easy to ignore these when one considers the benefits of controlling all manner of emotional ills through the eating of food grown by organic farmers and never cooked. These foods are always more expensive and not nearly as immediately satisfying, so you’re sure to get a clientele that has the money and time to waste on getting satisfaction from their food.

Potential Problem: Eating food raw can also occur when one’s gas and/or electricity has been disconnected. Do make sure clients are eating food sans heat processing voluntarily.


bathroom-sign-1Waste Not, Want Not: Finally, a urine therapy center is always a great option. Yes, this is a real thing. People can drink, bathe in or dab on urine in all sorts of ways to cure all sorts of ills. Again, as this must be practiced by people with disposable income enough to pay for the issues likely to occur when one ingests his or her own waste products. 

Potential Problem: Just because someone smells like urine doesn’t mean that they paid the big bucks to do so. Do make sure that your urine enthusiasts have purchased the proper storage containers (and they exists) and do not have the golden miracle on them because they lack a working restroom at home.

Ext. Simian Exhibit – Los Angeles Zoo

OreoWriter and WhitePal stand outside of a Great Ape exhibit. OW stares intently ahead. Doesn’t notice WP looking at something on the ground.

WP: Check out this scrilla

OW: It’s a bonobo.*

WP: What?

OW: It’s not a gorilla. It’s a bonobo. Also known as the Pygmy or Dwarf Chimpanzee. They’re brilliant creatures.

WP: That may be so. But this is scrilla.

WP holds up a huge wad of cash.

WP: Someone left a roll of fifties here.

OW: Oh…of course. I knew tha– You know, there are two bonobos who have been taught to communicate through symbols. They could probably count that script…no, scrawl…scrunchi…?

WP: Let’s just go.

OW: I can do this one! Scr….scribble, scroll, screwtape…

WP: Why are we even at the zoo?

OW: Hello! They releasing two new dik diks* into their pen. Like I was going to miss that ribbon cutting ceremony.

(Readers: Please do not assume that my affection for two African animals, the bonobo and the dik dik–Dik-dik_Dennispronounced “deek deek” by the way–relates to any affinity for the continent itself. I can’t help it if these animals are super adorable)

I Wonder if There’s a Low-Calorie Margarine or Soy Substitute

butter-sizzingThe Urban Dictionary defines a “butter face” as a girl with a great body, but a less than desirable face. Ie. She is pretty, but for her face. 

This weekend, I was told about a time I was put into a similar category.

It was years ago and I was with a new group of friends at an old bar in Los Feliz. There was a guy there with whom I thought I hit it off. We talked all night, made tentative plans and exchanged information…and then I never heard from him again.

One of my girlfriends from that night told me this weekend that he told her that he thought I was nice, but that he just preferred blondes. Or Latinas. Or Asians. Basically, he had a melanin quotient and I surpassed it.

I became a “butter race.”

Oh, but if he could see me now. Hair freshly relaxed, riding pants freshly pressed, RSVP for a foxhunt in Bath to which I’ve been invited freshly sent. 

Though I hope he doesn’t mind sport hunting. I’d hate to become a butter chase.

Self Loathing for Humans and Non Humans Alike

district_nineIf you haven’t seen District 9, please run to the theater and see it immediately! Not only is the acting phenominal, the script amazing, the effects work outstanding, the phone promo done by yours truly (call 1-866-666-6001 to hear OreoWriter keep humans safe!) but the movie presents a wonderful example of why being an Oreo is so important.

You might worry that a movie that is clearly in part a segregation and apartheid allegory would miss its opportunity to show us how important it is to despise that which we cannot help, but the powers that be did not let us down.







All right, here we go.

So. Do you know who the scariest people in the movie were? Not the aliens, they were clearly misunderstood. Not Multinational United, the cruel company who tortures innocents. Not Tanya’s father, the frighteningly cold businessman. And not the nameless mercinary who shot to kill on sight.

The scariest people were the blacks who lived in the District 9 ghetto with the aliens. These dark skinned folks lived in garbage, weilded machetes–much scarier than cool alien guns and more primitive than sleek human weapons, were dim enough to believe in specific sorts of witchcraft and were morally bankrupt enough to enforce further enslavement on their fellow subjugated.

Now, before you say that OreoWriter is reading too much into this set of facts, consider this:

When all the melanin-heavy were killed at once…the theater exploded into applause and laughter. What a relief!

I can only hope that they were not simply celebrating the fact that an enemy was squashed.That in their response was at least a hint of inherent discomfort with the victims. And I’ve got a good chance of being right, because when bombs went off at MNU, there was no laughter. When the nameless mercinary got ripped limb from limb, there was no applause. But when the black folks were destroyed en masse, there was so much hubbub that the audience almost missed reacting to the leader getting his head exploded.

I’m not saying that I need validation where ever I can get it. I am saying that it feels good to be reminded by a sold out theater that one’s hard work and shared fears are not in vain. For when this momentous scene happened, I cheered myself (Internally, of course. Making audible comments during a movie would ruin years of Oreo work) because there on screen was a perfect physical representation of what I am working so very hard to do. 

So go see the movie. The acting is phenominal, the script is amazing, the effects work is outstanding, the phone promo’s done by yours truly (call 1-866-666-6001 to hear OreoWriter keep humans safe!) and there’s this hilarious and moving scene in Act III. You’re going to love it.