There’s a lot to be sad about these days. France. Baton Rouge. Whatever on earth is going to happen at the RNC this week.
Or maybe it’s closer to home and this past Tuesday instead of working on a new story you’re breaking, you sat in a small, square room and looked at a bunch of x-rays and listened to many doctors say that they don’t know exactly what is going on inside your dog, but that it is very very bad and they cannot fix it.
Sometimes shit happens. And sometimes shit happens during normal business hours. So sometimes, you’re going to have to alternate between weeping uncontrollably and answering questions about best practices for afternoon dailies.
What’s that, you say? Why not “just take the day off” or “excuse yourself if you think you’re getting emotional?” Those are great questions, but I’m a little surprised you’re asking them, Hypothetical Reader.
The Oreo Lifestyle is all about keeping people comfortable. That’s why we don’t have political hair in public (what we look like when we’re in the comfort of our own homes is our own business), why we try not to travel in packs, and why we take so much care to be chatty enough but to keep our opinions obscure AF. Hair, opinions, gangs–things keep people comfortable.
Also, no one likes to see people cry. Definitely not at work. Crying makes people uncomfortable.
So even when you have to make that one last call between morning meetings to explain to some well-meaning, but under-caffeinated intern what last steps you’d like to have taken with your dog’s body, remember to keep that stiff upper lip. And if you’re having trouble, these tips might be that little boost you need to make sure that everyone who comes by your office has a pleasant and not at all overly emotional experience.
They’re not just for Victorians anymore. What was once an accessory work to show that you were middle-aged and married could stand a chance to make a comeback. A little lace about the face is a perfect way to look trendy, travelled, and most importantly, obscured enough so that people have no idea if you’re crying or not.
They say that eye contact is important in business interaction. But not if your eyes are full of tears. Then it’s just awkward. Sure, people might have some questions if the top half of your face is covered, but at least they’re asking if you found this piece on Etsy or on vacation, and not if you need a hug.
As an Oreo, you have to get your hair straightened anyway, why not do it today! With Blowouts That Come To You, you can order up emotional camouflage as easy as ordering an Uber. Call the drybar of your choice and a friendly stylist will come to your home or office to redirect your tangly locks–and the stares of others.
Instead of shellacking down your usual super-straight ‘do, try something with a little bit of movement. A swoop of bangs across your face will hide your weepy eyes; and you’ll spend so much effort constantly brushing your hair out of your damn face so you can see for one minute that you’ll exhaust all those energy stores and won’t have the strength to cry anymore.
If you can’t hide your physical face, you can always blame something else for you making everyone wish they hadn’t swung by your desk without knocking first. No, not the cruel hand of fate that really fucked with your week, but some stray ingredient in whatever you last ate. Leaking eyes? It’s not emotions that are causing it, but maybe strawberries or melon or codeine or whatever.
Just let people know that you were careless in your lunch choice and they’ll get on with their day happily thinking that you’re getting on with yours.
Or, you could just be vulnerable for one second and let people know what’s really happenin—I’m sorry. This is clearly not one of the choices. Get outta here, Hypothetical Reader, you’re not allowed to type.
Here’s to having a better week…and to you, you crazy dog. You could be a real motherfucker, but the person I love the most loved you the most. So I really wish you were still here.
And if you’re not having a better week, here’s to looking like you are!
Need a few more tips to bury your blubbering? Then check out Part 1 of this series.
What are your favorite tips for hiding your feelings when you’re in front of other human people? Let us know in the comments!
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