Month: July 2016

How to Cry at Work, II

 

There’s a lot to be sad about these days. France. Baton Rouge. Whatever on earth is going to happen at the RNC this week.

Or maybe it’s closer to home and this past Tuesday instead of working on a new story you’re breaking, you sat in a small, square room and looked at a bunch of x-rays and listened to many doctors say that they don’t know exactly what is going on inside your dog, but that it is very very bad and they cannot fix it.

Sometimes shit happens. And sometimes shit happens during normal business hours. So sometimes, you’re going to have to alternate between weeping uncontrollably and answering questions about best practices for afternoon dailies.

 

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What’s that, you say? Why not “just take the day off” or “excuse yourself if you think you’re getting emotional?” Those are great questions, but I’m a little surprised you’re asking them, Hypothetical Reader.

The Oreo Lifestyle is all about keeping people comfortable. That’s why we don’t have political hair in public (what we look like when we’re in the comfort of our own homes is our own business), why we try not to travel in packs, and why we take so much care to be chatty enough but to keep our opinions obscure AF. Hair, opinions, gangs–things keep people comfortable.

Also, no one likes to see people cry. Definitely not at work. Crying makes people uncomfortable.

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So even when you have to make that one last call between morning meetings to explain to some well-meaning, but under-caffeinated intern what last steps you’d like to have taken with your dog’s body, remember to keep that stiff upper lip. And if you’re having trouble, these tips might be that little boost you need to make sure that everyone who comes by your office has a pleasant and not at all overly emotional experience.

 

Veils

They’re not just for Victorians anymore. What was once an accessory work to show that you were middle-aged and married could stand a chance to make a comeback. A little lace about the face is a perfect way to look trendy, travelled, and most importantly, obscured enough so that people have no idea if you’re crying or not.

They say that eye contact is important in business interaction. But not if your eyes are full of tears. Then it’s just awkward. Sure, people might have some questions if the top half of your face is covered, but at least they’re asking if you found this piece on Etsy or on vacation, and not if you need a hug.

Look how smart and not uncomfortable she looks. The fan's a nice addition, too. (source)

Look how smart and not uncomfortable she looks. The fan’s a nice addition, too.
(source)

 

Quick blowout

As an Oreo, you have to get your hair straightened anyway, why not do it today! With Blowouts That Come To You, you can order up emotional camouflage as easy as ordering an Uber. Call the drybar of your choice and a friendly stylist will come to your home or office to redirect your tangly locks–and the stares of others.

Instead of shellacking down your usual super-straight ‘do, try something with a little bit of movement. A swoop of bangs across your face will hide your weepy eyes; and you’ll spend so much effort constantly brushing your hair out of your damn face so you can see for one minute that you’ll exhaust all those energy stores and won’t have the strength to cry anymore.

What is Reese Witherspoon thinking in this windy day? Could be anything, really. What a fun mystery! (source)

What is Reese Witherspoon thinking in this windy day? Could be anything, really. What a fun mystery!
(source)

 

Allergies

If you can’t hide your physical face, you can always blame something else for you making everyone wish they hadn’t swung by your desk without knocking first. No, not the cruel hand of fate that really fucked with your week, but some stray ingredient in whatever you last ate. Leaking eyes? It’s not emotions that are causing it, but maybe strawberries or melon or codeine or whatever.

Yup, just something I ate

Yup, just something I ate

 

Just let people know that you were careless in your lunch choice and they’ll get on with their day happily thinking that you’re getting on with yours.

 

Or, you could just be vulnerable for one second and let people know what’s really happenin—I’m sorry. This is clearly not one of the choices. Get outta here, Hypothetical Reader, you’re not allowed to type.

 

Here’s to having a better week…and to you, you crazy dog. You could be a real motherfucker, but the person I love the most loved you the most. So I really wish you were still here.

 

And if you’re not having a better week, here’s to looking like you are!

Lady Mary 4

Need a few more tips to bury your blubbering? Then check out Part 1 of this series.

What are your favorite tips for hiding your feelings when you’re in front of other human people? Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo Oreo:

Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what  you think!

This Summer

With the Fourth of July hangover finally wearing off, your Solstice reading of A Midsummer Night’s Dream behind you, and your longbow freshly waxed to draw in solidarity with the teams in Rio in August, it’s clear that summer is here!!

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The long warm days set the stage for all kinds of amazing activities for you and your summer-weight plaid to get up to. You might enjoy a nice turn about a topiary tour, relaxing at a regatta, or other activities that alliterate appealingly.

But as an Oreo, there is something you simply must do this summer:

Don’t Go Outside, Please.

Yes, the days are warm and lovely. But there’s no reason you can’t enjoy that beautiful summer sky from the inside of your French doors.

Sure, the waters on the Cape are just perfect. But why not take this time to host a slide show of your past exploits! That way, you get the joy of the memory without the risk of death sunburn.

And of course, you will be missed at the Equestrian Center, but with your friends Snapchatting you every Piaffe and Counter Canter it’s like you’re there.

Seriously, please don’t leave the house. Just… lock the door and stay in there.

There really is no reason to head away from your living room. No need to get into your car or head to a convenience store for any single thing. Between Postmates and Amazon, anything you need can come to you. Whether you want to nosh on some chicken salad on white bread or grab yourself a re-stringed badminton racquet, the Internets will make it so. And you can enjoy the whole thing from your claw-footed tub or Jonathan Adler couch while enjoying your Wes Anderson retrospective.

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For the love of all that is holy, just stay home.

A season indoors will also give you time to finish all that needlepointing from the holiday, write some bang-up fundraising letters for charity, alphabetizing your Restoration Hardware catalogues, and making sure you know all the words to She Loves Me.

#janekrakowskiismyspiritanimal #dowestillusetheprasespiritanimal #ismygenxshowing

#janekrakowskiismyspiritanimal #dowestillusethephrasespiritanimal?

Plus, staying home will give you plenty of time to craft non-offensive facebook replies to perfectly reasonable questions like:

  • Well, he did have a gun.
  • Well, he did have a record.
  • Well, his right arm wasn’t subdued.
  • Well, don’t you think AllLivesMatter hashtag?
  • Well, why not just stop resisting?
  • Well, what about black-on-black crime? I mean, Detroit??
  • Well, why would you be afraid? Don’t do anything wrong and you’ll be fine, right?

Truly, inside is just going to be your best bet for a while.

Fall will come soon and long sleeves, long pants, and turtlenecks will make the streets safe again.

Until then, my darlings.

Xoxox

 

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Need someone to keep you company for the rest of the season? What are you going to be doing with your alone time? Reach out here or at any of the links below and let us know!

Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what  you think!