Month: April 2013

How to Sleep Better at Night

Last week, when it was approximately Day #871,433 of waking up with a crazy stiff neck and tight back screaming at me, I figured it was time to do stop relying on bedding from Marshalls and handle my back and body pain like an adult. So I did.

If you’re having neck or back pain, I suggest you follow these easy steps.

1. Ignore symptoms as long as possible. You have other things do with your time besides go to the doctor. There’s that pile of clothes you’re going to keep thinking about putting away. That book you’re contemplating reading. And that Law and Order: SVU marathon is not going to watch itself.

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2. Rule out problematic treatment options. Look, you could “go to the doctor” or “work with an occupational therapist to figure out what daily habits have ruined your spine” or “kick your cats out of bed or at the very least don’t be afraid of moving them so you’re not sleeping in a cursive m shape” or  “try to calm the eff down for one minute and stop letting the needless anxiety twist you into knots and win.”

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But those things take time. You don’t have time (see Step #1). You need results. Preferably that you can walk to. That you don’t have to deal with an overburdened medical office staff for.

3. Walk to the conveniently located Relax the Back store. It’s a nice day outside, enjoy it.

4. Awkwardly test pillows while a salesperson stares at you pretending to sleep. Heads up that you don’t need to tell them that to accurately recreate your sleeping conditions, you’ll need to remove all your clothes and add one glass of wine (okay, maybe 2), but you do need to be okay laying on a bed while someone looks at you with a mixture of curiosity and skepticism. It’s kind of like going to the doctor. Or on a second date.

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5. Balk at the prices of this pillow that you love and makes you feel like a dream. But fuck it. You’re already here. What are you going to do? Try another store? Go back to Mervyn’s? That’s all the way across town. You’ll spend a bunch of money on gas getting there, so even if the pillows there are cheap, you’ll have spent the same amount of cash anyway. What? You drive a Leaf. Whatever. Just take the damn pillows and go have lunch.

6. Toss the new pillows on your bed. Don’t worry about getting ride of the old one. Just leave them there. If they’re thin and crappy enough, it’ll be like they’re not there anyway. If the old pillows are big and fluffy enough, then you’ll look like you live in a Crate and Barrel catalog.

7. Curl up on your Lovely and let the cats sleep on the new pillows while falling asleep in your usual fashion. Sure, this won’t exactly cure your back problems but you can rest easier knowing that you tried. And at least the cats aren’t at your feet anymore.

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How do you sleep at night? Let us know in the comments!

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Fried Chicken Fail #343 – Popeye’s

We all know there are things that an Oreo is just not allowed to eat: watermelon, okra, certain flavors of froyo, yogurt more than 10 days past the expiration date and of course, fried chicken.

That’s why this new Popeye’s commercial was so upsetting. I know I’m not supposed to eat fried chicken, I know I should probably never look a Popeye’s franchise in the face. But this thing they’re selling is called chicken and there’s no way it can be.

what the holy eff?

I think you can still hear it screaming.

So can I eat it or not?!

What say someone accidentally brings this thing to an event. Let’s pretend that I’m starving at the corner of Hollywood and Wilcox and can’t possibly get across the street and this is all that’s available? Mayhaps one day I go on Fear Factor and have to eat one of these for a million dollars. Can I indulge?

Nothing about a chicken happens the way it appears in the Rip’n Chick’n basket. No parts of a pollo comes in a 6-pronged piece. Zero locations on a bird’s body look like this venus fly trap of a deep fried disaster.

The only things in nature that look like this fried are human hands, tarantulas and the boning of a Chinese hand fan. None of which are off menu for an Oreo. But just think how embarrassing it would be to bite into what you think is a perfectly harmless drawn and quartered Medusa head only to find out that you’re doing something worse than potentially being turned into stone: acting like an RBP and enjoying some down home L’siana cookin’.  UghBarf.

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Diary of a Mad Black White Woman: Sweet Revenge

Dear Diary,

I’m so totes jeals of Detroit sellouts! Apparently, protestors in that city sent bags of Oreo Cookies to city officials after said officials allowed for the appointment of Kevyn Orr as the City’s Emergency Manager.

Said Minister Malik Shabazz, the local chairman of the New Black Panther Party and the leader of these protests:

“There’s nothing wrong with being born white,” Shabazz told me. “But if you’re black, why are you acting white on the inside?”

Um…why act white? So. Many. Reasons.

Also, sure, Kevyn Orr went to a nice school and made $700 an hour being a bankruptcy lawyer, but he can’t be that white, he spells his name with a “y” where there shouldn’t be one. I’ve been out Oreoing that guy for years now and the best protest I’ve ever gotten was rape threats.

What’s an Oreo got to do to get an Oreo or two?

Shabazz says that more protests are planned and that officials can expect to receive more threatening symbols of upset including, but not limited to: milk for their cookies, marble cheesecake, a jammy Pinot noir with a bright nose and delicate finish, gift certificates for free tailoring of formal wear, and pleasant conversation with friends.

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What Are You Doing This Weekend?

As the weekend approaches, it’s important to have a list of Oreo-approved things at the ready to say you’re going to do.

It’s not that saying: “What am I up to this weekend? Oh, not much” sounds like you’re saying “I’m going to attend an NBA match while smoking some weed.” It’s just that not having specific plans leaves room for people to speculate about what you might be doing. And an Oreo can leave no room for speculation. Because you know what speculation does. It makes you and your friend Lation eat Speculoos.

Which to be fair, is pretty yums, just not healthy (source)

Which to be fair, is pretty yums, just not healthy
(source)

But what do you do if you really don’t have any plans? After all, a Show Jumping Grand Prix or corset-making class doesn’t just come along every weekend. How do you account for your whereabouts when you’re not sure about where you’ll be?

We’ve made it easier for you. Just take one word from Column A, combine it with one word from Column B and voila! Instant Oreo plans! And if people ask you to prove it by taking picture, just say that photography wasn’t allowed….and you had to take an oath. In blood. People will stop asking you questions when you bring up the blood.

Column A

Column B

Haiku Reenactment
Equestrian Reading
Gilbert and Sullivan Tour
Scrabble Con
British Revue
Steampunk Exhibition
Saloon Pilgramage
TED Society
This American Life Build
Castle Tournament
Robotics Recital
Tom Stoppard Event
Game of Thrones Walkabout

So…What are you doing this weekend?

If you are looking for some Oreo-approved-cations, check out these 3 not-awkward-at-all day trips

 

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Back in the Saddle

The dressage saddle, mind you. Right next to Ann, Mitt and Rafalca.

So apparently, even when you’re diagnosed with a medical condition that affects only the fairest of the fair (tl;dr version: I have a gluten allergy that allegedly only affects people of Scandinavian descent) and you’ve been medically determined to be officially white on the inside, you still get tons of questions like:

  • “Remember that part in Roots?”
  • “Are you sad that the girl from Beasts of the Southern Wild didn’t win? How do you pronounce her name?”
  • “Love your bangs! Did you do that because of Michelle?”
  • “Seriously? You don’t like mustard, mushrooms or sushi, you get mad when your salad touches your potatoes and you don’t consider yourself to be a picky eater?”
  • “Has anyone told you that you look like Rhianna?”
  • “Do you ever calm down for like one single minute?”
  • “Did you see Tyler Perry presents Tyler Perry’s Temptation brought to you by Tyler Perry by Sapphire?”
  • “You’re afraid of the dark? What are you, 4?!”

So it’s time to tighten my Renaissance Faire corset, stick my pinky out at high tea, crack open that Augusten Burroughs and get my tickets to This American Life Live and lighten things up again.

A garland, a bodice and a horse, oh my! Pretty much a perfect Oreo day.

A garland, a bodice and a horse, oh my! Would an RBP put on this outfit?! Pretty much a perfect Oreo day.For tips on how to enjoy your own Renaissance Faire, click here! 

Stay strong my Oreos. And let me know what you’ve been up to!