Month: February 2011

Oscar Haikus!

My excitement over this year’s Oscars can only be expressed in some nice 5-7-5 meter!

Anglo-tastic night
One brown nominee but
No win for Bardem

 

More like Vicky, Christina, Barce-sexy!

Nothing did my Oreo heart more good to see that on this night when we award the best of the best of the image makers, they didn’t clutter up the stage or screw with the lighting requirements by throwing a bunch of of colors into the mix.

Why practice timing
If host jokes don’t land: Plan B
Blue latex dress. Go!

Honestly, I’m torn. It was kind of cool. And kind of scary.

Colin, Hooper, Leigh
Hel’na, more! Brit invasion!
So Anglo! I approve!

 

More like Colin FilthythoughtswhenIthinkofyou

So many British nominees/winners! Is this their plan to take back the colonies? Fine by me. I love Duffle Coats!

Autotune the news
Made Oscar debut tonight
Fine, but why Twilight??

I’m assuming it was ATTN that did the awkwardly placed quasi-musical montage. I’m also assuming the live audience was as confused as we were by the not-so-smooth segue and completely random choice of films autotuned.

When hosting, relax
If meditation fails you,
Pot seems to work well.

James Franco was high as a kite, right??

More like James Fra..nlkyIjustdidthisonetohonortheruleof3s

What did you think of the Oscars? Let us know in the comments!!

I Can Haz Blackface like Beyonce?

I never thought I would say that the woman who fronted DreamGirls and married Jay-Z would be an Oreo icon. But she has done something I always thought impossible and off limits for of colors, no matter how Oreo they may be.

Sunburning is a special gift for Oreos. It’s pretty much reserved for white people and getting one as an of-color allows you to shoot past your ethnicity as you have conversations about peeling. To date, I’ve had one sunburn, and while it made my cry when I took a shower (seriously, felt like a million little needles being thrust at my chest), I felt pretty not-black for getting one.

But now there’s something even better to aspire to: getting to wear blackface.

Typically, blackface has been reserved for 19th century performers, 21st century frat boys and the Dutch (you know I love you, JRA!).

 

It's a holiday tradition!

 

But now, fashion designers are getting in on the act! More often than before, designers are painting white models black and having them show off clothes…instead of…just hiring black models to show off those clothes.

 

Edgy

Passé

 

And natch, one would assume that it’s mostly white models getting the makeovers.

But then, Beyonce got one!

 

Jeals!!!

 

(Thanks to my friends at Sociological Images for the story. Click here to check out their coverage and analysis)

How freaking Oreo is that?? You have to be pretty not-black to be asked to wear blackface makeup!!

And there are other great Oreo themes in this photo! Like how only part of her is darkened…I mean, you don’t want to get carried away and make someone, you know…black. And she kept the blonde hair. Also the animal print clothing reminds us how dark people are all tribal and whatnot.

Good on you, Beyonce! Good on you.

What do you think? Is fahsion blackface as creepy as regular blackface? Is it creepy to see it go the other way? Are mimes offensive as they are in whiteface? Is putting a white person in black makeup more interesting/artistic/fashion forward than just hiring a black model in the first place?

Let us know your thoughts in the comments!  Then follow us on Twitter, watch us on youtube or like us on facebook!

Anything They Can Do, Blacks Can Do Better! (Hospitals!!!)

People often ask me why I try so hard to hide my blackness from the world. And I say, well, mainly because I’ve seen The Blind Side (and Precious Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire and Dangerous Minds and Freedom Writers, O, Hardball, Up the Down Staircase, Step Up, Bring it On, Step Up 2: The Streets, Finding Forrester, Precious-Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire, Fighting the Odds: The Marilyn Gambrell Story, Hancock, Wildcats, The Gridiron Gang, Friday Night Lights) and um, yeah…being black looks really scary and makes you way more likely to cut a bitch. And I don’t want to cut any bitches.

Being black also brings along with it a certain competitiveness. Blacks are always trying to outfill the judicial systems faster than

Get used to it, black people. Whether the ambulances are scurrying you away from the drive by or just double checking the doctor's work, apparently, you're going to be seeing a lot of them. Statistics say so!

non-colors, flee from PhD programs faster than non-colors and get hypertension way more!

And those things are so not me!

I mean look at today’s story:

After leaving the hospital for treatment of three common conditions, older black people are more likely to be readmitted within 30 days than older white people, a new study finds.

Black patients have 13 percent greater odds of readmission within 30 days after discharge, according to the study.

Boo! I don’t want to spend extra time in the hospital. I mean, the idea of a handsome, wealthy man in a nice coat touching my forehead softly and asking if everything is okay is just fine. But I can probably just hire that out, right?

Check back in for more things that blacks do better than whites! If you don’t, I might have to summon the color in me and cut a bitch. And like I said, I don’t want to have to do that.

Awesomely Awkward – Jumprope

Sometimes, my Oreo-ness is totally validated when someone says something to me that they totally wouldn’t say to a regular black

Wondering if what's on the tip of your tongue is odd or offensive? Say it anyway! It might just be a compliment in disguise.

person (You know, like the n-word!). When someone looks at me and says something…odd or potentially off-putting about race and then stare back at me with eyes wide open and blinking sweetly, it makes me feel like I’m doing my job at making those around me forget that my ethnicity of origin.

Today’s gem came to me last night at the gym. I was in the middle of a two-hour boxing workout (20 mins of running then 20 minutes of shadow boxing then 12 minutes of jumproping then 120 pushups then 20 minutes of mitt work then 20 minutes of abs then an hour and a half of recouperative sobbing). It was the jumprope section and the girl next to me kept catching her rope with her feet and whipping herself in the back with the rope.

After a few of these began to bring up tiny red marks on her back, she turned to me and said: “Man! Now I know how the slaves felt!! That must have sucked!”

It probably did suck, I thought. But not as much as you not being able to share that with me.

I have pilates tonight. Here’s hoping someone compares the resistance band to leg irons!

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This anecdote aside, it’s inevitable that awkward stuff just slips out sometimes! What’s a convo you’ve had that still makes you blush? Let us know in the comments!

Black Guy or White Guy? See if you can tell!

For Valentine’s Day, i I thought I’d tell some fun dating stories. Some good, some not as good. And I thought I’d make it interesting.

As an Oreo, if I’m on a date now, you can be pretty sure it’s not with a black guy. But that wasn’t always the case. True enough, I’ve never had a black boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean that once or twice, I didn’t dip my toe in the water. The cold, cold water.

Below are some dating stories, names of course withheld to protect…me from retribution. 🙂

See if you can guess the guy’s race. Answers are below.

1. 1 + 1 = 2 dates that didn’t go anywhere.  The fact that when I was young, I had crushes on Ferdinand the Friendly Bull, Lambert the Sheepish Lion, Valcor the Luck Dragon and Jesus demonstrates that I have always been drawn to squishy, emotional, sweet, artistic guys who like to tell stories and hug.

I will always hold a candle for you, Mr. F.

But this one time, I decided to break that mold by going out with a rough and tumble, snowboarding accountant.

He made reservations at an adorable Spanish restaurant, showed up smelling delightful, bought a round of wine before dinner, ordered a ton of apps and plied me with three or four martinis without once not being a perfect gentleman. He told me stories about his work that actually made accounting seem exciting, took me to the movies the next week…then never called again.

So what do you think? White guy or black guy?

2. Prohibition. Dinner was at one of my favorite LA eateries: Cole’s. Cole’s is a mahogany and maroon French Dip place steeped in history and that serves an amazing Manhattan. We had dinner there, then snuck into the speakeasy in the back for a couple of fancy drinks in old tymey atmosphere.

Say fella, don’t get in a lather, take a guess on what this dude looked like or go chase yourself!

3. Montage. This one was seriously like something out of a movie. We met at a party. Couple weeks later, he said that he had a day planned and that I needed to bring a couple of changes of clothes. Now, I normally am not a fan of surprises–a lot of pressure to have the right reaction to questionable stimulus.

No, really! I love that you redecorated my apartment in a totally new color scheme and bought me a Doberman!

But this date was full of great surprises! I drove to his place by the water. He drove us to a Soul Food place, but then quickly made up for that infraction by taking us to more anglo-tastic spots like an airplane museum, a surfing lesson and a beach-side cantina. We fell asleep watching a movie on his couch and the only reason we didn’t end the night…differently…was b/c the day before he had had surgery on his mouth. A week later, he left for France and never called again.

Opening this weekend! The answer to the nagging question…was he white or black??

4. A Classic Tragedy. We met at a bar where instead of bumping or grinding me, he told me that he loved Hemingway and The Secret of NIMH. He also told me that he wrote poetry and the next day, he invited me to come over and hear him read some. Here’s the thing about poetry, if you’re going to use it as a second impression, it better be pretty darn good. His…rhymed. He left to go home to Seattle the day after that ( I was living in Yakima, WA at the time). I told him I was going to be up in Seattle for a Shakespeare Festival. He said he would love to go.

On the drive up, I called him and mentioned I was hungry.

“Do you know the Space Needle,” he asked.

“Um…yeah!” I said, excited that I might get to eat lunch in a nice restaurant way up high.

Romantic.

“Great,” he answered. “There’s a McDonald’s right down the street. Let’s meet there.”

I thought maybe we’d meet there and go up to the Space Needle. Nope. We ate a McD’s. And went Dutch.

Not romantic.

We went to the Shakes Fest and I was going to ask him if he was bored by the brilliant version of Troilus and Cressida we were watching. But I was unable, as he was sleeping. I tried to sneak away, but my steps woke him up in time for him to ask me if I wanted to spend the night at his place.

Who did I not shack up with that night? A white dude or a black one?

5. Comedy and Cocktails. The alway-suited son of a chef got VIP tix to a comedy show and then took us to a trendy Hollywood eatery for lots of yummy apps and a $35 shot of whisky that I still think about. After dinner, we snuggled at his place for about an hour before he dropped me off at my car….and then didn’t talk to me for a year.

It would be funny if it wasn’t the 3rd time in this quiz game. Who do you think did it this time?

ANSWERS

1. WG. Though he did smoke a lot of weed and he liked hip hop.

2. WG. And I don’t know where there aren’t more people of color at this 1920’s nostalgia fest. Maybe because in the time when alcohol was illegal, racism wasn’t. Oh well, more Oreo points for me! 🙂

3. WG. Don’t think I didn’t think to myself “hmmm, maybe gum stitches aren’t *that* bad.”

4. Totes RBP.

5. Trick question! This one was a half-black. By some accounts, that would make him an Oreo, but according to the Oreo FAQ, that’s just not the case. Either way…seriously, what’s up with the great dates followed by no follow up??

What are your fave date stories? Tell us in the comments! And for reals, if anyone can explain the radio silence phenomenon, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

4 Ways to Grow Your Blanchetourage

The kids get it, too!

Requiste for every Oreo is the appropriate blanchetourage. This friendly group of white people who accompany the Oreo will provide just the right number of naive questions, quiche recipes and invitations to country clubs to keep the Oreo away from other of colors and caught up on the self loathing.

But in this crazy world, making friends can be hard. So how does one grow one’s blanchetourage? Well, it goes a little something like this:

1. Look the part. Make sure that you have shed as many trappings of your ethnicity as possible. This means straightened hair, short, natural fingernails and a booty-minimizing Spanx. If you hang on to an ethnic look, potential blanchetourage members may not know that you’re not an RBP and thus safe to approach.

No.

2. Pick Up a Little From Pick Up Artists. As any guy two beers into his sex quest for the night knows, first impressions are key. You have about two seconds to make your mark think you’re worth talking to. The same goes for your blanchetourage. Just like the wrong pick up line can send a girl running into the arms of the not-so-nice-but-way-more-suave-a-hole on the other side of the bar, saying the wrong thing to a non-color at first blush can stop your blanchetourage quest in its tracks. Here are some lines you may want to use when staring a convo.

  • “Didn’t I meet you at that Neil LaBute tribute showcase last week?”
  • “I’m sorry, I think that’s my dram of Ardberg.”
  • “Gorgeous corset! I would kill for boning like that.”
  • “Pardon my limp. I broke in a new dressage pony this weekend.”
  • “Damn this sunburn!”

3. Arrange a follow-up meeting at the appropriate place. Once you’ve made your connection, you have to solidify it. Do this by setting up a meetup at an Oreo-approved location like your stable, the beach club, the performance bicycle center, a free-diving convention or Bath, England.

4. Show them the goods. Welcome them to the fold with an introduction to the rest of your blanchetourage. Since you can’t rid yourself of every ethnic trait (I’m looking at you, skin color!) they may still always wonder just a little when your hidden RBP (that’s “Regular Black Person” for you newbies!) is going to break loose. By surrounded them with more of them, you’ll help them feel right at home.

What do you think? Cuz seriously, making new friends can be hard. How do you do it? Do you tend to have a big entourage (blanche or otherwise) or just a few close besties. Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)

Diary of a Mad White Black Woman – What’s Up With All the Black People?!

Dear Diary,

When I choose my weekend events, I do so with a purpose! Whether it’s a dinner party based on Myers-Briggs Personality Typing or a trip to Medieval Times, I expect to be the only person of color in attendance. Maybe one of two or three. But I certainly don’t expect to blend into the crowd due to the fact that the crowd looks like me!!

This is how I normally do it. Can you find me??

 

Imagine my shock and consternation this weekend, then.

It started with my weekly riding lesson. This time I was on a new horse named Calvin–a beautiful red rome who looked like he galloped out of a fairy tale and into my cross-ties. As per usual, I was the only one of me at the barn.

That all changed when I walked across the street to the Equestrian Center. There was a rodeo going on and though I prefer English riding to Western, Western is still pretty impressive, so I sat down and that’s when I saw it.

The stands…the arena…the holding areas…all full of black cowboys!! It wasn’t the shadow cast by the hundreds of Stetson hats over faces that made those faces look dark. It was the pigment! To my left, black riders. To my right, black riders. On the microphone a black announcer announcing more black riders.

The black I usually see at horse events.

Normally when I’m around this many black folks, I’ve gotten lost on the campus of an HBCU, am at Roscoes or have wandered into a check cashing place.

I didn’t know what to do. I knew I should run, but I wanted to see the horses, so I sat and assured myself that the trip to the spa I was taking later that afternoon would right the balance of black in my life.

It didn’t.

A bit flustered from my day at the rodeo and from the fact that the parking structure I had to use looked like something that Theseus would have to solve, I tumbled into the lobby of the spa, expecting to see …well, not so many black people.

The lobby looked like a Southern Baptist convention. Behind the desk, in front of the desk, tons of black people!

Diary, I did not cultivate a love of all things anglo and deny myself listening to Miles Davis as a kid so that I would just end up surrounded by RBP at a moment’s notice!

I was too shocked to sound any of the Oreo distress calls, so I couldn’t even ascertain if these people were friendlies.

Luckily, the lights were dimmed, so it was just as matter of moments before I couldn’t really see anyone else anyway.

Thank goodness the deep tissue massage was extra deep to flush out the additional stress.

You would think this was where my crazy dark day would end. But no! Fate had even more in store!

I made dinner plans with a friend and while I was waiting for him at the bar, a guy began chatting me up. He asked me lots of polite questions about myself and gave me his card…. And he was black

WHAT THE FU–!?! Diary, I spend a lot of money and time straightening my hair and wiping the ethnicity from my voice. Why such a fluke of a day?

I will meditate on this while playing my flute and enjoying some apple, pear and beet salad. And hope that tomorrow goes better.

 

The rodeo did have mutton-busting, which looks like this (only with a tiny black kid instead). So that was...fun.

 

 

-OW

How do you solve a bad day? Let us know in the comments!

What happens when you find yourself surrounded? Read here to find out!

Even when they are friendlies, don’t get too cozy. Read here to find out how to protect yourself!

Why do I not generally accept business cards from black guys. Watch this video to see!

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