Month: March 2012

Conversations with WhitePal – March Madness

All transcriptions of WhitePal conversations accurately reflect actual conversations between me and people who do their best to tolerate having to explain things to me.

INT. OFFICE – THE OREO EXPERIENCE’S DESK – DAY

WHITEPAL, 20s, giggles as she finishes a conversation with TOE.

TOE: Awww, he sounds fun!

WP: Yeah, he’s a cool guy.

TOE: And he’s a real basketball player? Like he’s famous?

WP: Yeah, people know who he is.

TOE: Cool! When are you seeing him again?

WP: He asked if he could see me after the game tonight. I told him I would, but only if he got a Triple Double.

TOE: …. Is that something on In N Out’s secret menu?

Everything's a little better animal style.
(source)

****

Still not totally sure what a triple double is, so if someone could enlighten me, that’d be baller! (That use of a basketball-derived slang word’s gotta count for something, right?)

****

And the above is so not the only time I’ve had to reach for an urban dictionary….

There was the time me and a WP disagreed over what a toaster was.

And the time we talked politics.

The night we dished about going to karaoke.

That embarrassing experience at an engagement party.

And something about hair products.

***

***************************
For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

5 Reasons Men Like Rush Don’t Get this Access to Birth Control Bullsh*t

In the last few weeks, women who would like to have relatively easy access to birth control have been called sluts. Women who’d rather not be raped by their doctors if they need to end a pregnancy have been told that since they had sex once, they really should be okay with just any old thing taking a trip inside their vagina. Women who would like options for preventing pregnancy have told that they only birth control they need is an aspirin between their legs.

And I get it. I mean when women are all blahblahfeelings, blahblahpleasedon’tmakeadifficultproceduremoredifficult, blahblahwhyaren’twelookingoutforthehealthofthenation… It’s annoying, am I right, fellas?

This guy knows what I’m talkin’ about.

And as TV and film have drummed into our heads, listening to a woman talk is like teh worstest thing evah!!

I mean, you’d think that legislators would use a couple of things called “reason” and “logic” to help get good laws through and bad ones out. But, c’mon, they have a lot of things going on, we really can’t expect them to give 210% like that.

But we can’t just chalk up their inability to grasp some basic tenants of health care because they’re busy. So here are 5 reasons that these guys have a hard time understanding what’s so blahblah”important”blah.

1. Men do not have sex with women. I mean, they must not, or the lawmakers who know that it’s in a woman’s best interest to not have relatively easy access to prescription birth control must not anyway. If those men did ever have sex with women, they might say things like “Hey, I want to have options for birth control, too. And I want to make extra sure my partner and I don’t get pregnant since I’m not interested in having a child right now. I hope that women continue to have access to birth control so that I can have a safe and healthy sexual experience with this hot piece of ass who’s on my lap right now.” Since men, or at least the men supporting these legislations, are not saying crazy bananas sentences like, they must not be involved with ladies in the Biblical sense.

The only thing dudes are sleeping with these days are snazzy body pillows!

2. Men do not have daughters or wives. I mean, they must not, or the lawmakers who know that it’s in a woman’s best interest to not have relatively easy access to prescription birth control must not anyway. If they did have daughters or wives, they might find themselves sayings things like, “While I’d rather my young daughter not have sex right now, I understand that she might. Lots of teenagers do and even though I really hope she waits, I want her to be safe if she does. I’d also like for her to be in the habit of protecting her uterus so that once she leaves my house, she can make safe, informed decisions about how not to get pregnant if she doesn’t want to get pregnant.”

If they had daughters or wives, they also might say things like “Holy crap, my daughter and/or wife is in the hospital because of her poly cystic ovarian syndrome. I’m glad that these doctors are helping us get birth control for them so that they don’t have to be in this kind of pain every month, for it makes me sad to see women I care about in pain, especially when that pain is avoidable with something as simple as relatively easy access to prescription birth control.”

Huh, I always thought weddings were more popular. Guess not.

3. Men are not pro-life. I mean, they must not be, or the lawmakers who know that it’s in a woman’s best interest to not have relatively easy access to prescription birth control must not anyway….This one’s weird because the people who don’t want women to get birth control are also typically people who do not want women to have abortions. But if they really didn’t want women to have abortions, they might say something like “Wow, thank goodness for relatively easy access to birth control. Now, couples can have sex if they want to and significantly reduce the likelihood that they’re going to end up pregnant if they don’t want to be pregnant. And since people have abortions when they don’t want to be pregnant, and since I am pro-life, I am happy that couples can get the protection that they need so that fewer people have to have abortions.”

Loves sweater vests....in part they keep you all warm when you're not getting proper medical care.

4. Men do not want women to be able to go to work. I mean, they must not, or the lawmakers who know that it’s in a woman’s best interest to not have relatively easy access to prescription birth control must not anyway. If they did want women to be able to go to work, they might say something like “Jesus! Your wife was in the hospital because of complications related to her medical condition that could be abated by having access to prescription birth control?? I’m going to make sure that my employees have access to birth control so that I don’t lose chunks of my workforce unnecessarily.”

A sick day's kinda like a spa day, anyway, right? You get to rest and you're surrounded by fluids.

5. Men do not understand how uteri work, and they do not care to be burdened with this information. I mean, they must not, or the lawmakers who know that it’s in a woman’s best interest to not have relatively easy access to prescription birth control must not anyway. If they did understand how uteri and ovaries work, they might say something like “Holy fuck, did Rush fucking Limbaugh just intimate that birth control gets more expensive if you have more sex?!?! That’s fucking bullshit and anyone who believes that should never ever ever reproduce. Thank god for access to birth control!!!!!”

Remember kids: Using insurance to pay for birth control = shameful. Using insurance to pay for your prescription drug addiction...just makes good sense. Oxy isn't cheap, yo!

So, blahblah, thank you for reading. You totally deserve a Klondike!

**************************

What are your thoughts on birth control, the access to it, who should be allowed to provide and/or just doing away with sex so we don’t have to bother our pretty little heads with this ish anymore? Let us know in the comments!

***************************
For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!