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Black Friend Application

Black Friend Finder

A pal was glancing at my facebook photos and said, “wow, you really don’t have any black friends, do you?”

I got the feeling that he doubted the verisimilitude of my blog presence.

He was soundly corrected, but he did get me thinking. Maybe it is time I added another of color friend to join me around the wassail bowl this winter.

I was convinced this was the case this weekend when I shot a little short film that had a fairly large call for blacktors. It was actually kind of nice to reminisce about exactly which season of The Cosby Show had that weird-ass Calypso opening.

So, I need a new black friend. And thankfully, there’s an app for that.

An application that is.

Please pass this along to anyone you think might qualify. Or, if you’re of color, fill it out yourself. The winning friend and I will share Quiche recipes, swap Boxing Day memories and carpool to this year’s Dicken’s fair.

Bonus points goes to the referer of my new friend. If you refer a friend to me and s/he becomes the chosen one, you will receive a personalized anglo-tastic mix CD courtesy of yours truly!

The application is at the link below. Please email answers to oreo@theoreoexperience.com.

Good luck!

The link for the Black Friend Application is here for easy downloading and printing, or you can see the questions here:

 

The Oreo Experience Black Friend Application

 

 

Name:
Email:
Gate Code:

 Multiple Choice

 

1. Jack and Jill is

a)       a nursery rhyme
b)       an unfortunate name for twins
c)       potentially helpful, but should only be approached indirectly

 2)    It’s Sunday afternoon. Are you most likely to be:

a)       sipping cocktails at the yacht club
b)       standing on line for a J. Crew fire sale
c)       suiting up for an AKC training event
d)       slathering on the sunscreen—just in case

3)   Sex : Use Protection as Cornrows :

a)       Smile
b)       Dance
c)       Weep softly into your pillow

Short Answer

1. At what age and under what circumstances did you get your first relaxer?

 1A. Did that relaxer hurt: (circle one)

Exquisitely
So good
Hurt? I’m not tender-headed!

 2. Which HBCU makes you the most uncomfortable and why? (Bonus point will be award to your score if you do not know what HBCU stands for)

3. If your life had a soundtrack, which Broadway opening number would be yours and why?

4) Which character do you most relate to and why>

a)       Ashley
b)       India
c)       Rhett
d)       Scarlett

5) Have you ever cheated on the paper bag test? (If so, please describe method of cheating and any provide any tips).

6) And seriously, can you explain this?

Aunt Jemima IS Sweet; Butterworth is Shunned

Not only does she make breakfast treats even more delicious, she totally reminds me why I work so hard to be an Oreo!

Wow  if that’s what RBP look like, no thank you! And if that caption (which read: “Aunt Jemima, you is so sweet”)  is how they talk…ugh! not for me!!

A big thanks to Tennessee Republican Terri Lynn Weaver for posting this pic on her facebook page shortly after Halloween of her (on the right) posing with her pastor.

Also, thanks to the folks at Sociological Images where I found this video of coverage of the photo. Click the link for the video.

There are so many things to love about that video and this story that I don’t even know where to start. So many good tips and reminders for Oreos! Here’s some of what I learned from this clip.

1. When lawmakers and men of God decide together that dressing up in blackface is okay, how can you possibly argue with that?

2. The use of the phrase “some of my best friends are black”–still a totally valid argument. In the video, Weaver asserts that “she is the least racist person because SOMBFAB.”

3. When doing a story about a contentious race issue, be sure to put your of color reporters on it and have only a passing quote from someone who’s a non-color so that there’s no doubt that this story is pretty much just for black folks and doesn’t affect anyone, except maybe the poor lawmaker who clearly doesn’t understand that facebook is a wildly public space accessible by anyone with a computer or cell phone.

I wonder if we can get that Aunt Jemima get up in a sexy version for the ladies!

I also wonder what other costumes Pastor Jemima threw out in favor of the one he picked. I mean, if he were going for syrup ladies, he could have done Ms. Butterworth and not had to spend so much money on shoe polish.

 

For more fun with facebook, check out this skin whitening app, this invitation to a “Compton Cookout,” and this charming message I got in my inbox.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Compton Cookout – Classic!

When I saw this facebook invitation to a “Compton Cookout” hosted by frat brothers in San Diego, I was upset and heartbroken.

“February marks a very important month in American society. No, I’m not referring to Valentines day or Presidents day. I’m talking about Black History month. As a time to celebrate and in hopes of showing respect, the Regents community cordially invites you to its very first Compton Cookout.

For guys: I expect all males to be rockin Jersey’s, stuntin’ up in ya White T (XXXL smallest size acceptable), anything FUBU, Ecko, Rockawear, High / Low top Jordans or Dunks, Chains, Jorts, stunner shades, 59 50 hats, Tats, etc.

For girls: For those of you who are unfamiliar with ghetto chicks – Ghetto chicks usually have gold teeth, start fights and drama, and wear cheap clothes – they consider Baby Phat to be high class and expensive couture. They also have short, nappy hair, and usually wear cheap weave, usually in bad colors, such as purple or bright red. They look and act similar to Shenaynay, and speak very loudly, while rolling their neck, and waving their finger in your face. Ghetto chicks have a very limited vocabulary, and attempt to make up for it, by forming new words, such as “constipulated,” or simply cursing persistently, or using other types of vulgarities, and making noises, such as “hmmg!,” or smacking their lips, and making other angry noises, grunts, and faces. The objective is for all you lovely ladies to look, act, and essentially take on these “respectable” qualities throughout the day.

Several of the regents condos will be teaming up to house this monstrosity, so travel house to house and experience the various elements of life in the ghetto.

We will be serving 40’s, Kegs of Natty, dat Purple Drank – which consists of sugar, water, and the color purple , chicken, coolade, and of course Watermelon. So come one and come all, make ya self before we break ya self, keep strapped, get yo shine on, and join us for a day party to be remembered – or not.”

Why wasn’t I on the invite list??

Sure, it’s dicey for Oreos to spend time with other people of color, but spending time with people pretending to be of color is just as important as making sure you’ve staked out your place at the regatta. Because here, we are reminded of just how unpleasant we would be if we were RBP.

Thanks, brothers, for the reminder. See you at next year’s Pimps and Hos ball, the Gangta Grill and the Cotton Bowl.

Dear Guy on Facebook

I wanted to apologize to you for two things. One, that I’m not going to return your heartfelt message; and two, that you’re having a hard time with context clues.

While I appreciated your note which read thusly: 

HI YOUR SO PRETTY WUD LUV TO GET WIT U I WERE LOOKING AT YOUR PICS HIT ME WHEN GET A CHANCE WaNNa HoLlA AT U

Your note makes it pretty clear that you and I would not last long as an item. Nevermind the you’re/your issue and the unnecessary use of screamy ALL CAPS, I’m more concerned that after scanning my photos and seeing my lily white blanchetourage gaggle of freckled friends, shots of me performing avant garde theater and standing outside of Austrian cathedrals, you chose the above line to introduce yourself to me.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand the benefits of dating an Oreo, but if that’s what your after, you should chose your words more carefully. The following are some examples of the kind of things that will get the attention of an anglo-enthusiast like myself.

  • “…You remind me of a teacher I had when I was studying at The Globe…”
  • “…Listen, I’ve got box seats for the Canadiens and for Carmen this weekend. Would like to join me at either?”
  • “Quiche lorraine, honey blueberry blintzes or an Eric Rohmer retrospective…which would you prefer for breakfast?”
  • You’re making my heart feel as high as I was while I was show jumping last week. 
  • “Die jurk kijkt echt goed op u. Ik wed dat ik zal, ook.” 

Now, it’s only fair to say that OreoWriter is spoken for. So sorry gentlemen, and that one lesbian I may have misrepresented myself to at the CLO auction party the other week. I really wanted that tenor to leave me alone. Just because he had a paddle does not mean I wanted him to do anything with it.