Month: September 2009

Ten reasons for Oreos to enjoy Yom Kippur and other Jewish holidays.

 

 

It’s not just the fact that we get to think about what’s wrong with us that makes Yom Kippur an important holiday for an Oreo.

 

There are at least nine other reasons why Oreos should pull up a seat next to our Jewish friends, twist our freshly pressed hair into side curls and join them in celebrating the Day of Atonement. 

 

 

1. We can eat fried foods without being all stereotypetastic about it. Let’s hear it for kreplach.

 

2. Being a kosher Oreo leads to fun new words like “Koshoreo.”

 

3. Fasting makes people too weak to notice what you look like.

 

4. Circumcision is probably as painful as a relaxer.

 

5. Communing with former slaves is okay when they can pass for white.

 

5. “Shana Tova” sounds much better than “What up shawty.”

 

6. On the Day of Atonement, Jews celebrate the fact that G-d will forgive the sinful nature of their humanity, present at birth, and give them a fresh start for another year. Oreos can celebrate, too, the fact that a chosen few of the privilege class will forgive us the nature of our birth.

 

8. Sammy. Davis. Jr.sammy_1

 

9. The bitter herbs eaten at meals will taste much like your overly controlled soul.

 

10. We are in the Jewish year 5770. More than 3000 years ahead of the mainstream calendar. Maybe in a parallel Jewish universe, we are equally ahead in society and we don’t have to work so hard to blend in–by 5770, it should come naturally.

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New Neighbor Nightmare

carrying-moving-boxes-up-stairsI spent the day moving and was terrified at what I found in my complex.

Before moving in, my new building manager kept telling me about my neighbors Pam and David. He told me how nice they were. How sweet they were. How they’d be more than willing to watch my cat or feed my sugar glider.

What he did not tell me what that Pam and David…were black.

I discovered this nick on the property value as I was already hours deep into the move. 

Not only are they black, they are older and kind and wise. I’m basically living next door to Morgan Freeman.

MorganFreeman

This not only takes the black to white ratio of my location up too high, it also tempts me, daily. The niceness is attractive and I would love to get their experienced thoughts on investment opportunities, the state of the education system or whether or not this guy is worth the effort. 

They also make what smells like a perfectly prepared sweet potato casserole with fantastically seasoned pork chops. 

Why must they taunt me? Oh, I see. They think I can’t stand up to their sweet faces and their delicious food. But watch me. I will proudly live next door to them and never once darken their doorstep. 

Unless they pull out the banana pudding, too. Everyone has an Achille’s Heel.

WPTTR! – White People To the Rescue

Listen up, kids. Did you think for one minute that maybe you didn’t really need to keep up the fight? Worried that your inner bleaching efforts were all in vain? That maybe, just maybe we didn’t need to lighten up a little?

They're Watching...out for us! :)

They’re watching…out for us! 🙂

Well, thanks again to Hollywood for reminding us that is not the case at all.

In the new movie, The Blind Side, Sandra Bullock saves a poor kid of color in that special way that only rich white

people can. Further kudos to pearly-skinned writer/director John Lee Hancock for telling the story of a black person in the very special way that only a rich white person can. Further rounds of applause for Warner Bros for leaving folks of color out of the major above the line positions on the script. That would only bring an uncomfortable verisimilitude to the whole process.

So keep your chins up and any natural inclinations at bay. We’re Marching on to Zion and with the right help, we’ll get there one day.

Oreo Awards

In the ongoing effort to encourage and support Oreo efforts everywhere, The Oreo Experience will occasionally point out the good work of the assimilating. 

Today’s tip of the hat goes to Darryl Bell. 

DarrylBell1You may remember Darryl from 80s and 90s hit A Different World

Darryl is now a cast member on Fox Reality Channels Househusbands of Hollywood

In a recent episode, Darryl said, at a table of the privileged class, “I never claimed to have any basketball ability.” 

Congratulations, Darryl. A line like this, coupled with his exclusive lifestyle helps make up for his stint on a black sitcom, the vestiges of a light ethnic accent, being coupled to a lovely lady of color, Tempest Bledsoe and the fact that he is named Darryl.

Keep up the good work, kid. We’ll be rooting for you.

Rush Calls Obama an Oreo – So Wrong

So Rush Limbaugh took a few seconds to call Barack Obama an Oreo. (wait for it, the rant about food and health does lead to the name calling).

There is very little that he could have said here that would be more inappropriate.

As discussed in the FAQ and a previous entry, Barack Obama is not an Oreo. President Obama has the good fortune to be mixed race…and half white.

I get a fair number of people asking why mixed race people are not considered Oreos. While they may be called Oreos by society, especially if their melanin levels favor the darker parent, mixed race kids have a distinct advantage. They are 23 chromosomes closer to the goal. 

While true, and single-raced Oreos have to fight and mentally struggle to summon up the whiteness, mixed race people already have the whiteness in them. And while we welcome their associative membership in the clan, they may not get full Oreo voting privileges. Though the matter is still up for discussion.

In the meantime, they will have to be content being that much closer to that which we all want to be. 

We should all be so lucky.

You Know You’re on the Right Path When…

CB025525Let’s hear it for the small victories that let you know you’re on the right path! It’s these kinds of moments that keep my smiling and marching toward my goals.

I was prepping some material for a client and we needed a voice over recording. To streamline the process, I jumped in the recording booth and recorded a track for them. They loved the read, they laughed in all the right places and said they were perfectly happy with the way it sounded.

And then they backtracked. In the best possible way.

“Wait,” the client said. “The characters on the screen will be white. Is this okay?”

“Yes, it’s fine. I said. As long as the voice sounds how you want it to, you can cast whoever you want.” But she was worried that because I was recording one of the character’s internal monologues that the voice and the body should match.

I asked if they liked the way it sounded.  She said it sounded perfect. That my voice totally matched the images. 

“But, you’re…black…right?”

Success!

She was looking right at me. And I’m not sure if it was the pleated suit skirt, the efficiency with which I handled their session or the voice matching I had just done. But she wasn’t exactly sure what I was.

And had I been thinking quickly enough, I would have lied and said that I wasn’t black. But the true win only comes when they don’t have to ask, they just assume you’ve got one hell of a tan.

She played the recording for a few more execs, and everyone loved the read.

Then she would bring the execs in to meet me, confusion would set in and they would leave the room to deliberate.

They ultimately decided to go with a different reader. But said they had a new campaign they wanted to use me for. They showed me the schematics for it. The main character was incredibly afro-centric: short afro, daishiki, poor credit score and all. 

“We’re going to go with someone else, but you’d be perfect for this!” The client said. And my heart sank just a little.

One step forward…you know the rest.

But she can’t deny my those few precious moments; and to those moments I will always cling.

Oreo Outrage Over Ointment

A friend sent me this video this weekend and I was horrified. The ad is for skin whitener and it features a fair skinned man telling his friend that in order to get the girl/job/general symbol of success, he needs to lighten his skin.

What an upsetting piece of advertising!

The whitening should come from within.

Bleaching your skin is just cheating. It’s a final step only if and when one achieves true Oreodom through actions, thought repression and penance. When the rest of the world accepts you fully as one of their own despite your overabundance of melanin, then and only then can you complete your transformation. Until then, the efforts of your blood sweat and tears you cry to yourself with when no one else is looking will shine through and make you seem white without the crutch of a cream.