Oreo Advice

Deep Tan or Just Too Dark: How to Tell if Your Conversation Partner is Safe

As we know, per the Oreo code, it is imperative to limit conversations with other of colors. If you’re having a private chat, you risk talking about pertinent issues of race and sounding/feeling like a regular black person; and if you’re in public, you risk everyone assuming you’re talking about pertinent issues of race and thinking you’re an RBP.

But sometimes, black people have blonde hair and white people have tans.

...or terrible stylists

So, at times it can sometimes be hard to tell if that swarthy skier is of color or just southern European.

PS. if they use the word “swarthy” in casual convo, you’re probably safe.

This weekend, I ran into exactly this problem!

Things started off well. I went to mass. At an episcopal church. In Beverly Hills. My chances of running into an RBP were slim to none.

Did any of colors make it on to this show?

But then at the parish-sponsored mimosa brunch a struck up a conversation with a guy who was…probably white. But per his skin tone, could definitely be cast to play any number of innocuous ethnic characters on say Lost or Fringe. If you had told me he was Middle Eastern, Indian or Mexican, I would have believed you.

I had to know if I was in danger. So I employed these tricks to suss out the situation.

1. Verify name. Now that we mostly facebook instead of having conversations with people, asking someone for their full name is par for the course. If the accompanying last name ends in “–artinez” or “–mbutu” better cut that convo short and look for the nearest van Beveren or Lundegaard in the room.

2. Mention your travels and see if they react accordingly. Make sure you clarify the Oreoness of said travels. For example. NEVER say “I was in Africa this summer.” Yikes! What, were you checking out the homeland?? No, it’s “I was researching 5-star accommodations in Zimbabwe for a piece I’m writing for Travel + Leisure…” or “I was scouting for Arabian horses in South America…” If they react with familiarity to the locale, abort!

3. Ask someone else. Excuse yourself to the bathroom and on your way there or back, ask someone else in the room if they know where so-and-so is from. They’ll know. Why not just ask the person yourself, you ask? Well, that’s just impolite.

*Caution! You could be talking with a well-studied Oreo, Coconut or Phillipino Twinkie. So they may have all the right answers and still be technically of color. In that case, refer to these rules for how to conduct a convo with one of your own kind.

And if they turn out to be white, but are still a little hiphoppier than you are, check out these tips.

4 Ways to Grow Your Blanchetourage

The kids get it, too!

Requiste for every Oreo is the appropriate blanchetourage. This friendly group of white people who accompany the Oreo will provide just the right number of naive questions, quiche recipes and invitations to country clubs to keep the Oreo away from other of colors and caught up on the self loathing.

But in this crazy world, making friends can be hard. So how does one grow one’s blanchetourage? Well, it goes a little something like this:

1. Look the part. Make sure that you have shed as many trappings of your ethnicity as possible. This means straightened hair, short, natural fingernails and a booty-minimizing Spanx. If you hang on to an ethnic look, potential blanchetourage members may not know that you’re not an RBP and thus safe to approach.

No.

2. Pick Up a Little From Pick Up Artists. As any guy two beers into his sex quest for the night knows, first impressions are key. You have about two seconds to make your mark think you’re worth talking to. The same goes for your blanchetourage. Just like the wrong pick up line can send a girl running into the arms of the not-so-nice-but-way-more-suave-a-hole on the other side of the bar, saying the wrong thing to a non-color at first blush can stop your blanchetourage quest in its tracks. Here are some lines you may want to use when staring a convo.

  • “Didn’t I meet you at that Neil LaBute tribute showcase last week?”
  • “I’m sorry, I think that’s my dram of Ardberg.”
  • “Gorgeous corset! I would kill for boning like that.”
  • “Pardon my limp. I broke in a new dressage pony this weekend.”
  • “Damn this sunburn!”

3. Arrange a follow-up meeting at the appropriate place. Once you’ve made your connection, you have to solidify it. Do this by setting up a meetup at an Oreo-approved location like your stable, the beach club, the performance bicycle center, a free-diving convention or Bath, England.

4. Show them the goods. Welcome them to the fold with an introduction to the rest of your blanchetourage. Since you can’t rid yourself of every ethnic trait (I’m looking at you, skin color!) they may still always wonder just a little when your hidden RBP (that’s “Regular Black Person” for you newbies!) is going to break loose. By surrounded them with more of them, you’ll help them feel right at home.

What do you think? Cuz seriously, making new friends can be hard. How do you do it? Do you tend to have a big entourage (blanche or otherwise) or just a few close besties. Let us know in the comments!

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Dog Tags

That bone- or heart-shaped piece of metal hanging from your pet’s collar says a lot about you.  Watch this instructional video to make sure that your pet’s name doesn’t besmirch your good Oreo name!

Always Use Protection – 5 Ways to Avoid Kwanzaa

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

The next five days are dangerous ones for Oreos. Today is the second day of Kwanzaa and the “holiday” doesn’t end until Jan. 1.

Kwanzaa, or “a celebration of family, community and culture” (according to its website), began long ago was invented in 1966 by Dr. Maulana Karenga (who lives in Chatsworth, CA, btw). The day is meant to celebrate (according to the website) the “best of being African and human). And to be fair, Ngoza Saba–or seven principles of Kwanzaa are actually not that bad. Who couldn’t use a little unity, self-determination, collective work and responsibility, collective economics, purpose, creativity and faith?

But look at it. It’s obviously suuuuuuper black and makes people as uncomfortable as they are when they realize that Christmas carols are really on the nose and don’t mince words about that whole Jesus Christ business.

So a good Oreo must take care to avoid any semblance of having any ties to the holiday. Here are some ways to make sure your end of year is Oreo-tastic and Kwanzaa free!

1. Always have at least a small blanchetourage in tow. This goes without saying as Oreos are always in the company of their white friends. But during Kwanzaa, it is doubly important to be flanked by some non-colors so that no one accidentally offers you a slice of benne cake or dollop of okra.

2. Avoid wearing red, green and black and/or any combination thereof. These three colors are the ones used in the kinara — the Kwanzaa menorah. Decorating your space or person with these colors is just asking for trouble. As is wearing clothes with complicated patterns that might be mistaken for African clothing. Instead, try some nice pastels or the colors from your yacht club’s crest or your family’s tartan.

3. Replace tapered candles with tea candles. The kinara is traditionally filled with long, tapered candles. Regardless of color, take the ones from your centerpieces out and replace them with smaller, less suspicious candles.

4. Keep real menorahs on display. This may seem contrary to the advice above, but it will give you a great opportunity to see if your other Oreo efforts are working. If they are working, guests will immediately recognize the candles correctly. If not, they may ask you if you are celebrating Kwanzaa. While this will sting, it will also remind you to keep that black in check.

5. Should the worst happen, confront it with a smile. If someone does stop you on the street and wish you a good Kwanzaa, do not lash out at them or cry. That will be confusing. Instead, say something like, “Oh, is it Kwanzaa, I just got back from wintering in Banff and I had no idea.” They’ll get the point.

Finally, should someone give you a Kwanzaa gift, do keep it. It’s rude to refuse. You can always return it for a nice table wine or Criterion Collection version of Gone With The Wind.

For more ways to get out of tricky situations, check out this post on eating chicken, this one on saying the n-word, or this one on how to save face when you’re face to face with another Oreo.

What are some holiday traditions–either celebrated en masse or by your own family that you love/can’t stand? Let us know in the comments!

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A Sexy Little Post – 5 Ways Cosmo Is Trying To Kill Your Lover

Cosmopolitan Magazine: Turning bedrooms into torture chambers since 1886.

I was getting my hair set for a traditional costumed caroling event and looked to the stack of magazines next to me to help pass the time. I obviously passed over Essence, was shocked that Jet is still being made and picked up a Cosmopolitian.

Holy crap, that magazine sure hates men.

Disguised as “sex tips” are things that I’m pretty sure would make most men’s junk crawl back up inside of them and cry for mommy. Suddenly, the million and one bobbie pins I had holding up my Dickensian coiff didn’t feel so bad when I read these:

1. Choke his penis out with a shoelace. The tip read something like “bring a shoelace to bed and when you’re down there, loop it around his member, pull it tight, then  then drag it up and down.” First of all, I don’t want to unravel an old dirty lace from a shoe before jumping into bed. Second, cinching fleshy things in the middle should be reserved for tubular gifts tied with ribbon and actual sausages, not men’s sausages.

2. Forget regular birth control, melt his b*lls off to prevent becoming preggers. This tip involved bringing a steaming washcloth to bed and wrapping it around his boys. Now I’ve used a hot rag to soothe sore  muslces, but there’s thick skin over those muscles. Second degree burns — not sexy.

3. Show him what a bikini wax is like…sans wax. This tip was apparently written for all the ladies who thought “hmmm, I sure would like it if my guy were more manicured, and I’d like to figure out a way to get out some aggression at the same time.” The plan, according to the Cosmo writer, goes something like this: wait until just before he finishes, the grab a handful of his down-there hair and pull….hard. Because we all know how good it feels when hundreds of hairs are pulled out of the little sockets all at once. Hawt!

4. T*ttie Twister. You know when you’re really into something, like a really good book…and you’re almost finished…and the climax is coming…and you’re about to turn the last page…and be really really satisfied with the way the story wrapped up…and HOLYCRAPSOMETHINGJUSTSTABBEDMEINTHECHEST. In case your guy doesn’t like pleasureable experiences to continue, Cosmo suggests biting him really hard on the nipples just before he…finishes his book. Because nothing ends a good story like drawing blood.

5. Give him the flu. There were a whole spate of tips designed to have your guy’s body temp go from hot to cold to hot to cold in pretty rapid sucession. They’d start with something like “get tightly wrapped up under the covers, then rip the blankets off and drag ice cubes down his body, then use your breath to heat him back up before turning on a fan and letting it cool off the condesation.” Nevermind the fact that in order to make this work, you have to have some serious prop-mastering skills, but what happened to you know…just doing it?

Though, I will say that the corset I was wearing for my caroling event was pretty hot. And I wouldn’t mind figuring out a way to make that work…suggestions welcome.

What’s the best advice (sex or otherwise) you’ve gotten? Worst? Let us know in the comments!

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CNN is the New Black

Sometimes, it’s hard to know exactly what to do and not to do to be an Oreo. But just when you’re wondering:

Want to know what black is? This lady will tell you. She knows. She does research

“Hmmm, does this credit card charge, Episcopalian service or my position on gender roles make me more or less black?”

Along comes CNN for telling us exactly what it is to be “Black in America”….so that we can avoid it completely!

I have only seen snippets of this “documentary series” and was excited to read Elon James White’s recap of it. (I know, I know, I’m reading a black blog. But his last name is “White” so that must help, right?) The link above takes you to his article. And here’s an excerpt:

I jokingly tweeted “Watching BIA 3 again because apparently I hate my eyes” but as one particular great white hope said “A lot truth is said in jest.” Having now watched Black in America twice I’ll try to paint a picture of last nights installment in the “This is how the Negroes work” series.

Thanks to CNN, I’ve been able to add to my list of things to avoid. Things that black people apparently do that are very very different than non-colors and things I will begin to shun in order to not lose the Oreo points I have painstakingly amassed.

Some are obvious, like the don’t rap or don’t have a drug dealer as a relative rule. But others are sneakier. Now it’s goodbye to using credit cards, dealing with college debt, contemplating spirituality. Because according to “Black in America” those are things unique to the of color experience.

And major Coconut points go to Soledad O’Brien, the Cuban/Australian journalist helming this series. One way to make yourself feel better about your own brownish heritage is to make others feel a little worse about theirs.

Hmm, I wonder if she’d take my pitch for “Oreo in America.”

For more ways to make sure that the person you’re talking to is an actual Oreo click here.

And for more ways to keep up with The Oreo Experience, click here.

 

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Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Sexy Oreo Costumes!

 

Always be looking out for how to look the part.

 

With just two weeks until ladies show us your tits under the guise of creativity day Halloween, I am reminded that Oreos don’t just dress up on that fun day. Oreos wear costumes every day. Just like that girl in your condo finds just the perfect piece of lingerie to represent Alice in Wonderland, Finding Nemo or a medical professional, Oreos work painstakingly to make sure that their clothes communicate who they are on the inside, too.

Here are three styles of dress befitting an Oreo lifestyle.

  • Basic, classic prep. Thanks to characters like Urkel and Carlton, we get that when a person of color wears plaid, pleats or padded seersucker, they are way more white than not. Nothing says “I definitely didn’t buy I am Not a Human Being” like saddle shoes.
  • Hipster. Hipsters get a lot of flack for looking like bizzarely arrogant homeless people, but they do read Amy Sedaris, love Sarah Silverman and tout individuality by dressing just like all the other hipsters. This makes them easy to identify and to assimilate into. So get your Oreo pal an Urban Outers gift certificate and get your hobo bag on! Show up at your fave large independent coffee shop with your skinny jeans and ironically thick glasses and no one will dare ask you if you saw the Raiders play that weekend.
  • Steampunk. My favorite of this list! Steampunk embraces non-RBP subjects like science and Britain and combines them with neat metal-based fashions. A few pairs of fettish-looking goggles, tiny top hat, a black tutu and and your signed copy of The Anubis Gate and you’re all set!

What other fashions do you think are good for Oreos? Any fashion trends you’ve tried to get on board with and either had massive success or a major fail? Let us know!

 

Though I was joking about sexy Nemo, didn't you?

 

5 Ways to Eat Chicken

We all know that RBP love cripsy chicken products at a significantly higher rate than non colors. So it’s imperative that Oreos stay away from said food. Sometimes, however, eating chicken will be nearly unavoidable. Here are four ways that an Oreo can make eating chicken palatable.

  • On someone else’s dime, quarter or gold Sacagawea head dollar. If the president of your boating society or captain of your rowing team or Young Republicans secretary is buying, go ahead and eat. But do so daintily. Avoid picking it up with your fingers, instead, use a knife and fork (cutting of course with your dominant hand and not switching the utensils when the slice has been severed) and remove any skin. This will clue your company in to the fact that while you can enjoy the meat, you eat it with only reasonable amount of happiness. And also, it will take so dang long for you to finish, they’ll never serve it again.
  • With an alibi. When eating out with your tennis partner or bank manager, do be sure to start the meal by preemptively asking for alternatives. A well-timed “Ohh, I hear they have great Quiche here,” can do wonders! If chicken is the only option, you can eat it, secure in the knowledge that you did your part to avoid.
  • Cordon-bleu. This is an acceptable way to eat chicken, provided you practice the pronunciation. It’s not “Cord-On-Bloo,” it’s more of a “Khor-duhn-bluh.” Say it right and a) no one will be totally sure what you’re saying and b) will be too blown away by your accent to notice the chicken part.
  • At Chick Fil A. It’s fried chicken, for sure, but the company is owned by Mormons who have a…storied relationship with black people that involves of colors having historically been prevented from holding positions in the church because their dark skin proved they fought on the side of Cain in the great battle between God and the devil. That rules changed in the late 1970s, when the church caught up to the country and discovered that blatant racism was slightly out of vogue. They also encourage self-loathing in the gays–basically they do a lot to keep the mainstream mainstream and no matter how much we like RENT and The Green Party, the mainstream is the stream we’re all trying to swim in.
  • In secret. With the ability to avoid any slips of the tongue, forgotten protocol or pictures that end up on facebook, this is really the best option.

For more chicken confessions, check out this diary entry, what happened when I went to screening of my web series, and how I broke all the above rules on my birthday last week.

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An Oreo Guide to Sports

This itch in my piccolo finger can only mean one thing…get me my marching band uniform because it’s football season!

Sorry Jacob. Yeah, you've got the abs. But you've also got a tan.

Which reminded that it’s very important for Oreos to deal with sports correctly. Root for the right team and you’ll be catapulted into the upper echelons of Oreodom. Wear the wrong jersey and folks will soon be offering you wings at half time.

Here is a list of some teams that an Oreo can cheer for with a clear conscious. Turn up in any of these team’s outfit at your boating society’s next fall gala or art museum fundraiser and you’ll definitely score!

  • The Washington Redskins. Few things sting so good as waving around an archaic caricature while gleefully shouting out a racial epithet.
  • The Montreal Canadiens. First, they’re a hockey team. Second, they give you the chance to show off your boarding-school perfected French.
  • The Red Knight or The Blue Knight at any Medieval Times restaurant. Either knight is fine, as long as you’re there enjoying the leg of meat and mug of mead!
  • U.S. Equestrian Team. Tall boots, dressage salutes and mint juleps, oh my!
  • Team Edward. Ahh, the sparklevamp is  broody. He’s determined. But most of all…he’s very pale.

But if you really want to impress, get a shirt featuring

  • The New Zealand All Whites. Enough. Said.

 

Kiwis footballers! And the perfect team name for an Oreo to root for!

 

 

How do sports figure into your life? Any fave teams? Spectacular rivalries? Wonderfully horrible injuries? Let us know in the comments!

What about sports names that come from actual groups of people? Is “Fighting Irish” the same as “Redskins”? How about the fact that USC Trojans used to be the Fighting Protestants? Cuz if there’s anyone who knows how to throw down…it’s the moderately religious!

Oreo Advice – Navigating the N Word

No, please, say whatever you want!

As Dr. Laura reminded us this week, it’s Constitutionally important for non-colors to be able to say the n-word whenever they want. As an Oreo, you will be in a unique position to make those that feel marginally guilty about this to feel better and for those who don’t feel guilty to keep on feeling fine.

You see, non-colors generally won’t say the n-word in front of RBP (aka “LaT’Shawndreeans) because those folks are scary and will probably cut a bitch.

But Oreos, known for our tolerance discovered through assimilation will simply smile and nod.

You may, however, feel the need to point out some fairly obvious logic flaws in the arguments for using the n-word with abanadon, but control yourself. Otherwise, you run the risk of some suuuuper awkward moments. You know, more awkward than someone saying the n-word, say 11 times in what started as a polite conversation.

Below are some rules to follow to keep the conversation moving following the five stages of the n-word conversation.

1. ANGER: The conversation will usually start out with something heated like, “I don’t understand. Rappers and comedians say nigger all the time, why can’t I?”

DON’T point out the obvious by saying any of the following.

  • “That’s fine, but I’m not one of those rappers or comedians.”
  • “Sure, but who’s ultimately making most of the programming and/or distribution choices…who’s at the top of the TV networks and record companies…not other black people.”
  • “Rap and hip hop and cable is mostly consumed by white people, so they’re the ones being marketed to by the use of said word.”

2. DENIAL. What will usually follow is the personal approach that downplays potential emotional harm with something like, “There’s this guy at my office, Dwayne, he says it all the time, it can’t be a big deal.”

DON’T SAY:

  • “Okay, but I’m not Dwayne.”

3. BARGAINING: Then comes an attempt to compare a word developed to subjugate an entire race of people for generations to a high school prank and your conversation partner will say something like “..I mean, in high school, they called me Sticky Stick Stick, that hurt my feelings, but I got over it.”

DON’T say something like:

  • “Dude, why do you want to say this word so badly?”

4. DEPRESSION: That’s when they realize their civil liberties are being trampled and they’ll say something like “Hey, we have free speech here. I can say whatever I want.”

DON’T point out that even though “congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free speech thereof. Or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances” that that doesn’t mean that people are protected from someone disagreeing with them.

5. ACCEPTANCE: Then finally, they’ll acquiesce because the opera or lacrosse game is about to start and they’ll say something like, “I mean, I don’t get it, but I guess I just won’t say it. I mean, it’s just a word, it’s not like words can actually hurt you.”

DON’T then call them an fucking idiot cunt and then when they get offended tell them that it’s just words. Because that would just be rude.

What do you think? Whether you’re an Oreo or not, do you think we should toss the n-word back into an accepted lexicon like we did with “bitch”? Why do you think other ethnic groups do not seem to be having this conversation as loudly…we don’t see tons of Jewish comics debating the merits of the k-word.

And if you do wanna use it more often, just substitute it for “black guy” in any of these jokes, invite an Oreo to your next tapas tasting and have a ball!