Month: September 2013

So Stereotypical

People often ask me why I try so hard to escape my ethnicity. It’s an odd question to be because there are plenty of obvious reasons. I mean, come on! Think about it. It’s pretty clear. I mean, who would want to be… Why would anyone let themselves look like… I can’t believe people would be content… Really? With the choices out there, someone would actually… Who wants to be in the same group as… Seriously? People are okay with that… Anyhoo

I digress.

It’s not just that I want a better deal on my home or auto loan, a lessened chance of getting diabetes, and the ability to get my hair done without it feeling like I’m being punished. The truth is, one of the biggest reasons I work so hard at surprising people with just how Oreo I am is that in many other ways, I am beyond stereotypical.

As a Los Angeleno, I will drive to something even if it’s only 3 blocks away.
As someone who was raised Baptist, I’m always terrified I’m pregnant.
As someone who drifted over to Episcopalianism, I kvetch way too much about whatever I give up for Lent.
As an American, I’m pretty sure I can’t differentiate between Yemen and Bahrain on a map.
As a Southern Californian, I’m freezing if it’s below 70-degrees.
As a left leaner, I don’t get what’s so great about owning assault weapons or what’s so terrible about letting poor kids eat food.
As someone who looked like this in high school, I found refuge in the theater.
As a theater kid, I sing showtunes all the bloody time.
As a writer, I’m perfectly content not speaking to anyone for a week or so straight.
As a member of the tail end of Gen X, I fiercely fight for my right not to be lumped in with Gen Y. Nothing personal, most of my friends, but I was born in the 70s and that fact is important to me.
As a woman, I always wish I were thinner and I freaking love yogurt. Seriously. I will Yogurt all the live long day.

The spoils of my war

As a Texan, I can run a train on some brisket, I often say “y’all” and yes, I will clap my hands if someone sings “the stars at night…”
As an only child, I really don’t understand team sports. I just don’t see why you need so many people at once. I can run with the ball or you can run with the ball, but we don’t all need to be here.

So, so predictable. Being an Oreo is the thing keeps me interesting.

What makes you interesting. Or boring? Let us know in the comments

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Dos and Don’ts for Attending Yoga and Other Racially Themed Events

One of the best ways to have fun as a group is to play pretend and act like you’re a totally different group. Kids do this at parties all the time. They play Castle ™ or Princess ™ or if you’re me, you played Let’s Write Checks At the Grocery Store ™.

But adults do things differently. Gone are the days when you could just get your gal pals together and have a Fairy Tea Party ™. Adults have to up the stakes. And the Power of Your Om Yoga Studio in Santa Barbara, CA showed us exactly what those stakes should be.

Last week, the yoga studio hosted a Ghetto Fabulous Yoga Night. Per the invitation.

“Each month we will be featuring a new funky class…this month let’s get ghetto fabulous! You sport the white tank, roll up one leg of your tight black pants, and we’ll make sure to have a rockin’ playlist bring the bling”

Invitees were directed to:

“Come dressed in your favorite ghetto fabulous outfit, snap-back caps, corn rows, heavy lip liner or whatever you can dream up.”

Then afterward, everyone posted pictures proving that a good time was had by all.

Throwing gang signs–the authentic way to end Savasana
(source)

We all know that the first rule of throwing a blackface party is to NOT TELL ANYONE YOU’RE THROWING A BLACKFACE PARTY. But people not only insist on throwing these things, they’re very excited to tell everyone that they’re happening.

Which means that it’s not unlikely that you might accidentally wander into such an event. You might be tempted to walk back out, but with the following Do and Don’t list, you can attend your racially dubious event with ease.

DO keep an open mind. People who embarrass you are people, too. We should accept them.
DON’T take it personally. They’re not making fun of you, just people you’re potentially related to. Stop being all uppity about it
DO allow people to ask you to validate their choices. Chances are someone will say something like “did I do these cornrows right?” or “Where can I get a better grill” or “Do you have a do-rag I can borrow?” Just smile, nod and let them touch your hair. They’re having a good time.
DON’T be a jerk and ruin all the fun.
DO hang out after class. They’re going out for drinks, why not join them? That way you can giggle over how much fun it all was, make plans for the next big event and cocktail away your pain.
DON’T miss even more fun upcoming classes! In the next few weeks, be sure to catch:

Run for the Border Restorative

Next week we’re gonna fiesta as we get fit! Come to class dressed in your favorite poncho, sombrero, or day laborer outfit and get ready to stretch out those sexy salsa hips! We’ll swap out our yoga bricks for old lawnmowers for added authenticity. Don’t worry about those armed guards at the door, we just want it to feel like you’re really there! Ole! Ayiyiyiyiyiyi! Casa! Perro!

Burka’d Bikram

In October, we’re turning our Sun Salutations East! The Middle East that is! Ohmygod, you guys, we’re hilarious!! You thought our hot room was toasty before. Well, wait for this! You’ll be shocked at how much you sweat in our full length burkas! Remember girls, though we can only see your eyes, we’ll still be able to tell if you’re cheating. And we all know what happens when you cheat. We are not afraid to stone a bitch!

OG Kundalini

In December, just in time for Christmas, we’re going OG – that’s Original Ghetto to you! You sport the tattered pants, the torn shirt, shoeless feet and those super cute side curls! We’ll bring yellow arm bands for everyone and supply a rockin’ klezmer-polka mashup!

Can’t wait to see everyone there!

For more awesomely awkward shindigs, check out:

Lighten Up! Getting Rid of those Tanlines

The end of the summer presents Oreos with one of our most frustrating challenges. Three months of backyard BBQs, Renaissance Faires, regattas, derbies, and weekends in the Thousand Islands can leave already darker than ideal skin with an unfortunate tan.

The sun: An Oreo’s best frenemy
(source)

This reminds us that an Oreo’s relationship with the sun is complicated. On one hand, it’s the enemy. A light tan can make you go from kinda looking like a black person to totally looking like a Black Person before you even realize it.

On the other hand, however, the sun can get you instant acceptance into Club Anglo (21+). Stay outdoors long enough and you can dazzle your friends when they ask you: “Wow! I didn’t think you could sunburn!” Sure, there’s the searing pain, the blisters and the increased risk of melanoma; but if it doesn’t hurt, how do you know it’s working?

But even if you break through to a socializing burn, it’s going to go right back to a tan–that Judas of skin conditions which prevents you from even thinking you can pass your annual paper bag test with just the slightest kiss.

There is hope, though, fellow Oreos! You can reclaim your slightly less brown skin tone and start to slip less noticeably into your favorite Barneys, Hermes, or hoodie. Just follow the 3 B’s of Beauty ™ for lighter skin and a brighter end of summer.

1. Buff

The first thing you need to do is to take off that darker damaged layer of skin with something mildly abrasive. There are many tools and applications you can choose from. Grab yourself an exfoliating body wash, a loofah, Brillo pad, or pack 24-grit sanding sheets and give yourself a rubdown.

2. Balm

Next, you’ll want to calm down your skin with something cool and liquid. This is also a time to sneak in some extra abrasion in case you missed any rogue patches during Step 1. Once again, many things can work. In no particular order (except for their effectiveness) try: Aloe, lemon juice, rubbing alcohol, peroxide, or some clorox to cool off and clear your skin.

3. Bandage

Some people have reported blisters or bleeding while their sparkly new skin is coming through. This is perfectly normal. No pain, no gain, right? Besides, you’re the one who let your skin get all dark in the first place, so quit your bitching and put yourself together.

If you find that your skin has opened, just apply some cool compresses, gauze, and either plastic or cloth bandages. These wraps have the added bonus of hiding your skin all together, so at a distance you’ll look as white as the shoes you can’t wear anymore this year.

If you find that bleeding doesn’t stop in one business day or you have an erection lasting more than four hours, please consult a physician.

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Any other tricks for removing unsightly tan lines? Let us know in the comments!