Month: April 2012

Diary of a Mad White Black Woman – The Bachelor

Dear Diary,

So there’s all this hoopla in the news lately over a lawsuit brought against The Bachelor. Plaintiffs maintain that the show is all racist and whatnot because there’s never been a black Bachelor or Bachelorette.

Hello??! Of COURSE there hasn’t been!

Look. I’ve seen (commercials for) Flavor of Love. I’ve watched (The Soup make fun of) For the Love of Ray Jay. I can’t imagine that anyone’s watching What Chili Wants. And I watched (so that I could make fun of) the trailer for thrice-divorced dating guru Steve Harvey’s Think Like a Man. So I know what happens when you put RBP all up in a dating scenario.

Okay, fine. But what are the odds of it happening twice??
(source)

It just makes sense that the producers of the show wouldn’t subject the nation to a Bachelor or -ette of color. Once you throw some RBP in the mix, the whole thing will just become a tawdry, backstabby, immature, travesty of a show and mockery of romance.

The Bachelor, after all, is about helping people find true love, not helping them find their baby daddies.

Those producers go through great pains to create an environment where love will flourish as it was naturally meant to… in front of millions of peoples, with unhealthy amounts of alcohol, more than a handful of contrived situations, group dates, overused hot tubs,  night-vision cameras and follow-up interviews…all the things that two complete strangers need to understand if they have the emotional, physical, intellectual and spiritual capabilities that will allow them to commit to marrying each other about 5 weeks after they meet for the very first time.

Congratulations. You're still in the running for the chance to become America's Next Top Hasbeen...or maybe a Kardashian if you play your cards right!
(source)

I can only hope that this suit goes away so that we’re not subjected to some Affirmative Action Bachelor.

And okay, fine. Even after my horrible experience with being included in a bit of reality TV, I kinda just had to try out for the show.

Why not go out for it? I’m a single lady after all. And if they’re only using white guys as the Bachelors, I’ll totally let one of those Anglo Saxon Sexies put a ring on it.

(My apologies for quoting the Beyonce. It won’t happen again. )

What do you think? Does it matter who gets to publicly date a douche? Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Why I’m Bad at Being Brown – Reason #1248

…Because I wasn’t offended by this piece of performance art:

In case it’s not clear what going on there, here’s the sitch. Swedish artist Makode Linde wanted to make a statement about female circumcision. So he made a body out of red velvet cake, situated himself as the head and screamed when people cut into it.

Lots of people were upset at the caricaturish cake lady and called the piece racist.

But honestly, I was too bothered by the concept of eating a screaming cake to be offended. Also a little bummed that I have to think about bloody, tattered labia whenever I cut into some Heaven-sent red velvet.

(And now you will, too!)

Mmmmm, oppression.
(source)

And it did give me another reason to believe that I’m definitely not an RBP  because I couldn’t possibly be descended from people who would go through this. Not because having your twat cut off or sewn up would make it difficult to procreate and thus decrease the likelihood that The Oreo Experience would ever spring forth from your horribly abused loins. Rather because I am way too much of a pussy to be the owner of genes that could endure the rights of passage that brown people the world over seem to be able to handle.

I’ve talked about my shameful love of reality TV on the blog before. Currently, I’ve moved on from Housewives and Models though and am dealing with darker shows… Intervention, Taboo, Chopped.

For those who haven’t seen Taboo, here’s the sitch. It’s a show that looks at other societies doing things that we in the West would typically find objectionable. Things like building your house on top of a grave, drinking piss for fun and hurting yourself in the name of becoming a man or woman. Just look at some of this stuff!!

Here’s a kid willfully sticking his hands into gloves filled with thousands of poisonous, angry ants. He’ll have to do this 18 more times to win at being a man.

Here’s a kid spending a coupla hours get cut all over with razors.

Here’s a dude who’s not Jesus willingly letting himself get crucified.

Fuck!
(source)

And here’s a lady breastfeeding a pig.

Not as painful, but still....no thank you.

I’m such a wimp about pain that I passed out when my friend broke their toe. If anyone ever tried to do any of the above things to me, I would die instantly. Seriously, if I were a tribal dude and someone was like “okay, well, time to cut all your skin off so you can prove you’re a man.” I’d be like “Wait, what? Ohhhh, no, I’m not a boy, this is just a long clit.” Then they’d be like “okay, let’s cut it off then, so you can stay the pure woman you are and let this pig suckle from your bosom.” And then I’d just kill myself.

I know the Romans and Gaels and Saxons did effed up shiz to human bodies, too…but at least they had the good sense not to do it to themselves! Not saying my first choice for a Tuesday night would be to watch a torture party in the Coliseum, but at least I’d be able to keep my privates.

A friend did mention to me recently that the West’s lack of truly challenging rights of passage might be contributing to certain social ills (basically the super indulgent “why me ennui” that so many folks seem to be afflicted with when the only thing wrong with their lives is that they don’t have their dream job at 23). What do you think? Do we need to bring back more intense ways of letting people belong to the tribe? Let us know in the comments!

Oh, and if your answer to the above question is “yes,” do me a favor and give me a running start, m’kay?

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

*Shameless Oreo Plug. 1) SmartyPig is a totally cool $-savings tool! I highly recommend it. b) So I have the opportunity to meet with an actor who I love love love in the UK this summer. Trying to make it a successful working holiday and take some other Brit talent out for a pint with the hope of writing for them one day. Should anyone feel inclined to help an Oreo purchase one of those pints, it would be totes appreciated. You can learn more about my trip, and SmartyPig at this link.

Saying Goodbye…and Hello Again

Remember when we used to write numbers down...and remember them?? I barely know my own number anymore!
(source)

Okay, I promise that the following post was motivated by the arrival of Spring, the effect of doing my taxes and by this post at GOOD.is about clearing out useless cellphone contacts and not at all by the fact that I got dumped this week.

Here’s how everything led to the post below.

Spring – As soon as it’s time to switch out the winter wardrobe for fun dresses and shirts that require an architectural model to figure how to make a bra work with them, I also feel like I should clean out things besides my closet. I toss months of useless paperwork because it’s just taking up space and even though it only pings my brain in tiny, tiny ways, it might be best to not have that distraction at all.

Taxes – Going through old receipts is like creating a horrible timeline of the stupid decisions I made in the past year. Here’s the few hundred I spent flying across the country to see someone I *just* met. Here’s the ridiculous number of drinks I consumed at that work event. Here’s the extra tank of gas I spent trying to find a Downtown LA address because I refuse to just buy a GPS. Seeing them all enumerated and put into my accountant’s spreadsheet makes me think I should also see about adiosing the people who I let drive me to such decisions.

The post at GOOD.is – The writer did exactly what I’ve been thinking of and purged cell phone contacts that were no longer serving their purpose.

Getting dumped – Why would we even bring this up? Sure, I’ll delete that contact, but whatever! I was gonna delete a bunch of others anyway. So…yeah. No big deal. At all. Just coincidental timing.

So here we go!

Folks In My Phone I’m Deleting

I can do this...I can do this...
(source)

  • This whisky bar I sometimes go to. I never call it ever. No idea why I put this number in.
  • This graphic designer I never worked with.
  • This actor I directed in a play and haven’t spoken to since 2008.
  • This guy I used to work with and I’m not even sure if he still lives in LA. Either way, neither of us work at the place where we met and haven’t spoken since 2009.
  • This guy I used to improvise with and haven’t talked to since 2010. I think he has kids now.
  • This girl I used to improvise with and haven’t talked to since 2009 when she stopped dating my friend.
  • A director who let me play Cecily in The Importance of Being Earnest, but who I haven’t talked to since and I can’t even remember the name of the theater.
  • This actress who’s got way too many TV credits for me to justify calling. Also, I’m pretty sure she has no idea who I am.
  • This guy I used to work for in 2008 who invited me to a fancy party in Laguna Beach that was maybe the 2nd most intimidating party I’ve ever been to. We didn’t actually speak at that party and we haven’t spoken since.
  • This girl who’s really good friends with the XH. Nothing against her, but not someone I wanna call on accident. Also she’s a kickass attorney, so I don’t wanna piss her off….though if you need a recommendation…
  • This older guy at a church I used to go to… He got married at like 80 years old, which I thought was awesome. Honestly have no idea if he’s still with us.
  • This guy who runs a bootcamp I used to take until I realized that I don’t do well at bootcamps.
  • Some guy whose name I don’t recognize and doesn’t turn up in my Facebook friends. The name does match that of a famous athlete. But I don’t know any famous athletes.
  • This woman who used to do my hair. Until she turned into a bitch and would make fun of my greys and secretly do things in the sink that she’d charge me for.
  • My friend’s kid who I used to tutor, but is now in college. I don’t need to have an 18-year-old dude’s name in my phone.
  • This older guy who used to hit on me, then issued the worst apology I’ve ever heard. This is how it went:

Him: Hey, I just wanted to apologize if I made you uncomfortable the other night.
Me: Thanks. I appreciate that.
Him: I mean, I know I’m too old for you, but you can’t blame me for trying, right?
Me: (uncomfortable) Hahaha, well….
Him: I mean, I get it and you’re totally right. We wouldn’t work as a couple.
Me: Right
Him: Not that I haven’t thought about how beautiful you are.
Me: What time is the last film starting?
Him: Not sure. I mean, you’re gorgeous. So it’s not like I’ve never imagined what it would be like, you know.
Me: I’m gonna go to the bathroom.
Him: I mean, if I had the chance, I would definitely show you a good time. A really good time…

  • This kid who interned at a place I worked like three years ago.
  • This place I worked like three years ago. The only job I’ve ever quit without another gig to go to.
  • This couple who was friends of the XH and who I never really clicked with anyway.
  • This girl I used to box with. I do have a few Philip K. Dick books of hers that I should return. But she lent them to me back in ’06 and I haven’t seen her since.
  • Someone who appears to be an actor with whom I have a handful of mutual friends, but I don’t recognize.
  • This guy who took me on a date to Denny’s then tried to get me to take him to my apartment.

Sorry Moon Over My Hammy. I'm just not that into you.
(source)

  • This actor who wouldn’t look me in the eye when we worked together.
  • This actor who always smelled like cloves and leather and who was terribly toxic.
  • This gymnast I used to date.
  • This guy who I was in a play with and later he texted me a picture of his penis.
  • This mechanic I loved but who I haven’t been to in years.
  • This guy I knew from that job I quit.
  • Some other guy who has the same name of an athlete and I don’t recognize either.
  • Some girl from some play I was in.
  • This church I don’t go to anymore.
  • Some guy with one of the most generic names imaginable that it does no good to Google.
  • Some guy who sounds like he’s a character in a play about the clash of cultures in 1912 New York tenement housing. No idea who he is.
  • No idea who this girl is, though her name sounds like a character that might show up as one of the Sharks in West Side Story 2
  • Same for this girl
  • The XMIL. I did accidentally call her once and she got pissed.
  • No idea who this woman is.

Holy shit, how am I only on the G’s!!!

  • Some restaurant I like, but certainly never need to call.
  • The XH’s old work number.
  • This girl who invited me to hang with her on New Year’s Eve once and then was a total fucking bitch to me and literally pushed me out of the way any time a guy was talking to me and not to her.
  • The number marked “home” that isn’t anymore.
  • This couple I used to babysit for but haven’t talked to since 2007.
  • Another actor from that play I was in back in the day.
  • This guy who was friend with the XH. He introduced me to Nick Swardson and Nick Swardson kissed my hand that night. I probably owe him my first-born or something, but he can get in touch with me if he wants to cash in that debt.
  • Janelle?? Janet??
  • The guy who trained me at the worst job I’ve ever had.
  • This woman who helped convince me to quit that job back in the day. She was my manager for a while. Then she disappeared. I think she’s in Africa somewhere.
  • The pastor at this church I used to go to. He did my pre-marital counseling.

It's complicated
(source)

  • This guy who after hiring me to write for him, tried to convince me to have an affair.
  • This girl from this stupid play I was in.
  • This woman I used to work for.
  • This guy I didn’t hire to DP one of my shorts.
  • This writer who pretended he was interested in helping me get published in a big time magazine that I would stab myself to get published in. He loved, praised and talked about my work until I turned down his 2 a.m. text to hang out. The next time I saw him, he told me my writing was crap and that I didn’t know what I was doing.
  • This kid I used to tutor.
  • The dude whose emails, texts and calls I haven’t responded to since an ill-fated trip we took together
  • The director of this theater I’ve never performed at.
  • This guy I had a huge crush on when I worked at that job I quit. He barely spoke to me then. Pretty sure he’s got no interest in speaking to me now. Also he likes rap, so that would have been a problem anyway.
  • This guy who took me on the most amazing day of date I’ve ever been on…then didn’t speak to me for like a year. Then he turned up at a reading I was in, looked dreamily into my eyes and told me I was beautiful… Then never spoke to me again. He’s married now.
  • My old boss at the worst job I’ve ever had.
  • Jose??
  • Juan?? Oh crap! Juan from work… Well, I just deleted your # bc I didn’t remember ever getting it from you. If you’re reading…if you could text me, that’d be dope.
  • My old manager’s cell phone #
  • My old boss from that job I quit.
  • This woman I used to work with who now apparently lives in China
  • Keshaun? I’m shocked that someone named Keshaun ended up in my phone in the first place.
  • This restaurant I used to order from when I lived in the Valley.
  • Someone else from that job I quit (nothing against these folks, btw, I just can’t imagine needing to call them)
  • The crazy rich lady I used to work for who told me that “Final Draft writes the script for you!”
  • Some actress
  • My old nutritionist
  • This guy I met outside of a club (when do I ever go to clubs??) who said “Let’s trade numbers. You can never have too many numbers!”
  • Some comedian’s reps
  • An old therapist
  • This guy I dated who after a week and a half of knowing each other, every time we made out, would say “should I get a condom?” Then once he said it before we were even back in his apartment,  he said the same thing. So the next day I said, “hey, just wanted to touch base about the sex thing. I don’t really want to go there unless I’m in a thing that’s a THING, you know. If that doesn’t work for you, that’s totally cool, no hard feelings, just let me know.” He said that was cool. Then immediately started flaking on all our plans. I called it off the next week. Not 24 hours after I did, he texted me and said: “Hey, is it cool if we do a booty call every once in a while?”
  • This other woman who used to do my hair…and show up 2+ hours late to every appointment.
  • A number marked “No.”
  • A number marked “nope”
  • This football player turned sound editor who was friends with the XH.
  • A stalker
  • The program coordinator for a Christian College in Texas
  • Another therapist.
  • A former student – again…don’t need teenagers’ #s in my cellie
  • Another DP I didn’t hire to shoot my short
  • The first woman who did my hair when I moved to LA.
  • Some writer I went on two dates with and who has a big movie coming out next year

I can’t believe this is about to have taken two hours.

  • This woman I used to work with. We gave it a good ol’ college try at being friends, but there were no sparks.
  • My friend’s ex-boyfriend. We were all friends. They broke up. Had to pick a side.
  • A third guy I didn’t hire to DP my short.
  • Some vet I used to go to
  • Some guy I met at a networking event and know nothing about

Folks In My Phone I Likely Should be Deleting But Just Can’t Yet

  • The XFIL, XBIL and XSIL. Just in case something ever happens to the XH and one of them calls to let me know. I want to recognize the number.
  • This agent I used to know. He was the first big-time Hollywood type to give me his phone number. Then he proceeded to break my heart.
  • This kid I was totally into in college. He called me out of the blue in like 2004 and it was just like old times. He told me then that he hated that he didn’t kiss me that one time when we were back in school. I told him I agreed. That was the last we spoke.
  • This guy I dated with whom I had pretty uninteresting sex. He’s hot though.
  • The guy who just dumped me… What? It’s not like his number wasn’t in my phone. I was gonna have to come across it, so yeah, it was gonna come up. But this isn’t about that.
  • This actress who’s currently on a TV show who unfriended me on facebook even though SHE was the one who asked me for my # and found me on fb in the first place.
  • This director I didn’t like working with, but he’s famous now.
  • The British guy I went on one date with. At the end of it he said “I’ll call you… I know it sounds like I’m not going to, but I mean it. I will.” Then we never spoke again. He does know people in London, though, so I might hit him up for a referral for my trip.*

At least, I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over the charming accent...except when he said "uRInal" instead of "URinal." I'll give you "lift" and "loll" and even "c*nt," but "uRInal" is just gross.
(source)

  • An executive who I’d love to work for again, but who stopped working with me after confessing that he thought about going on a date with me.
  • The girl I’m pretty sure the XH was in love with. And if he was, I truly hope they work it out.

Folks In My Phone I’m Gonna Stop Being a Pussy About and Just Call Already Send a Non-Invasive Facebook Message To

  • This awesome woman I made friends with right before she and her perfect husband took their perfect relationship and their perfect baby to a perfect new job in a different state weeks before me and the X-H split up. Never had the guts to talk to her since my split since she clearly had everything worked out so well and I had only managed to work out making a pretty colossal mistake.
  • The folks who run a preservation society dedicated to protecting what I think is one of the coolest pieces of Los Angeles architecture, The Dunbar Hotel. I want to write a film about this place. Not sure why I won’t start on it.
  • This guy I went on two dates with and he was truly a nice guy, but I just wasn’t feeling it. But if anyone’s looking for a recommendation…
  • The guy I was in love with all of high school. He had a rough few years. Not sure how he’s doing now.

Whose numbers are you hanging on to? Whycome? Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

*Shameless Oreo Plug. 1) SmartyPig is a totally cool $-savings tool! I highly recommend it. b) So I have the opportunity to meet with an actor who I love love love in the UK this summer. Trying to make it a successful working holiday and take some other Brit talent out for a pint with the hope of writing for them one day. Should anyone feel inclined to help an Oreo purchase one of those pints, it would be totes appreciated. You can learn more about my trip, and SmartyPig at this link.

How to Write About Current Events

Remember these?
(source)

So it’s been almost two weeks since my last post. This is due in part to the fact that a pile of freelance (yay!) has fallen into my lap and is happily nibbling away at my writing time.

It’s also due in part to the fact that this has been the conversation between myself and my inner writer self over the last coupla weeks:

TheOreoExperience: Wow! This Kony video is nuts! It’s got White People to the Rescue written all over it! It would totally make a good Trailer Trashing post.

InnerWriterSelf: You’re right. Way to be on top of things. I can’t wait to see what we come up with!

TOE: Just let me finish this work. I’m sure I’ll get that post out by the end of the week

IWS: You’re amazing. I’m so glad we’re working together.

A FEW DAYS LATER

TOE: Holy crap, that dude just had a nervous breakdown!

IWS: Wellllll…. true. But you make fun of people all the time. And the Kony 2012 video is still weird.

TOE: Yeah, but dude is messed up. Even if I did have a post up, I’d probably want to take it down. Poor thing.

IWS: Actually…yeah…

TOE: I mean, child soldiers are pretty much 100% a bad thing…even if the guy bringing them to our attention is oddly narcissistic…he meant well.

IWS: Don’t worry, we’ll find something else to write about!

TOE: Is it weird that I talk to myself this way?

IWS: Of course not!

TOE: Woah! I can’t believe that woman said that to me after class. Ugh! I just want to come in here, Zumba a bit and leave without someone saying something like “So jealous of you sisters! You’ve got such great hips!”

IWS: Doesn’t she know how long it took us to be okay with those hips?!?

Whether they're on the mantle or your body, you come to appreciate hourglasses much more after high school.
(source)

TOE: Ugh. She has no idea. I’m exhausted tonight, though, and have like 3 scripts to get through. I’ll bang that post out in a few days.

IWS: Haha. You said “bang.”

TOE: Haha! Oh, get this…I totally made my coworker blush. He asked me if I had any food at my desk…

IWS: And you said “no, but I do have something you can eat!”

TOE: You know me so well!

A FEW DAYS LATER

IWS: Did you see this Trayvon Martin story?!?!

TOE: I can’t even think about it!!

IWS: C’mon, you HAVE to write about this. I mean, this is like your whole thing.

TOE: I can’t even read a story about it without bursting into tears. And I’m pretty sure there’s nothing funny about it.

IWS: The Daily Show managed to make it funny.

And sexy!
(source)

TOE: The Daily Show also has a staff of like two-dozen writers who out-earn me by a factor of probably 20!

IWS: Are we fighting right now?

TOE: No, it’s fine. Everything’s fine.

IWS: I don’t believe you. You seem upset.

TOE: I just feel like sometimes you aren’t hearing what I’m saying. I DO want to write about this story, but it’s fucking sad as balls.

IWS: Haha, you said–

TOE: Not the time.

IWS: You’re right.

TOE: Let’s just move on. What are you doing this weekend?

IWS: I dunno. Wanna check out Hunger games?

Kinda worried that there are going to be way too many Mockingjay tattoos showing up in the next few years.
(source)

TOE: You know what, I still have a ton of work to get  through, maybe next week?

IWS: I liked the book!

TOE: Me, too! Kinda bummed that even with so much going on in the book and such a great story, they still felt the need to inject some semblance of a love story into the end.

IWS: Yeah, I hear that. So…we’re cool?

TOE: Yeah, totally. Talk tomorrow.

IWS: Wake up! Wake up! Did you see this?? Racist Hunger Games tweets, we HAVE to get on that!

TOE: Holy god, it’s so early! Don’t you sleep.

IWS: I’m a disembodied manifestation of your sense of self, of course I don’t sleep.

TOE: Fair enough. Oh geez! These tweets are nuts! And what the eff? Rue is totally described as being black in the book. Did they just miss that?

IWS: Dude! Why are you not writing like crazy right now?

TOE: I don’t even know what to say!

IWS: C’mooooooon! Do it!!

TOE: Wait, let me get this straight… You want me to make an hilarious observation about how teens can’t read and how they don’t seem to know how the Internet works and that we’ve lost the basic sense of etiquette that we’re taught when we’re kids to not say horrible mean things out loud…and maybe draw an equally knee-slapping parallel between the fact that people didn’t like Rue because she was black and the fact that a good chunk of the country is totally unsympathetic to the needless death of an unarmed kid? That’s what you want me to pull out of my ass right now?? I’m a writer, not a magician!

IWS: It was just a suggestion.

TOE: Oooh, there might be something in this Geraldo non-pology, though. Yeah, between that and the Belvedere ad and Lee Arohnson… I think I might have something.

IWS: I knew you could do it.

TOE: Also, I’m kinda getting tired of the “let me tell annoying politicians about my vagina” meme. Does that make me a bad feminist?

IWS: That’s a whole other part of your subconscious you’ve got to deal with for that one.

TOE’sInnerFeminist: Did someone call?

TOE: Coffee first, then self-analysis.

TOEIF: That’s fair. Btw… I have a story that would make a GREAT screenplay! Can I tell you about it??

IWS: Yikes!… Um… coffee first.

******

Talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy, right? Right?? I blame the habit on the fact that I was an only child.

Fingers crossed, I’ll get to this Geraldo/Belvedere/2.5 Men thing this week

What internal struggles do you find yourself chatting with you about on the regular? Let us know in the comments.

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!