Month: April 2009

Love in the…”Clurb”…seriously, is he saying “clurb”

I was on my way to my knitting circle when I happened past a small theater. As a patron of the arts, I feel it is my duty to support the houses that remind us of the good that great men like Shakespeare, Chekhov and Pinter contributed to the theatrical canon.

Imagine my shock and horror then when I looked in saw a troupe of women being taught moves called “Brush Yo’ Shoulder Off,” “Smack da Butt” and “Pump it.”

As a proud Oreo, I would never embarrass myself with a dance invented after, say, 1800. Sorry, Lindy Hop. And no, it’s not just because I have the kinesthetic intelligence of a puppy on waxed linoleum…it’s because I have an intense appreciation for the beauty, grace and social safeguards inherent in a well-performed waltz.

When using proper classic dance form, there are rules and standards. No room for dangerous personal expression that one would inflict upon another after doing a pop or a lock near someone else. 2131759429_f58456a8d6

It’s just too short of a trip from a ghetto bounce step to a denim jacket embroidered with Looney Tunes characters to courting your love with phrases like: “It’s goin’ down on aisle 3, I’ll bag you like some groceries…I know you scared baby, they don’t know what we doin’…Let’s both get undressed right here, keep it up girl, then I swear, I’mma give to you non-stop, and I don’t care who’s watchin’.”

Mmmm, nothing like slant rhymes and vague threats of sexual assault in a public place to get a woman all melty.

Now, if you’re going to woo with music and poetry, I say, take a page from the brilliant wordsmiths on the other side of the pond. Like this:
Cock and Hen on a Friday night,
Would you Adam and Eve the height of the white.
A Leo Sayer during the day,
Or to your Uncle Ted to delay the sway.
The Gay and Hearty is Harry Kewell,
Bob Hope, Rum and Coke rule till people drool.
Sausage and Mash run out, Jack and Jills turn straight,
Your Loaf just hurts and you’re Two and Eight.

Doesn’t that sound better? You wanna talk about melty. Mmmm, Cockney slang. Traveled. Sophisticated. Delicious.

Diary of a Mad White Black Woman

Dear Diary,

A confession today.

I used my apparent ethnicity last night to my favor with a non Oreo. For so many reasons, I could tell just by looking at him that all I had to do was bat my baby browns at him and I could get away with murder.

He was the bouncer at a local performance establishment I decided to visit yesterevening. When he came to me in line, checking for wristbands, he asked me what I did on Monday nights. I said it depended on the Monday night.

He invited me to a night of comedy featuring nothing but “our” comics. All black comedians. All night. He was, as he put it, “all about it.”

Poor boy. Let him take a look at my iTunes, see videos of Maria Bamford and then maybe he would re-evaluate who exactly “our” comics were.

He gave me his card, showed me where to find his personal cell number among the other promoters’ numbers and moved down the line.

A few minutes later, the line was being let in and the rope was pulled just three people before me. Fear set in like fog in London.

The bouncer walked by, “Looking forward to Monday,” I said, smiling. “I mean, are we really the only two of us here tonight?”

“Come on in,” he said.

It’s true. I frown upon flirting with members of my assumed race. Makes it harder to convince the powers that be of who I really am and that I deserve the privileges images-11inherent in my membership to their club.

But lines are long, it was chilly and A Prairie Home Companion is wonderful live. I didn’t want to miss a minute.

Preach on Garrison Keillor. Preach on.

The Obama Problem – Part 1

With a black President in the White House, many people ask me if there is really a call to hold on to the Oreo way of life. Hasn’t America changed to the point where we’re all equal and it’s irrelevant to figure out a way to skirt prejudice and self loathing.

Simply: Are you kidding?

There are two main reasons why Obama does not pose a threat to those who choose to maintain their Oreo pride.

1. He’s half white. And was raised by the white side. This clearly affected him in a way positive to society at large. For example, though his name is certainly not in the  mainstream, it’s more foreign than black sounding. Do we really think that America would have elected him president if Ann had let him be named LaTron, Darnell or DeShawn Connerique?

2. Who do we have to thank for Obama’s upbringing? Not the indigenous brown folks who originally inhabited his home state of Hawaii. They’re notimages the ones who keep that island economy running. Who does? Wealthy white tourists. Sans their support, Barack could have grown up underprivileged, his family out of work and certainly not been able to hop on that path to greatness.

Thanks, ruling class. We owe you one.

The Company You Keep

It’s no secret that the company you keep has a tremendous effect on who you are, how people perceive you and to what heights you will ultimately climb. As an Oreo you have a special obligation to make sure that you are spending time in the whitest climates possible. This will allow you to network professionally, keep up on current trends and and learn a few choice phrases for those of your ilk not savvy enough to learn to like badminton.

Use the chart below to see if you are safe where you are or if you need to hop in your Smart Car and get to a knitting circle post haste.

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Int. Valley Apartment – Afternoon

White Pal (WP) comes over for lunch. Starts SNEEZING immediately.

OreoWriter (OW) picks up her CAT and puts it in the bedroom.

OW: I’m sorry, is it the cat?

WP: No, I think I’m allergic to Hawaiian Silky.

OW: Oh…Um..What’s that?

WP: It was supposed to be a joke. It’s a weave brand.

OW: How do you know that?

WP: It’s in an Outcast song.

OW: Oh…what’s Outcast?

WP: There’s a “K” in it.

OW: Right…of kourse.