Month: September 2011

Dress Nice and Look White – Science Says So

Every so often another race-based study comes out that makes me wonder if scientists are just thinking of ways to fuck with people on an emotional level. On the other hand, it does solidify why I’m working so hard to be an Oreo.

This is another one of those studies. It’s findings: If you’re dressed nice, you’re probably white.

Researchers had people look at a bunch of pictures of folks who were dressed in either a nice business suit or in janitor’s clothes and guess the person’s race. Though people eventually guessed race correctly most of the time, if the person was in the suit, they were more likely to try and click “white” first.

Based on these photos, I'm more likely to pick "Dead-eyed Soulless Pedo." But no one asked me to be in this study.

What I’d like to know is whose idea this study was and how exactly they decided to do this. I imagine the conversation went something like this:

Researcher: So, I want to do a study where we show people pictures of nicely dressed people and badly dressed people and have people if they’re black or white.

Panel: Are you racist?

Researcher: What? No! Why would you say that?

Panel: Well, a person’s clothes are just clothes, right? Do you have a hard time judging a person’s race if they’re wearing Chanel?

Researcher: Of course not! I just think that…umm… maybe other people do.

Panel: Yes, but why do you think that? How did this come into your brain? Why spend millions on this piece of stereotyping? Johnson over here, he’s working on cancer. And Cortez is busy exploring chronic poverty. And you think a black man can’t wear a suit and still look black.

Researcher: Listen sirs.

Researcher stands up. Paces in front of the panel.

Researcher: I may or may not have all the answers. And I may have some crazy questions. But let’s be honest. Is there one among us who hasn’t at some point asked some crazy fucking questions! If so, I invite him to throw the first stone!

Researcher stands on the table. 

Researcher: Sure, it’s scary to look inside ourselves and probe what’s really in there. No one like colonoscopies emotional or otherwise.  Sure, there will be some long, dark nights collating data where we wonder who we really are. But it is in those trenches, sirs, that men become men. That women become women. And that God appears to all of us.

Assistant: Oh captain, my captain!

Panel: We’re science. We don’t really do God.

Researcher: Dammit.

Panel: And as for the rest of it. Well, here’s what we have to say about that!


A slow clap commences as Researcher takes his seat.

Researcher: Thank you, gentlemen. As a black woman, I appreciate this opportunity.

Panel: You’re black?!?!?! Ohhhh, it was the Burberry and the Louboutins. We had no idea. Nicely done!

There are three black dudes, two and a half Asians and one Native American in there. You just can't tell cuz they look so swank

Bigoted Bake Sale? What do you think?

When I saw what Republican students at The University of California – Berkeley are doing with baked goods today, my buns definitely got a bit sticky.

The students are having a bake sale where the price of the food varies by each buyer’s race.  A white guy will pay $2 for a cupcake. A white woman, $1.75. A black dude, $.75 and Native Americans women get theirs for free.

I guess I could have just posted this picture in the first place.

Naturally, I was upset. We know how much I love donuts and now I have to cop to my own race in order to get one?! What’s that you say? I don’t live in Berkeley and my bake shop down the street doesn’t give a good goshdarn what I look like just as long as I stop changing my mind about the bear claw…no, regular glazed…no apple thingy…no bear claw…no…. Never you mind that! Even thinking about having to admit that I’m of color was traumatic enough.

Campus Republicans put on the bake sale to draw attention a piece of state legislation, SB 185, that will allow California colleges to blatantly use race, gender, ethnicity and national origin as a determining factor in admissions.

Some students say that using race to determine one’s readiness for college is as bad as using it to price sweets. Others, however, are calling the bake sale racist, hateful and charge it with creating an unsafe environment on campus.

I call it delicious. Mmmm, frosting. Did I mention it's my birthday. I totally deserve frosting.

I just wonder what they charge for Oreos. The Nabisco kind and the me kind.

I mean, look how adorbs that Oreo is. She comes with a dressage hat and everything. That hat alone is $300...did I mention it's my birthday. And that I love dressage hats.... 🙂

Since race is so icky and touchy, here are some other questions colleges could use to choose who they want to let in to their ivory towers. Make applying to college more like filling out a dating profile and that might be more fun for everyone.

To replace: “What Race are you?” Try these on the Common App:

  • What’s the first thing people notice about you (other than race)?
  • What movies do you like?
  • Do you think I’m pretty?
  • How much money did your parents or grandparents donate to this school?
  • What fraternity or sorority will you pledge?
  • What do you mean you can’t afford Greek dues? What are you, Greece or something?
  • How many European countries have you visited?
  • Did your parents go to one of our rival schools?
  • What famous and/or influential person are you related to?
  • How willing are you to meet in person?
  • What is the name of the country club to which your parents belong?
  • Golf or polo, what’s your preference?
  • What do you want to be when you grow up?
  • What are six things you can’t live without?
  • How much money did you say your parents donated to this school?




What do you think? Is this protest out of line? Or does it make some sense? 

Do protests to Affirmative Action measures assume that minorities will not be deserving of whatever the goal is?  Does diversity on college campuses even matter? Should diversity include more things that just where you came from and what you look like?

Should biological factors be used to determine where someone should be able to go to school? 

Let us know in the comments! 


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Holy Sh*t It Happened!

In case you’re wondering why that pig flew past your window or why Hell was reporting unseasonably cold weather, it’s because The Oreo Experience finally went on a real live date with a real live black guy!!

Before Sunday’s outing, I had prepped myself as much as possible. I put in a call to my trainer to schedule a couple of riding lessons, attended the Sound of Music Singalong at the Hollywood Bowl and learned Edelweiss on the guitar.

Oh Captain Von Trapp, I'll be your nanny...or your nurse...or your mommy/..whatever it takes, really.

And then it happened.  I drove to Downtown LA where we had planned to meet, stepped out of my car and was inexplicably covered in enough cat hair to make myself a third cat. I do not understand how this happens. My two cats do not go in my car. Why is their hair there?! I dashed down the street, trying to feign gracefulness as I sprinted in heels while lint rolling myself furiously and looking for the address.

We went to a play. Ate some falafel. Both lost a round to each other at darts. He waited patiently while I bought a vintage silk purse. A generally good time was had by all.

And then as I was leaving the vintage store, moar cat hair showed up on me!! How do they do it??

Of course, there were some happily mitigating factors. We had met the previous week at a reading of a musical about a behavioral psychologist. We were both the only of colors there. He’s a trained Shakespearean actor (overlooking the fact that he played the titular role in Othello).  He went to Sarah Lawrence.

The topic came up of how this was me popping my date with a black guy cherry. Instead of answering, I shoved an entire falafel ball into my mouth and the subject was changed to the fact that I nearly choked to death.

Whether my larynx is being crushed by food or not, the question always comes up. “Really?? You’ve never dated a black guy??” And I usually say something like: “Well, I’ve never dated another

  • Flute player
  • Equestrian
  • Only child
  • Woman
  • Blogger
  • Anglican
  • Graduate of the University of Texas

either, but no one seems to take issue with that.”

Then the person is usually too bothered by the fact that I say “bullet point” before each of those entries to finish the conversation and we complete the elevator ride in silence.

But could that be the key? The missing link? That I simply haven’t picked the right common adjective to shack up with?

Because on the other hand, I’ve dated many

  • Right-handed people
  • Fans of Arrested Development
  • People I work with
  • Booze Enthusiasts (…Boozesiasts…drunks??)

And, well, here we are, still dating. So something’s gone, if not horribly wrong, then at least not horribly right. Hmmm, excuse me while I dash off to make more lists of things that I am so that–JESUS! This freaking cat hair!!! Seriously! WTF?! The cats do not come to my desk at work!! Why is their hair all over everything I touch. I’m like King Midas. Except with a touch not nearly as useful.


What do you think? Do relationships work better when both people share a skin color/religion/last name?

Do you date people very much like you or very different? 

What is up with the cat hairs??!?!??!

Let us know in the comments! 

And for more dating stuffs, check out these posts:

My other answer to why I don’t date black guys. (Video)

Sometimes dates don’t work out, but you learn something anyway. 

Online dating is whack if you’re black…the kids say “whack” right? Or is it “wack”? “Waque”??


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How to Make Oreos – Step 17 – Lose that Leash!

Being an Oreo is hard. (I mean, you’ve read the rules, right?)

It’s a lot of work to maintain this level of self loathing. So I’m always excited when I see others joining in the fight and helping RBP dislike themselves just a little bit more.

S/he helps out a lot, too.

This week we got some help from an animal activist.

A South Los Angeles dog shelter had the complete lack of foresight to make this horrible poster.

Just look at that. Happy African Americans loving an adorable dog. Exactly what message were they trying to send here? That black people can be responsible pet owners? That dogs can be an enjoyable part of a family of color?? That bully breeds might be as misunderstood as populations forced to live in less than ideal circumstances?

The nerve!

Luckily Phyllis Daugherty, Director of the Animals Issues Movement, was there to put a stop to this nonsense.

She said that the posters were problematic because they did nothing but promote stereotypes. Since sometimes, ghetto thugs raise pit bulls for fighting, Daugherty felt there should not be a poster with black people and pit bulls together in any sort of harmony lest all we can think of is Michael Vick.

She alerted the press. And is campaigning to get the poster changed.

And thank God! Can you living in a predominantly minority neighborhood (scary, I know!!!) and seeing positive images of yourself?! It might actually lead you think that being black wasn’t so bad…and then where would you be? Not at the Yacht Club, I can tell you that!



Speaking of Pit Bulls: If you’re in the LA area next weekend, you should totes check out Stand Up For Pits. It’s an adoption/silent auction/comedy event benefiting pit bull rescue in LA. My friends at Angel City Pits are helping organize and I’ll be there, too. So come tell an Oreo hello. 🙂

Pearl will be there to say hello, too!

For more on why I (despite my Oreo efforts) love love love pitties, check out this post and the unbearably sweet video included in it.


What do you think about the poster? About pit bulls? About posters of pit bulls? Let us know and/or share your doggie adoption stories in the comments!


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Professional Human Being Cares about Blacks and Thus Proposes Slavery as Solution to Unemployment Crisis

Hey, it worked once, right?

On Monday, economist Arthur Laffer laid out his vision of a new America in the Wall Street Journal. An America where everyone

Cares about black people. Very much.

who wants a job can get one. Where businesses thrive in previously under-served areas. Where business aren’t bogged down by pesky things like “payrolls” or “building codes.”

It goes a little like this:

First, he presents us with real an sobering facts.

While overall U.S. unemployment stands at 9.1%, black unemployment has jumped to 16.7%. Black teenage unemployment is bordering on 50%, and that figure doesn’t even take into account “discouraged” workers, “involuntary” part-time workers and “underemployed” workers. But even these numbers don’t tell the real story. They represent real people who are suffering deeply and have been suffering for a long, long time.

Awww, he cares. He said “suffering.” Which means he connects to the humanity of this situation. Look how much he grieves:

Behind these numbers are millions of lives discouraged and despondent. People who’ve lost their self-esteem and pride.

Wow, the horrors of self-esteem and pride loss. I’m so with you!! It’s horrible. I was unemployed for 2 years and it was the lowest my life had ever been. I remember waking up, crying all day, falling asleep with tear-stained cheeks, then waking up just to do it again. He must have a really good idea for stopping that cycle.

He calls them “Enterprise Zones.” The EZs will be concentrated areas of business placed in poor urban areas.

Another enterprise zone. The USS Enterprise Zone!

So far so good! Poor urban areas need businesses. With all granted wishes however, there are a few niggly details to consent to.

Rule #1: For all employment within the enterprise zone of people whose principal residence is also the enterprise zone, there should be no payroll tax whatsoever, neither employer nor employee portions. The employer need not be headquartered in the enterprise zone to take advantage of the elimination of the employer’s portion of the payroll tax. The locus of employment does have to be in the enterprise zone.

Okay, so the owners don’t have to pay additional taxes. Not such a big deal, right, because they are paying their employees after all, which is the whole point of getting a job, right?

Rule #2: Federal and state minimum wages must be suspended in the enterprise zone. If not for all employees, then at least for employees under 30. These young people need on-the-job training, and at the present minimum wage many of them aren’t worth hiring. That is why they are unemployed.

Ohhhhh, the workers WON’T get paid. This makes perfect, reasonable sense for two reasons. 1. What better way to stem the soul crushing depression that comes from not having an income by just getting in there and exhausting yourself with work. That way, you’ll be too tired to cry yourself to sleep at night, you’ll just pass out from the combined exhaustion of working for free and not being able to buy an energizing dinner.

Kinda like how the girl who drinks this in a few minutes won't know just how bad she should feel when she comes to in her unusually messy bedroom the next morning.

Also, the only reason for unemployment is not having a skill set. I think if The Great Recession made anything clear, it was that. No one has been laid off because of decisions made at a corporate level. It was just because people are too dang hungry lazy to educate themselves.

Rule #3: In the enterprise zones the government should do an expedited review of all building codes, regulations, restrictions and requirements to make sure that they don’t unjustifiably impede economic growth. For example, mandated union membership rules should be voided in enterprise zones as should all prevailing wage provisions and the like.

You know what’s annoying? Rules. And safety. And protection for people who are already super vulnerable. Ugh! Instead of making sure that people have enough light to see by, aren’t breathing toxic chemicals and can escape during an emergency, let’s just put them to work. For free. I mean, you’ve already spent all that money not paying your employees. You can’t just not hemorrhage cash forever. Eventually, you’re going to have to dig your heels in and just rake in the cash.

Look at all that uncomfortable space! That is no place for healthy productivity.

Rule #4: Profits generated by companies operating and employing people within the enterprise zone should only be taxed at one-third the regular tax rate. No matter how many fewer regulations a company faces, those companies still quite rightly respond to profits for their shareholders.

These EZs will be doing people a favor! They will allow people to work without the burden of having to set up a direct deposit account. Plus, because they won’t be earning any money, workers won’t be able to afford gas, bus fare or Internet access, so they won’t be distracted by looking for other jobs. They’ll be able to focus. Rich kids pay tons of money for pills that make them focus. EZs are giving the community a great big shot of Ritalin for free!

If you think this sounds like slavery, you’re totally right! But let’s just call it an internship.  (albeit, where all the “students” are poor people of color who work in unventilated boxes without the ability to talk to an academic adviser.)


What do you think? Have we found our way out of economic crisis? Let us know in the comments!

I’m assuming this guy is the one who gave Bachmann and Santorm the tip about how baller antebellum America was?

Pundits often say super racist stuff without thinking. But it’s not their fault! Click here to find out why.


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5 Things Guys Hate (Is it True, Fellas?)

I was watching some footage of fellas recently and learned some shocking things. Guys seem to not be able to handle very much at all.  It must be so tough. So guys, what exactly is wrong with…

1. Women who care about them. Here’s Klondike rewarding a guy for listening to his horrible boring parasite of a wife for waaaaaay too long.

2. Quality Shirts. Here’s JC Penny (thanks Sociological Images for the link) telling guys that if they just endure a few seconds of well-made clothing, they’ll get to stare a woman.

3. Women who care about them. Olympus finally has a solution to having to spend time with your terrible, soul-crushing romantic partner.

The ad says that with their camera, guys will “never get bored of how their girlfriend looks again.” Thank God someone figured out how to make us XX-chromosomed folk interesting! Geez! Can I get one of these filters to carry around with me? I can only imagine how tedious it must be to look at me in passing. Apologies guys, really. From the bottom of my boring boring heart.

4. Respecting People. Here’s Dodge giving men a getaway vehicle so they can run the hell away from their shittastic lives where they are forced by harpies to be considerate.

5. Women Who Care About Them. In order to get men to buy milk, The California Milk Processor’s Board showed us not how milk is a healthy thing that helps prevent bone loss and teeth shattering, but how it can be a way for men to avoid talking to their partners. Because if she’s upset, it’s obviously because of some wackadoo hormone issue. And that’s scrrrry!

I, for example, have never been upset because as a human, I experience a range of emotions and sometimes become frustrated because of a misunderstanding. At least drinking this glass of milk helps me keep my lady mouth shut, so my boyfriend doesn’t have to run away in terror. Or eat himself to obesity on ice cream sandwiches.


You could say that these are just flukes and aren’t indicative of anything in particular. Except that the companies who put these out are some of the biggest out there. A whole lot of people had to approve these ad concepts and believe them to be viable ways to sell their products.

They must not consider them to be wildly insulting to women, since clearly we exist to either annoy or titillate men. And they must not consider them to be insulting to men who apparently can’t make a decision without staring at some boobs first; or who have no desire to communicate with the boobs they’re staring at ever.

Fer serious, tho: Guys, do you find ads like this insulting? Do you ever get sexy-fatigue? I mean how many impossibly hot girls can you stare at in one lifetime? Are you a guy who doesn’t mind chatting with his partner every now and then? Or are women really that terrible? Why are you so afraid of us? Let us know in the comments.


For more fantastic ads that were definitely not ill-conceived, check out this sampling featuring Nivea, Dove and some hands dressed up like ham wallets.


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Diary of a Mad White Black Woman – Little Girl Doesn’t Want to be Black (VIDEO)

Dear Diary,

When I came upon this video, I was saddened and disappointed at what kids will say.

A father jokingly told his daughter that she was going to turn black in a few days. She was not happy about this news.

And understandably so!!

I still can’t get past part of what she said, though. I mean…she should so not be okay with being a brown either!!


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