Every so often another race-based study comes out that makes me wonder if scientists are just thinking of ways to fuck with people on an emotional level. On the other hand, it does solidify why I’m working so hard to be an Oreo.
Researchers had people look at a bunch of pictures of folks who were dressed in either a nice business suit or in janitor’s clothes and guess the person’s race. Though people eventually guessed race correctly most of the time, if the person was in the suit, they were more likely to try and click “white” first.
Based on these photos, I'm more likely to pick "Dead-eyed Soulless Pedo." But no one asked me to be in this study.
What I’d like to know is whose idea this study was and how exactly they decided to do this. I imagine the conversation went something like this:
Researcher: So, I want to do a study where we show people pictures of nicely dressed people and badly dressed people and have people if they’re black or white.
Panel: Are you racist?
Researcher: What? No! Why would you say that?
Panel: Well, a person’s clothes are just clothes, right? Do you have a hard time judging a person’s race if they’re wearing Chanel?
Researcher: Of course not! I just think that…umm… maybe other people do.
Panel: Yes, but why do you think that? How did this come into your brain? Why spend millions on this piece of stereotyping? Johnson over here, he’s working on cancer. And Cortez is busy exploring chronic poverty. And you think a black man can’t wear a suit and still look black.
Researcher: Listen sirs.
Researcher stands up. Paces in front of the panel.
Researcher: I may or may not have all the answers. And I may have some crazy questions. But let’s be honest. Is there one among us who hasn’t at some point asked some crazy fucking questions! If so, I invite him to throw the first stone!
Researcher stands on the table.
Researcher: Sure, it’s scary to look inside ourselves and probe what’s really in there. No one like colonoscopies emotional or otherwise. Sure, there will be some long, dark nights collating data where we wonder who we really are. But it is in those trenches, sirs, that men become men. That women become women. And that God appears to all of us.
Assistant: Oh captain, my captain!
Panel: We’re science. We don’t really do God.
Researcher: Dammit.
Panel: And as for the rest of it. Well, here’s what we have to say about that!
CLAP…CLAP….CLAP….CLAP…
A slow clap commences as Researcher takes his seat.
Researcher: Thank you, gentlemen. As a black woman, I appreciate this opportunity.
Panel: You’re black?!?!?! Ohhhh, it was the Burberry and the Louboutins. We had no idea. Nicely done!
There are three black dudes, two and a half Asians and one Native American in there. You just can't tell cuz they look so swank
When I saw what Republican students at The University of California – Berkeley are doing with baked goods today, my buns definitely got a bit sticky.
The students are having a bake sale where the price of the food varies by each buyer’s race. A white guy will pay $2 for a cupcake. A white woman, $1.75. A black dude, $.75 and Native Americans women get theirs for free.
I guess I could have just posted this picture in the first place.
Naturally, I was upset. We know how much I love donuts and now I have to cop to my own race in order to get one?! What’s that you say? I don’t live in Berkeley and my bake shop down the street doesn’t give a good goshdarn what I look like just as long as I stop changing my mind about the bear claw…no, regular glazed…no apple thingy…no bear claw…no…. Never you mind that! Even thinking about having to admit that I’m of color was traumatic enough.
Some students say that using race to determine one’s readiness for college is as bad as using it to price sweets. Others, however, are calling the bake sale racist, hateful and charge it with creating an unsafe environment on campus.
I call it delicious. Mmmm, frosting. Did I mention it's my birthday. I totally deserve frosting.
I just wonder what they charge for Oreos. The Nabisco kind and the me kind.
I mean, look how adorbs that Oreo is. She comes with a dressage hat and everything. That hat alone is $300...did I mention it's my birthday. And that I love dressage hats.... 🙂
Since race is so icky and touchy, here are some other questions colleges could use to choose who they want to let in to their ivory towers. Make applying to college more like filling out a dating profile and that might be more fun for everyone.
To replace: “What Race are you?” Try these on the Common App:
What’s the first thing people notice about you (other than race)?
What movies do you like?
Do you think I’m pretty?
How much money did your parents or grandparents donate to this school?
What fraternity or sorority will you pledge?
What do you mean you can’t afford Greek dues? What are you, Greece or something?
How many European countries have you visited?
Did your parents go to one of our rival schools?
What famous and/or influential person are you related to?
How willing are you to meet in person?
What is the name of the country club to which your parents belong?
Golf or polo, what’s your preference?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
What are six things you can’t live without?
How much money did you say your parents donated to this school?
***
What do you think? Is this protest out of line? Or does it make some sense?
Do protests to Affirmative Action measures assume that minorities will not be deserving of whatever the goal is? Does diversity on college campuses even matter? Should diversity include more things that just where you came from and what you look like?
Should biological factors be used to determine where someone should be able to go to school?
In case you’re wondering why that pig flew past your window or why Hell was reporting unseasonably cold weather, it’s because The Oreo Experience finally went on a real live date with a real live black guy!!
Before Sunday’s outing, I had prepped myself as much as possible. I put in a call to my trainer to schedule a couple of riding lessons, attended the Sound of Music Singalong at the Hollywood Bowl and learned Edelweiss on the guitar.
Oh Captain Von Trapp, I'll be your nanny...or your nurse...or your mommy/..whatever it takes, really.
And then it happened. I drove to Downtown LA where we had planned to meet, stepped out of my car and was inexplicably covered in enough cat hair to make myself a third cat. I do not understand how this happens. My two cats do not go in my car. Why is their hair there?! I dashed down the street, trying to feign gracefulness as I sprinted in heels while lint rolling myself furiously and looking for the address.
We went to a play. Ate some falafel. Both lost a round to each other at darts. He waited patiently while I bought a vintage silk purse. A generally good time was had by all.
And then as I was leaving the vintage store, moar cat hair showed up on me!! How do they do it??
Of course, there were some happily mitigating factors. We had met the previous week at a reading of a musical about a behavioral psychologist. We were both the only of colors there. He’s a trained Shakespearean actor (overlooking the fact that he played the titular role in Othello). He went to Sarah Lawrence.
The topic came up of how this was me popping my date with a black guy cherry. Instead of answering, I shoved an entire falafel ball into my mouth and the subject was changed to the fact that I nearly choked to death.
Whether my larynx is being crushed by food or not, the question always comes up. “Really?? You’ve never dated a black guy??” And I usually say something like: “Well, I’ve never dated another
Flute player
Equestrian
Only child
Woman
Blogger
Anglican
Graduate of the University of Texas
either, but no one seems to take issue with that.”
Then the person is usually too bothered by the fact that I say “bullet point” before each of those entries to finish the conversation and we complete the elevator ride in silence.
But could that be the key? The missing link? That I simply haven’t picked the right common adjective to shack up with?
Because on the other hand, I’ve dated many
Right-handed people
Fans of Arrested Development
People I work with
Booze Enthusiasts (…Boozesiasts…drunks??)
And, well, here we are, still dating. So something’s gone, if not horribly wrong, then at least not horribly right. Hmmm, excuse me while I dash off to make more lists of things that I am so that–JESUS! This freaking cat hair!!! Seriously! WTF?! The cats do not come to my desk at work!! Why is their hair all over everything I touch. I’m like King Midas. Except with a touch not nearly as useful.
**
What do you think? Do relationships work better when both people share a skin color/religion/last name?
Do you date people very much like you or very different?
What is up with the cat hairs??!?!??!
Let us know in the comments!
And for more dating stuffs, check out these posts:
It’s a lot of work to maintain this level of self loathing. So I’m always excited when I see others joining in the fight and helping RBP dislike themselves just a little bit more.
A South Los Angeles dog shelter had the complete lack of foresight to make this horrible poster.
Just look at that. Happy African Americans loving an adorable dog. Exactly what message were they trying to send here? That black people can be responsible pet owners? That dogs can be an enjoyable part of a family of color?? That bully breeds might be as misunderstood as populations forced to live in less than ideal circumstances?
The nerve!
Luckily Phyllis Daugherty, Director of the Animals Issues Movement, was there to put a stop to this nonsense.
She said that the posters were problematic because they did nothing but promote stereotypes. Since sometimes, ghetto thugs raise pit bulls for fighting, Daugherty felt there should not be a poster with black people and pit bulls together in any sort of harmony lest all we can think of is Michael Vick.
She alerted the press. And is campaigning to get the poster changed.
And thank God! Can you living in a predominantly minority neighborhood (scary, I know!!!) and seeing positive images of yourself?! It might actually lead you think that being black wasn’t so bad…and then where would you be? Not at the Yacht Club, I can tell you that!
**
Speaking of Pit Bulls: If you’re in the LA area next weekend, you should totes check out Stand Up For Pits. It’s an adoption/silent auction/comedy event benefiting pit bull rescue in LA. My friends at Angel City Pits are helping organize and I’ll be there, too. So come tell an Oreo hello. 🙂
What do you think about the poster? About pit bulls? About posters of pit bulls? Let us know and/or share your doggie adoption stories in the comments!
who wants a job can get one. Where businesses thrive in previously under-served areas. Where business aren’t bogged down by pesky things like “payrolls” or “building codes.”
It goes a little like this:
First, he presents us with real an sobering facts.
While overall U.S. unemployment stands at 9.1%, black unemployment has jumped to 16.7%. Black teenage unemployment is bordering on 50%, and that figure doesn’t even take into account “discouraged” workers, “involuntary” part-time workers and “underemployed” workers. But even these numbers don’t tell the real story. They represent real people who are suffering deeply and have been suffering for a long, long time.
Awww, he cares. He said “suffering.” Which means he connects to the humanity of this situation. Look how much he grieves:
Behind these numbers are millions of lives discouraged and despondent. People who’ve lost their self-esteem and pride.
Wow, the horrors of self-esteem and pride loss. I’m so with you!! It’s horrible. I was unemployed for 2 years and it was the lowest my life had ever been. I remember waking up, crying all day, falling asleep with tear-stained cheeks, then waking up just to do it again. He must have a really good idea for stopping that cycle.
He calls them “Enterprise Zones.” The EZs will be concentrated areas of business placed in poor urban areas.
Another enterprise zone. The USS Enterprise Zone!
So far so good! Poor urban areas need businesses. With all granted wishes however, there are a few niggly details to consent to.
Rule #1: For all employment within the enterprise zone of people whose principal residence is also the enterprise zone, there should be no payroll tax whatsoever, neither employer nor employee portions. The employer need not be headquartered in the enterprise zone to take advantage of the elimination of the employer’s portion of the payroll tax. The locus of employment does have to be in the enterprise zone.
Okay, so the owners don’t have to pay additional taxes. Not such a big deal, right, because they are paying their employees after all, which is the whole point of getting a job, right?
Rule #2: Federal and state minimum wages must be suspended in the enterprise zone. If not for all employees, then at least for employees under 30. These young people need on-the-job training, and at the present minimum wage many of them aren’t worth hiring. That is why they are unemployed.
Ohhhhh, the workers WON’T get paid. This makes perfect, reasonable sense for two reasons. 1. What better way to stem the soul crushing depression that comes from not having an income by just getting in there and exhausting yourself with work. That way, you’ll be too tired to cry yourself to sleep at night, you’ll just pass out from the combined exhaustion of working for free and not being able to buy an energizing dinner.
Kinda like how the girl who drinks this in a few minutes won't know just how bad she should feel when she comes to in her unusually messy bedroom the next morning.
Also, the only reason for unemployment is not having a skill set. I think if The Great Recession made anything clear, it was that. No one has been laid off because of decisions made at a corporate level. It was just because people are too dang hungry lazy to educate themselves.
Rule #3: In the enterprise zones the government should do an expedited review of all building codes, regulations, restrictions and requirements to make sure that they don’t unjustifiably impede economic growth. For example, mandated union membership rules should be voided in enterprise zones as should all prevailing wage provisions and the like.
You know what’s annoying? Rules. And safety. And protection for people who are already super vulnerable. Ugh! Instead of making sure that people have enough light to see by, aren’t breathing toxic chemicals and can escape during an emergency, let’s just put them to work. For free. I mean, you’ve already spent all that money not paying your employees. You can’t just not hemorrhage cash forever. Eventually, you’re going to have to dig your heels in and just rake in the cash.
Look at all that uncomfortable space! That is no place for healthy productivity.
Rule #4: Profits generated by companies operating and employing people within the enterprise zone should only be taxed at one-third the regular tax rate. No matter how many fewer regulations a company faces, those companies still quite rightly respond to profits for their shareholders.
These EZs will be doing people a favor! They will allow people to work without the burden of having to set up a direct deposit account. Plus, because they won’t be earning any money, workers won’t be able to afford gas, bus fare or Internet access, so they won’t be distracted by looking for other jobs. They’ll be able to focus. Rich kids pay tons of money for pills that make them focus. EZs are giving the community a great big shot of Ritalin for free!
If you think this sounds like slavery, you’re totally right! But let’s just call it an internship. (albeit, where all the “students” are poor people of color who work in unventilated boxes without the ability to talk to an academic adviser.)
*****
What do you think? Have we found our way out of economic crisis? Let us know in the comments!
I was watching some footage of fellas recently and learned some shocking things. Guys seem to not be able to handle very much at all. It must be so tough. So guys, what exactly is wrong with…
1. Women who care about them. Here’s Klondike rewarding a guy for listening to his horrible boring parasite of a wife for waaaaaay too long.
2. Quality Shirts. Here’s JC Penny (thanks Sociological Images for the link) telling guys that if they just endure a few seconds of well-made clothing, they’ll get to stare a woman.
3. Women who care about them. Olympus finally has a solution to having to spend time with your terrible, soul-crushing romantic partner.
The ad says that with their camera, guys will “never get bored of how their girlfriend looks again.” Thank God someone figured out how to make us XX-chromosomed folk interesting! Geez! Can I get one of these filters to carry around with me? I can only imagine how tedious it must be to look at me in passing. Apologies guys, really. From the bottom of my boring boring heart.
4. Respecting People. Here’s Dodge giving men a getaway vehicle so they can run the hell away from their shittastic lives where they are forced by harpies to be considerate.
5. Women Who Care About Them. In order to get men to buy milk, The California Milk Processor’s Board showed us not how milk is a healthy thing that helps prevent bone loss and teeth shattering, but how it can be a way for men to avoid talking to their partners. Because if she’s upset, it’s obviously because of some wackadoo hormone issue. And that’s scrrrry!
I, for example, have never been upset because as a human, I experience a range of emotions and sometimes become frustrated because of a misunderstanding. At least drinking this glass of milk helps me keep my lady mouth shut, so my boyfriend doesn’t have to run away in terror. Or eat himself to obesity on ice cream sandwiches.
You could say that these are just flukes and aren’t indicative of anything in particular. Except that the companies who put these out are some of the biggest out there. A whole lot of people had to approve these ad concepts and believe them to be viable ways to sell their products.
They must not consider them to be wildly insulting to women, since clearly we exist to either annoy or titillate men. And they must not consider them to be insulting to men who apparently can’t make a decision without staring at some boobs first; or who have no desire to communicate with the boobs they’re staring at ever.
Fer serious, tho: Guys, do you find ads like this insulting? Do you ever get sexy-fatigue? I mean how many impossibly hot girls can you stare at in one lifetime? Are you a guy who doesn’t mind chatting with his partner every now and then? Or are women really that terrible? Why are you so afraid of us? Let us know in the comments.
One of the biggest pieces of inspiration for an Oreo-to-be is film and TV. It’s so motivating to see what a diversity of experiences one can have…if one only had the foresight to not be you know…a brown.
With the summer over, it’s time for Hollywood to pull out a new season of films. Notable about this time of year is that this is where many strong Oscar contenders come from. Which means that these are the movies that filmmakers, young and old alike, will take their cues from. Here’s some of what’s coming up this fall and winter and how they stack up against the Oreo agenda.
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star – Nick Swardson does porn (finally!!)
Things White People Get to Do: Be part of a loving family, be content with simple things, be blissfully unaware, be sweet, be naive, be oddly cool, progressive parents, live in a small town, live in a big city, parody Almost Famous, be hot, be regular looking, be super hot with a regular looking boyfriend, be the hero.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: be threatening, drive a car.
Contagion – This is why we don’t touch people.
Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: Play craps, have a family, be an expert, cry convincingly, deliver bad news, be unable to accept bad news, probably be the focal point of a conspiracy, populate towns.
Things Not-White People Get to Do in This Movie: Play craps, provide and clarify exposition.
Main Street – English actors fake Southern accents
Things White People Get to Do: Fake an American accent, come up with a plan, be taken advantage of by the boss, be savvy about the boss, believe a stranger, be troubled, look out for the troubled, work in an office.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: Believe a stranger.
Warrior – Fighting!
Things White People Get to Do: have tattoos, cage fight, announce fights, reconnect with parents, gamble, join the military, lose a home, offer help, make up for lost time, walk around the house in matched undies and undershirt, throw tires around, be an adorable father, kiss the girl, be a war hero, cheer supportability, go head to head.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: walk through frame, lose a fight
I Don’t Know How She Does It – Whaaa?? A woman has a job and a life???!?!?
Things White People Get to Do: Have a career AND a family and be totes supes adorbs about it.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Straw Dogs – Small Town Life is Murdery
Things White People Get to Do: Watch old movies, be in old movies, be way too aggressive, terrorize innocents, be a cheerleader, have sex, have a nice date, disrespect their partners, sexually harass women, fight back against bullies, go to church, rise to the challenge, wield a tire iron, use boiling water effectively.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Drive – Ryan Gosling is hot. And dangerous. And hot.
Things White People Get to Do: be really good at driving, set up dirty deals, be mobsters, live in a big city, meet guys in elevators, be a stunt person, be a loving single mom, get their hands on more money than they were expecting, kiss the girl, bash someone’s head in, wear freaky masks, slit some throats, be the dad the dad couldn’t be.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: be a felon.
Abduction – It’s the Bourne movies, just with a werewolf teen
Things White People Get to Do: Experience an existential crisis, wrestle, host and attend pool parties, have an iPad, discover their past, illegally adopt children, fight like they do in the Bourne movies, be a rogue weapon, be the center of controversy, threaten teenagers, have sweet cars, ride trains,
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Dolphin Tale – Well, it’s a less porntastic title than Free Willy
Things White People Get to Do: Find tailless dolphin, believe in the tailless dolphin, provide a parallel storyline by having a badly wounded leg, hug awkwardly
Things Not-White People Get to Do: Be Morgan Effing Freeman, walk past a van
The Double- Richard Gere isn’t who he says he is.
Things White People Get to Do: Murder, be murdered, be powerful, be a smarty pants, throw down a challenge, become obsessed, have a family, be a threat, be level headed, be either a schizo madman or a brilliant strategist.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: swivel in a chair.
Killer Elite -Transporter 11?
Things White People Get to Do: get people “ready for this,” sport that awesome Clive Owen accent, punch, kick, make a chair fly with awesome glute action, get felt up in a pool.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: give advice.
Machine Gun Preacher – White People to the Rescue–Now With Heavy Artillery!!
Things White People Get to Do: have regret, stand in underwear, beg for help, get baptized, have a change of heart, save black people, make amends.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: be poor in Africa, be Freedom Fighters, be in a refugee camp, wield machine guns, try to kill the white guy, burn down a village.
Moneyball – He’s not in this movie, but have you seen how thin Jonah Hill is now??
Things White People Get to Do: run a baseball team, kick ass at their first job, change the game, have a family, sport some pretty obvious product placement, scare the intern.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: not be able to read the information on a vending machine, sit behind Brad Pitt, sit next to Jonah Hill.
50/50 – Cancer sucks.
Things White People Get to Do: be a best friend, cope as best they can, diagnose disease, provide therapy, be a supportive family, be a surprisingly cool old man, provide dubious support, go to bars.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a – this is especially exciting because one of the people who was closest to me dealt with this and I, not knowing what to do, ended up acting as the partner giving dubious advice that was meant to be playfully endearing. Glad to know that I definitely wasn’t acting like an RBP. Apparently, I was acting like Seth Rogan.
Dream House -Wait, isn’t this the same schtick in the Richard Gere movie??
Things White People Get to Do: have a family, have sex, suspect something is wrong, be creepy townies, be bad neighbors, not know who they are, ride trains, relax in a bath, look like the kids from The Shining.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: walk through a door.
What’s Your Number? – Okay, I kinda heart Anna Faris even if she did have plastic surgery.
Things White People Get to Do: date, stand in underwear, look for love, be a puppeteer, be delightfully awkward, make deep, personal insights,
Things Not-White People Get to Do: provide advice, be a rocket scientist, be gay, attend a lovely wedding.
Wait?? A silly, floppy comedy is the movie that’s brave enough to risk putting of color ppl in real roles?
Dirty Girl – Southern Gals are Sassy!
Things White People Get to Do: be Southern, feather their hair, promote abstinence, push the envelope, be preggers, assign homework, have a good family, have a bad family, discover family secrets, drop a flour baby on its head, run away, dance with ribbons.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
The Ides of March – This Just In: Politicians Lie
Things White People Get to Do: fly in private planes, be sure of themselves, recruit promising young people, make a difference, be a good candidate, be a bad candidate, make good deals, make bad deals, demand loyalty, wear suits, get in over their head.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: stand next to George Clooney.
Real Steel -Robots Fight in a Plot That Doesn’t Look Thin at All
Things White People Get to Do: recognize how the fight has changed, make robots, place bets, win some, lose some.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: announce a fight, attend fights.
The Big Year – Men Make a Bucket List Competitive
Things White People Get to Do: have a big house, have a great job, be angsty at family, go skiing, compete with each other, see the world, make up for lost time.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: set up a Jack Black joke, sit in front of Owen Wilson, set up another Jack Black joke.
Father of Invention – You Had Me at “White” Collar Crime
Things White People Get to Do: commit white collar crimes, be embarrassed about their family, expect the best, discover the worst, fall from grace, climb back up again, sing, make coffee, shine a light on other characters, be behind the times, play Rock Band.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: marry a super hot gal while her husband is in prison.
Fireflies in the Garden – I Haven’t Seen a Firefly Since College!
Things White People Get to Do: be abusive, be abused, accidentally kill someone, be EMTs, process the past, write a tell all, have loving catch phrases, do the best with what they have.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Footloose – Are They Gonna Keep that Awkward Dancing By Himself Scene?
Things White People Get to Do: Live in a small town, live in a big town, have a family, be in positions of authority, have attitude, drive cars, make rules, challenge the rules, date, play chicken with school buses, tempt a train.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: be one of the guys, play sports, be in the crowd, deliver high fives.
Trespass -Nick Cage Has an Academy Award
Things White People Get to Do: have a family, have an amazing house, have a secret vault, stage an elaborate break in, be brutal, lie, cheat, steal, take big risks.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Margin Call – I totally chatted up Zack Quinto during Star Trek. We were basically besties.
Things White People Get to Do: work on Wall Street, get fired, keep working, go over the figures, place blame, dump stocks, go to strip clubs, empathize for the commoners, ride elevators, set into motion events that change America for a good long time.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: sit at a desk in the background.
The Three Musketeers – I’m not sure that tripod weapon existed back then. Or the spiky ball thing.
Things White People Get to Do: Sport dashing period costumes, fence beautifully, be clergy, be commoner, be captivating, create amazing dirigibles,
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
In Time -Hey! It’s the Guy From Big Bang Theory!
Things White People Get to Do: have a family, be stunning, be rich, be blue collar, make an important trade, owe someone their life–literally, ask people to look inside themselves, lead a revolution.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: walk behind Cillian Murphy, walk through scene at a party, deliver a line of exposition, sit behind Cillian Murphy, be grateful for a gift.
The Rum Diary – Johnny Depp drinks a lot, is still adorable.
Things White People Get to Do: be a disaster, be a tough boss, be an adorable ex-pat, find creative solutions to problems, find the one white gal on the island, populate a yacht, make innuendo, hallucinate, print papers, be unafraid of death by car, shower.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: populate Puerto Rico, practice voodoo.
Tower Heist – I love you, Ben
Things White People Get to Do: Be the boss of the staff, be the staff, commit financial crimes, come up with a plan to get the bad guy, vocalize the need for a criminal, have asthma, disrespect the little guy.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: recognize racial disparity, be the staff, be locked up for non-savvy crimes, tutor people on how to rob, hit on the other black person in the movie.
A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas – Umm, this movie has two minority leads. There’s no way it can be interesting/marketable/worth the time. Sheesh!
Jack and Jill – Men in Drag are always hilarious
Things White People Get to Do: have a family, be rude, come over for dinner, hurt a horse, adopt a kid, have a cat, get hit on by Al Pacino, re-live youth, break the laws of physics on a jet ski.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: work in an office.
Melancholia – The End of The World Set to Soothing Music
Things White People Get to Do: get married, have access to a giant sundial, toast, be grumpy, ride horses, be unsatisfied, balletically prepare for the end of days.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
The Twilight Saga – Breaking Dawn – Hmm. I thought we were done with these
Things White People Get to Do: show off their trapezius, send a letter, get a letter, morph, get married (aren’t they like 14??), go to Brazil, kiss a lot, expect us to believe that a belly that tiny could hold a baby.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: be in a wheelchair
A Dangerous Method – Keira Knightley does a bunch of accents. And her doctor.
Things White People Get to Do: answer questions, ask questions, ride in carriages, dress beautifully, be crazy, try new procedures, hide from sex get laid, have a gorgeous boat, face temptation.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Hugo – The Spirit of Christmas Embodies a Cyborg
Things White People Get to Do: be a sweet dad, be a loved son, have a dog, run from authority, be all mysterious, make friends with a robot, enjoy miracles.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – No one mentions that cheese kanji she has on her ankle. She thinks it says “love.” It doesn’t. Ahh, college.
Things White People Get to Do: investigate, have dinners, live in cold climates, be part of the crowd, grow ill, come to the end of their ropes, keep searching.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
War Horse -You’ll Cry.
Things White People Get to Do: fall in love with nature, defend their homes, run through town, practice excellent riding posture, draw very well, grow up, tell their story.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Whew! I was worried that I was going to see examples of myself in various and interesting situations. But luckily, I’ve been reminded that being of color is just not that interesting. Why else would of color folks be kept out of the canon of one of the most powerful industries going?
I’d say this was no big deal and that I and others might accept my blackness anyway. But the repetition of images (or the omission of images) is pretty much what the entire advertising industry is based on. So I guess a message is definitely getting across.
And thank God for it! I have spent way too much money relaxing my hair for it to be otherwise!
Apparently, some sports season is winding down and/or another one is winding up. Something about brackets? I’m not sure. I just know that there’s been more talk of teams around the office and the group emails from my college alumni group are starting to be full of lots of ticket swap talk.
Unofortch, no one is anteing tix to see these fellas play.
I really wish I got the sports thing. I think this is the one only-child trait that I hang on to. I’m not overly selfish. I can play well with others. I don’t mind sharing. But I just don’t understand team sports. I remember standing on the volleyball court in school and thinking “So…did you want to handle this or do you want me to? There’s like 6 of us. Are we really all needed, because I have some arpeggios to practice if you’re good.”
HOW many people does it take to get a ball over a net?? The ball's not heavy, the net's not that high, just have that one gal toss it over, done!
You’d think I would have absorbed something useful about sports by now. I am, after all, from Texas, where football is a very big deal. And because I was extra cool, I was in marching band in both high school and college. So I went to a LOT of football games.
Yup. I sported that outfit. Proudly. Go LHB!!
But the things I most looked forward to had nothing to do with the game. In high school, we were allowed to take the boxes our hats came in into the stands with us to store our bright, white feathered plumes before and after the half-time performance. But you know what else those boxes could hold? Calculus and French text books!!! I was always so happy to have an extra four hours to work on homework, that I generally forgot to watch the field.
In college, my favorite part of the game was right after the half-time show when we would get applause and apples. They’d pass around this box of fruit and it was just delicious!! I mean, I think I was supposed to be happy that one of our players won a Heisman or something and that I got to see him play every week. But those apples were like the best apples ever.
There are a few general reasons why I can’t get on board with team sports:
I hate seeing men cry. I mean, I love it when men are emotionally avail, but it just breaks my heart to see them cry.
It's okay, little soldier. I'm here. I'm right here.
And guys often cry after losing a game. They’d try not to, but through their clenched lips and stern looks, you could see tears just welling up and them doing that not-blinking thing so that the tears wouldn’t actually fall. I’m misting up now just thinking about it.
I put things in perspective. A friend was lamenting the fact that the Buffalo Bills have lost four Superbowls and thus people make fun of them. And I’m like “But they WENT to the Superbowl!! They made it there!! I can’t get to the Superbowl. That’s a serious accomplishment.” Apparently, just making it to the SB isn’t quite good enough. I’m a giant perfectionist and I still don’t get that.
I can’t stand to see people get hurt. I’m a huge baby when it comes to other people’s pain. My roommate once broke his toe in front of me and I had to call a doctor because I was the one who passed out.
And when it comes to specific sports, there’s just too many things that don’t make sense.
Baseball: You get in trouble for doing the right things. In the spirit of “okay, maybe I can learn to like this,” I played softball once a couple of years ago. I was up to bat. The pitch came toward me and I steeled myself for the contact. Dug my toe into the dirt, rotated back and CRACK!!! I hit the ball really high and really far. It was super impressive flying into the sun like that. Like a bird. A round, wingless birdie.
Like a kiwi! Only I'd never hit a kiwi with a bat. Even to give it the gift of flight.
And then I got OUT!!! Excuse me?? I just did something GOOD. I just demonstrated a serious piece of timing, strength and coordination and you PUNISH me for it??
Fuck that!
I haven’t played since.
Soccer: Thought I was gonna like this one because they don’t stop the clock. Yay! A night, tight 90-minute game with nice, tight bodies running up and down the field. Low scoring, but that’s okay… until they do that bullshit kick off at the end!
I don’t remember what the score was, but at this match I went to in Australia, apparently, the judge or ref or officials or whatever didn’t care what it was. These players had just exhausted themselves and instead of going with what was on the scoreboard, they had a kick off where the first one to make a goal won the whole effing game! What?? Why not just do that at the beginning if you don’t care about the effort that went into it? Sheesh!
I'm sorry, was I complaining about something? I suddenly got distrac---
Basketball: Too many points. If it’s that easy to get points, it’s just doesn’t seem challenging. I would like it better though, I think if the guys went back to wearing those shorty shorts that they used to.
No surprise that the sports I do like are individual events. And super white.
Tennis: I played when I was in school. Classy, simple, elegant. And if you’re a girl, you get to have fun making the audience feel like pervs when you vocalize your impacts and efforts.
exactly how I looked when I played in school. Perhaps explains why I never went pro.
Equestrian Things: Who doesn’t want to have something and powerful between their legs? Seriously, though, horses are wonderful and they can fly!
Lindy Hop: If you think swing dancing isn’t an athletic pursuit, you clearly haven’t seen this video.
Tissu: Just getting into this now. First class is this weekend. Went to Cirque a couple of weeks ago. Squealed like a little kid throughout. Signed up for a class. Have clearly overestimated my hand and shoulder strength, flexibility, stamina and comfort with heights, but looking forward to it!
If I get into this position, I will never get out.
The Oreo Experience 