Month: December 2010

Always Use Protection – 5 Ways to Avoid Kwanzaa

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

The next five days are dangerous ones for Oreos. Today is the second day of Kwanzaa and the “holiday” doesn’t end until Jan. 1.

Kwanzaa, or “a celebration of family, community and culture” (according to its website), began long ago was invented in 1966 by Dr. Maulana Karenga (who lives in Chatsworth, CA, btw). The day is meant to celebrate (according to the website) the “best of being African and human). And to be fair, Ngoza Saba–or seven principles of Kwanzaa are actually not that bad. Who couldn’t use a little unity, self-determination, collective work and responsibility, collective economics, purpose, creativity and faith?

But look at it. It’s obviously suuuuuuper black and makes people as uncomfortable as they are when they realize that Christmas carols are really on the nose and don’t mince words about that whole Jesus Christ business.

So a good Oreo must take care to avoid any semblance of having any ties to the holiday. Here are some ways to make sure your end of year is Oreo-tastic and Kwanzaa free!

1. Always have at least a small blanchetourage in tow. This goes without saying as Oreos are always in the company of their white friends. But during Kwanzaa, it is doubly important to be flanked by some non-colors so that no one accidentally offers you a slice of benne cake or dollop of okra.

2. Avoid wearing red, green and black and/or any combination thereof. These three colors are the ones used in the kinara — the Kwanzaa menorah. Decorating your space or person with these colors is just asking for trouble. As is wearing clothes with complicated patterns that might be mistaken for African clothing. Instead, try some nice pastels or the colors from your yacht club’s crest or your family’s tartan.

3. Replace tapered candles with tea candles. The kinara is traditionally filled with long, tapered candles. Regardless of color, take the ones from your centerpieces out and replace them with smaller, less suspicious candles.

4. Keep real menorahs on display. This may seem contrary to the advice above, but it will give you a great opportunity to see if your other Oreo efforts are working. If they are working, guests will immediately recognize the candles correctly. If not, they may ask you if you are celebrating Kwanzaa. While this will sting, it will also remind you to keep that black in check.

5. Should the worst happen, confront it with a smile. If someone does stop you on the street and wish you a good Kwanzaa, do not lash out at them or cry. That will be confusing. Instead, say something like, “Oh, is it Kwanzaa, I just got back from wintering in Banff and I had no idea.” They’ll get the point.

Finally, should someone give you a Kwanzaa gift, do keep it. It’s rude to refuse. You can always return it for a nice table wine or Criterion Collection version of Gone With The Wind.

For more ways to get out of tricky situations, check out this post on eating chicken, this one on saying the n-word, or this one on how to save face when you’re face to face with another Oreo.

What are some holiday traditions–either celebrated en masse or by your own family that you love/can’t stand? Let us know in the comments!

****

For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)

When a White Thing Goes All Black – Spin Class

I love how exercise makes you love and hate yourself simultaneously. On one hand--yay physical activity. On the other--boo, I need more physical activity!

Curse you spin class for making me dance!

Gym activities can be trick territory for an Oreo. On one hand, RBP are pretty athletic–I’ve seen sports games!

On the other hand, there are a few classes available at most gyms where an Oreo can be in safe company: Belly dancing, gymnastics, hot yoga, Tough Mudder training and spin classes to name a few.

I was in spin class last night and having a great time cycling to Pink, MCR, Daft Punk and a little Blue Man Group.

And then they started the uphills.

For those unfamiliar with spin classes, here’s how it goes. You strap your feet into a stationary bike that has an evil crank on the low bar part. Depending on which direction you crank the crank, you will either add resistance or take it away. The instructor leads you through a routine designed to mimic different types of bike riding environments. Less resistance and lots of RMPs and you’re speeding along a highway. More resistance and fewer RPMs and you’re headed up a mountain.

And that’s where things got wonky.

At one point during that uphill, I had so much resistance on that I had to move my body to get the pedals to go. Suddenly, I my upper body was bouncing in time to a rhythm. My shoulders were dipping in a really hip hoppy sort of way. My torso was twisting with each bounce and it looked like a dip and step. And with the way I had to whip my head back and forth to distract myself from the burning in my quads, I might as well have been an extra in a Rhianna video. 😦 *sigh*

Luckily, I’m headed out to get my box step on at Lindy Groove (an LA swing dance club/event) tonight!

And this isn’t the first revelation I’ve had during spin class. Check out this post to see what else goes through my head on that bike. Or this post to see why the wrong dance moves can be disastrous. Or this post to see what happened the time I actually tried to dance.

I’m also seriously considering doing an endurance race next year. Tough Mudder might be a bit too tough–they run through a field of live wires–but I’d like to try something. What do you think? If you’ve done one, tell us what it’s like! What is the most interesting physical thing you’ve endured? Let us know in the comments!

***

For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
And subscribe on youtube! (Check the youtube page for the brand new music video “White (on the inside) Christmas!”
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

The Gods Must Be White

Don't eff with Thor. You don't want to see him angry!

As we’ve pointed out here, movie, if anything, are totally true to life. So it stands to reason that the Council of Conservative Citizens has their white sheet undies all in a bunch because Hollywood has done the unthinkable! Nope, it’s not that they’ve made the Yogi Bear movie or Little Fockers. It’s worse. They’ve made Heimdall black.

Everyone knows Heimdall, right? He’s the Norse god who can hear grass growing and leaves falling. The one who will sound the Gjallarhorn, alerting the æsir to the onset of Ragnarök where the world ends and is reborn. Oh, and he’s also called “the white god.” And he’s being played by blacktor Idris Elba.

Said the CoCC:

“It [is] well known that Marvel is a company that advocates for leftwing ideologies and causes,” the site reads. “Marvel frontman Stan ‘Lee’ Lieber boasts of being a major financier of leftwing political candidates. Marvel has viciously attacked the Tea Party movement, conservatives and European heritage.

 “Now they have taken it one further, casting a black man as a Norse deity in their new movie Thor. Marvel has now inserted social engineering into European mythology.”

On one hand, as an Oreo, I’m totes jealous that Idris Elba is cast to play “the white god”! What an Oreo coup! I’ve sung “Popular” from Wicked at karaoke for years and have yet to land a role for a blonde.

On the other hand, as an Oreo, I’m totes bothered. If directors like Kenneth Branagh continue to fly in the face of reality and give roles to of color actors that allow them to speak in lofty poetry instead of rap and live in the sky instead of the hood…what does that mean for the Oreo? If Hollywood just starts giving parts out willy nilly to talented actors without first vetting them based on race, how will the Oreo know what to avoid to not seem so, you know, black?

And the CoCC has some good points. (If you want a real fun afternoon, btw, check out their website!) Heimdall clearly wasn’t mean to be black. He’s a Norse god, hello! So it’s good that apart from Elba, all the other actors are ethnically correct. Like the Celtic New Zealander Chris Hemsworth who plays Thor, or the Welsh Anthony Hopkins who plays Odin,  the Irish Ray Stevenson who plays Volstagg.

Yup, all Norse– wait, what?

It’s a relief to note, btw, the other true-to-life elements of Thor remain in tact. Like how Thor’s hammer flies from nowhere to his hands whenever he clicks his fingers.  So it stands to reason why the CoCC was so upset…the movie was so close. So. Very. Close. 

Obviously,  the CoCC has a lot of boycotting to do! Here’s their email form if you’d like to get in touch with them to show your support. If you do…let me know what they say.

The Proof Is In The Photo

So, in case anyone thought I didn’t come by my Oreoness honestly, here’s a (badly scanned) photo of me from college…dressed up in a corset…at a Renaissance Fair…that I performed in every year.

Keep in mind that when this photo was taken, I was also a flute performance major with a French minor.

A Sexy Little Post – 5 Ways Cosmo Is Trying To Kill Your Lover

Cosmopolitan Magazine: Turning bedrooms into torture chambers since 1886.

I was getting my hair set for a traditional costumed caroling event and looked to the stack of magazines next to me to help pass the time. I obviously passed over Essence, was shocked that Jet is still being made and picked up a Cosmopolitian.

Holy crap, that magazine sure hates men.

Disguised as “sex tips” are things that I’m pretty sure would make most men’s junk crawl back up inside of them and cry for mommy. Suddenly, the million and one bobbie pins I had holding up my Dickensian coiff didn’t feel so bad when I read these:

1. Choke his penis out with a shoelace. The tip read something like “bring a shoelace to bed and when you’re down there, loop it around his member, pull it tight, then  then drag it up and down.” First of all, I don’t want to unravel an old dirty lace from a shoe before jumping into bed. Second, cinching fleshy things in the middle should be reserved for tubular gifts tied with ribbon and actual sausages, not men’s sausages.

2. Forget regular birth control, melt his b*lls off to prevent becoming preggers. This tip involved bringing a steaming washcloth to bed and wrapping it around his boys. Now I’ve used a hot rag to soothe sore  muslces, but there’s thick skin over those muscles. Second degree burns — not sexy.

3. Show him what a bikini wax is like…sans wax. This tip was apparently written for all the ladies who thought “hmmm, I sure would like it if my guy were more manicured, and I’d like to figure out a way to get out some aggression at the same time.” The plan, according to the Cosmo writer, goes something like this: wait until just before he finishes, the grab a handful of his down-there hair and pull….hard. Because we all know how good it feels when hundreds of hairs are pulled out of the little sockets all at once. Hawt!

4. T*ttie Twister. You know when you’re really into something, like a really good book…and you’re almost finished…and the climax is coming…and you’re about to turn the last page…and be really really satisfied with the way the story wrapped up…and HOLYCRAPSOMETHINGJUSTSTABBEDMEINTHECHEST. In case your guy doesn’t like pleasureable experiences to continue, Cosmo suggests biting him really hard on the nipples just before he…finishes his book. Because nothing ends a good story like drawing blood.

5. Give him the flu. There were a whole spate of tips designed to have your guy’s body temp go from hot to cold to hot to cold in pretty rapid sucession. They’d start with something like “get tightly wrapped up under the covers, then rip the blankets off and drag ice cubes down his body, then use your breath to heat him back up before turning on a fan and letting it cool off the condesation.” Nevermind the fact that in order to make this work, you have to have some serious prop-mastering skills, but what happened to you know…just doing it?

Though, I will say that the corset I was wearing for my caroling event was pretty hot. And I wouldn’t mind figuring out a way to make that work…suggestions welcome.

What’s the best advice (sex or otherwise) you’ve gotten? Worst? Let us know in the comments!

***************

For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
And subscribe on youtube! (Check the youtube page for the brand new music video “White (on the inside) Christmas!”
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Teasing Through Teasers

Though I came by my Oreo-ness honestly (what choice did I have when my mom was an accountant, Dad was a chemical engineer and they listened to more NPR than Nat

Being brown's tough, but he makes the most of it.

King Cole), my decision to set aside ethnicity was solidified when I started watching movies and TV. On screen, the non-colors looked like they led such more intersting lives than of colors!

And movies today don’t let me down!  Even from the trailers, you can totes tell how much more exciting it is when you can shed your melanin!

How Do You Know – Reese Witherspoon can’t figure out what she wan–My GOD, Paul Rudd is handsome

  • Stuff Non-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – wear cute dresses, have doormen, give people their space, compare themselves against the status quo, ride Segways, get indicted, find old flames, have complicated relationships, play baseball, wonder what love is all about, be really crass, add a twist of lemon to their cute cocktails, run from what they want, run toward what they want, stop traffic.
  • Stuff Of-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – Represent on the baseball team….I’d say this guy was an Oreo b/c he’s the only of color on the team (and in the movie?)…but it is a baseball team. I’d be more impressed with his Oreoness if it was lacrosse or hockey.

    • 

Tron: Legacy – Man Finds Himself Through Video Games

  • Stuff Non-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – Struggle with memories, refuse to wait around, ride motorcycles, own businessses, reveal information long held secret, develop cool tech, glow in the dark, have zero percent body fat, fly, strut.
  • Stuff Of-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – hey is that guy– oh, no, he’s not. That was just dark lighting and a beard.

I suppose it makes sense. This is a movie about a guy who goes inside of a video game. They’re already asking us to suspend our disbelief pretty heavily. Let’s not muddy it up by having of colors inside that video game. It’s make believe, not complete crazytown.

Casino Jack – Kevin Spacey is a bad mf-er
 

  • Stuff Non-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – be fancy rich, play golf, count their money, bend the rules, report the news, be chauffered.
  • Stuff Of-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – take a photograph, be disenfranchised, take another photograph.

Yogi Bear – Hmm, didn’t realize there was a market for this film.

  • Stuff Non-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – go camping, work in national parks.
  • Stuff Of-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – n/a

 Wow! Even a talking bear with an eating disorder and boundary issues has more fun than of colors. It’s clear which life I’d rather have. Here’s to resolving to be an even better Oreo next year!

******

For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
And subscribe on youtube! (Check the youtube page for the brand new music video “White (on the inside) Christmas!”
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

This Is Also Why We Can’t Go To Nice Places

The evening started off so well! An exclusive invitation to a private party in the Beverly Hills, a private valet company, a shuttle ride up to the front door because the driveway was just that long, open bar, truffle oil…an Oreo’s dream! I didn’t check the list, but I was pretty sure I would be the only or one of just a few of colors there.

Just getting in the door without wearing the catering company’s uniform was probably proof enough of my Oreo-ness, but in a discussion about pets wearing clothes, I dropped a few lines about how my horse was very upset to be costumed as a bee for Halloween just for good measure.

Half an hour in and I hadn’t seen another person of color, so I knew I was in good company…

…and then we were sat at our tables.

It was all place-card seating like at a wedding. I saw my name calligraphied on a card and walked toward it and saw a chilling sight.

Four other of colors walking toward the same table. And not to bus the plates or refill the water.

As we all sat down, I looked around the room.

Apparently, I was sat at the black table.

Another black table.

There were two other black people at the party and they were sat at tables where they were the only ones. But here was I, surrounded by of colors. Didn’t they know who I was?? I was told that we were sat at tables where we would likely have things in common with the other people. What, I wonder, might the five of us be expected to connect over?

To reclaim my standing as a good self-loathing Oreo, I made mention of how much I admired a painting on the other side of the room. It was a cheerful, brightly colored depiction of black people picking cotton. Saying that I liked this piece made it pretty clear that I wasn’t a regular black person as an RBP might ask the question of WTF was going through that rich white woman’s mind when she decided that she needed to buy a cartoon of slaves and hang it in her dining room.

But before I could form that question, I was distracted by the painting that hung on the wall just beside me–over the black table.

It was a painting of a watermelon slice.

Sigh. Sometimes even the best Oreo is lost for words.

And I should have known…I’ve gotten in trouble for not checking the roster before. I’ve also been duped by fancy parties before. Hmm, things to do for the new year—create Oreo Party Survival Guide…or maybe just get comfortable in my own skin…nah, we’ll go with the survival guide!

Luckily, there was enough fois gras and Scandinavian holiday pictures to share to distract me until it was time to take the shuttle back down to my car where I reflected not on how oddly placed the pictures were…but more on how being rich looks really effing awesome. A sidewalk to front door shuttle? Really? C’mon!

I can almost see their house from here!

What kind of party would you throw with unlimited funds? Do you have any art at home that might be suspect? Let us know in the comments.

Hey look, it’s me throwing a Christmas party!…just in case you haven’t had the chance to see it yet. 😉

******

For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
And subscribe on youtube! (Check the youtube page for the brand new music video “White (on the inside) Christmas!”
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

White (on the inside) Christmas!

Like everyone, Oreos have some time-honored and special holiday traditions. Get a taste of an Oreo-tastic holiday here!

Diary of a Mad Black White Woman – Chicken and Waffles and Shame

I wonder if this restauranteur would have understood.

Dear Diary,

I guess I had it coming.

I did break an Oreo rule and consent to having a late night dinner at the RBP hangout Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles. But I was in the company of four non-colors, I thought I was safe. I thought for sure that everyone would see me for who and what I really am.

Sam, Chris and Steve parked first and put our names in at the door. At Roscoe’s, you cannot take a table until all members of your party are there. I was still looking for a parking space with Jason, so we were the two lagging behind.

(Ugh! That means I was late–another RBP thing! Man was I off my game)

Jason and I finally got to the door and Sam went up to the host.

“Our party’s all here now.”

The boys stood in a semi-crescent shape and I was standing in the middle of them, feeling safe and secure and protected by my blanchetourage.

The host looked me right in the eye, pointed at me, smiled and motioned for me to come towards him.

“And what party are you with? How many are you?”

I looked back to the boys, dumbfounded…and then I realized.

He didn’t think I was an Oreo hanging out with comedians after a late night show. He thought I was…an RBP, waiting to go inside and meet more of colors for a late night transfat celebration.

Luckily Sam came to the rescue, as I was too shocked to speak, and answered for me.

“She’s with us. Like I said, we’re all here now.”

The gears slowly turned in the host’s head, but he finally got it. Just in case he was still unclear, I did ask him where the “loo” was and if he knew how close we were to the Getty, the Museum of Modern Art and  the Equestrian Center.

Working in restaurants can be really stressful–I’ve seen Hell’s Kitchen and Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares! So I suppose I can grant him some leniency. What are your best/worst restaurant experiences? Let us know in the comments!

Click here for the time I turned this sitch around to avoid a line. Or to see the time the gmail stepped over the line.

******

For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!