It’s taken me a long time to admit this. I’m not proud, in fact, I’m embarrassed.
People say it’s not my fault. That I’m blessed in so many other ways. That something like this could happen to anybody
It’s come to my attention. That somewhere along the line, I’ve contracted Angry Black Lady Face.
I don’t know how this happened. I’ve been so careful. I always use protection. I lay pencils in between my teeth at night to train my cheek muscles to always be in a fully upright and stored position. When walking alone, I often quote old English Chaucer, which is nearly impossible to do without screwing your face into a smile.
But then sometimes, I’m careless and this is what happens. You come down with ABLF.
I first realized I had Angry Black Lady Face when I noticed that children never offer to sell me Girl Scout Cookies. And people outside of Trader Joe’s never try to get me to sign petitions.
There I am, leaving with my humus medley and fennel bulbs and my rosemary marcona almonds tucked securely under my arm. I hear the siren song of the (paid) idealist:
“Excuse me! Do you have 5 minutes for net neutrality!”
“Excuse me! Do you have 5 minutes for marriage equality!”
“Excuse me! Do yo--”
And then they meet my eyes. And their cause fades away.
I try walking towards them in an open and affirming way. But they look past me, safely into the middle distance.
It’s a shame that I have Angry Black Lady Face because I am the least black lady of all the ladies. Lady Mary Crawley is more black lady than I am… as evidenced by the fact that I just made a Downton Abbey reference. And used the phrase “as evidenced by.”
It’s also a shame because I am at Trader Joe’s a LOT! Love Diet Hansen’s Ginger Ale. I walk past about 30 thousand petitioners a week. Think of the good I could do.
Just for the record, my ABLF is just my Thinking Face. Usually thinking one of these things:
- Why didn’t my Radiolab podcast update this week?
- Ugh. I was supposed to do a leg yield from A to X but did a passage instead. Stupid!
- Is it too late to get tix to see Gone With The Wind in Imax?
- How much Speculoos is too much Speculoos?
- What is my favorite Belle and Sebastian song?
- Imaginary friends are totally normal. Totally.
- You know what, I’m not even sad that I spend half my life in Spanx. It’s like being hugged all day long.
- I love having pets, but am kind of afraid it makes me a mini-terrorist. You take an infant from its family without explaining yourself. You make it poop in front of you. Then when it gets sick or old, you just kill it.
- Grrr, seriously. Why is my Cosmos podcast crashing my phone! Do not eff with me deGrasse Tyson. Not with me.
Do you have Angry Black Lady Face? Or it’s alleles: Resting Bitch Face? Studious Asian Face? Always Sad Eyes? Smiling But You’re Not Really Smiling Smile? How do you cope? Did I use “alleles” correctly? Send us a picture or let us know about it in the comments!
Remember, there is no cure for ABLF. But there is hope.