Trailer Talk

Trailer Trashing

Fresh off the heels of the most prestigious of Hollywood award shows, the Oscars (this year, simply and dramatically dropping the “the” and going by “Oscar”), I’m excited

NPH can be my fairy godhottie any day. Yup, "fairy godhottie." I said it.

to start looking at this year’s movies and dreaming of all the things I could be…if I, you know weren’t so browny.

Movies are a great way to solidify your Oreo experience. The repeated images of certain types of people doing certain types of things really reminds us who we are and who we can…or probably cannot be.

So let’s see what’s opening this weekend!

The Adjustment Bureau – Matt Damon can’t follow simple directions.

Stuff White People Do In This Movie: Run for Senate, stare longingly, drop their accents, get flustered, live in New York, read books at coffee shops, take public transport, goof off in the street, enchant men, spoon, creep in people’s bedrooms, have really cool tech, control men’s fates, dance ballet, watch ballet, fall desperately in love,

Stuff Non-White People Do In this Movie: Well, there is one black guy in the trailer…he doesn’t speak and it looks like he’s gonna cut a bitch.

And seriously, New York movies, not even any of color extras?

***UPDATE – I just read in The Hollywood Reporter that Anthony Mackie has a “substantial” role in this movie. Why keep that a secret, trailer?

Beastly – Cute guy gets turned into a magically deformed guy and—OMGNPH!!

Stuff White People Do In This Movie: pull ups, look hot and talk about how hot they look, win the praise of the masses, have magical powers, live with a disability, beat the moral into the ground, look deeper, build greenhouses, like flowers,

Stuff Non-White People Do In this Movie: Well, there’s one at at table for a second, but she also doesn’t speak.

The best thing about this movie other than its anglo-tasticness, the fact that if this goes according to the story of Beauty and the Beast, the girl gets a SUPER HOT GUY in the end even though she likes him when he’s not hot…which means that the moral of the story is the beauty is still the ultimate prize. (oh, and douchebag guy still gets SUPER HOT GIRL after enduring a couple of bad days as a not hottie). Also, the dude doesn’t look ugly, he just looks like he’s really into bodmod.

Take Me Home Tonight – Topher Grace needs to let go.

Stuff White People Do In This Movie: Have overbearing parents, have unrealistic crushes, have crappy jobs, have silly shenanigans, breakdance, swim, dance badly, have adventures under the song “Straight Outta Compton,” let fear get in the way, help guys believe in themselves.

Stuff Non-White People Do In this Movie: Do not appear.

Why do I work so hard at being not-black???  Because as you can see, the not-blacks get to have such an awesome diversity of experiences!! So here’s the question…. if I do all of the above, will I finally ascend into whiteness? Or am I simply not eligible for the above?

And when cameras are rolling on these alabaster casts, do you think that the crew breathe a sigh of relief the way I do when I look around the barn during my dressage lessons? Or are they the least bit concerned that something’s gone…awry? I mean, with no people of color on screen, how the hell do you decide who gets killed first?

For a look at more movie trailer magic, click here!

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Teasing Through Teasers

Though I came by my Oreo-ness honestly (what choice did I have when my mom was an accountant, Dad was a chemical engineer and they listened to more NPR than Nat

Being brown's tough, but he makes the most of it.

King Cole), my decision to set aside ethnicity was solidified when I started watching movies and TV. On screen, the non-colors looked like they led such more intersting lives than of colors!

And movies today don’t let me down!  Even from the trailers, you can totes tell how much more exciting it is when you can shed your melanin!

How Do You Know – Reese Witherspoon can’t figure out what she wan–My GOD, Paul Rudd is handsome

  • Stuff Non-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – wear cute dresses, have doormen, give people their space, compare themselves against the status quo, ride Segways, get indicted, find old flames, have complicated relationships, play baseball, wonder what love is all about, be really crass, add a twist of lemon to their cute cocktails, run from what they want, run toward what they want, stop traffic.
  • Stuff Of-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – Represent on the baseball team….I’d say this guy was an Oreo b/c he’s the only of color on the team (and in the movie?)…but it is a baseball team. I’d be more impressed with his Oreoness if it was lacrosse or hockey.
  • 

Tron: Legacy – Man Finds Himself Through Video Games

  • Stuff Non-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – Struggle with memories, refuse to wait around, ride motorcycles, own businessses, reveal information long held secret, develop cool tech, glow in the dark, have zero percent body fat, fly, strut.
  • Stuff Of-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – hey is that guy– oh, no, he’s not. That was just dark lighting and a beard.

I suppose it makes sense. This is a movie about a guy who goes inside of a video game. They’re already asking us to suspend our disbelief pretty heavily. Let’s not muddy it up by having of colors inside that video game. It’s make believe, not complete crazytown.

Casino Jack – Kevin Spacey is a bad mf-er
 

  • Stuff Non-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – be fancy rich, play golf, count their money, bend the rules, report the news, be chauffered.
  • Stuff Of-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – take a photograph, be disenfranchised, take another photograph.

Yogi Bear – Hmm, didn’t realize there was a market for this film.

  • Stuff Non-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – go camping, work in national parks.
  • Stuff Of-Colors Seem To Do In This Movie – n/a

 Wow! Even a talking bear with an eating disorder and boundary issues has more fun than of colors. It’s clear which life I’d rather have. Here’s to resolving to be an even better Oreo next year!

******

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Teasing from Teasers

Happy he's not an RBP

Playing with a new title, because that’s exactly what teasers do…Fun little pokes in the ribs to remind you of fantasy and fun. Teasers definitely tease the Oreo by showing them exactly what they’re working toward and what — with enough wassail-laced hoilday caroling parties and overtimes at hockey games — might be theirs!

Let’s take a look at what’s opening this weekend and see what we learn about how much more fun it is to not be an RBP (click here for definition).

The Chronicles of Narnia  – Voyage of the Dawen Treader: The wardrobe kids are at it again

  • Stuff White People Seem Do In This Movie – join the military, reprimand their brothers, fell out of place in the real world, nearly drown in a painting, sail beautiful ships, look like Keanu Reeves, be evil, be good, dream of what could be. 
  • Stuff Black People Seem Do In This Movie – Do not appear. And I guess that makes sense. There probably weren’t a ton of people in that era of that part of England. You know, the era where paintings came to life and kids were besties with lions.
  • 

The Tourist – Europe is Sexy and Dangerous and Sexy!

  • Stuff White People Seem To Do In This Movie – have sexy affairs, wear sexy dresses, wear sexy suits, have sexy accents, drive sexy boats, flutter their sexy bedroom eyes, get caught up in sexy adventures of mistaken identity.
  • Stuff Black People Seem To Do In This Movie –

I guess it’s to be somewhat expected. I mean, people tend to make movies about themselves, starring themselves. The Tourist director, Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck is German, so it makes sense that he’d make a movie about vaguely British people played by Americans with affected accents.

The Fighter – Marky Mark and Christian Bale – effing tough and effing hot.

  • Stuff White People Seem To Do In This Movie – joke around with their siblings, box, train hard, have daughters, have difficult families, have dreams, train boxers, work in bars, insult women, defend women, lose the fight, lose hope, make sports deals, turn their backs on their families, go to jail, reconcile with their families, triumph.
  • Stuff Black People Seem To Do In This Movie – pose an intimidating threat, beat the shit out of the hero, get beaten by the hero, work in jail.
  • 

The Tempest – Oh, Julie Taymor with your eccentricities

  • Stuff White People Seem To Do In This Movie – conjure storms and fire, sail ships, be spirits, fall in love, perform Christopher Marlowe’s Shakespeare’s comedy, take revenge, make potions, turn into birds, dress in drag, enjoy a little homoeroticism, dance like nobody’s watching.
  • Stuff Black People Seem To Do In This Movie – I’m not sure exactly, but he seems to be giving advice or having a mud bath go terribly wrong.

Hmmm, maybe I should add “actor” to the list of jobs that it’s cool for an Oreo to have.

Seeing anything this weekend? What’ll it be?

Also, not to be a bad Oreo, but the last time I read Shakespeare, it kind of made my head explode. I remember it being so easy in high school. What happened? (Though I make up for it a bit in this video.) When I go back and check out The Scarlet Letter, will I be equally as surprised at how not-easy it is to skim through?

Trailer Talk

It's "Black Swan"...not Blaaaack Swizan

Nothing makes me want to shed my ethnicity like going to the movies. Soooooo jealous of all the fun white people get to have. At the same time, however, it lets me know that be loathing the skin I’m in, I’m on the right track. I mean, I saw the trailer for For Colored Girls. Yikes! Being a Regular Black Person (RBP for the newbies) looks really hard and sad and scary and seems to make you way more likely to cut a bitch.

And I don’t want to cut any bitches.

Taking a look at the movies opening this week (and some from last since I missed an entry) to see what best firms up my commitment to being an Oreo!

Black Swan – Ballet, Portman and girl-on-girl love, oh my!

  • Stuff White People Do In This Movie – talk to themselves, dance ballet, be overbearing, hold lavish parties, create competition, go en pointe, take advantage, take baths, take off running, shapeshift.
  • Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – n/a…I mean, have you seen the way RBP dance? Definitely would not fit in with this movie.

All Good Things – Ryan Gosling tries to escape his complicated, tortured past

  • Stuff White People Do In This Movie -wear tuxes with huge bowties, arrive mysteriously, have dinner with friends, play tennis, visit the other side of the tracks, get married, disapprove of weddings, enjoy lakeside chats, get caught up in the family business, dramatically remove glasses.
  • Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – Do not appear, though I suspect there might be one at one of those parties serving drinks or parking cars.

Dead Awake -Best I can tell, there’s a mystery…and death…and skip-bleach processing

  • Stuff White People Do In This Movie – Pensively watch home movies, relieve events, trap loved ones, see ghosts, get admitted to hospitals, yell, cry, walk precariously on the edge of buildings.
  • Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – do not appear

I Love you, Phillip Morris -Jim Carey looks pretty decent in briefs.

  • Stuff White People Do In This Movie – be lawyers, be judges, be charming white collar criminals, have families, play in the grocery store, fall in love, wear yellow n jail, golf, have pets, get in over their heads, have unusually understanding spouses, crossdress.
  • Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – populate the prison, work as a prison guard, work as a mover.

I think it’s neat that on the streets, in the courtroom and at the grocery store there are no black people. Why? Well, you see that once they get to the jail…that’s there the RBP are!

Night Catches Us – Oh look, here are some black people in a movie. Wonder what they’ll do!

  • Stuff White People Do In This Movie – frisk an RBP.
  • Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – get into bar fights, explain their absence, be loathe to forgive, get handcuffed–shirtless, look lovely on a porch swing, be Black Panthers, carry handguns, threaten their friends, carry rifles, shoot firearms at children, try to explain things to their children, run for cover, wipe prints off handguns.

Holyeffingyikes, being of color is rough and scary!

The Warriors Way – Ninjas V. Cowboys?

I tried to say some snarky stuff about this one, but it kinda looks really badass….No black people, though. And I guess, sure there weren’t too many black folks in the Old West, but there weren’t flying ninjas, either.

Why does this matter to Oreos? Well, whether we like it or not, people are very much affected by what they see on TV. It’s why advertising works. So to remind us over and over that of colors are at best marginal players and at worst criminals, it really helps those of us trying to hide our true colors find better and better hiding places.

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For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!