race

Talking Vagina Hands Are Big Douchebags

Huzzah! Summer’s Eve found a way to make women hate both their skin colors and their lady junk!

But BOO! Thanks to Fourth Estate outrage, the ads were pulled.

Yup. That's what Summer's Eve thinks a vagina looks like.

The douche company (literally, that’s not a slam) put out a series of ads where hands pretend to be vajayjays and extol the virtues of their completely unnecessary product that dangerously changes the ph levels inside of a very sensitive area leading to fun things like yeast infections and thus even more self-loathing while taking on the persona of various ethnicities, of course speaking with completely accurate, non-stereotype-tastic vernacular. I mean, when my squish mitten talks to me, it always says “Girrrrrrl” first.

I don’t think an ad campaign has made me shudder about my skin so much since McDonald’s PR geniuses said this on their website.

Like the unique African Baobab tree, which nourishes its community with its leaves and fruit, McDonald’s has branched out to the African-American community nourishing it with valuable programs and opportunities.

Highlights of the videos included an African American pudding hatch gettin’ ready to go to da club and a Latino yippee bog saying things like “Ay yi yi” in an accent Speedy Gonzalez would be proud of.

And don’t worry, Blanchetourage members, they didn’t leave you out. The white ham wallet like totes wants to be BFFs!

The vids aren’t avail on youtube anymore, but thanks to Adweek.com, you can watch them here. Please do. It’s a real treat. Don’t worry, I’ll wait…

UPDATE: A friend (who may or may not choose to remain nameless) found one of the vids on yt! Here it is. Until further notice (ie. more of my friends do the hard work for me), check out the other two vids at the link above.

NEW UPDATE: Summer’s Eve pulled the videos again and again, but here they are!! Again, courtesy of Adweek.com

Summer’s Eve may not know how to take care of ladies’ bodies, but at least they’re helping make more Oreos! If after watching the video any new converts have questions, start here and send me a message letting me know you’re in!(Special thanks to Bloodhound Gang for writing the following song and thus contributing largely to this post)

To see an ad make forced labor look like high fashion, check out this post.

And for another video requisite for Oreo training, click here.

What do you think of these vids? Did Summer’s Eve make the right move by pulling them? What does it imply they were made in the first place?

And in case there’s a fave euphemism of yours that I was not able to use above, let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Oreo Road Trip! 3 More Places to Feel Really Awkward About Being Black

Being an Oreo (or supporting a friend in their Oreo journey) requires regular visits to places that make you pretty bummed out about not being white.

We talk about how going to the movies can achieve this.  Spending time with the right friends and co-workers can, too.

But if you feel like doing a bit of driving (in your Oreo-approved Mini Cooper–the originals, not the new ones that obliterate the purpose of being mini by being the size of a totally regular car– or on your Vespa) here are three places to check out on your journey away from your ethnicity.

DAVE AND CHANTAL’S HOUSE

What Will You See There?  Pictures of their recent South African wedding (awwwww!)…where they chose a “colonial”  theme (awwww—okaaaaay) and to round out the effect, and made sure that all the all-white crowd was attended to by a fleet of all black servants–just like in the good ol’ colonial days!!! (awwwwwkward!!!)

The smiles were as genuine as the nostalgia

*Bonus points if you hang out with the wedding coordinator who, upon hearing this idea seconded it and unembarrasedly put out an employment notice requesting the specialized staff.

PLANTATION CHAPELS

What Will You See There?  Beautiful homes (awwwwww!) that were home to wealthy wealthy slave-owners (awww–kaaaay) and where slave quarters are kept in preserved, working conditions (awwwwwkward!!)

Well, black families did do really well on plantations, right Bachmann?

*Bonus points if you don’t skip the Confederate flag as a commentator who was mentioned in this article on the trend suggested.

THE PINKBERRY NEAR MY HOUSE

What Will You See There? I mentioned recently that a very helpful employee at my local Pinkberry suggested that out of all the flavors available, I might like watermelon the best. I decline and went with my staple mango and original tart.

I thought this was a one time thing, but no! I went back and the conversation went very similarly:

Pinkberry Worker: What can I get for you?

OreoExperience: Mango and original tart, please.

Pinkberry Worker: Watermelon?

OreoExperience: Mango and original tart, please.

Pinkberry Worker: Oh, okay. Oh.. are you with them?

I turned around and saw another black family at the back of the store. They entered about 3 minutes after I did. We hadn’t spoken to each other and our body language was in no way open towards each other (thanks for following the rules, btw, Other Black People!). Surely he couldn’t’ have meant them.

OreoExperience: Who?

Pinkberry Worker: Them.

He did.

OreoExperience: No.

Pinkberry Worker: Okay…. I’m sorry, did you say wa–

OreoExperience: Mango

For toppings, I'll take yogurt chips, kiwi slices and just a spoonful of embarassment

*Bonus Points if you keep going back to this Pinkberry….like I do.

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Where are your favorite places to road-trip, awkward or otherwise? Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Trying to Get Sassy…winning?? (VIDEO)

As much as I’m glad that I’m not an RBP, I do appreciate some of the ways they use language.

Of course, I must approve the use of verse much like the bard

…but I also get that being sassy just sounds super cool sometimes. Here’s my trying to sass it up a bit. Let me know what you think!

Do you have an accent? Do you like accents? Tell us about it in the comments!

Oreos A – Z: B is for ….

We all know the basic concept of the Oreo – someone who’s black on the outside, but white on the inside.  What you may not know is that there really are a lot of intricacies involved in becoming, being and living a fulfulling life as an Oreo. The bi-weekly feature, “Oreos A – Z” will help keep you up to date and on your best Oreo behaviour.

B is for British

B is for British
The accent of choice
An Oreo should always have
A posh lilt in their voice

 To highlight the fact that an Oreo does not speak with an Ebonic dialect, it is imperative to use accents that are as different as possible from those used by RBPs. The accents of Britain are a great place to start! A well-versed Oreo will be able to switch into the various types of British accents on a whim.  These include, but are not limited to: Posh, Londoner, NPR, Dublin, Northern Ireland, Standard Scottish, Southern Scottish, Mid Wales, Cumbrian, Geordie, Cockney Slang, Jasper Carrot and Shropshire.

Using the correct British slang is cute, cheeky and delightfully Oreo, innit tho!

Here is a brief tutorial on how to emulate a brilliant bloke!

Check out this post for more on using the correct lingo, stay caught up on the Oreo A – Z basics and enjoy these conversations with WhitePal where The Oreo Experience tries to figure out what the f he’s saying: Blood on the Toaster, wigger, monkeys.

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And subscribe on youtube! (Check the youtube page for the brand new music video “White (on the inside) Christmas!”
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Always Use Protection – 5 Ways to Avoid Kwanzaa

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

The next five days are dangerous ones for Oreos. Today is the second day of Kwanzaa and the “holiday” doesn’t end until Jan. 1.

Kwanzaa, or “a celebration of family, community and culture” (according to its website), began long ago was invented in 1966 by Dr. Maulana Karenga (who lives in Chatsworth, CA, btw). The day is meant to celebrate (according to the website) the “best of being African and human). And to be fair, Ngoza Saba–or seven principles of Kwanzaa are actually not that bad. Who couldn’t use a little unity, self-determination, collective work and responsibility, collective economics, purpose, creativity and faith?

But look at it. It’s obviously suuuuuuper black and makes people as uncomfortable as they are when they realize that Christmas carols are really on the nose and don’t mince words about that whole Jesus Christ business.

So a good Oreo must take care to avoid any semblance of having any ties to the holiday. Here are some ways to make sure your end of year is Oreo-tastic and Kwanzaa free!

1. Always have at least a small blanchetourage in tow. This goes without saying as Oreos are always in the company of their white friends. But during Kwanzaa, it is doubly important to be flanked by some non-colors so that no one accidentally offers you a slice of benne cake or dollop of okra.

2. Avoid wearing red, green and black and/or any combination thereof. These three colors are the ones used in the kinara — the Kwanzaa menorah. Decorating your space or person with these colors is just asking for trouble. As is wearing clothes with complicated patterns that might be mistaken for African clothing. Instead, try some nice pastels or the colors from your yacht club’s crest or your family’s tartan.

3. Replace tapered candles with tea candles. The kinara is traditionally filled with long, tapered candles. Regardless of color, take the ones from your centerpieces out and replace them with smaller, less suspicious candles.

4. Keep real menorahs on display. This may seem contrary to the advice above, but it will give you a great opportunity to see if your other Oreo efforts are working. If they are working, guests will immediately recognize the candles correctly. If not, they may ask you if you are celebrating Kwanzaa. While this will sting, it will also remind you to keep that black in check.

5. Should the worst happen, confront it with a smile. If someone does stop you on the street and wish you a good Kwanzaa, do not lash out at them or cry. That will be confusing. Instead, say something like, “Oh, is it Kwanzaa, I just got back from wintering in Banff and I had no idea.” They’ll get the point.

Finally, should someone give you a Kwanzaa gift, do keep it. It’s rude to refuse. You can always return it for a nice table wine or Criterion Collection version of Gone With The Wind.

For more ways to get out of tricky situations, check out this post on eating chicken, this one on saying the n-word, or this one on how to save face when you’re face to face with another Oreo.

What are some holiday traditions–either celebrated en masse or by your own family that you love/can’t stand? Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)

CNN Goofs

After a recent segment about a 103-year-old RBP, CNN wrapped the piece by playing the n-word using Coolio song Fantastic Voyage.

The network immediately apologized.

As they should have.

If you’re going to play an RBP off, you have to go whole hog. Don’t wimp out with Coolio.  Try a little Soldier Soulja Boy or Luda. The shock from something as gross as Superman or as stupid as Kiss Me Through the Phone or as please-kill-me as My Chick Bad will push us much farther away from the RBP than just one drop of the n-word. (clip below contains it, so if you’re in your cubicle, volume down).

Cop Claims “A Black Guy Shot Me”; Makes Case for Better Hair

We’ve talked here before about how important it is to wash, rinse and repeat the ethnicity out of one’s hair with a relaxer. But

Relaxed hair is not just easier to go into the pool with; it's your safety net!

now, thanks to a friend in Philly, we can see why in shocking detail.

The short story is, this cop was ticked off about his new beat. So, instead of filing a complaint or updating his resume on Monster, he did was made the most logical sense…he shot himself in the shoulder, then told his buddies that a black guy did it.

A cop had been shot; a manhunt was on. The block was cordoned off with yellow tape. Cops and SWAT teams fanned the streets. K-9 units scoured through brush. Some businesses were forced to close for five hours.

“The cops were questioning everybody,” Potts, 57, recalled.

Sgt. Robert Ralston, a 21-year veteran and father of five, said he’d been shot on patrol by a black man with “cornrows” and a “mark or tattoo under his left eye.”

Yesterday, the Overbrook neighbors were outraged to learn that it was all a lie.

This is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Don’t like what you just did? Tell friends and neighbors that some black dude was responsible and soon the police tape goes up, few questions asked and you can get off pretty much scott free. Soon, your conscience will catch up to you and/or the lack of evidence will become clear, but not before you’ve enjoyed a few more minutes of freedom.

What makes this case a perfect reminder for proper hair care is that the cop told his friends that a guy with cornrows was his attacker. Cornrows are an obvious ethnic style worn by both men and women. And so, innocents with tightly braided hair were being stopped and questioned. But, any Oreos on the scene would have been left alone. With long, flowing locks of hair flapping in the breeze, from a distance, with a turtleneck and long sleeves on, Oreos might actually just look like curvy brunettes.

So keep that salve simmering on your scalp, kiddies. It will make the ride home much, much easier.

Oh, and for creating the stir that lost businesses money, kept people from their homes and scared the shit out of some innocents, you’ll be happy to know that Sgt. Ralston will not be criminally charged.

For more examples of how you can blame RBP for things you did…check out this list, courtesy of NewsOne.