Month: July 2012

On Being Short Sighted

For those who were there, this might sound familiar. For those who weren’t, this is a story I shared at The Moth a few weeks back. The theme of the night was “Small World” 

I hate to admit it, but there was a time when I totally let a guy’s height influence whether or not I would date him.

I date online. As you do these days. And the vast majority of the messages that turn up in my inbox consistent entirely of a: “Hey” or a “You’re sexy.” or a “Do you date Mexican guys?”

Is it weird that I get that same question at job interviews?

So when I get an actual email with actual words in it, I get very excited. And this one guy’s email had actual words and actual phrases, so I was very excited.

I clicked on over to his profile for a quick “any signs of crazy” check. And for the most part, things looked good.

I looked at his main picture–a headshot. He was no Ryan Reynolds, but I am also not Ryan Reynolds, so that was okay. He had a job and was pretty articulate and a little funny, so hooray. I wrote him back.

He wrote me back that same night and his email actually made me laugh out loud, so I was extra excited! But before I was going to invest the next 7 minutes writing him an email, I decided I should spend another hour or so over-analyzing his profile and potentially talking myself out of a perfectly nice thing, as you do.

Back on his profile, there were some flags. He was a smoker. Not a deal breaker per se, but not ideal for me. He had a job, but he didn’t seem to have many big aspirations. I’m a very ambitious person, so I kinda want to date someone who gets that part of me. He was a little cynical, which is fine, but I’m prone to feeling needlessly upset about things, so I’m kinda looking for someone a little naturally more positive.

The epitome of positivity.

But then one sentence caught my eye.

“The box is correct. I am that short.”

The “box” is a list of personal bullet points–sign, religion, pets, kids, height. For his height, it said “4 feet.”

I clicked on the picture tab to see all of his shots. He was correct. Dude was a dwarf. He wasn’t just a “smaller guy” or “someone with a slight frame.” He probably had paperwork somewhere about his height. And as I looked at his pictures, one thought kept running through my head. I realized…I don’t know any dwarves. Ohmygod, I DON’T KNOW ANY DWARVES!!!

(remember the part about me feeling needlessly bad about things)

And I started to panic about why I didn’t know any dwarves. Was I accidentally racist…or whatever…about dwarves? All of my friends are totally regular-bodied. I don’t have any friends in wheelchairs or who are deaf. I’ve got a couple of Crohn’s sufferers, but only one of them is missing any of her intestines, and I think she’s only missing like an inch or so. I had no idea I was so close-minded!

I also started so see this guy’s profile in a whole new light.

Of COURSE he’s a smoker, OreoExperience. It’s probably been very stressful being a dwarf, I’d probably be a smoker, too! And so he’s a little unambitious. So what? You know what’s probably insanely difficult, OreoExperience? Getting the leverage necessary to do brain surgery on a rocket ship when you’re only 48 inches tall! Oh, and he’s a little cynical. Give the guy a break, OreoExperience, how do you think you’d feel about the world if every day someone probably asked you if you knew Peter g-damn Dinklage! As much as you hate to admit it, you’re a minority, too! You know what it’s like to be judged on how you look. Why don’t you give the guy a break and go out with him?!?!?

For the record, I loved the Dinklage long before Winter ever came.

So I happily wrote him back and I started to fantasize about the beautiful, progressive relationship we’d have. How we’d become UN Ambassadors for love and change the world through our tiny, cafe au lait colored children.

But then I got his response. And it was a little much. Like three pages a little much. And rambly. And spent maybe too many words describing how often he gets distracted at work because he’s too busy constructing fantasy lives for all his clients instead of just listening to them.

So I didn’t write him back.

But not because he was short. But because he was crazy.

Which might make me a jerk. But at least I’m not racist…or whatever.

Tom and Katie: 4 Reasons Breaking Up is Great to Do

Like many of you, I was shocked and saddened to hear that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes 6-year performance art piece marriage is ending. Having gone through such a split myself, I know what a tough, confusing time it can be.

I mean, there were no signs that this wouldn’t be a perfect fairy tale.

But like with every grey cloud, bump in the road or bucket full of lemons, there is a silver lining, another path and a hapless passerby to chuck the bucket at.

Divorce isn’t all bad. Just because all your hopes and dreams for the future have been dashed against a rock much bigger than the one you naively put on your finger, doesn’t mean it can’t be a great time in your life. Here are a few things that make those rivers of tears and awkward changes of facebook statuses totally worth it.

  • You get to count your blessings….And then list them one by one on a form for authorization. How many times do we say that we wish we had more time to just enjoy the things we’ve been working for? Well, when you get divorced, you get to enjoy each and every thing you’ve ever purchased ever as you catalogue it, wrap it up and then box it up before the movers get there.
  • You get better gifts. When you get married, people give you boring things like towels and storage ottomans and good wishes. When you get divorced, they give you booze.
  • You get to fit in. With a divorce rate hovering just over 50%, you don’t wanna be one of those assholes who rubs their perfect relationship in everyone’s faces, do you? Why do you wanna make everyone else feel bad you big bully? Plus, how are you supposed to understand every joke in every movie, television show and blog post ever if you’re like happy or something?
  • You get to meet new people. Between your attorneys, notaries and various officers of the court, your life is flooded with a host of new faces and maybe new friends. And who knows, if you play your cards right, you might be divorcing one of them before you know it!

I mean, you’re already dressed up, there’s a judge and an aisle to walk down. Why not just go for it?

What were the best things about your last breakup? Let us know in the comments!

For more surprising benefits of craptacular things, check out;

8 Other Awesome Things About Slavery

6 Reasons The Help Was The Best Movie Ever

1 Reason Disgusting Truffle Oil Was Worth The Trouble

For Mor-eo Oreo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!