police

Django Rechained – Makeout Sesh Gets Messy

This weekend I, like many of you, read about The Adventure of Django Unchained Actress Danielle Watts Out and About in Studio City.

If you haven’t heard about this yet, SPOILERALERT:

Watts was making out with her celebrity chef boyfriend in their car when they were approached by cops. They asked her for ID and asked questions intimating they thought she was a prostitute. When she didn’t hand over her ID, they handcuffed her, put her in the back of a squad car; and eventually released her.

Watts, in happier times. (source)

Watts, in happier times.
(source)

I read this story; and became very sad.

Because despite the best efforts of The Oreo Experience, Intl, LLC, ESQ, sometimes people forget some of the basics.

Danielle did a lot of things right (white boyfriend, hanging out in Tony neighborhood where the average home price is $1.1 million) but she also made some classic mistakes.

Can you spot them? I’ll give you a minute. Eyes on your own paper!

Answer carefully

Answer carefully

SFX: Girl from Impanema

Pencils down! Let’s see how you did. What did Ms. Watts do wrong? Here we go:

Short, natural hair.
Maintaining long hair as a woman of color takes a long time and goodly amount of dedication. Your long flowing locks will make it clear that you don’t have time to take on a second job as a prostitute. It’s also in line with pretty standard Western beauty standards. Showing that you’re not afraid to not conform also shows that you’re not afraid to not be breaking laws. When someone endures the time, money, and third-degree burns necessary to fit in perfectly, you can be much more assured that they don’t want to cause trouble.

NYC shirt
Sure New York City is home to great museums, priceless works of art and brilliant architecture. But it’s also super diverse and sung about by rappers. How are police supposed to know that you’re paying homage to The Big Apple because you really love Art Deco buildings or because you’re in line with Mr. Beyonce?

You can still wear shirts that announce one’s love of cities, just make sure they’re the right cities. For example, I love sporting my “Wisconsin is for me!” or “Omaha is lovely this time of year!” or “I sure do enjoy Salt Lake City” tees.

Colorful shorts.
Short shorts are totally ok, but we need to tone down the colors. The orange and purple and bold patterns are reminiscent of some African tribal prints (which I only know since I have done the scary research so that you don’t have to).

Didn’t show the cops her ID.
Look, just because there’s no law on the CA books that says you don’t have to carry ID with you if you’re not operating a motor vehicle. And just because California doesn’t have a Stop and Identify statute doesn’t mean a darn thing. Oreos are not interested in the “letter of the law,” we’re interested in “making other people feel comfortable.”

Expressed affection during daylight hours
Everyone knows that the best, safest, most secure and sincere way to show your love just how much you love them is in the dark. And maybe in separate beds. Pennings sonnets. Praying for redemption from your lust.

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What do you think? Justified stop or something else? Have you been pulled over for silly reasons? How did you get out of it? Or are you writing from jail? If you are writing from jail, it is one of those nicely lit ones like on OITNB; or one of the scary jails from that SpikeTV show JAIL?
Let us know in the comments!

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Cop Claims “A Black Guy Shot Me”; Makes Case for Better Hair

We’ve talked here before about how important it is to wash, rinse and repeat the ethnicity out of one’s hair with a relaxer. But

Relaxed hair is not just easier to go into the pool with; it's your safety net!

now, thanks to a friend in Philly, we can see why in shocking detail.

The short story is, this cop was ticked off about his new beat. So, instead of filing a complaint or updating his resume on Monster, he did was made the most logical sense…he shot himself in the shoulder, then told his buddies that a black guy did it.

A cop had been shot; a manhunt was on. The block was cordoned off with yellow tape. Cops and SWAT teams fanned the streets. K-9 units scoured through brush. Some businesses were forced to close for five hours.

“The cops were questioning everybody,” Potts, 57, recalled.

Sgt. Robert Ralston, a 21-year veteran and father of five, said he’d been shot on patrol by a black man with “cornrows” and a “mark or tattoo under his left eye.”

Yesterday, the Overbrook neighbors were outraged to learn that it was all a lie.

This is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Don’t like what you just did? Tell friends and neighbors that some black dude was responsible and soon the police tape goes up, few questions asked and you can get off pretty much scott free. Soon, your conscience will catch up to you and/or the lack of evidence will become clear, but not before you’ve enjoyed a few more minutes of freedom.

What makes this case a perfect reminder for proper hair care is that the cop told his friends that a guy with cornrows was his attacker. Cornrows are an obvious ethnic style worn by both men and women. And so, innocents with tightly braided hair were being stopped and questioned. But, any Oreos on the scene would have been left alone. With long, flowing locks of hair flapping in the breeze, from a distance, with a turtleneck and long sleeves on, Oreos might actually just look like curvy brunettes.

So keep that salve simmering on your scalp, kiddies. It will make the ride home much, much easier.

Oh, and for creating the stir that lost businesses money, kept people from their homes and scared the shit out of some innocents, you’ll be happy to know that Sgt. Ralston will not be criminally charged.

For more examples of how you can blame RBP for things you did…check out this list, courtesy of NewsOne.