CNN is the New Black

Sometimes, it’s hard to know exactly what to do and not to do to be an Oreo. But just when you’re wondering:

Want to know what black is? This lady will tell you. She knows. She does research

“Hmmm, does this credit card charge, Episcopalian service or my position on gender roles make me more or less black?”

Along comes CNN for telling us exactly what it is to be “Black in America”….so that we can avoid it completely!

I have only seen snippets of this “documentary series” and was excited to read Elon James White’s recap of it. (I know, I know, I’m reading a black blog. But his last name is “White” so that must help, right?) The link above takes you to his article. And here’s an excerpt:

I jokingly tweeted “Watching BIA 3 again because apparently I hate my eyes” but as one particular great white hope said “A lot truth is said in jest.” Having now watched Black in America twice I’ll try to paint a picture of last nights installment in the “This is how the Negroes work” series.

Thanks to CNN, I’ve been able to add to my list of things to avoid. Things that black people apparently do that are very very different than non-colors and things I will begin to shun in order to not lose the Oreo points I have painstakingly amassed.

Some are obvious, like the don’t rap or don’t have a drug dealer as a relative rule. But others are sneakier. Now it’s goodbye to using credit cards, dealing with college debt, contemplating spirituality. Because according to “Black in America” those are things unique to the of color experience.

And major Coconut points go to Soledad O’Brien, the Cuban/Australian journalist helming this series. One way to make yourself feel better about your own brownish heritage is to make others feel a little worse about theirs.

Hmm, I wonder if she’d take my pitch for “Oreo in America.”

For more ways to make sure that the person you’re talking to is an actual Oreo click here.

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CNN Goofs

After a recent segment about a 103-year-old RBP, CNN wrapped the piece by playing the n-word using Coolio song Fantastic Voyage.

The network immediately apologized.

As they should have.

If you’re going to play an RBP off, you have to go whole hog. Don’t wimp out with Coolio.  Try a little Soldier Soulja Boy or Luda. The shock from something as gross as Superman or as stupid as Kiss Me Through the Phone or as please-kill-me as My Chick Bad will push us much farther away from the RBP than just one drop of the n-word. (clip below contains it, so if you’re in your cubicle, volume down).

Left, Right and Children – Everyone helps to make more Oreos!

You know how worried I am that in post-racial America, I don’t have to spend nearly $200 a pop to get my hair straight or to not let anyone see me watching Waiting to Exhale on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

But thanks to Bill, Bill and dreamy dreamy Anderson, I know that I am on the right track and that distancing myself from RBP.

Here’s Bill O’Reilly telling a guest he looks like a drug dealer. And Oreo points to the dealer professor for a) going on The O’Reilly factor in the first place b) not being upset and c) adding a terrific punchline

Here’s Bill Maher explaining how the President should handle the oil spill.

And here’s some young Oreos in the making.

(in the spirit of fair and balanced coverage…I did start my career as a reporter, after all…if you click around the CNN page there, there are a handful of varied results…but they’re not all that varied)