comedy

Late Night Safety Lesson

I was out last night and had one of those experiences where you think: “Ohhhh, this is why I shouldn’t traipse around places at night by myself without a whistle or gun or something.”

Or maybe my own personal Adjustment Bureau

I was just walking and these four kids with their hats the the back and their baggy pants and swagger and teardrop tattoos and graffiti they were spraying on rocks came walking towards me. I’m pretty athletic, so I thought I could take them in a pinch. But I also thought: “This is why I came on a hike tonight. I did not come to the top of Mount Hollywood to run into people, much less thuggy people. There is a pretty sheer drop off, if they wanted to, I could never be found again.”

Moustache tattoos: Still says "grown up" but in a less murdery way.

Then I thought…wait, why are these kids on a hike? And I imagined their conversation  having gone something like this…

KID 1: Yo, what’re we gon’ do today?

KID2: I don’t know dude, tag that liquor store?

KID3: Sell some fake IDs?

KID4: Uhh, maybe visit some endangered species in their natural habitats and see if there’s anything the collective can do to make the environment a little better for everyone?

KID1: Yo! Who said that? That shit about nature. Special K, was that you?

KID4: Whatever, man.

KID1: Cuz I like the way you think. I just got a new Nalgene bottle and needed a place to use it!

KID2: Dude! Did you got to REI? Man you shoulda brought me, I got a Groupon for that shit!

And then I laughed. Out loud. While I was walking by myself. And wondered that in that moment, with me throwing my head back and grinning at no one, which one of us a third party would rather avoid. I kinda think it’s a tie.

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Deep Tan or Just Too Dark: How to Tell if Your Conversation Partner is Safe

As we know, per the Oreo code, it is imperative to limit conversations with other of colors. If you’re having a private chat, you risk talking about pertinent issues of race and sounding/feeling like a regular black person; and if you’re in public, you risk everyone assuming you’re talking about pertinent issues of race and thinking you’re an RBP.

But sometimes, black people have blonde hair and white people have tans.

...or terrible stylists

So, at times it can sometimes be hard to tell if that swarthy skier is of color or just southern European.

PS. if they use the word “swarthy” in casual convo, you’re probably safe.

This weekend, I ran into exactly this problem!

Things started off well. I went to mass. At an episcopal church. In Beverly Hills. My chances of running into an RBP were slim to none.

Did any of colors make it on to this show?

But then at the parish-sponsored mimosa brunch a struck up a conversation with a guy who was…probably white. But per his skin tone, could definitely be cast to play any number of innocuous ethnic characters on say Lost or Fringe. If you had told me he was Middle Eastern, Indian or Mexican, I would have believed you.

I had to know if I was in danger. So I employed these tricks to suss out the situation.

1. Verify name. Now that we mostly facebook instead of having conversations with people, asking someone for their full name is par for the course. If the accompanying last name ends in “–artinez” or “–mbutu” better cut that convo short and look for the nearest van Beveren or Lundegaard in the room.

2. Mention your travels and see if they react accordingly. Make sure you clarify the Oreoness of said travels. For example. NEVER say “I was in Africa this summer.” Yikes! What, were you checking out the homeland?? No, it’s “I was researching 5-star accommodations in Zimbabwe for a piece I’m writing for Travel + Leisure…” or “I was scouting for Arabian horses in South America…” If they react with familiarity to the locale, abort!

3. Ask someone else. Excuse yourself to the bathroom and on your way there or back, ask someone else in the room if they know where so-and-so is from. They’ll know. Why not just ask the person yourself, you ask? Well, that’s just impolite.

*Caution! You could be talking with a well-studied Oreo, Coconut or Phillipino Twinkie. So they may have all the right answers and still be technically of color. In that case, refer to these rules for how to conduct a convo with one of your own kind.

And if they turn out to be white, but are still a little hiphoppier than you are, check out these tips.

Oreo Origins: Sleeping With an Old Friend

I finally got around to watching Amadeus last night, (seriously, a lily-white film about classical music–how the eff had I not managed to see this yet?!).

If I could get away with dressing like this at work, I totally would.

Afterward, I changed the DVD, put in some Fawlty Towers turned the volume way down and fell asleep with John Cleese’s voice whispering softly in my ear.

“Coming, my little piranha fish.” “Well have the fire drill when I ring the fire bell.” “I think we’re just out of Waldorfs…”

The Monty Python guys were among my earliest Oreo influences. I remember hearing the lilting accents and specific timing coming from my parents’ bedroom. And I fell in love. Live at the Hollywood Bowl is one performance I wish I had been alive to see. I still can’t believe my mom didn’t flinch when she watched The Meaning of Life with me and the giant star vagina appeared on the screen. The Cheese Shop Sketch totally still makes me laugh. And I was totally having a fantasy of being cast in Spamalot as I was singing along on the drive home last night.

So thanks M and D for the early anglo influences. ‘Twoud not be the Oreo I am today without ’em!

But seriously, could have warned 8-year-old me about the star vagina. I think I was barely aware that I had a vagina, let alone that a whole universe could be stored up inside of one. (money shot is at 2:00 below and it’s just as creepy now!)

What got you excited and inspired when you were a kid? Do you like them as much now as you did then? Let us know in the comments!

Dove – Washing Away Dirt, Oil and Skin Tone – Yay

You remember Dove. The beauty brand that brought us the “love yourself as you are” ads like these:

Look how much fun it is to hang out in your undies with your multicultural best gal pals!!!

 

They also brought us this “don’t fall for the beauty myth” video:

Apparently, though, they still want to remind us that while you maybe okay with your off-model freckled self, freckles better be able to show up.

In this ad, the soap promises users “visibly more beautiful skin” and shows before and after pictures. Do note the women that the words “before” and “after” are over.


It’s this kind of subtle and not-at-all-a-point-of-concern-for-dove’s-well-paid-marketing-team messaging that I rely on to remind myself why I’m trying to hard to escape my ethnicity. Thanks, Dove. I can only hope the soap works as well at this ad says. Fingers crossed!!

 

Soccer: Oreo Approved or Oreo Avoidant?

Went to my first stateside soccer game this weekend with @catnick (ps…if you’re looking for an event or headshot

I'm sorry, was there a game going on?

photographer, follow and hire him immediately!). Several things occurred to me about the sport.

 

It’s a lot like terrible foreplay. Lots of tension, not a lot of release. There’s soooooo much action. 90 minutes of sweating and kicking and passing and bending..aaaand, you think it’s gonna happen…that they’re going to make it in, they’re right there, right there, right there, almost, almost alllll—nope, no score. Sunday’s game ended in a tie, so at least both teams got theirs. That seems fair.

I’m totally torn as to where to file this for Oreo-approved events. I made a list of pros and cons and much like yesterday’s game, it ends in a tie. What do you think?

Pro: Not a lot of black players. This isn’t football or basketball where every other guy on the ground is an RBP.

Con: A surprising number of black fans. Unlike when I attend hunter/jumper shows or a regatta, I definitely wasn’t the only brown face in the crowd. #uncomfy

Pro: There’s definitely something Euro-chic about saying you’re a soccer fan.

Con: Because it’s worldly, and since most of the people in the world are actually of some sort of color (poor things!), you run the risk of liking a team peopled by browns.

Pro: Soccer players, by my estimation, have the best physiques in sport. Strong but not too bulky, flexible and lithe, fast and quick. And they know how to do such cool things with their balls.

Con: I couldn’t help making the terrible joke above.

So what do you think? Do the cons outweigh the pros? I’ve never been a huge team sport fan and I’d love to find some group to pledge my allegiance to. What teams do you follow and what brought you to them?

Post Patrick’s Day Puzzling

Another reason for my Oreo-ness is how people love to celebrate any ethnic holiday other than any ethnic holiday having anything to do with being black.

 

Hmm, are you really or are you just looking to get some without much effort?

 

 

As I indulged in my one whisky and ginger last night, I looked at all the not-Irish people wearing “Kiss me, I’m Irish” shirts. All those of Scandinavian, Mexican, Eastern European descent drinking away, spouting bursts of gaelic and loving the celebration. And I realized nothing like this ever happens on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

 

...or on Thurgood Marshall Thursdays.

 

 

Man, the Irish had it right. I mean, they were oppressed and do you see them demanding a whole month and bemoaning their past. At one point, the Irish were called the n-words of Europe. But do they march in the streets during the entire month of March, interrupt our regularly scheduled programming with awkward documentaries, find themselves insulted when restaurants serve specials on corned beef and cabbage, get bummed out when America reduces centuries of Irish history into a handful of stereotypes and excuse to make bad decisions or get mad when people put on green face? No. They embrace it.

 

 

And make emotionally complex, corkscrew like movies.

 

 

Maybe if the blacks would shrink Black History Month into one day full of liquor they might have a better sell.

And, no, by “liquor”, I don’t mean 40s. We could class it up a bit. Whisky gingers are good for all occasions.

 

Seriously, this thing doesn't offend people? It's like the pickaninny of Western Europe.

 

 

 

Why Go White Reason #415 – Better Emails

One of the features on the dating site OkCupid is the regular posting of fairly detailed analyses of their members and their behaviours.

The post I read today largely talked about how white people get the majority of emails on OkCupid (and incidentally, that black users get the fewest). But the truth is that white people get the most message because the overwhelming majority of daters on OkC are white. And if you remove them from the equation, daters actually prefer to message people of their own race.

Clearly they have not asked me my opinion about this.

However, a piece of info at the bottom of the article caught my attention.

They sorted the reading level of the messages sent and found that if you’re white, you get smarter emails!! I want can haz smarter emails! I love smart emails! Use a word I don’t know around me and my clothes pretty much fall off.

They also found that if you’re brown, you get sent dumber emails. And if you’re brown and receive an email from another brown person, your emails are the dumbest of all! But if you’re white or Asian, those same emailers class it up a bit!! What gives?!

And I can attest to the dumb email thing. Here are some gems I’ve gotten recently both on OkC and off.

  • “OW looks great. Oreo or not, I would cuff her.” (I don’t even know what that means…cuff?? I’m assuming he doesn’t mean “arrest.” )
     

  • “Hey, do you like young guys just for fun.” (I suppose it depends on what kind of fun. Shakespeare festival? Vaudeville night [like the one I’m performing in this weekend], kayaking?)

  • “HI YOUR SO PRETTY WUD LUV TO GET WIT U I WERE LOOKING AT YOUR PICS HIT ME WHEN GET A CHANCE WaNNa HoLlA AT U” (wud–, I’m sorry, would he really love to get with me? He doesn’t even know me. How on earth could he even conceive of what a relationship with me would be like at this early stage in the game?)

  • “Sexxxy!!!” (There’s something in the brevity I suppose I can appreciate, but what it has in succinctity, it lacks in substance.”)

    • 

So what does this mean? Are the browns just self-sabotaging themselves? Or is this more proof that it’s just a delight to be white? That you can be a dating master if you’re alabaster? That you’ll totally win if you have fair skin?

Or just that I should now step away from rhymezone.com?

Let us know what you think in the comments!

And since I like to write about dating, here’s some more:

”

Here’s a link to the whole article.

What do you think?

Trying to Get Sassy…winning?? (VIDEO)

As much as I’m glad that I’m not an RBP, I do appreciate some of the ways they use language.

Of course, I must approve the use of verse much like the bard…

…but I also get that being sassy just sounds super cool sometimes. Here’s my trying to sass it up a bit. Let me know what you think!

Do you have an accent? Do you like accents? Tell us about it in the comments!

Black Friend Application

Black Friend Finder

A pal was glancing at my facebook photos and said, “wow, you really don’t have any black friends, do you?”

I got the feeling that he doubted the verisimilitude of my blog presence.

He was soundly corrected, but he did get me thinking. Maybe it is time I added another of color friend to join me around the wassail bowl this winter.

I was convinced this was the case this weekend when I shot a little short film that had a fairly large call for blacktors. It was actually kind of nice to reminisce about exactly which season of The Cosby Show had that weird-ass Calypso opening.

So, I need a new black friend. And thankfully, there’s an app for that.

An application that is.

Please pass this along to anyone you think might qualify. Or, if you’re of color, fill it out yourself. The winning friend and I will share Quiche recipes, swap Boxing Day memories and carpool to this year’s Dicken’s fair.

Bonus points goes to the referer of my new friend. If you refer a friend to me and s/he becomes the chosen one, you will receive a personalized anglo-tastic mix CD courtesy of yours truly!

The application is at the link below. Please email answers to oreo@theoreoexperience.com.

Good luck!

The link for the Black Friend Application is here for easy downloading and printing, or you can see the questions here:

 

The Oreo Experience Black Friend Application

 

 

Name:
Email:
Gate Code:

 Multiple Choice

 

1. Jack and Jill is

a)       a nursery rhyme
b)       an unfortunate name for twins
c)       potentially helpful, but should only be approached indirectly

 2)    It’s Sunday afternoon. Are you most likely to be:

a)       sipping cocktails at the yacht club
b)       standing on line for a J. Crew fire sale
c)       suiting up for an AKC training event
d)       slathering on the sunscreen—just in case

3)   Sex : Use Protection as Cornrows :

a)       Smile
b)       Dance
c)       Weep softly into your pillow

Short Answer

1. At what age and under what circumstances did you get your first relaxer?

 1A. Did that relaxer hurt: (circle one)

Exquisitely
So good
Hurt? I’m not tender-headed!

 2. Which HBCU makes you the most uncomfortable and why? (Bonus point will be award to your score if you do not know what HBCU stands for)

3. If your life had a soundtrack, which Broadway opening number would be yours and why?

4) Which character do you most relate to and why>

a)       Ashley
b)       India
c)       Rhett
d)       Scarlett

5) Have you ever cheated on the paper bag test? (If so, please describe method of cheating and any provide any tips).

6) And seriously, can you explain this?

Trailer Trashing

Fresh off the heels of the most prestigious of Hollywood award shows, the Oscars (this year, simply and dramatically dropping the “the” and going by “Oscar”), I’m excited

NPH can be my fairy godhottie any day. Yup, "fairy godhottie." I said it.

to start looking at this year’s movies and dreaming of all the things I could be…if I, you know weren’t so browny.

Movies are a great way to solidify your Oreo experience. The repeated images of certain types of people doing certain types of things really reminds us who we are and who we can…or probably cannot be.

So let’s see what’s opening this weekend!

The Adjustment Bureau – Matt Damon can’t follow simple directions.

Stuff White People Do In This Movie: Run for Senate, stare longingly, drop their accents, get flustered, live in New York, read books at coffee shops, take public transport, goof off in the street, enchant men, spoon, creep in people’s bedrooms, have really cool tech, control men’s fates, dance ballet, watch ballet, fall desperately in love,

Stuff Non-White People Do In this Movie: Well, there is one black guy in the trailer…he doesn’t speak and it looks like he’s gonna cut a bitch.

And seriously, New York movies, not even any of color extras?

***UPDATE – I just read in The Hollywood Reporter that Anthony Mackie has a “substantial” role in this movie. Why keep that a secret, trailer?

Beastly – Cute guy gets turned into a magically deformed guy and—OMGNPH!!

Stuff White People Do In This Movie: pull ups, look hot and talk about how hot they look, win the praise of the masses, have magical powers, live with a disability, beat the moral into the ground, look deeper, build greenhouses, like flowers,

Stuff Non-White People Do In this Movie: Well, there’s one at at table for a second, but she also doesn’t speak.

The best thing about this movie other than its anglo-tasticness, the fact that if this goes according to the story of Beauty and the Beast, the girl gets a SUPER HOT GUY in the end even though she likes him when he’s not hot…which means that the moral of the story is the beauty is still the ultimate prize. (oh, and douchebag guy still gets SUPER HOT GIRL after enduring a couple of bad days as a not hottie). Also, the dude doesn’t look ugly, he just looks like he’s really into bodmod.

Take Me Home Tonight – Topher Grace needs to let go.

Stuff White People Do In This Movie: Have overbearing parents, have unrealistic crushes, have crappy jobs, have silly shenanigans, breakdance, swim, dance badly, have adventures under the song “Straight Outta Compton,” let fear get in the way, help guys believe in themselves.

Stuff Non-White People Do In this Movie: Do not appear.

Why do I work so hard at being not-black???  Because as you can see, the not-blacks get to have such an awesome diversity of experiences!! So here’s the question…. if I do all of the above, will I finally ascend into whiteness? Or am I simply not eligible for the above?

And when cameras are rolling on these alabaster casts, do you think that the crew breathe a sigh of relief the way I do when I look around the barn during my dressage lessons? Or are they the least bit concerned that something’s gone…awry? I mean, with no people of color on screen, how the hell do you decide who gets killed first?

For a look at more movie trailer magic, click here!