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Dove – Washing Away Dirt, Oil and Skin Tone – Yay

You remember Dove. The beauty brand that brought us the “love yourself as you are” ads like these:

Look how much fun it is to hang out in your undies with your multicultural best gal pals!!!

 

They also brought us this “don’t fall for the beauty myth” video:

Apparently, though, they still want to remind us that while you maybe okay with your off-model freckled self, freckles better be able to show up.

In this ad, the soap promises users “visibly more beautiful skin” and shows before and after pictures. Do note the women that the words “before” and “after” are over.


It’s this kind of subtle and not-at-all-a-point-of-concern-for-dove’s-well-paid-marketing-team messaging that I rely on to remind myself why I’m trying to hard to escape my ethnicity. Thanks, Dove. I can only hope the soap works as well at this ad says. Fingers crossed!!

 

Why Go White #212 – It’s Polite!

This post is shout out to my Asian brethren and sistren.

By now, many of you may have seen the video “Asians in the Library,” posted by UCLA student Alexandra Wallace. In this video, she discusses how Asians are getting in the way of her studying by saying things like “Ching chong ting tong ling long” on the phone to their families. She says that it’s distracting and rude.

And it is rude! We all know that this is not how good assimilants behave.

Good coconuts NEVER say things like “Ching chong ting tong ling long” in the library. Instead, try more majority-sounding things  like “God, I wish those Asians would shut up. Let’s make a youtube video about it! This poly-sci sucks much anyway! Toodles!” That’s much more polite!

When your ethnic background includes knowing and understanding of the most complex languages in the world and holding family dear, for the love of God, don’t go showing it off. Save it for the meetings.

Or put it into a song like this kid did. I heart him!

For the record,  Alexandra issued an apology. But what do you think? Should the apology have occurred to her during the time it took her to walk from the library to her dorm, set up a camera, go through her rant, edit it together, post it on youtube and tell her friends that she did that?

For other cool things that college kids do, check out this post from San Diego’s Compton Cookout!

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Soccer: Oreo Approved or Oreo Avoidant?

Went to my first stateside soccer game this weekend with @catnick (ps…if you’re looking for an event or headshot

I'm sorry, was there a game going on?

photographer, follow and hire him immediately!). Several things occurred to me about the sport.

 

It’s a lot like terrible foreplay. Lots of tension, not a lot of release. There’s soooooo much action. 90 minutes of sweating and kicking and passing and bending..aaaand, you think it’s gonna happen…that they’re going to make it in, they’re right there, right there, right there, almost, almost alllll—nope, no score. Sunday’s game ended in a tie, so at least both teams got theirs. That seems fair.

I’m totally torn as to where to file this for Oreo-approved events. I made a list of pros and cons and much like yesterday’s game, it ends in a tie. What do you think?

Pro: Not a lot of black players. This isn’t football or basketball where every other guy on the ground is an RBP.

Con: A surprising number of black fans. Unlike when I attend hunter/jumper shows or a regatta, I definitely wasn’t the only brown face in the crowd. #uncomfy

Pro: There’s definitely something Euro-chic about saying you’re a soccer fan.

Con: Because it’s worldly, and since most of the people in the world are actually of some sort of color (poor things!), you run the risk of liking a team peopled by browns.

Pro: Soccer players, by my estimation, have the best physiques in sport. Strong but not too bulky, flexible and lithe, fast and quick. And they know how to do such cool things with their balls.

Con: I couldn’t help making the terrible joke above.

So what do you think? Do the cons outweigh the pros? I’ve never been a huge team sport fan and I’d love to find some group to pledge my allegiance to. What teams do you follow and what brought you to them?

Why Go White Reason #415 – Better Emails

One of the features on the dating site OkCupid is the regular posting of fairly detailed analyses of their members and their behaviours.

The post I read today largely talked about how white people get the majority of emails on OkCupid (and incidentally, that black users get the fewest). But the truth is that white people get the most message because the overwhelming majority of daters on OkC are white. And if you remove them from the equation, daters actually prefer to message people of their own race.

Clearly they have not asked me my opinion about this.

However, a piece of info at the bottom of the article caught my attention.

They sorted the reading level of the messages sent and found that if you’re white, you get smarter emails!! I want can haz smarter emails! I love smart emails! Use a word I don’t know around me and my clothes pretty much fall off.

They also found that if you’re brown, you get sent dumber emails. And if you’re brown and receive an email from another brown person, your emails are the dumbest of all! But if you’re white or Asian, those same emailers class it up a bit!! What gives?!

And I can attest to the dumb email thing. Here are some gems I’ve gotten recently both on OkC and off.

  • “OW looks great. Oreo or not, I would cuff her.” (I don’t even know what that means…cuff?? I’m assuming he doesn’t mean “arrest.” )
     

  • “Hey, do you like young guys just for fun.” (I suppose it depends on what kind of fun. Shakespeare festival? Vaudeville night [like the one I’m performing in this weekend], kayaking?)

  • “HI YOUR SO PRETTY WUD LUV TO GET WIT U I WERE LOOKING AT YOUR PICS HIT ME WHEN GET A CHANCE WaNNa HoLlA AT U” (wud–, I’m sorry, would he really love to get with me? He doesn’t even know me. How on earth could he even conceive of what a relationship with me would be like at this early stage in the game?)

  • “Sexxxy!!!” (There’s something in the brevity I suppose I can appreciate, but what it has in succinctity, it lacks in substance.”)

    • 

So what does this mean? Are the browns just self-sabotaging themselves? Or is this more proof that it’s just a delight to be white? That you can be a dating master if you’re alabaster? That you’ll totally win if you have fair skin?

Or just that I should now step away from rhymezone.com?

Let us know what you think in the comments!

And since I like to write about dating, here’s some more:

”

Here’s a link to the whole article.

What do you think?

Trying to Get Sassy…winning?? (VIDEO)

As much as I’m glad that I’m not an RBP, I do appreciate some of the ways they use language.

Of course, I must approve the use of verse much like the bard…

…but I also get that being sassy just sounds super cool sometimes. Here’s my trying to sass it up a bit. Let me know what you think!

Do you have an accent? Do you like accents? Tell us about it in the comments!

Trailer Trashing

Fresh off the heels of the most prestigious of Hollywood award shows, the Oscars (this year, simply and dramatically dropping the “the” and going by “Oscar”), I’m excited

NPH can be my fairy godhottie any day. Yup, "fairy godhottie." I said it.

to start looking at this year’s movies and dreaming of all the things I could be…if I, you know weren’t so browny.

Movies are a great way to solidify your Oreo experience. The repeated images of certain types of people doing certain types of things really reminds us who we are and who we can…or probably cannot be.

So let’s see what’s opening this weekend!

The Adjustment Bureau – Matt Damon can’t follow simple directions.

Stuff White People Do In This Movie: Run for Senate, stare longingly, drop their accents, get flustered, live in New York, read books at coffee shops, take public transport, goof off in the street, enchant men, spoon, creep in people’s bedrooms, have really cool tech, control men’s fates, dance ballet, watch ballet, fall desperately in love,

Stuff Non-White People Do In this Movie: Well, there is one black guy in the trailer…he doesn’t speak and it looks like he’s gonna cut a bitch.

And seriously, New York movies, not even any of color extras?

***UPDATE – I just read in The Hollywood Reporter that Anthony Mackie has a “substantial” role in this movie. Why keep that a secret, trailer?

Beastly – Cute guy gets turned into a magically deformed guy and—OMGNPH!!

Stuff White People Do In This Movie: pull ups, look hot and talk about how hot they look, win the praise of the masses, have magical powers, live with a disability, beat the moral into the ground, look deeper, build greenhouses, like flowers,

Stuff Non-White People Do In this Movie: Well, there’s one at at table for a second, but she also doesn’t speak.

The best thing about this movie other than its anglo-tasticness, the fact that if this goes according to the story of Beauty and the Beast, the girl gets a SUPER HOT GUY in the end even though she likes him when he’s not hot…which means that the moral of the story is the beauty is still the ultimate prize. (oh, and douchebag guy still gets SUPER HOT GIRL after enduring a couple of bad days as a not hottie). Also, the dude doesn’t look ugly, he just looks like he’s really into bodmod.

Take Me Home Tonight – Topher Grace needs to let go.

Stuff White People Do In This Movie: Have overbearing parents, have unrealistic crushes, have crappy jobs, have silly shenanigans, breakdance, swim, dance badly, have adventures under the song “Straight Outta Compton,” let fear get in the way, help guys believe in themselves.

Stuff Non-White People Do In this Movie: Do not appear.

Why do I work so hard at being not-black???  Because as you can see, the not-blacks get to have such an awesome diversity of experiences!! So here’s the question…. if I do all of the above, will I finally ascend into whiteness? Or am I simply not eligible for the above?

And when cameras are rolling on these alabaster casts, do you think that the crew breathe a sigh of relief the way I do when I look around the barn during my dressage lessons? Or are they the least bit concerned that something’s gone…awry? I mean, with no people of color on screen, how the hell do you decide who gets killed first?

For a look at more movie trailer magic, click here!

Charlie Sheen’s Ethnic Epicness

So, Charlie Sheen has done a lot of bad. He’s spent a small fortune on illegal drugs, abused some women, made things

If that's not the wide-eyed stare of a devoted mentor, I don't know what is.

more difficult for his children, gave some anti-semitic quotes, starred in Hot Shots Part Deux and threatened the jobs of lots and lots of people by not getting help for any of the above issues.

But he did one thing right (and I’m not talking about how lives with deities–seriously, he calls his prosti– girlfrie– -er, roommates, “goddesses“).

Here’s what he did that’s so epic: He changed his crazy ethnic name to something way less Mexicany and thus put himself in a position to demand $3 million every time he phones in a performance for CBS.

That’s right. “Charlie Sheen” was born “Carlos Estevez.” And good on him for removing the brown from his name, and thus his life, by whitening that shiz up. Thanks to that little trip to the DMV (or where ever you go to change your name), Charlie has enjoyed fame, fortune and a fantasy life where he is the star he thinks he is.

Not so much for brother Emilio…and what else would you expect with a name like that?

I thought that other celebs of color could take a page from Charlie’s book and maybe, just maybe, get a bigger slice of that pie for themselves. Some blacktors are lucky, they’re named things like “Will Smith” or “Morgan Freeman” which sound pretty not-black. But others could give their career a boost with a few key strokes.

Below are some famous ethnic names and suggestions for their whitewashed equivalent.

  • Alfonso Riberio – Albrecht Russel
  • Djimon Hounsou – Dillon Houston
  • Queen Latifah – Elizabeth Windsor
  • Penelope Cruz – Patricia Clarke
  • Jaleel White – Justin Wales
  • Terrence Howard – Theodore Hilton
  • Mos Def – Hardest of Hearing
  • Orlando Jones – Orville James
  • Othello – Iago
  • Aretha Franklin – Amelia Francis
  • Phylicia Rashad – Pascale Richards
  • LeVar Burton – Lance Burton
  • Rhianna – Gaga
  • Condeleeza Rice – Christine Rialto
  • Aisha Tyler – Abigail Breslen
  • Eva Longoria – Ethel Lightman
  • Malcolm Jamal Warner – Mason Jason Disney
  • Soulja Boy – Lance Corporal Guy Mann
  • Taraji P. Henson to Tara P. Henson*
  • Viola Davis to Vanna Davis*
  • Chiwitel Ejiofor to Charles Ellington*
  • Idris Elba to Ira Evans*
  • Kesha to … oh wait.*

* – these names courtesy of @split_daydreams!

Who else can you think of? Let us know in the comments and we’ll add them to the list!

Also, for more on how going white gets you in the limelight, click here!

(ps…in a meeting once, an executive read a spec of Two and a Half Men that I wrote and told me that I “totally got Charlie Sheen. Sounded just like him.” Hmmm, wonder what that means for me…. )

Anything They Can Do, Blacks Can Do Better! (Hospitals!!!)

People often ask me why I try so hard to hide my blackness from the world. And I say, well, mainly because I’ve seen The Blind Side (and Precious Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire and Dangerous Minds and Freedom Writers, O, Hardball, Up the Down Staircase, Step Up, Bring it On, Step Up 2: The Streets, Finding Forrester, Precious-Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire, Fighting the Odds: The Marilyn Gambrell Story, Hancock, Wildcats, The Gridiron Gang, Friday Night Lights) and um, yeah…being black looks really scary and makes you way more likely to cut a bitch. And I don’t want to cut any bitches.

Being black also brings along with it a certain competitiveness. Blacks are always trying to outfill the judicial systems faster than

Get used to it, black people. Whether the ambulances are scurrying you away from the drive by or just double checking the doctor's work, apparently, you're going to be seeing a lot of them. Statistics say so!

non-colors, flee from PhD programs faster than non-colors and get hypertension way more!

And those things are so not me!

I mean look at today’s story:

After leaving the hospital for treatment of three common conditions, older black people are more likely to be readmitted within 30 days than older white people, a new study finds.

Black patients have 13 percent greater odds of readmission within 30 days after discharge, according to the study.

Boo! I don’t want to spend extra time in the hospital. I mean, the idea of a handsome, wealthy man in a nice coat touching my forehead softly and asking if everything is okay is just fine. But I can probably just hire that out, right?

Check back in for more things that blacks do better than whites! If you don’t, I might have to summon the color in me and cut a bitch. And like I said, I don’t want to have to do that.

Awesomely Awkward – Jumprope

Sometimes, my Oreo-ness is totally validated when someone says something to me that they totally wouldn’t say to a regular black

Wondering if what's on the tip of your tongue is odd or offensive? Say it anyway! It might just be a compliment in disguise.

person (You know, like the n-word!). When someone looks at me and says something…odd or potentially off-putting about race and then stare back at me with eyes wide open and blinking sweetly, it makes me feel like I’m doing my job at making those around me forget that my ethnicity of origin.

Today’s gem came to me last night at the gym. I was in the middle of a two-hour boxing workout (20 mins of running then 20 minutes of shadow boxing then 12 minutes of jumproping then 120 pushups then 20 minutes of mitt work then 20 minutes of abs then an hour and a half of recouperative sobbing). It was the jumprope section and the girl next to me kept catching her rope with her feet and whipping herself in the back with the rope.

After a few of these began to bring up tiny red marks on her back, she turned to me and said: “Man! Now I know how the slaves felt!! That must have sucked!”

It probably did suck, I thought. But not as much as you not being able to share that with me.

I have pilates tonight. Here’s hoping someone compares the resistance band to leg irons!

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This anecdote aside, it’s inevitable that awkward stuff just slips out sometimes! What’s a convo you’ve had that still makes you blush? Let us know in the comments!

4 Ways to Grow Your Blanchetourage

The kids get it, too!

Requiste for every Oreo is the appropriate blanchetourage. This friendly group of white people who accompany the Oreo will provide just the right number of naive questions, quiche recipes and invitations to country clubs to keep the Oreo away from other of colors and caught up on the self loathing.

But in this crazy world, making friends can be hard. So how does one grow one’s blanchetourage? Well, it goes a little something like this:

1. Look the part. Make sure that you have shed as many trappings of your ethnicity as possible. This means straightened hair, short, natural fingernails and a booty-minimizing Spanx. If you hang on to an ethnic look, potential blanchetourage members may not know that you’re not an RBP and thus safe to approach.

No.

2. Pick Up a Little From Pick Up Artists. As any guy two beers into his sex quest for the night knows, first impressions are key. You have about two seconds to make your mark think you’re worth talking to. The same goes for your blanchetourage. Just like the wrong pick up line can send a girl running into the arms of the not-so-nice-but-way-more-suave-a-hole on the other side of the bar, saying the wrong thing to a non-color at first blush can stop your blanchetourage quest in its tracks. Here are some lines you may want to use when staring a convo.

  • “Didn’t I meet you at that Neil LaBute tribute showcase last week?”
  • “I’m sorry, I think that’s my dram of Ardberg.”
  • “Gorgeous corset! I would kill for boning like that.”
  • “Pardon my limp. I broke in a new dressage pony this weekend.”
  • “Damn this sunburn!”

3. Arrange a follow-up meeting at the appropriate place. Once you’ve made your connection, you have to solidify it. Do this by setting up a meetup at an Oreo-approved location like your stable, the beach club, the performance bicycle center, a free-diving convention or Bath, England.

4. Show them the goods. Welcome them to the fold with an introduction to the rest of your blanchetourage. Since you can’t rid yourself of every ethnic trait (I’m looking at you, skin color!) they may still always wonder just a little when your hidden RBP (that’s “Regular Black Person” for you newbies!) is going to break loose. By surrounded them with more of them, you’ll help them feel right at home.

What do you think? Cuz seriously, making new friends can be hard. How do you do it? Do you tend to have a big entourage (blanche or otherwise) or just a few close besties. Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)