I was getting my hair set for a traditional costumed caroling event and looked to the stack of magazines next to me to help pass the time. I obviously passed over Essence, was shocked that Jet is still being made and picked up a Cosmopolitian.
Holy crap, that magazine sure hates men.
Disguised as “sex tips” are things that I’m pretty sure would make most men’s junk crawl back up inside of them and cry for mommy. Suddenly, the million and one bobbie pins I had holding up my Dickensian coiff didn’t feel so bad when I read these:
1. Choke his penis out with a shoelace. The tip read something like “bring a shoelace to bed and when you’re down there, loop it around his member, pull it tight, then then drag it up and down.” First of all, I don’t want to unravel an old dirty lace from a shoe before jumping into bed. Second, cinching fleshy things in the middle should be reserved for tubular gifts tied with ribbon and actual sausages, not men’s sausages.
2. Forget regular birth control, melt his b*lls off to prevent becoming preggers. This tip involved bringing a steaming washcloth to bed and wrapping it around his boys. Now I’ve used a hot rag to soothe sore muslces, but there’s thick skin over those muscles. Second degree burns — not sexy.
3. Show him what a bikini wax is like…sans wax. This tip was apparently written for all the ladies who thought “hmmm, I sure would like it if my guy were more manicured, and I’d like to figure out a way to get out some aggression at the same time.” The plan, according to the Cosmo writer, goes something like this: wait until just before he finishes, the grab a handful of his down-there hair and pull….hard. Because we all know how good it feels when hundreds of hairs are pulled out of the little sockets all at once. Hawt!
4. T*ttie Twister. You know when you’re really into something, like a really good book…and you’re almost finished…and the climax is coming…and you’re about to turn the last page…and be really really satisfied with the way the story wrapped up…and HOLYCRAPSOMETHINGJUSTSTABBEDMEINTHECHEST. In case your guy doesn’t like pleasureable experiences to continue, Cosmo suggests biting him really hard on the nipples just before he…finishes his book. Because nothing ends a good story like drawing blood.
5. Give him the flu. There were a whole spate of tips designed to have your guy’s body temp go from hot to cold to hot to cold in pretty rapid sucession. They’d start with something like “get tightly wrapped up under the covers, then rip the blankets off and drag ice cubes down his body, then use your breath to heat him back up before turning on a fan and letting it cool off the condesation.” Nevermind the fact that in order to make this work, you have to have some serious prop-mastering skills, but what happened to you know…just doing it?
Though, I will say that the corset I was wearing for my caroling event was pretty hot. And I wouldn’t mind figuring out a way to make that work…suggestions welcome.
What’s the best advice (sex or otherwise) you’ve gotten? Worst? Let us know in the comments!
Point by point.
1. Ow. More likely to piss him off and promote gangrene.
2. Hot tubs kill the swimmers, but it takes time and we’ll make more.
3. Uncool. And might cause domestic abuse.
5. Might work on an invalid, but I wouldn’t go for this.
Cosmo seems to hate men, but I think they hate women more by giving bad advice.
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