fried chicken

5 Ways to Eat Chicken

We all know that RBP love cripsy chicken products at a significantly higher rate than non colors. So it’s imperative that Oreos stay away from said food. Sometimes, however, eating chicken will be nearly unavoidable. Here are four ways that an Oreo can make eating chicken palatable.

  • On someone else’s dime, quarter or gold Sacagawea head dollar. If the president of your boating society or captain of your rowing team or Young Republicans secretary is buying, go ahead and eat. But do so daintily. Avoid picking it up with your fingers, instead, use a knife and fork (cutting of course with your dominant hand and not switching the utensils when the slice has been severed) and remove any skin. This will clue your company in to the fact that while you can enjoy the meat, you eat it with only reasonable amount of happiness. And also, it will take so dang long for you to finish, they’ll never serve it again.
  • With an alibi. When eating out with your tennis partner or bank manager, do be sure to start the meal by preemptively asking for alternatives. A well-timed “Ohh, I hear they have great Quiche here,” can do wonders! If chicken is the only option, you can eat it, secure in the knowledge that you did your part to avoid.
  • Cordon-bleu. This is an acceptable way to eat chicken, provided you practice the pronunciation. It’s not “Cord-On-Bloo,” it’s more of a “Khor-duhn-bluh.” Say it right and a) no one will be totally sure what you’re saying and b) will be too blown away by your accent to notice the chicken part.
  • At Chick Fil A. It’s fried chicken, for sure, but the company is owned by Mormons who have a…storied relationship with black people that involves of colors having historically been prevented from holding positions in the church because their dark skin proved they fought on the side of Cain in the great battle between God and the devil. That rules changed in the late 1970s, when the church caught up to the country and discovered that blatant racism was slightly out of vogue. They also encourage self-loathing in the gays–basically they do a lot to keep the mainstream mainstream and no matter how much we like RENT and The Green Party, the mainstream is the stream we’re all trying to swim in.
  • In secret. With the ability to avoid any slips of the tongue, forgotten protocol or pictures that end up on facebook, this is really the best option.

For more chicken confessions, check out this diary entry, what happened when I went to screening of my web series, and how I broke all the above rules on my birthday last week.

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Oreo Birthday Win and Fail?

...and lead us not into temptation...

It was many moons ago today that the self loathing started. And this weekend, two conversation showed me how much my efforts have paid off and reminded me how far I have to go.

The first one:

Someone I know through the Internets was looking at my Kickstarter page: (

And had this to say.

Him: Wow, you definitely got the accent down. You sound totally white!
Me: That’s my actual voice. That’s just how I sound.
Him: Oh.

And the other happened over dinner. I was eating out with a member of my blanchetourage and  I knew I was taking my chances by having chicken…and by ordering a leg and thigh instead of a breast while my friend ordered a breast. The waitress came with our food and said:

Waitress: (to him) – you’re white.

(Waitress puts his food down)

Waitress: (to me) – and you’re dark.

While I initially considered this a fail for her pointing out the painfully, shamefully obvious, I realized, that she probably can’t say this to every patron of color lest they get all uppity about the word choice. You know, like this guy. (heart you WKB!)

What do you think? Chicken fail or win? And do you prefer light or dark (meat, that is. it’s obvious what we prefer in people 🙂 ) Let us know in the comments.

And let me know when your birthday is, so I can send you a message!! Lemme know in the comments or email at