What Are You Doing This Weekend?

As the weekend approaches, it’s important to have a list of Oreo-approved things at the ready to say you’re going to do.

It’s not that saying: “What am I up to this weekend? Oh, not much” sounds like you’re saying “I’m going to attend an NBA match while smoking some weed.” It’s just that not having specific plans leaves room for people to speculate about what you might be doing. And an Oreo can leave no room for speculation. Because you know what speculation does. It makes you and your friend Lation eat Speculoos.

Which to be fair, is pretty yums, just not healthy (source)

Which to be fair, is pretty yums, just not healthy

But what do you do if you really don’t have any plans? After all, a Show Jumping Grand Prix or corset-making class doesn’t just come along every weekend. How do you account for your whereabouts when you’re not sure about where you’ll be?

We’ve made it easier for you. Just take one word from Column A, combine it with one word from Column B and voila! Instant Oreo plans! And if people ask you to prove it by taking picture, just say that photography wasn’t allowed….and you had to take an oath. In blood. People will stop asking you questions when you bring up the blood.

Column A

Column B

Haiku Reenactment
Equestrian Reading
Gilbert and Sullivan Tour
Scrabble Con
British Revue
Steampunk Exhibition
Saloon Pilgramage
TED Society
This American Life Build
Castle Tournament
Robotics Recital
Tom Stoppard Event
Game of Thrones Walkabout

So…What are you doing this weekend?

If you are looking for some Oreo-approved-cations, check out these 3 not-awkward-at-all day trips



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Sometimes, Despite Your Best Efforts….

and Peter Pan collar, things like this happen.

I went to a screenwriting panel this week, composition notebook in hand, poignant questions at the ready, joke for Graham Yost rehearsed (it totally landed, btw!). I was sitting in a row by myself when I was approached by this RBP.

I know he was an RBP not just because he was black, but because when he introduced himself to me, the next thing he said was “Yo, how you learn to be so articulate  like that. You talk so clear and proper. Where your from?”

The above quote is true. I wish to God I were kidding.

I wanted to say “well, I like to be heard and understood, so you know, it kind of comes with the territory.”

But instead I just smiled and laughed and tossed my head to the side the way you do when you want to politely move on from the subject at hand.

For some unholy reason, we exchanged business cards. He said he was a comedian working on a documentary and might need writers, so I gave in.

Then, the next day, I got this call: (translations are in parentheses)

Him: Hey,  yo, it’s R— from last night.

TOE: Hi.

Him: What’s up?

TOE: I’m finishing up work, about to head out.

Him: That’s cool. So what’s going on?

TOE: Nothing much. (Didn’t I just answer this?)

Him: Okay, cool….


TOE: So, you called?

Him: Yeah, I’ve got a show tonight. Wondered if you wanted to go to it?”

(Here’s where I think “Did we not establish last night that maybe Oreo and “why you talk so proper guy” might not be hang out buddies?” But instead, I decide to just re-emphasize my Oreoness and let him do the math.)

TOE: I can’t tonight. I’m going to a friend’s show.

Him: What kind of show?

TOE: (he’ll get it now!) It’s a Victorian Synthpunk bank with some Steampunk belly dancing.

The guys dress like this at these shows. I somehow doubt "you talk proper" guy has goggles. (Thank you Angelus-Knight for the photo!)

Him: Ohhhh

(Whew! Dodged that–)

Him: What about tomorrow night?

TOE: I’ve got a gin tasting.

(okay, surely now he’ll–)

Him: Saturday?

TOE: Swing dancing.

(are you effing kidd–)

Him: Sunday?

TOE: Renaissance Faire.

Him: Hmm. Okay. Well, maybe I’ll just send you these sketches and see what you think.

TOE: Sounds good!

It’s nice to see that following the rules and sounding Oreo distress calls does work, even if it takes more time than it should.

What about you? How do you politely (or impolitely) decline invitations? Let us know in the comments!

Also, while I’m glad people are still having the “why do you talk so white” conversation–because it’s pretty much the basis for two years of blogging–But seriously? We’re still having the “why do you talk so white” conversation? I mean c’mon, help me up my game! Talking white is like Oreo skill #1. Give me a challenge, people!


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Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Sexy Oreo Costumes!


Always be looking out for how to look the part.


With just two weeks until ladies show us your tits under the guise of creativity day Halloween, I am reminded that Oreos don’t just dress up on that fun day. Oreos wear costumes every day. Just like that girl in your condo finds just the perfect piece of lingerie to represent Alice in Wonderland, Finding Nemo or a medical professional, Oreos work painstakingly to make sure that their clothes communicate who they are on the inside, too.

Here are three styles of dress befitting an Oreo lifestyle.

  • Basic, classic prep. Thanks to characters like Urkel and Carlton, we get that when a person of color wears plaid, pleats or padded seersucker, they are way more white than not. Nothing says “I definitely didn’t buy I am Not a Human Being” like saddle shoes.
  • Hipster. Hipsters get a lot of flack for looking like bizzarely arrogant homeless people, but they do read Amy Sedaris, love Sarah Silverman and tout individuality by dressing just like all the other hipsters. This makes them easy to identify and to assimilate into. So get your Oreo pal an Urban Outers gift certificate and get your hobo bag on! Show up at your fave large independent coffee shop with your skinny jeans and ironically thick glasses and no one will dare ask you if you saw the Raiders play that weekend.
  • Steampunk. My favorite of this list! Steampunk embraces non-RBP subjects like science and Britain and combines them with neat metal-based fashions. A few pairs of fettish-looking goggles, tiny top hat, a black tutu and and your signed copy of The Anubis Gate and you’re all set!

What other fashions do you think are good for Oreos? Any fashion trends you’ve tried to get on board with and either had massive success or a major fail? Let us know!


Though I was joking about sexy Nemo, didn't you?