Black Girl in a Big Dress is also beginning her festival run next month at The International Black Film Festival in Nashville, and the Urban Mediamakers Film Festival in Atlanta!
#FBF to a year ago when we wrapped production on the first season of Black Girl in a Big Dress. It’s been an amazing ride! Thanks to everyone who’s watched, shared, liked, commented and pointed out that correct, those are in fact, not bourbon cremes. Here’s to getting the right biscuits in Season Two!
If you haven’t seen the show, check out all 8 episodes of Season One below!!
Zumba. I love it. Especially on nights like last night.
Zumba is actually tricky for an Oreo. During the dance-style group exercise class, some of the moves can come dangerously close to looking like popping and/or locking. So as a good Oreo, I always try to stiffen up a little on some of the hippier moves so as not to frighten the other dancers or myself.
And then tonight, something wonderful happened. I don’t know what the song was (Sondheim didn’t write it, so I was at a loss), but everyone else in the room did. As we danced, they sang along and sang along and sang along and then everyone sang the n-word. In unison. Without missing a beat.
I couldn’t have been more thrilled.
Usually, when there’s an RBP in the room, people would shy away from one of the most offensive words in the English language. They’d think twice about loudly shouting a word that has probably gotten people killed.( At the very least, it’s gotten people into debates on Oprah’s couch–which for an Oreo might be a scarier place than the business end of a revolver.) Normally, if an RBP was in a room, people would maybe try to be polite — not out of fear of making a faux pas, but mainly out of some regard for public safety.
But not with me there. It was like they didn’t think I was black at all!!
Unfortunately, as quickly as my happiness was upon me, it disappeared. For mere seconds after they said the word, they caught sight of my reflection in the mirror and no one sang along for the rest of class.
My apologies, ladies, for sullying last night’s good vibes. I will work on my layback and hopefully blend in much better next time.
Granted, some of the following did go through my head, but thanks to my Oreo training, they stayed inside and my outside voice never took control.
- Why do you all know this song???!
- Why did you include this song in your playlist??!
- Is there a manager I can talk to?
- What did he say after the n-bomb? I really can’t understand any of these lyrics.
- Please don’t vote.
- Don Sterling called, he’d like his favorite word back.
- I’m concerned you might not have wrapped your heads around some basic points of everyday etiquette
- This is a radio song, so you’ve said this like…how many time by now? And it hasn’t occurred to you to maybe… not?
- This is a huge city on the liberal left coast for fuck’s sake! Get your shit together!
- Oh yeah? We’ll your momma’s so fat, I”m very concerned for her long term health.
- You’re right, it is ~just~ a word after all, you stupid whale cunt.
- Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never— *sobs*
- Maybe I should just got to bootcamp. There’s not music in bootcamp.
Any of those responses would have seemed really RBP-like. Sure, the growing ulcer in my stomach might one day take over my entire digestion system. But I’ll look darn good while I’m convalescing. Yay, Zumba!
We’ve all been there. Someone has said something horrible and we’ve wanted to respond. But a response only makes people feel as awkward as you do. And we’re better than that. What do you not say when someone pisses you off? Let us know in the comments.
Not sure that the newest member of my blanchetourage appreciates exactly what he has in this Oreo! (my apologies in advance for what is, apparently, a bootie pop)
Need to grow your blanchetourage (hopefully with better luck than I’m having)? Click here to find out how!
The holidays are stressful. But those awkward family gatherings can be easily diffused with some pre-scripted Oreotastic responses at the ready.
What are your favorite stories from family gatherings? Let us know in the comments!
Politicians have this way of saying things that to the untrained ear sound “mean” or “racist” or “really really dumb.”
But I don’t think it’s that sinister. What do you think? Check out the video and then let us know in the comments!
Yesterday was one of those days when I walk into the office and someone says, “Did you… cut? your hair?”
I didn’t cut my hair.
“But it looks…different. What did you do?”
The answer to that question is not simple. Well, technically, it is. The actual answer is “washed it.” But to say that opens up way more questions and I have production reports to print out and copy.
These questions also present one of the trickiest things about being a dedicated Oreo. No matter how many show-jumping ribbons you’ve won, you are still have to deal with maintaining, and explaining, what’s going on up there.
So I’m devising this FAQ to hand out whenever my hair changes. Feel free to print it out and pin it up on the wall for easy reference. If you are an Oreo yourself, consider these talking points.
Q: So…did you cut your hair?
A: Nope. Oh! Did you see La Traviata this weekend? Just gorgeous!!
Q: Huh. It looks different.
A: It kind of has a mind of its own. And how hot was it Saturday? I could barely enjoy that Farmers’ Market at the Marina. And now my mangoes are totally overripe. It hurts me to squeeze them.
Q: …was that some sort of euphemism?
A: Not at all. I’m just really bummed about how tender my beautiful, gorgeous mangoes are now. I mean, just look at them.
Q: I don’t think that’s appropriate.
A: All right, well, I’m taking them out at lunch if you want to see.
(See what you’ve done? You’ve created a diversion! Congratulations!)
Q: Well, whatever you did to it, your hair looks great.
A: Thank you.
Q: So…what did you do to it?
IF THIS CONVERSATION IS HAPPENING AFTER A RELAXER….
A: I got it done.
Q: Oh… What does that mean?
Here’s where you have a choice. You can either say: “Well, I spent two hours having white goop spread on my scalp to make all those annoying tight little curls go away.” But again, that brings up a lot of technical questions that really take some time to get into and those production reports are not going to print themselves.
A: I just… get it…straightened.
Q: Ohhhh, so your hair isn’t naturally straight?
This is a dumb question. By and large, black people hair is not naturally straight. But it’s one that a lot of people ask. And once it’s asked, the floodgates tend to open. If there’s anyway to stop talking at this point, do it. Fake a seizure, have someone call your cell phone like you’re on an awkward first date, start bleeding.
If you can’t reasonably get out of it, play along. You’re a good Oreo after all and to act embarrassed or self-conscious or irritated that people can’t just leave your hair alone would just make you look all uppity.
A: No, it’s not.
Q: So, if you just grew your hair out, what would happen?
A: It’d just get big.
Q: Like would you have…?
A: An afro, yes.
Q: You know, I kind of think those little afros are cute. Have you ever thought about growing one?
A: Oh god, no.
Q: Really because [random celebrity of color] has one and she looks really cute.
A: Oh really? Well, have you thought about making a bow out of blonde extensions and putting that on top of your head?
Q: Um.. no, why?
A: Oh, well Gaga did that at some awards show, so… you know
Note: Don’t do this. Oreos are sweet, kind, accommodating people. We do not make points or draw attention to gaps in logic.
Q: Really because [random celebrity of color] has one and she looks really cute.
A: Huh, I can’t picture him/her right now. S/he wasn’t in Terrence Malik’s latest, right?
Q: Uh… no.
IF THE QUESTIONS DO NOT COME AFTER A RELAXER….
Q: So what did you do? It looks… fluffier?
A: Just regular washing. Eventually, my hair just ‘goes back.’
Q: What does that mean?
A: It just starts to get curly again?
Q: Oh, so your hair’s not naturally straight.
And there you have it. Though sometimes, you’ll get a few other questions.
Q: Can I touch it?
A: Eh, I’m really weird about personal space.
Q: But c’mon, we’re making out. And I’m already touching your pretty pretty face. Can’t I touch your hair, gorgeous?
A: Okay, fine.#blush(ifIcould) #swoon
Q: Have you ever thought about extensions?
A: Every day of my life. Black hair is really difficult, time consuming and expensive to manage. You have to either buy specialty oils to keep a natural ‘do looking good. Or you have to spend hundreds of dollars to get your scalp burned off once every 6-8 weeks. Or you have to spend more hundreds of dollars to have someone else’s hair sewn into your scalp. And also you have to answer questions like these on the regular.
NOTE: Do not say that. Just say yes. Or better yet “mais oui!”
Q: How do you wash it?
A: With a very delicate regime of shampoo, conditioner and water.
Q: Did you see that documentary Chris Rock did, Good Hair? That was really interesting.
A: I’m not really a Chris Rock fan.
Q: No? I think he’s so funny! I love his stand up.
A: I mean, I would turn down a ticket, but I’d rather go see Eddie Izzard.
Q: So what–
A: Agh, I hate to cut you off, but I have got to get these production reports done, put these mangoes in the fridge and find someone to frame this dressage certificate.
The one good thing about black hair care is that it’s all pretty painful. Relaxers burn like fire, pressing burns with oil that feels like it’s on fire and extensions are woven so tight you get an instant face lift. It’s a little bit of perfectly reasonable self-punishment to bring absolution like fasting or the Silas belt from The Da Vinci Code.
But you do have to choose wisely and pick the pain that’s right for you. Use this primer to weigh the pros and cons and tell us what you think!
And as you know, we love awkward situations here at The Oreo Experience. Whether it’s a a fancy engagement party or during a hike to the Hollywood sign, embarrassing moments are awesome. What are some of your best cringe-worthy stories? Let us know in the comments!
And I’m not saying I didn’t trust you to look up that Eddie Izzard bit. Buuuuut, just in case you didn’t. Voila!