Politicians have this way of saying things that to the untrained ear sound “mean” or “racist” or “really really dumb.”
But I don’t think it’s that sinister. What do you think? Check out the video and then let us know in the comments!
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Next on my list of ways to procrastinate instead of just writing the pages that I’m supposed to hand over to people tomorrow (sorry, M and J!) is to make a playlist of songs that I love…but that also make me cry a little bit.
I’ve already exhausted watching episodes of the BBC hit “How Clean is Your House,” making my own bathroom cleanser from scratch, annoying my cats and convincing myself not to go to the Cicada Club tonight (is anyone going to the Cicada Club tonight?). So this iTunes journey seems like the next best thing.
Here’s what I have so far! These are some of the songs that will cause me to show up for 8:30 a.m. production meetings with smudged mascara because I couldn’t just had to listen to them as I pulled into the parking lot at work.
Tom Waits – San Diego Serenade. This song gets five out of five tear stains. Just so lovely and evocative and simply lyriced.
Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah. All of the versions of this song make me just want to slit my wrists they’re so gorgeous. But this one is the first one I heard. That’s not true. The first one I heard was done by a men’s a capella group from an Ivy League College. This is the second one I heard. And it is glorious!
Tim Minchin – If I Didn’t Have You. This is one of my favorite pieces of art ever. It sounds flippant at first, but then is just wow. Poignant and lovely and true. Also, he’s an Ozzie, so he pronounces the word “drama” as “dramer” which is equally as awesome as the song.
This Song from Next to Normal – Maybe. If you haven’t seen this play. See it, but be prepared to develop a drinking problem immediately afterwards. It’s beautiful, but depressing as eff.
Elaborate Lives from Aida. I know, there’s a black person in this video. But she’s dating a white dude, so it’s all good. Also, she’s Heather Headley who is hands down amazing. And she GETS TO KISS ADAM PASCAL. I would probably give every thing that I’ve ever owned or will to re-make this video with Adam. He did touch my shoulder once. I know he thought it was as special as I did. There are 46,000 views of this video. I’m pretty sure that 45,900 are mine .
Part of Your World. Yup. A song about a girl dreaming to be something she’s not. How could that not move this Oreo to tears?
Also, the lyric “…How many wonders can one cavern hold…” Am I the only one who thinks that’s secretly dirty?
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What songs make you tear up? Let us know in the comments!
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Huzzah! Summer’s Eve found a way to make women hate both their skin colors and their lady junk!
But BOO! Thanks to Fourth Estate outrage, the ads were pulled.
Yup. That's what Summer's Eve thinks a vagina looks like.
The douche company (literally, that’s not a slam) put out a series of ads where hands pretend to be vajayjays and extol the virtues of their completely unnecessary product that dangerously changes the ph levels inside of a very sensitive area leading to fun things like yeast infections and thus even more self-loathing while taking on the persona of various ethnicities, of course speaking with completely accurate, non-stereotype-tastic vernacular. I mean, when my squish mitten talks to me, it always says “Girrrrrrl” first.
I don’t think an ad campaign has made me shudder about my skin so much since McDonald’s PR geniuses said this on their website.
Like the unique African Baobab tree, which nourishes its community with its leaves and fruit, McDonald’s has branched out to the African-American community nourishing it with valuable programs and opportunities.
Highlights of the videos included an African American pudding hatch gettin’ ready to go to da club and a Latino yippee bog saying things like “Ay yi yi” in an accent Speedy Gonzalez would be proud of.
And don’t worry, Blanchetourage members, they didn’t leave you out. The white ham wallet like totes wants to be BFFs!
The vids aren’t avail on youtube anymore, but thanks to Adweek.com, you can watch them here. Please do. It’s a real treat. Don’t worry, I’ll wait…
UPDATE: A friend (who may or may not choose to remain nameless) found one of the vids on yt! Here it is. Until further notice (ie. more of my friends do the hard work for me), check out the other two vids at the link above.
NEW UPDATE: Summer’s Eve pulled the videos again and again, but here they are!! Again, courtesy of Adweek.com
Summer’s Eve may not know how to take care of ladies’ bodies, but at least they’re helping make more Oreos! If after watching the video any new converts have questions, start here and send me a message letting me know you’re in!(Special thanks to Bloodhound Gang for writing the following song and thus contributing largely to this post)
To see an ad make forced labor look like high fashion, check out this post.
And for another video requisite for Oreo training, click here.
What do you think of these vids? Did Summer’s Eve make the right move by pulling them? What does it imply they were made in the first place?
And in case there’s a fave euphemism of yours that I was not able to use above, let us know in the comments!
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Being an Oreo (or supporting a friend in their Oreo journey) requires regular visits to places that make you pretty bummed out about not being white.
We talk about how going to the movies can achieve this. Spending time with the right friends and co-workers can, too.
But if you feel like doing a bit of driving (in your Oreo-approved Mini Cooper–the originals, not the new ones that obliterate the purpose of being mini by being the size of a totally regular car– or on your Vespa) here are three places to check out on your journey away from your ethnicity.
DAVE AND CHANTAL’S HOUSE
What Will You See There? Pictures of their recent South African wedding (awwwww!)…where they chose a “colonial” theme (awwww—okaaaaay) and to round out the effect, and made sure that all the all-white crowd was attended to by a fleet of all black servants–just like in the good ol’ colonial days!!! (awwwwwkward!!!)
The smiles were as genuine as the nostalgia
*Bonus points if you hang out with the wedding coordinator who, upon hearing this idea seconded it and unembarrasedly put out an employment notice requesting the specialized staff.
PLANTATION CHAPELS
What Will You See There? Beautiful homes (awwwwww!) that were home to wealthy wealthy slave-owners (awww–kaaaay) and where slave quarters are kept in preserved, working conditions (awwwwwkward!!)
Well, black families did do really well on plantations, right Bachmann?
*Bonus points if you don’t skip the Confederate flag as a commentator who was mentioned in this article on the trend suggested.
THE PINKBERRY NEAR MY HOUSE
What Will You See There? I mentioned recently that a very helpful employee at my local Pinkberry suggested that out of all the flavors available, I might like watermelon the best. I decline and went with my staple mango and original tart.
I thought this was a one time thing, but no! I went back and the conversation went very similarly:
Pinkberry Worker: What can I get for you?
OreoExperience: Mango and original tart, please.
Pinkberry Worker: Watermelon?
OreoExperience: Mango and original tart, please.
Pinkberry Worker: Oh, okay. Oh.. are you with them?
I turned around and saw another black family at the back of the store. They entered about 3 minutes after I did. We hadn’t spoken to each other and our body language was in no way open towards each other (thanks for following the rules, btw, Other Black People!). Surely he couldn’t’ have meant them.
OreoExperience: Who?
Pinkberry Worker: Them.
He did.
OreoExperience: No.
Pinkberry Worker: Okay…. I’m sorry, did you say wa–
OreoExperience: Mango
For toppings, I'll take yogurt chips, kiwi slices and just a spoonful of embarassment
*Bonus Points if you keep going back to this Pinkberry….like I do.
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Where are your favorite places to road-trip, awkward or otherwise? Let us know in the comments!
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Everyone needs a place to get away from the routine
Hey black guys! Want a break from that dangerous, deadly life you lead? Do you need a place to lower your blood pressure while communing in a community of your peers?
Try prison!
This headline came out last week which surely didn’t bother anyone in the blogosphere at all:
Black men are half as likely to die at any given time if they’re in prison than if they aren’t, suggests a new study of North Carolina inmates.
The short story is that a new study shows that black men live longer in prison than outside of it. And of course they do! With such comfy quarters and sense of camaraderie, it only makes sense. Here are three reasons why you should book your weekend away today!
(PS…Did Bachmann and Santorum get this memo?)
1. Sober living!
The black prisoners seemed to be especially protected against alcohol and drug-related deaths…
Few things are more sobering than living in a studio apartment (Los Angelinos, am I right!!) and in prison, you don’t even get that much. But it’s all part of simplifying your life.
You're so cute IKEA, but even this adorable Splornjabarn won't fit between the cot, the toilet, the shiv stand and the shame. Bummer!
2. Clean pipes!
White prisoners died of cardiovascular diseases as often as expected and died of cancer slightly more often than non-prisoners.
Black inmates, by contrast, were between 30 and 40 percent less likely to die of those causes than those who weren’t incarcerated
Some might say that it’s depressing that food available to undeserved communities is less healthy than food that’s served in prison.
Hey! A cucumber! See - spa-like!
But hey, all of us can be lazy cooks at home. You always expect something nicer when you step out.
3. Not murder!
They were also less likely to die of … suicide and murder than black men not in prison.
We talked last week about how awesome it is to live in a gated community. It’s safe in there! And it doesn’t get much more gated than your average state lock up.
Some folks have said that things like unequal sentence for crack and cocaine violations, Three Strikes laws and long jail sentences for casual marijuana are just conspiracies. And I think they are conspiring….to help black dudes relax for once! It’s like they’re trying to throw a fun surprise party getaway!
How do you feel about day spas? Either the kind you elect to go to or the kind you’re forced to when you can’t afford decent legal counsel? Let us know in the comments!
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Hey, look at that — free time! Quite the concept this “free time” business. I should look into it more often.
I should also get caught up on my pop culture.
Movies are a great way to solidify your Oreo experience. The repeated images of certain types of people doing certain types of things really reminds us who we are and who we can…or probably cannot be.
So let’s see what’s opening this weekend!
Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Robots do battle in what is clearly an intricate and well-developed plot… Is it weird that I had a huge crush on StarScream when I was a kid?
Stuff White People Get to Do in This Movie – Be astronauts, threaten Shia LeBoeuf, lie to robots, wear Kevlar, replace Megan Fox while still keeping eyes wide and mouth always slightly ajar, para-glide, seriously–in every shot she’s in in the trailer, the girl’s mouth is open and she’s not speaking what is up with that?, be both able-bodied and sit in a wheelchair, save the day.
Stuff Not-White People Get to Do in This Movie – wear Kevlar and deliver bad news.
Is there a medical reason why her lips can't touch? Should we start a fund?
Larry Crowne – Julia Roberts, Tom Hanks and Magical Black People, oh my!
Stuff White People Get to Do in This Movie – enjoy a simple, but oddly fulfilling job, be employee of the month, hold the power position(s) at a large company, be a Dean/Principal figure, be adorably bumbling, dislike their challenging, but unfulfilling job, enjoy ice irresponsibly, utilize public transportation, ride scooters safely, change the tough chick’s heart despite her best attempts, demonstrate hilariously uncharacteristic sexual abandon, enjoy love with a hint of embarrassment.
Stuff Not-White People Get to Do in This Movie – marvel at the ability of the white guy to be employee of the month, deliver sassy advice to the white guy, help the white guy realize his fashion and romantic potential, be made an example of, be unnecessarily jealous.
They're so in love and they don't even know it!!
Monte Carlo – Wait, what? Movies can cast quasi-minorities in lead roles in films that have nothing to do with them dressing in drag?
I know, TP, I was confused and hurt, too.
And instead of magical black people, there are two magical white people? AND the main character with a Mexican Spanish last night is pretending to be a white princess?? I can only hope that one day my Oreoness takes me to a place where I can pretend to be a white princess. AND Catherine Tate is in this movie?!?!? Cue Oreo explosion in 3…2…1…
Granted, the feminist implications of this film are pretty terrible (“teehee, despite all my hard work and brains, i just want castles and jewels and pretty and boys and boys!”), but that’s for a whole different blog. I’m still thrilled about the CT cameo. I ain’t even bovvered to pay money for that!
For more talk about trailers, click here and let us know what you think!
In case you caught that Star Scream story and want more about TOE’s dubious crushes, check out this story!
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I went to karaoke with a trusted member of my blanchetourage last night (Need a definition of “Blanchetourag”? Click here!). Wednesday nights at Sardos aren’t incredibly busy, so I was excited for the opportunity to sing more than once and to whip out some new showtunes. My friend said we were meeting some people there, and I was excited to meet them, too.
We got to the bar and I almost walked right out. The “people” we were “supposed” to “meet” were both black.
WTF?
Every time you trick an Oreo, a baby loses its wings
He knows me and that per the Oreo code it is so not okay to hang out en masse with other black people.
My friend mentioned that one of the girls was in a recent revival of RENT and my hackles went down a bit. The musical RENT does feature a lot of black people in it, but it’s very theatery and it’s Broadway and OhMyGodAdamPascalTouchedMeEnce!!! so I tossed her some Oreo points and let it go.
Dear Adam, the answer will always be "yes"
Then the other girl suggested the three of us go sing a song together.
What??
We were the only black people in the whole bar. If we went up to sing together, we’d totally really look like really black people. But part of the aforementioned Oreo code involves sticking to a WASPish code of uncomfortable politeness. So I had to say yes.
And I was totally rewarded for my efforts.
I worried we were going to end up singing something ethnic. Whitney Carey or Rhiannan or something like that. But the track started. And it was Hanson! Three black girls pretending to be two white boys and one white girl three white boys! I couldn’t totally get on board with that and I happily MmmBopped along. I also learned that an “MmmBop” was a unit of time.
I also also learned later that “More Than Words” seems to be about a bj. 😦
“…if you only knew how easy
It would be to show me how you feelMore than words
Is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
‘Cause I’d already know…”
Yeah, that’s not romantic, that’s about a beej. Wish I had realized that in high school. Prom would have been much much different.
Lots of popular songs are confusing. And that’s one of the reasons I love showtunes, because the song “Popular” is not confusing at all.
What’s your go-to karaoke jam? (are we still saying ‘jam’?) Do you think Adam Pascal would let me More Than Words him? Let us know in the comments!
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Dear Diary,
I know that as an Oreo, I should favor tiny, teacup-sized dogs that fit in Hermes bags, take to wearing tiaras and always look scared to death to be alive.
Everyone in this photo is crying on the inside.
I do love all animals, so those shaky little pets are on the list. But, and I hate to admit this, I have a special place in my heart for Pit Bulls.
On paper, this is a terrible idea! Pit Bulls are often associated with the ghetto, they’re banned from many public places and when people see them coming, they often hold their children close and dash to the other side of the street… so Pit Bulls are basically the black people of the dog world. And since they’re kind of black, as an Oreo, I should avoid them at all cost.
Was either unexpectedly approached by a pittie or an RBP. Hard to tell.
But I can’t help it. I love them!
Sure, they have big giant jaws…but those big giant jaws turn into big giant love!!
My what a big smile you have!
They also have big, giant hearts. Yes, these dogs are strong, but they’re also sweet, loyal, dedicated and often misunderstood…which is…you know, not at all how I see myself, even a little bit…
I didn’t realize how much I loved these puppers until my January video, Geeky Pet Names, where I got to work with Angel City Pit Bulls – a rescue org in Los Angeles that everyone should check out and support.
These dogs are also great metaphors. And as a I writer, I’m always looking for one of those that I haven’t exhausted. The video below is a great example of a how a little love and a little understanding can change a little life. It’s also a great example of something that will totally make me cry my eyeballs out at my desk at work. The meeting I’m about to go is gonna be totes awks now with mascara streaming down my face.
As an Oreo, I also know that I should stick to my WASPy roots and not display so much schmaltz and sincerity like I have over these dogs. So here’s me buttoning up my collar before I head off to the courts (that’s tennis courts, not courts of law, in case my black was still showing). After that I’ll swing by the club (yacht, not night) and see if I can’t get some little guy on a leash (no awkward innuendos in that last bit, right?)
-OreoExperience
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Got a pittie? Tell us about ’em!
Got something that makes you cry at your desk? Tell us about that, too!
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Little Oreos
Just a roundup of little things that touched my Oreo heart. 🙂
Bill Cosby Still Hates Black People, But Still Manages to Betray the Oreo Agenda
The Oreo agenda was firmly set with The Cosby Show back in the day. I remember my mom gathering us all to watch it when I was a kid. I always wondered why she seemed to be taking such copious notes. But it wasn’t long before I did, too.
In the last few years, Cos has reminded us over and over again that he’s totally embarrassed by Regular Black People. And really, who isn’t?
And this week he reminded us that he still does. Highlights of his speech at the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition Conference included referring to black kids with the distancing pronoun “it” and calling those children “dirty laundry.”
But there was one thing he said that was so much worse: “There’s no such thing as “talking white.”
WTF??
My whole identity as a child (and the nice reminder I got the other week) was based on the fact that I talked white. Mr. Cosby, please do not destroy decades of hard work with careless, unresearched sentences!
Another little Oreo. Man, that horse was a good sport.
Twitter is the New KFC?
Reports came out this week that show that Twitter is increasingly–and mostly–black.
It’s well-documented that most Twitter users are minorities, but Pew says the gap between African-Americans—the largest represented group—and white users is growing. In May 2011, there were 16 percentage points more African-Americans than whites on Twitter (25 percent African-American versus 9 percent white). Last November the racial divide was only 8 percent (13 percent African-American versus 5 percent white). One in 10 African-American Internet users visit Twitter every day, double the rate of Latinos and nearly four times the rate for whites, according to Pew.
I just got used to Twitter and now I feel like a plain ol’ RBP for hanging out there. More so because once I participated in #blacktagging – that hashtag take on dissing and The Dozens where jokes get passed around (mostly black Twitter circles) with tags like #wordsthatleadtotrouble and #ifhiphopwashighschool (my response to the latter: Flo Rida would have a hard time in geography class).
To my defense, I had just learned that Flo Rida was an entity and I was very busy being completely blown away that a person, their record label, their producers and friends would think that “Flo Rida” was a good name…for anything. And that if they had to call it that, they wouldn’t at least change the spelling so that seeing it didn’t bring up images of hanging chads, Disneyland and Miami Snowbirds.
That is YOUR name, Sunshine State. Take it back!
It’s Fro-Yo, not “Fro”-Yo, You Know?
I went into Pinkberry Saturday night for a much-craved frozen treat. I chose what was meant to be an Oreo-appropriate location – Little Tokyo. There are no black people here. Just white people and Asians–who may actually be the whitest group of all (more of this later). This was the conversation:
Pinkberry Worker: Hi, have you been to Pinkberry before?
OreoExperience: You know, I’ve done Menchie’s and Yogurtland before, but not Pinkberry.
PW: Okay, well, our flavors are up there and you can get a sample any flavor you want. Like do you want to try the watermelon?
Beat.
OE: You know, I think I’m feeling like the tart a little more.
Sigh. I know I liked Yogurtland better, anyway.
But seriously, this stuff is like crack. Only without the baby mamas and unequal sentencing practices.
The phrase “you remind me of _____” is a tricky one. On one hand, you could be setting someone up for a spectacular compliment. Or you could be about to insult them royally. I think I experienced both this weekend.
I was chatting with someone I had just met and he said “Do you know who you remind me of?”
I crossed my fingers hoping he’d say Julie Andrews (she’s delightfully playful and silly and sing like the Dickens!) or Erica Jong (feisty, smart, feministy–I’ll take that) or Tina Fey ( I think I write like her…just whiter).
But he said none of those people.
Instead he said: “You know the girl who played Angela on Boy Meets World…?”
I do know the girl who played Angela on Boy Meets World. That was my favorite show as a tween. It was party of ABC’s TGIF lineup and since I wasn’t doing things like going out or having friends over on Friday nights (because I was …um…just soooo popular that it was impossible to pick….um..yeah…) I watched a lot of TV. The actress who played Angela is Trina McGee and I loved her because she was a total Oreo! She was in an interracial relationship with the troubled best friend of the main character and had no friend of color to speak of. She was an inspiration and hero.
What she wasn’t, was someone who looks anything like me.
Here is a picture of me right now and basically how I looked that night.
Totally candid.
Here are some pictures of Trina McGee.
Let’s see…
I have: a round face, short hair, round nose, hidden cheekbones.
She has: a long face, long hair, slender nose and a relatively defined bone structure.
Hmmm, I wonder what he thought we had in common.
I bet it was our pluck. It’s usually the pluck.
Who do people say you look like? Do you agree with them? And do you like it?
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The Oreo Experience 