8 Other Awesome Things About Slavery

She knows what's up with black people.

This weekend, Michele Bachmann caught some very unwarranted flack for trying to promote marriage and family unity.

Bachmann, along with other Republican politicos, signed a pledge written by activist group  The Family Leader that said this:

“Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President.

The goal of The Family Group and it’s completely inoffensive pledge is ostensibly to push America back to a more family friendly environment by cracking down on abortion, getting rid of porn and by getting all nostalgic for the early days of this country.

Now, some people might say that instead of bringing various sides of an argument together, invoking the institution slavery in a discussion about anything other than actual slavery only serves to polarize anyone who might be reading that document or listening to someone talk about it.

Those people are lame and boring!

Especially because as Bachmann, et al, pointed out, slavery did some real good for black folks! I don’t know if they need another speech writer or document typer-upper. But here are eight other kickass things about slavery that we might want to work into some legal documents!

1. Fitness plans. According to some stats I hastily Googled, almost half of all black people are obese. This article says that in 42 states, more than a third of the black people there are obese. And in 15 states, that number goes up to 40%. I imagine that means that those black people are so fat that…they probably have a number of health problems and are uncomfortable in tiny seats or skinny jeans.

But back in slave days, blacks were super fit!! You can’t have a high body fat percentage when you’re doing hard labor all day. Not only did they get some cardio in when they were running from dogs and bullets and things, but they also got some fantastic strength training by carrying around full bushels of crops.

Not fat.

2. Better names. So there were those studies a while back that showed how identical resumes were handled much differently by recruiters depending on whether they had regular American sounding names or super ethno-black ones.

It was much the same in the good ol’ days. Slaves would come over with these hard to pronounce names and were promptly given new ones. They didn’t have to think about it or sift through dozens of baby name books to figure out if they were more a Madison or a Brighton or a Westley. Slave owners did the work for them! You came into the plantation an Mbutu and left a Marvin. Easy peasy!

3. Zero Percent Unemployment. It’s not new that The Great Recession has been hard on everyone. But statistics show that it’s been super hard on blacks. Whereas the national unemployment rate hovers near 9%, it’s up near 16% for black people and even slightly higher for black men.

That’s so not how it was when slavery was en vogue. You’d be hard pressed to find a black person out of work then. And sure, they didn’t get paid and had to work ridiculous hours, but you know how good an internship looks on a resume!

4. Travel Benefits. Trying to work overseas can be a nightmare! There’s Visas and sponsors to worry about. You have to figure out how to get your paychecks converted into the right currency for whatever bank you’re using. You can’t lose your passport.

But slaves got to work overseas and had someone else take care of all the particulars! All slaves had to do was mind their own business in Africa. Then, suddenly, they got a surprise trip to a whole new world with lodging already taken care of!

Ugh! It's as crowded as coach, am I right!

5. Easier Investment Portfolios. Have you looked at a paycheck recently? They’re so confusing! There’s the gross pay and allowances and all kinds of taxes. And don’t get me started on how complicated it can be to have a 401K! You have to figure out who your dependents are and how much of what stock you want to invest in. And if your company does matching funds, what’s the tipping point when you start taking out too much…it just goes on and on and on…

But slaves didn’t have to worry about all that. No pay meant no financial headache! No one likes doing their taxes and slaves got away with never having to.

6. Lots of Time Outdoors. How tiring is it, being cooped up in an office all day! Fluorescent lights and distant windows and office chairs that never seem to be adjusted quite right. It feels so good to just get away at the weekend. Go outside, take a hike or even just a walk around the neighborhood. Camping is a huge industry–people love it! And those lucky lucky slaves got to be outside all the time!! And they didn’t even have to wear sunscreen!

7. Low-Sugar Diet. We’ve already talked about the obesity rates among blacks, but diabetes is sky-high, too. Diabetes rates are twice as high among African-Americans than it is in whites. And they’re more likely to have to have limbs amputated. No. Thank. You.

It’s hard to over do it on the sugar when you’re eating scraps of meat and bread and so slaves totally had it good when it came to controlling carbs! It’s soooooo hard to say no to dessert. But slaves never got the chance to say yes! How easy would it be to be healthy without all that nasty temptation everywhere!

8. Gated Community Living. Today, neighborhoods where lots of black live are all scary like Compton or Oakland or The South. But as slaves, blacks got to live in super secure, fenced-in areas that would be totes out of their price range today. Jealous!

I mean, no, they didn't live in the big house, but they got to live behind the gate. Which is more than I'm doing, tell you that!

******

For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
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45 comments

  1. I have no more left in me to be amazed at the stupidity of the GOP… i won’t even go into the fact that families were torn apart all the time during slavery…

    I will just comment on the fact that just because parents are not married does not mean both parents are not raising the child… and just because parents are married doesn’t mean that they are both involved…

  2. Just found your blog thru Aliza, LOVE it. Adding to my blog roll. Thank you so much for the comedy and truth.

  3. This bitch is crazy o wouldn’t normally use that word bit if ever given a chance I would slap her for general purposes.

  4. @oreowriter

    You realize if they (whites) were to reinstate slavery, your black/white (externally/internally) ass (fine one at that) would be enslaved too, right? Half-breeds, oreos, whatever. I know this site is satire which is to poke fun at pensive issues but in the end, “reality is real”. Barack failed as president and with this flash mob crap, failing test scores among blacks and high crime rates, people of all walks of life might start reconsidering diversity.

    http://www.amerika.org/politics/diversity-is-failing-for-everyone/

    That’s a pretty light-hearted article. I can show you some forum sites like stormfront or niggermania if you like.

    Be afraid; you are black on the outside. Remember that 🙂

    1. You don’t really think that the U.S government will reinstate slavery, do you? And yeah, it IS a satire site…I’m sure you don’t need to remind her that she’s black…otherwise the blog wouldn’t exist.

  5. @Ryan Dunn

    Yes! Let’s reconsider diversity. First step – swim back to whatever God forsaken island you came from, so you can cross-breed until all of your men and women look exactly like you. It’ll be like you’re screwing yourself! Eventually, your species will have no distinguishing characteristics. There will literally be no diversity. Finally, you won’t have to deal with all those pesky non-you people!

    Be afraid; you are a freakin’ nut-job on the inside. Remember that 🙂

  6. This was really clever. 🙂 It’s really scary that people exist who are this out of touch with their countrymen and women. I mean seriously…who thought it was a good idea to give a nod to the awesome black slave parenting model?

    1. 🙂 Thank you. And yeah, I like thinking about the large number of people who have to approve of something before it makes it to the final version. And how none of those people were like “Ummmm, this thing about slavery….”

    2. I’m so happy you weren’t hurt! That looks like rough damage (and coptelmely LOL’d at your license plate blackout with sad faces!! Too funny!). I was hit by a drunk driver TWICE! Once time my car flipped three times and was clearly totaled and the other time it wasn’t as bad but my car was totaled then too when a DD hits you (I have found) insurance companies are quick to get you off their back and cut you a check! Hopefully you will get your car looking brand stinkin’ new in no time! Keeping my fingers crossed!AND I AM LOVING YOUR RECOMMENDATIONS! Have a very great and relaxing weekend!XOXOStephanie @ Blonde Highlights recently posted..

  7. I am white, and I love history. I LOVE black history and Civil War history about the same. They both make up American history. The comment made by Mrs. Bachmann is ignorant and unfounded. Facts were never taken in consideration. Consider slave families were more apt to brokeness due to families being seperated at plantation owner’s whims or economic situations. I’m embarrassed and disillusioned by American politics altogether, and believe we haven’t had a GREAT or inspiring president since Ronald Reagan. I yearn for better options. I take into consideration the statement Mrs. Bachmann made and wish the GOP, and democrats for that matter, had better options altogether. I don’t long for the past, but I long for better options. I appreciate your site. It’s refreshing to be able to read into your words and find a different angle to these truths. You are one smart young lady. And regardless of race, I wish more people were like you. Not white, not black, just yourself… intelligent, thoughtful, and attractive to boot! Funny, when a person tries to live up to some stigma, they’re more attractive anyhow. Keep it up, “Independent” minds are reading between your lines, maybe we can somehow someday get over and beyond this mess!

    1. I mis-stated that last comment… I meant to say, “Funny when a person tries NOT to live up to some stigma, they’re more attractive anyway.” I apologize and retract that previous statement. I’m sorry for misquoting myself.

      1. You do realize all the bad things Ronald Reagan did to black people right? Reaganomics, unemployment, criminalizing their entire community with his “War on Drugs”. I don’t think blacks are too inspired by Ronald Reagan.

  8. Is this bitch serious? O she had a little croud to cheer her on. How dumb are you to say things like that. In of course these dumb ass people on here really listening to this shit. Trying to make it a funny situation for the white people. Now you got me sounding real dumb. I just had to really comment on this stupid ass blog. its not useful at all.

    1. It’s a satire blog…of course we know what Michelle Bachmann said was ridiculous (it sure didn’t get her the nomination) and that’s why the author can easily make fun of it. You can’t take everything too seriously. And no, it’s not a funny situation for the white people because not all white people approved of Bachmann’s statement. And even the ones who did prolly wouldn’t find this post funny.

    1. You’re missing out on free clothing, housing, and cool work paths outside slave or inside one. I mean there is no confusion on those darn career choices. Slavery it was just a bag of fun I wonder why we complain about it. Ah, maybe like Voltaire she was using great wit, hahahahahahahaWahahaha!

  9. I know this was a satire to make fun of the GOP. And in that aspect you have a good point that was an insensitive comment. But at its core can you really argue with it? Every statistic there is with subject matter pertinent to blacks highlights reasons they fail to perform up to par. I’m not saying there aren’t examples of great black human beings. But as a race the sum total of their contribution to America, and even the world in fact end up leaning to a negative impact. And oh yes you can talk about the blues and MLK and jazz and examples of cultural impact. I’m not going to go deep into it but the spread of aids, crime, unemployment, welfare, and many more. Like I don’t even need to elaborate and you know what I’m talking about. I say the word welfare and you know I’m talking about the staggering statistics that show the disparity of blacks on welfare. Still having 9 children families at the ripe age of 14 and complaining about the white mans burden. And yes. Today half of black people are obese. Half…….whites from state to state never reaches above 35% and in most is well below 20%. And you can say this is because of what American policies and culture has done to the black man. And I may even allow that arguement because there’s an easy way to go over its head (even though at this point in America blacks have nobody to blame but themselves). But look at Africa. An entire continent that exhibits the sum total of what happens when blacks are left to their own devices. I’m not saying we should go back to slavery. And that blacks are lesser humans. There is no excuse for the inhumane torturous activity that is done in the name of race. But with all that blacks have exhibited. How can you argue with a person being disgusted by them? How can you argue with the first image of an African American that comes to mind is a morbidly obese creature holding 10 children with fathers either I’m jail or anywhere else but in their kids lives. I hate when people are cruel to others due to race. But at the same time. How can I not look at the “average” African American and not be disgusted. And I say “average”. Because on average based on numbers that is what you get with blacks. I may not agree with them personally but I have no problem with Obama. He is a respectable person. And uhhh who else? The hardest part is actually thinking of another respectable black person. And no jay-z doesn’t count he used to sell crack and is still just another black rapper. Jay fuckimg Z is like the black American dream these days. Sell crack until your music game picks up. I havnt met a homeless/gangbanger that doesn’t have a “music game”. It’s like that’s the new title instead of “unemployed”. And sports. You have sports too. How many black entrepreneurs who were never at one point in their lives a criminal of some kind? I know some of you are still saying jay-z out there. And I like hova as much as the next guy but he’s no model person. More black children grew up with both parents during slavery then now. That is horrifying. Even when they were property, bought and sold without a second thought…….the contemporary black family has still somehow managed to fuck it up. Don’t let anybody tell you that black people aren’t dependable. You can always count on them to fuck up.

    I really hope some black people and whites alike comment back about this. I really want to hear some intelligent responses. And no that does not mean an individual black girl saying I’m wrong because she’s not fat and she has a father. I’m not complaining about the individual. I’m pointing to the race as a whole. Just as all whites aren’t like one blacks aren’t all like their stereotype. But as current statistics and facts show. The vast majority of blacks now and throughout history cause or participate in things that negatively impact the world we are forced to share

    1. I’m sure we were just fine in our little huts in Africa, we were not asked to come to America and “fuck up” the Americans “plans”. I love when someone has the audacity to look at me in disgust. Yes I am the average Black Woman and proud of it. I would not change anything about my light brown skin. It hurts to know that people are not proud with how God made them inside and out, that’s what make us special in his eyes. Although I have not read all the blogs but, I have not seen God mentioned in all these intelligent comments. Oh well, love, peace and hair grease! 🙂 🙂

  10. Who ever wrote this is dumb and unsensitive they were starved that is why they were skinny alot of them were crowded on the ship and caugt diseases and die what you wrote is dumb and not funny some things you just don’t play about.

  11. Useful writing ! my business partners some time ago located https://goo.gl/dZnwre to import pdf , It’s pretty straightforward to try out and it’s top-notch !

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