opening this weekend

Rules Were Made to Be Broken…

…or at least to find workarounds…

One of the most important Oreo rules is that we do not fraternize with other of colors.

Be the only one in a crowd and you add just enough color to make things interesting. You provide a resource for people to ask all those questions they ~~know are annoying, so they realize it’s in their best interest not to ask an RBP~~ never got to ask before. You give people an out when they’re accused of living a sheltered life. You add a touch of surprise and joy when you karaoke to Carrie Underwood instead of Queen Bey. You are a precious gift. Like saffron or a unicorn. Doing your golden unicorn thing.

Show up as two of a kind and you look like a gang. Date another black and you’ve gone from being interesting and worldly to just being predictable. Start pairing up with other of colors and you run the risk of commiserating about society’s structural inequalities, making plans to attend an August Wilson festival, wondering if you do spend too much time and money erasing all the ethnicity out of your hair, and forgetting every single one of your favorite frittata recipes.

So as a young Oreo, you make a promise to never even look twice at another member of the tribe and all is good and right with the world.

Except for days like today when you accidentally watch a trailer for Lee Danile’s The Butler.

I know, I know. Dangerous territory here. It’s a slippery slope from checking out what skinny Forrest Whitaker is up to to thinking to yourself: “I don’t know, maybe Precious based on the novel Push by Sapphire isn’t so bad,” to saying aloud: “Sure, there are some problems in the denouement, but Madea does make me laugh,” to screaming: “Fuck it, break out the fried okra, let’s put on a do-rag and watch Roots!”

Also dangerous: One Mr. David Oyelowo who stars in this film.

Those eyes. That jaw line. That smirk. Goddarn that smirk. Goddarn it right to heck!!! That way that suit hangs on that shoulder. That…accent?

Fortunately, I hadn’t snapped to my senses and turned off the TV, so I heard a snippet of a soundbite and it turns out he sounds like this:

He’s British! That’s about as far from being an RBP as you can possibly get. The Queen’s English isn’t in the same vein as Ebonics. It’s not even in the same hemisphere!

(…I think..geogrraphy wasn’t my strongest subject)

This star crush might be safe after all.

Watching that preview and invoking the knowledge of Tyler Perry definitely wasn’t, safe however. So please excuse me, I’m going to catch up on my Downton Abbey reruns and practice some Monsters and Men for my next karaoke night.

What do you think? Should I sandwich Mr. Oyelowo in between Hugh Grant and John Slattery (happy birthday to him today, btw!) on my celebrity freebies list? Who are your celebrity crushes? Let us know in the comments!

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Trailer Trashing – Transformers, Larry Crowne, Monte Carlo

Hey, look at that — free time! Quite the concept this “free time” business. I should look into it more often.

I should also get caught up on my pop culture.

Movies are a great way to solidify your Oreo experience. The repeated images of certain types of people doing certain types of things really reminds us who we are and who we can…or probably cannot be.

So let’s see what’s opening this weekend!

Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Robots do battle in what is clearly an intricate and well-developed plot… Is it weird that I had a huge crush on StarScream when I was a kid?

Stuff White People Get to Do in This Movie – Be astronauts, threaten Shia LeBoeuf, lie to robots, wear Kevlar, replace Megan Fox while still keeping eyes wide and mouth always slightly ajar, para-glide, seriously–in every shot she’s in in the trailer, the girl’s mouth is open and she’s not speaking what is up with that?, be both able-bodied and sit in a wheelchair, save the day.

Stuff Not-White People Get to Do in This Movie – wear Kevlar and deliver bad news.

Is there a medical reason why her lips can't touch? Should we start a fund?

Larry Crowne – Julia Roberts, Tom Hanks and Magical Black People, oh my!

Stuff White People Get to Do in This Movie – enjoy a simple, but oddly fulfilling job, be employee of the month, hold the power position(s) at a large company, be a Dean/Principal figure, be adorably bumbling, dislike their challenging, but unfulfilling job, enjoy ice irresponsibly, utilize public transportation, ride scooters safely, change the tough chick’s heart despite her best attempts, demonstrate hilariously uncharacteristic sexual abandon, enjoy love with a hint of embarrassment.

Stuff Not-White People Get to Do in This Movie – marvel at the ability of the white guy to be employee of the month, deliver sassy advice to the white guy, help the white guy realize his fashion and romantic potential, be made an example of, be unnecessarily jealous.

They're so in love and they don't even know it!!

Monte Carlo – Wait, what? Movies can cast quasi-minorities in lead roles in films that have nothing to do with them dressing in drag?

I know, TP, I was confused and hurt, too.

And instead of magical black people, there are two magical white people? AND the main character with a ~~Mexican~~ Spanish last night is pretending to be a white princess?? I can only hope that one day my Oreoness takes me to a place where I can pretend to be a white princess. AND Catherine Tate is in this movie?!?!? Cue Oreo explosion in 3…2…1…

Granted, the feminist implications of this film are pretty terrible (“teehee, despite all my hard work and brains, i just want castles and jewels and pretty and boys and boys!”), but that’s for a whole different blog. I’m still thrilled about the CT cameo. I ain’t even bovvered to pay money for that!

For more talk about trailers, click here and let us know what you think!

In case you caught that Star Scream story and want more about TOE’s dubious crushes, check out this story!

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Teasing from Teasers

Happy he's not an RBP

Playing with a new title, because that’s exactly what teasers do…Fun little pokes in the ribs to remind you of fantasy and fun. Teasers definitely tease the Oreo by showing them exactly what they’re working toward and what — with enough wassail-laced hoilday caroling parties and overtimes at hockey games — might be theirs!

Let’s take a look at what’s opening this weekend and see what we learn about how much more fun it is to not be an RBP (click here for definition).

The Chronicles of Narnia – Voyage of the Dawen Treader: The wardrobe kids are at it again

Stuff White People Seem Do In This Movie – join the military, reprimand their brothers, fell out of place in the real world, nearly drown in a painting, sail beautiful ships, look like Keanu Reeves, be evil, be good, dream of what could be.
Stuff Black People Seem Do In This Movie – Do not appear. And I guess that makes sense. There probably weren’t a ton of people in that era of that part of England. You know, the era where paintings came to life and kids were besties with lions.

The Tourist – Europe is Sexy and Dangerous and Sexy!

Stuff White People Seem To Do In This Movie – have sexy affairs, wear sexy dresses, wear sexy suits, have sexy accents, drive sexy boats, flutter their sexy bedroom eyes, get caught up in sexy adventures of mistaken identity.
~~Stuff Black People Seem To Do In This Movie –~~

I guess it’s to be somewhat expected. I mean, people tend to make movies about themselves, starring themselves. The Tourist director, Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck is German, so it makes sense that he’d make a movie about vaguely British people played by Americans with affected accents.

The Fighter – Marky Mark and Christian Bale – effing tough and effing hot.

Stuff White People Seem To Do In This Movie – joke around with their siblings, box, train hard, have daughters, have difficult families, have dreams, train boxers, work in bars, insult women, defend women, lose the fight, lose hope, make sports deals, turn their backs on their families, go to jail, reconcile with their families, triumph.
Stuff Black People Seem To Do In This Movie – pose an intimidating threat, beat the shit out of the hero, get beaten by the hero, work in jail.

The Tempest – Oh, Julie Taymor with your eccentricities

Stuff White People Seem To Do In This Movie – conjure storms and fire, sail ships, be spirits, fall in love, perform ~~Christopher Marlowe’s~~ Shakespeare’s comedy, take revenge, make potions, turn into birds, dress in drag, enjoy a little homoeroticism, dance like nobody’s watching.
Stuff Black People Seem To Do In This Movie – I’m not sure exactly, but he seems to be giving advice or having a mud bath go terribly wrong.

Hmmm, maybe I should add “actor” to the list of jobs that it’s cool for an Oreo to have.

Seeing anything this weekend? What’ll it be?

Also, not to be a bad Oreo, but the last time I read Shakespeare, it kind of made my head explode. I remember it being so easy in high school. What happened? (Though I make up for it a bit in this video.) When I go back and check out The Scarlet Letter, will I be equally as surprised at how not-easy it is to skim through?

Trailer Talk

It's "Black Swan"...not Blaaaack Swizan

Nothing makes me want to shed my ethnicity like going to the movies. Soooooo jealous of all the fun white people get to have. At the same time, however, it lets me know that be loathing the skin I’m in, I’m on the right track. I mean, I saw the trailer for For Colored Girls. Yikes! Being a Regular Black Person (RBP for the newbies) looks really hard and sad and scary and seems to make you way more likely to cut a bitch.

And I don’t want to cut any bitches.

Taking a look at the movies opening this week (and some from last since I missed an entry) to see what best firms up my commitment to being an Oreo!

Black Swan – Ballet, Portman and girl-on-girl love, oh my!

Stuff White People Do In This Movie – talk to themselves, dance ballet, be overbearing, hold lavish parties, create competition, go en pointe, take advantage, take baths, take off running, shapeshift.

Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – n/a…I mean, have you seen the way RBP dance? Definitely would not fit in with this movie.

All Good Things – Ryan Gosling tries to escape his complicated, tortured past

Stuff White People Do In This Movie -wear tuxes with huge bowties, arrive mysteriously, have dinner with friends, play tennis, visit the other side of the tracks, get married, disapprove of weddings, enjoy lakeside chats, get caught up in the family business, dramatically remove glasses.

Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – Do not appear, though I suspect there might be one at one of those parties serving drinks or parking cars.

Dead Awake -Best I can tell, there’s a mystery…and death…and skip-bleach processing

Stuff White People Do In This Movie – Pensively watch home movies, relieve events, trap loved ones, see ghosts, get admitted to hospitals, yell, cry, walk precariously on the edge of buildings.

Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – do not appear

I Love you, Phillip Morris -Jim Carey looks pretty decent in briefs.

Stuff White People Do In This Movie – be lawyers, be judges, be charming white collar criminals, have families, play in the grocery store, fall in love, wear yellow n jail, golf, have pets, get in over their heads, have unusually understanding spouses, crossdress.

Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – populate the prison, work as a prison guard, work as a mover.

I think it’s neat that on the streets, in the courtroom and at the grocery store there are no black people. Why? Well, you see that once they get to the jail…that’s there the RBP are!

Night Catches Us – Oh look, here are some black people in a movie. Wonder what they’ll do!

Stuff White People Do In This Movie – frisk an RBP.

Stuff Black People Do In This Movie – get into bar fights, explain their absence, be loathe to forgive, get handcuffed–shirtless, look lovely on a porch swing, be Black Panthers, carry handguns, threaten their friends, carry rifles, shoot firearms at children, try to explain things to their children, run for cover, wipe prints off handguns.

Holyeffingyikes, being of color is rough and scary!

The Warriors Way – Ninjas V. Cowboys?

I tried to say some snarky stuff about this one, but it kinda looks really badass….No black people, though. And I guess, sure there weren’t too many black folks in the Old West, but there weren’t flying ninjas, either.

Why does this matter to Oreos? Well, whether we like it or not, people are very much affected by what they see on TV. It’s why advertising works. So to remind us over and over that of colors are at best marginal players and at worst criminals, it really helps those of us trying to hide our true colors find better and better hiding places.