Diary of a Mad Black White Woman – Hail to the Chief

Dear Diary:

It’s obviously fun to blend inI’ve spent a lot of years, a lot of dollars and perfected a lot of grimaces at the salon to do so. I mean, who doesn’t want to look like you belong, to get the invitations to THE events and to not be shoved on the ground just because you bought an overpriced belt.

But getting profiled and being harassed based on your looks gives you cool stories, bro. Not getting profiled doesn’t. Hence the fact that my yesterday was fairly uneventful.

What, this? Oh, nothing. Just the leader of the free world hanging out where I have coffee everyday. nbd

What, this? Oh, nothing. Just the leader of the free world hanging out where I have coffee everyday. nbd
(photo courtesy of Madison Sellers)

I mean sure, President Obama came to my work and I got to see him speak from 30 metres away. Yes, that happened. But some of the people I worked with got to see the President speak from 30 metres away AND got to tell everyone how intense security was with them. At their obligatory dinners tomorrow, they’re going to be ones getting sympathy and attention because they were roughly turned away from stairwells, had dogs search their bags and got wands stuck in uncomfortable places.

I’ll only be getting sympathy and attention because my hosts will find it unfathomable that my jaw can actually unhinge and that that much stuffing can fit inside one human being. During our President’s Day, none of the SWAT/CIA/FBI/Secret Service/Glendale Police even looked twice at me. I got to go up a blocked off flight of stairs as a (white) co-worker was questioned before he could proceed up the same stairs. And even though I went through 2 mandatory metal detectors, when I held my arms out to let the guy rub that stick on me, both times I was waved on with nary even a flick of that stick. Apparently “stop and frisk” isn’t really that big of an issue.


I know I’m supposed to be happy about this. The fact that I was ignored means that I blended in. The way that I looked, spoke and comported didn’t raise any hackles or pique any suspicions. According to law enforcement, I looked just like everyone else– a success in an Oreo’s book.

But I’m wondering: maybe becoming one with the majority isn’t just about being profiled or not. Maybe it’s about where and how you get profiled. Any ol’ RBP can get stopped in Beverly Hills or handcuffed in the Upper West Side. That’s to be expected. That’s what RBP do.  But since domestic terror suspects aren’t usually black people, maybe it should be the goal of a true and dedicated Oreo one day be mistaken for one (a terror suspect, not a black person, let’s not get crazy). Yes, I think that’s what it is.  It’s not that I’m impossible to please, it’s just that an Oreo’s work is never done.

I’m sure I’m in part just overreacting to what was a perfectly fine and historic event. So,  I’m going to get back to finishing this Earl Grey and quiche and start hoping for what will happen at airport security when I head back to London next fall. Fingers crossed that the stories will be epic! 

For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)

You Can’t Say That on Television…Without Letting Me Know to Tune In!

Aasif Mandvi - those eyes, that smirk, that ability to make people forget that their words are being broadcast to millions and that there are such things as "consequences" mmmmmmmm

Aasif Mandvi – those eyes, that smirk, that ability to make people forget that their words are being broadcast to millions and that there are such things as “consequences”  – Yum!

In case you didn’t catch Thursday’s Daily Show clip that everyone is talking about, here’s the Reader’s Digest version: (Note to self: Find out if people still read Reader’s Digest)

Aasif Mandvi interviewed Don Yelton, a GOP Precinct Captain from North Carolina. During the interview, the two discussed voting rights generally, and more specifically, the fact that since the Supreme Court repealed part of the Voting Rights Act, North Carolina has done what it can to make sure that only the right people get the right vote. Yelton agrees with this practice and supports oppressive voting rules that keep various populations out of the polls. Oh, and he’s super racist about it.

If you haven’t seen the video, it’s worth a watch. So click here for that. Don’t worry, we’ll wait. (and if someone wants to teach me how to embed Daily Show clips on WordPress, there’s a bright and shiny oatmeal raisin cookie in it for you!)

HmmmmmhmmmmmooooooAAAAAAAAAAlalalalalawhatdoesthefoxsaytchofftchofftchoffalliwantedwastobreakyourwaaaalllllsbuteverybody’slikecristalmaybachdiamondsonyourtimepiecesomethingsomethingtigersonagold — oh you’re back!

So yeah. I watched that video and as you might expect, I was pissed.

That guy was so phoning it in! Sure, he trotted out uncomfortably bigoted phrases like “one of my best friends is black,” and “lazy blacks,” and “we call them negroes,” and yes, he even dropped the n-word a couple of times. Good for him, but he left so many great phrases out!

With just one more ounce of sticktoitiveness, Mr. Yelton could have done us the favor of saying words and phrases like:

  • Welfare queens
  • Food stamp president
  • Tar baby
  • They just don’t value education
  • Our blacks are better than theirs
  • Look, if it wasn’t for slavery, they’d all still be smashing rocks and throwing spears in Africa
  • What’s the difference between a pizza and a black guy
  • Can I touch your hair
  • The Holocaust? Yeah, I’ve heard that propaganda before.
  • Fried chicken and diabetes

With just one or two extra phrases, I could have totally won last night’s game of Unbelievably Dumb And Totally Cliched Right Wing Racist Things Bingo–a game I play weekly. PM me for deets on the next location.


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Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Mittens Might be an Oreo!

Granted, he’s not black (lucky!) but per recently leaked footage, it appears as though Mitt Romney might qualify for honorary Oreoship.

Things kinda make more sense now. Welcome to the fold, Romrom. Can I call you Romrom?

From abcnews.com:

Leaked video of Republican nominee Mitt Romney at closed-door fundraisers show him saying that “no matter what” he does, 47 percent of the population is going to vote for Obama because they are “are dependent upon government.” 

The video clips, which were posted by Mother Jones, show Romney telling donors that 47 percent of voters will chose Obama “no matter what” because they are people “who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. That that’s an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what…These are people who pay no income tax.”

The core principle of Oreodom is hating the skin you were born in. Oreos revel in our self-loathing. And there’s no way you can communicate this kind of disdain for nearly half the population of the country of your birth and not kinda think you’re the yuck.

Romney’s picture of America is one full of lazy, shiftless people who don’t have jobs and don’t care to. Who don’t work and who just expect someone to give them whatever they want. That’s his version of “American” and he’s got to claim that nationality, too! I imagine his heart hurts just a bit every time he looks at his passport the way mine does whenever I have to fill out census forms.

It must pain him so much when he sends cash to the Caimans, Switzerland and his horse to know that’s he doing something that looks so much like what those embarrassing Americans do. It’s like when I Zumba and I know it looks like I’m shaking what God gave me like an RBP would, but really I’m just trying to add a bit of Paso Doble to a straightforward Cha Cha. But alas, people often can’t tell the difference. And that’s just like Mitt!  There’s a huge difference between what Romney does with his cash and the poor think about doing with the cash they don’t have. Romney isn’t avoiding paying taxes, trying to game a system or using loopholes in his favor. He’s saving his money. Maybe if those jobless baby mamas had done that, they’d be able to cure their own cancer and set their own bones and not come crying with their hands out.

So lazy, amiright!!

And it only gets worse for Romney. Not only does he share the country code of a bunch of asshole losers, he also had to look at their names on pieces of paper and spreadsheets for years—a constant reminder of how many people didn’t have to good sense to be born to millionaires. Sure, he was one of the lucky Americans who managed to escape the curse of his birth, but he shares eye color and body type with so many dicks that I’d be shocked if he didn’t consider some sort of surgery—the way all ethnic Oreos try colored contacts at least once.

When he was busy buying companies, Romney probably had to occasionally stroll through hallways next to people who get paid wages and not salaries. It’s likely that some of their “we’d really like insurance” sweat might have rubbed off on him. No wonder he had to fire so many of them. He needed to get them as far away from his as possible so he didn’t have to risk being associated with being so disgusting. It’s the same reason ethnic Oreos sign up before attending Regattas. We go in shifts so we don’t start clumping together and looking like a gang.

And how did those people who lost their jobs on a dime because Bain came in and ripped it out from under them repay Mitt? By becoming good for nothings who “need help” during “the worst economic climate since the Great Depression.” When really, he was giving them training they would never get on the job or in the colleges they could never afford to attend–the value of a birthright.

Settle down. Look, you were told there wouldn’t be extra credit on this exam at the beginning of life. It’s not his fault you didn’t re-read the syllabus.

With all this guilt by association to deal with, Romrom must hate himself a little bit. Especially since it was clear he didn’t do enough. If he had really been on his game, he would have just shipped the people along with their jobs overseas. Instead, he’s forced to walk around a country where, in the right light or if he gets caught without a suit, he might be mistaken for someone who doesn’t have the means to exploit, evade and enact the will of in God we Trust. Poor guy. I’m sure he won’t make the same mistake twice. Like the time I went out with a hip hoppy guy just because he was white. Sure, he wasn’t an RBP, but it was too close for comfort. Never again. I still have nightmares.

Every now and then, someone turns up to be a surprise Oreo. (I’m looking at you, Tyler Perry!) And it appears Romney’s joining the ranks as well. How should we welcome him?

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Watch fun Oreo videos on youtube!

Racist or Just Busy?

Politicians have this way of saying things that to the untrained ear sound “mean” or “racist” or “really really dumb.”

But I don’t think it’s that sinister. What do you think? Check out the video and then let us know in the comments!


For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

The Obama Problem – He Knows Where You Keep it.

When travelling, it’s important to keep the Oreo identity up even overseas (more on that when I get back). But thanks to news about tax time in the states, that wasn’t so difficult.

Having a (half) black (so says the Census) president is an interesting situation for an Oreo.

First, we were forced to choose between John McCain (the Oreo choice for strictly societal reasons) and Obama (the obvious choice per society if you were of color…or a person). Check one box and you can set yourself apart from all of the world’s expectations and be the subject of interesting conversations. Check the other and you could sleep a little better at night. 

And now, thanks to a (half) black man in the White House, we’re often told that because we’re living in post-racial America, there’s no need for Oreos at all. But we still have an awesome opportunity!

Because now, Oreos can listen to Tea Party rants and figure out a great political party with which to align. No one’s gonna see it coming if you check the box for Tea Party. What better way to express your self loathing than that!

Now, in order to do this, you’re going to have to ignore some of what the socialists like to call “facts.” Like how we’re actually paying less in taxes under Obama than we were under Bush. So says Bruce Bartlett, a fiscal conservative and member of W’s and Reagan’s team.

“Federal taxes are very considerably lower by every measure since Obama became president…. and last year’s stimulus bill, enacted with no Republican support, reduced federal taxes by almost $100 billion in 2009 and another $222 billion this year.”

And here are some other numbers to back that up. These are from the Examiner.

In fact, nearly every American saw their tax burden decrease under Obama administration policies.  No matter how you look at the data Americans are generally paying a lesser percentage of their income in federal taxes than before President Obama.  For example, an average family making between $40,000-$50,000 is paying $472 less than when President Obama came into office.  An average taxpayer making $50,000-$75,000 is paying $522.

But spouting something like that would make you sound like an RBP. Instead, pass around this video brought to you by our friends and golf partners at the RNC.

What do you think? Did you feel more of a pinch this year? Has your return been lackluster? Or do you think that we’re doing okay tax-wise?

Congrats Obama! Matthews forgot you were black.

…we should all be so lucky!

While speaking about President Obama’s State of the Union Address, pundit Chris Matthews said that he forgot Obama was black because there was no “ethnicity” or “tribalism” in his speech.

It is a slippery slope from admitting to being of color to clicking like a Zimbabwean tribesman, which is why The Oreo Experience suggests removing all vestiges of ethnicity from speech. 

Because Obama was so eloquent, Matthews was able to only dedicate half of this 2 and some odd-minute soundbite to the way the President sounded (and not what he actually said) instead of having to spend the entire 180 seconds trying to read through awkward slang. 

Thank you, Mr. Obama. Though you are not truly an Oreo, you are certainly an inspiration. 

And Mr. Matthews, if I leave you a voicemail, will you pay me the same compliment? I could talk about politics, or the delightful peach tartin I just put in the oven. 


Obama Takes Don’t Ask Don’t Tell From Gays, Gives to Oreos

alg_obama_dont_askWASHINGTON – In a highly anticipated move this weekend, President Barack Obama promised gays in the military that they would soon no longer have to abide by the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Policy and told Oreos that they would soon be able to.


“This is a huge victory,” said Trevor Wilcox, an Oreo from New Hampshire. “It always comes up in conversation that we’re ‘different than other black people.’ Now, the phrase ‘black people’ can’t even enter into the conversation. It’s like hiding in plain sight. We couldn’t be happier.”


At the President’s historic speech, some Oreos expressed their condolences toward the gay community.


Said Becky Harris, an Oreo from Buffalo, Wyoming: “You would think as a near-Oreo himself, Obama would know better than to ask gays to be openly against the mainstream. I mean, during his campaign, Obama went through great pains to support white frustration at black angst, distance himself from his black pastor and have his wife wear J. Crew.”


At the end of the speech, the crowd of thousands cheered Obama’s pledge. However, if the new Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy goes the way of of Obama’s other campaign promises, these changes won’t go into effect until sometime in the 3000s.