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Diary of a Mad White Black Woman – The Bachelor

Dear Diary,

So there’s all this hoopla in the news lately over a lawsuit brought against The Bachelor. Plaintiffs maintain that the show is all racist and whatnot because there’s never been a black Bachelor or Bachelorette.

Hello??! Of COURSE there hasn’t been!

Look. I’ve seen (commercials for) Flavor of Love. I’ve watched (The Soup make fun of) For the Love of Ray Jay. I can’t imagine that anyone’s watching What Chili Wants. And I watched (so that I could make fun of) the trailer for thrice-divorced dating guru Steve Harvey’s Think Like a Man. So I know what happens when you put RBP all up in a dating scenario.

Okay, fine. But what are the odds of it happening twice??
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It just makes sense that the producers of the show wouldn’t subject the nation to a Bachelor or -ette of color. Once you throw some RBP in the mix, the whole thing will just become a tawdry, backstabby, immature, travesty of a show and mockery of romance.

The Bachelor, after all, is about helping people find true love, not helping them find their baby daddies.

Those producers go through great pains to create an environment where love will flourish as it was naturally meant to… in front of millions of peoples, with unhealthy amounts of alcohol, more than a handful of contrived situations, group dates, overused hot tubs,  night-vision cameras and follow-up interviews…all the things that two complete strangers need to understand if they have the emotional, physical, intellectual and spiritual capabilities that will allow them to commit to marrying each other about 5 weeks after they meet for the very first time.

Congratulations. You're still in the running for the chance to become America's Next Top Hasbeen...or maybe a Kardashian if you play your cards right!
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I can only hope that this suit goes away so that we’re not subjected to some Affirmative Action Bachelor.

And okay, fine. Even after my horrible experience with being included in a bit of reality TV, I kinda just had to try out for the show.

Why not go out for it? I’m a single lady after all. And if they’re only using white guys as the Bachelors, I’ll totally let one of those Anglo Saxon Sexies put a ring on it.

(My apologies for quoting the Beyonce. It won’t happen again. )

What do you think? Does it matter who gets to publicly date a douche? Let us know in the comments!

***************************
For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Why I’m Bad at Being Brown – Reason #1248

…Because I wasn’t offended by this piece of performance art:

In case it’s not clear what going on there, here’s the sitch. Swedish artist Makode Linde wanted to make a statement about female circumcision. So he made a body out of red velvet cake, situated himself as the head and screamed when people cut into it.

Lots of people were upset at the caricaturish cake lady and called the piece racist.

But honestly, I was too bothered by the concept of eating a screaming cake to be offended. Also a little bummed that I have to think about bloody, tattered labia whenever I cut into some Heaven-sent red velvet.

(And now you will, too!)

Mmmmm, oppression.
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And it did give me another reason to believe that I’m definitely not an RBP  because I couldn’t possibly be descended from people who would go through this. Not because having your twat cut off or sewn up would make it difficult to procreate and thus decrease the likelihood that The Oreo Experience would ever spring forth from your horribly abused loins. Rather because I am way too much of a pussy to be the owner of genes that could endure the rights of passage that brown people the world over seem to be able to handle.

I’ve talked about my shameful love of reality TV on the blog before. Currently, I’ve moved on from Housewives and Models though and am dealing with darker shows… Intervention, Taboo, Chopped.

For those who haven’t seen Taboo, here’s the sitch. It’s a show that looks at other societies doing things that we in the West would typically find objectionable. Things like building your house on top of a grave, drinking piss for fun and hurting yourself in the name of becoming a man or woman. Just look at some of this stuff!!

Here’s a kid willfully sticking his hands into gloves filled with thousands of poisonous, angry ants. He’ll have to do this 18 more times to win at being a man.

Here’s a kid spending a coupla hours get cut all over with razors.

Here’s a dude who’s not Jesus willingly letting himself get crucified.

Fuck!
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And here’s a lady breastfeeding a pig.

Not as painful, but still....no thank you.

I’m such a wimp about pain that I passed out when my friend broke their toe. If anyone ever tried to do any of the above things to me, I would die instantly. Seriously, if I were a tribal dude and someone was like “okay, well, time to cut all your skin off so you can prove you’re a man.” I’d be like “Wait, what? Ohhhh, no, I’m not a boy, this is just a long clit.” Then they’d be like “okay, let’s cut it off then, so you can stay the pure woman you are and let this pig suckle from your bosom.” And then I’d just kill myself.

I know the Romans and Gaels and Saxons did effed up shiz to human bodies, too…but at least they had the good sense not to do it to themselves! Not saying my first choice for a Tuesday night would be to watch a torture party in the Coliseum, but at least I’d be able to keep my privates.

A friend did mention to me recently that the West’s lack of truly challenging rights of passage might be contributing to certain social ills (basically the super indulgent “why me ennui” that so many folks seem to be afflicted with when the only thing wrong with their lives is that they don’t have their dream job at 23). What do you think? Do we need to bring back more intense ways of letting people belong to the tribe? Let us know in the comments!

Oh, and if your answer to the above question is “yes,” do me a favor and give me a running start, m’kay?

***************************
For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

*Shameless Oreo Plug. 1) SmartyPig is a totally cool $-savings tool! I highly recommend it. b) So I have the opportunity to meet with an actor who I love love love in the UK this summer. Trying to make it a successful working holiday and take some other Brit talent out for a pint with the hope of writing for them one day. Should anyone feel inclined to help an Oreo purchase one of those pints, it would be totes appreciated. You can learn more about my trip, and SmartyPig at this link.

Saying Goodbye…and Hello Again

Remember when we used to write numbers down...and remember them?? I barely know my own number anymore!
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Okay, I promise that the following post was motivated by the arrival of Spring, the effect of doing my taxes and by this post at GOOD.is about clearing out useless cellphone contacts and not at all by the fact that I got dumped this week.

Here’s how everything led to the post below.

Spring – As soon as it’s time to switch out the winter wardrobe for fun dresses and shirts that require an architectural model to figure how to make a bra work with them, I also feel like I should clean out things besides my closet. I toss months of useless paperwork because it’s just taking up space and even though it only pings my brain in tiny, tiny ways, it might be best to not have that distraction at all.

Taxes – Going through old receipts is like creating a horrible timeline of the stupid decisions I made in the past year. Here’s the few hundred I spent flying across the country to see someone I *just* met. Here’s the ridiculous number of drinks I consumed at that work event. Here’s the extra tank of gas I spent trying to find a Downtown LA address because I refuse to just buy a GPS. Seeing them all enumerated and put into my accountant’s spreadsheet makes me think I should also see about adiosing the people who I let drive me to such decisions.

The post at GOOD.is – The writer did exactly what I’ve been thinking of and purged cell phone contacts that were no longer serving their purpose.

Getting dumped – Why would we even bring this up? Sure, I’ll delete that contact, but whatever! I was gonna delete a bunch of others anyway. So…yeah. No big deal. At all. Just coincidental timing.

So here we go!

Folks In My Phone I’m Deleting

I can do this...I can do this...
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  • This whisky bar I sometimes go to. I never call it ever. No idea why I put this number in.
  • This graphic designer I never worked with.
  • This actor I directed in a play and haven’t spoken to since 2008.
  • This guy I used to work with and I’m not even sure if he still lives in LA. Either way, neither of us work at the place where we met and haven’t spoken since 2009.
  • This guy I used to improvise with and haven’t talked to since 2010. I think he has kids now.
  • This girl I used to improvise with and haven’t talked to since 2009 when she stopped dating my friend.
  • A director who let me play Cecily in The Importance of Being Earnest, but who I haven’t talked to since and I can’t even remember the name of the theater.
  • This actress who’s got way too many TV credits for me to justify calling. Also, I’m pretty sure she has no idea who I am.
  • This guy I used to work for in 2008 who invited me to a fancy party in Laguna Beach that was maybe the 2nd most intimidating party I’ve ever been to. We didn’t actually speak at that party and we haven’t spoken since.
  • This girl who’s really good friends with the XH. Nothing against her, but not someone I wanna call on accident. Also she’s a kickass attorney, so I don’t wanna piss her off….though if you need a recommendation…
  • This older guy at a church I used to go to… He got married at like 80 years old, which I thought was awesome. Honestly have no idea if he’s still with us.
  • This guy who runs a bootcamp I used to take until I realized that I don’t do well at bootcamps.
  • Some guy whose name I don’t recognize and doesn’t turn up in my Facebook friends. The name does match that of a famous athlete. But I don’t know any famous athletes.
  • This woman who used to do my hair. Until she turned into a bitch and would make fun of my greys and secretly do things in the sink that she’d charge me for.
  • My friend’s kid who I used to tutor, but is now in college. I don’t need to have an 18-year-old dude’s name in my phone.
  • This older guy who used to hit on me, then issued the worst apology I’ve ever heard. This is how it went:

Him: Hey, I just wanted to apologize if I made you uncomfortable the other night.
Me: Thanks. I appreciate that.
Him: I mean, I know I’m too old for you, but you can’t blame me for trying, right?
Me: (uncomfortable) Hahaha, well….
Him: I mean, I get it and you’re totally right. We wouldn’t work as a couple.
Me: Right
Him: Not that I haven’t thought about how beautiful you are.
Me: What time is the last film starting?
Him: Not sure. I mean, you’re gorgeous. So it’s not like I’ve never imagined what it would be like, you know.
Me: I’m gonna go to the bathroom.
Him: I mean, if I had the chance, I would definitely show you a good time. A really good time…

  • This kid who interned at a place I worked like three years ago.
  • This place I worked like three years ago. The only job I’ve ever quit without another gig to go to.
  • This couple who was friends of the XH and who I never really clicked with anyway.
  • This girl I used to box with. I do have a few Philip K. Dick books of hers that I should return. But she lent them to me back in ’06 and I haven’t seen her since.
  • Someone who appears to be an actor with whom I have a handful of mutual friends, but I don’t recognize.
  • This guy who took me on a date to Denny’s then tried to get me to take him to my apartment.

Sorry Moon Over My Hammy. I'm just not that into you.
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  • This actor who wouldn’t look me in the eye when we worked together.
  • This actor who always smelled like cloves and leather and who was terribly toxic.
  • This gymnast I used to date.
  • This guy who I was in a play with and later he texted me a picture of his penis.
  • This mechanic I loved but who I haven’t been to in years.
  • This guy I knew from that job I quit.
  • Some other guy who has the same name of an athlete and I don’t recognize either.
  • Some girl from some play I was in.
  • This church I don’t go to anymore.
  • Some guy with one of the most generic names imaginable that it does no good to Google.
  • Some guy who sounds like he’s a character in a play about the clash of cultures in 1912 New York tenement housing. No idea who he is.
  • No idea who this girl is, though her name sounds like a character that might show up as one of the Sharks in West Side Story 2
  • Same for this girl
  • The XMIL. I did accidentally call her once and she got pissed.
  • No idea who this woman is.

Holy shit, how am I only on the G’s!!!

  • Some restaurant I like, but certainly never need to call.
  • The XH’s old work number.
  • This girl who invited me to hang with her on New Year’s Eve once and then was a total fucking bitch to me and literally pushed me out of the way any time a guy was talking to me and not to her.
  • The number marked “home” that isn’t anymore.
  • This couple I used to babysit for but haven’t talked to since 2007.
  • Another actor from that play I was in back in the day.
  • This guy who was friend with the XH. He introduced me to Nick Swardson and Nick Swardson kissed my hand that night. I probably owe him my first-born or something, but he can get in touch with me if he wants to cash in that debt.
  • Janelle?? Janet??
  • The guy who trained me at the worst job I’ve ever had.
  • This woman who helped convince me to quit that job back in the day. She was my manager for a while. Then she disappeared. I think she’s in Africa somewhere.
  • The pastor at this church I used to go to. He did my pre-marital counseling.

It's complicated
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  • This guy who after hiring me to write for him, tried to convince me to have an affair.
  • This girl from this stupid play I was in.
  • This woman I used to work for.
  • This guy I didn’t hire to DP one of my shorts.
  • This writer who pretended he was interested in helping me get published in a big time magazine that I would stab myself to get published in. He loved, praised and talked about my work until I turned down his 2 a.m. text to hang out. The next time I saw him, he told me my writing was crap and that I didn’t know what I was doing.
  • This kid I used to tutor.
  • The dude whose emails, texts and calls I haven’t responded to since an ill-fated trip we took together
  • The director of this theater I’ve never performed at.
  • This guy I had a huge crush on when I worked at that job I quit. He barely spoke to me then. Pretty sure he’s got no interest in speaking to me now. Also he likes rap, so that would have been a problem anyway.
  • This guy who took me on the most amazing day of date I’ve ever been on…then didn’t speak to me for like a year. Then he turned up at a reading I was in, looked dreamily into my eyes and told me I was beautiful… Then never spoke to me again. He’s married now.
  • My old boss at the worst job I’ve ever had.
  • Jose??
  • Juan?? Oh crap! Juan from work… Well, I just deleted your # bc I didn’t remember ever getting it from you. If you’re reading…if you could text me, that’d be dope.
  • My old manager’s cell phone #
  • My old boss from that job I quit.
  • This woman I used to work with who now apparently lives in China
  • Keshaun? I’m shocked that someone named Keshaun ended up in my phone in the first place.
  • This restaurant I used to order from when I lived in the Valley.
  • Someone else from that job I quit (nothing against these folks, btw, I just can’t imagine needing to call them)
  • The crazy rich lady I used to work for who told me that “Final Draft writes the script for you!”
  • Some actress
  • My old nutritionist
  • This guy I met outside of a club (when do I ever go to clubs??) who said “Let’s trade numbers. You can never have too many numbers!”
  • Some comedian’s reps
  • An old therapist
  • This guy I dated who after a week and a half of knowing each other, every time we made out, would say “should I get a condom?” Then once he said it before we were even back in his apartment,  he said the same thing. So the next day I said, “hey, just wanted to touch base about the sex thing. I don’t really want to go there unless I’m in a thing that’s a THING, you know. If that doesn’t work for you, that’s totally cool, no hard feelings, just let me know.” He said that was cool. Then immediately started flaking on all our plans. I called it off the next week. Not 24 hours after I did, he texted me and said: “Hey, is it cool if we do a booty call every once in a while?”
  • This other woman who used to do my hair…and show up 2+ hours late to every appointment.
  • A number marked “No.”
  • A number marked “nope”
  • This football player turned sound editor who was friends with the XH.
  • A stalker
  • The program coordinator for a Christian College in Texas
  • Another therapist.
  • A former student – again…don’t need teenagers’ #s in my cellie
  • Another DP I didn’t hire to shoot my short
  • The first woman who did my hair when I moved to LA.
  • Some writer I went on two dates with and who has a big movie coming out next year

I can’t believe this is about to have taken two hours.

  • This woman I used to work with. We gave it a good ol’ college try at being friends, but there were no sparks.
  • My friend’s ex-boyfriend. We were all friends. They broke up. Had to pick a side.
  • A third guy I didn’t hire to DP my short.
  • Some vet I used to go to
  • Some guy I met at a networking event and know nothing about

Folks In My Phone I Likely Should be Deleting But Just Can’t Yet

  • The XFIL, XBIL and XSIL. Just in case something ever happens to the XH and one of them calls to let me know. I want to recognize the number.
  • This agent I used to know. He was the first big-time Hollywood type to give me his phone number. Then he proceeded to break my heart.
  • This kid I was totally into in college. He called me out of the blue in like 2004 and it was just like old times. He told me then that he hated that he didn’t kiss me that one time when we were back in school. I told him I agreed. That was the last we spoke.
  • This guy I dated with whom I had pretty uninteresting sex. He’s hot though.
  • The guy who just dumped me… What? It’s not like his number wasn’t in my phone. I was gonna have to come across it, so yeah, it was gonna come up. But this isn’t about that.
  • This actress who’s currently on a TV show who unfriended me on facebook even though SHE was the one who asked me for my # and found me on fb in the first place.
  • This director I didn’t like working with, but he’s famous now.
  • The British guy I went on one date with. At the end of it he said “I’ll call you… I know it sounds like I’m not going to, but I mean it. I will.” Then we never spoke again. He does know people in London, though, so I might hit him up for a referral for my trip.*

At least, I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over the charming accent...except when he said "uRInal" instead of "URinal." I'll give you "lift" and "loll" and even "c*nt," but "uRInal" is just gross.
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  • An executive who I’d love to work for again, but who stopped working with me after confessing that he thought about going on a date with me.
  • The girl I’m pretty sure the XH was in love with. And if he was, I truly hope they work it out.

Folks In My Phone I’m Gonna Stop Being a Pussy About and Just Call Already Send a Non-Invasive Facebook Message To

  • This awesome woman I made friends with right before she and her perfect husband took their perfect relationship and their perfect baby to a perfect new job in a different state weeks before me and the X-H split up. Never had the guts to talk to her since my split since she clearly had everything worked out so well and I had only managed to work out making a pretty colossal mistake.
  • The folks who run a preservation society dedicated to protecting what I think is one of the coolest pieces of Los Angeles architecture, The Dunbar Hotel. I want to write a film about this place. Not sure why I won’t start on it.
  • This guy I went on two dates with and he was truly a nice guy, but I just wasn’t feeling it. But if anyone’s looking for a recommendation…
  • The guy I was in love with all of high school. He had a rough few years. Not sure how he’s doing now.

Whose numbers are you hanging on to? Whycome? Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

*Shameless Oreo Plug. 1) SmartyPig is a totally cool $-savings tool! I highly recommend it. b) So I have the opportunity to meet with an actor who I love love love in the UK this summer. Trying to make it a successful working holiday and take some other Brit talent out for a pint with the hope of writing for them one day. Should anyone feel inclined to help an Oreo purchase one of those pints, it would be totes appreciated. You can learn more about my trip, and SmartyPig at this link.

How to Write About Current Events

Remember these?
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So it’s been almost two weeks since my last post. This is due in part to the fact that a pile of freelance (yay!) has fallen into my lap and is happily nibbling away at my writing time.

It’s also due in part to the fact that this has been the conversation between myself and my inner writer self over the last coupla weeks:

TheOreoExperience: Wow! This Kony video is nuts! It’s got White People to the Rescue written all over it! It would totally make a good Trailer Trashing post.

InnerWriterSelf: You’re right. Way to be on top of things. I can’t wait to see what we come up with!

TOE: Just let me finish this work. I’m sure I’ll get that post out by the end of the week

IWS: You’re amazing. I’m so glad we’re working together.

A FEW DAYS LATER

TOE: Holy crap, that dude just had a nervous breakdown!

IWS: Wellllll…. true. But you make fun of people all the time. And the Kony 2012 video is still weird.

TOE: Yeah, but dude is messed up. Even if I did have a post up, I’d probably want to take it down. Poor thing.

IWS: Actually…yeah…

TOE: I mean, child soldiers are pretty much 100% a bad thing…even if the guy bringing them to our attention is oddly narcissistic…he meant well.

IWS: Don’t worry, we’ll find something else to write about!

TOE: Is it weird that I talk to myself this way?

IWS: Of course not!

TOE: Woah! I can’t believe that woman said that to me after class. Ugh! I just want to come in here, Zumba a bit and leave without someone saying something like “So jealous of you sisters! You’ve got such great hips!”

IWS: Doesn’t she know how long it took us to be okay with those hips?!?

Whether they're on the mantle or your body, you come to appreciate hourglasses much more after high school.
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TOE: Ugh. She has no idea. I’m exhausted tonight, though, and have like 3 scripts to get through. I’ll bang that post out in a few days.

IWS: Haha. You said “bang.”

TOE: Haha! Oh, get this…I totally made my coworker blush. He asked me if I had any food at my desk…

IWS: And you said “no, but I do have something you can eat!”

TOE: You know me so well!

A FEW DAYS LATER

IWS: Did you see this Trayvon Martin story?!?!

TOE: I can’t even think about it!!

IWS: C’mon, you HAVE to write about this. I mean, this is like your whole thing.

TOE: I can’t even read a story about it without bursting into tears. And I’m pretty sure there’s nothing funny about it.

IWS: The Daily Show managed to make it funny.

And sexy!
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TOE: The Daily Show also has a staff of like two-dozen writers who out-earn me by a factor of probably 20!

IWS: Are we fighting right now?

TOE: No, it’s fine. Everything’s fine.

IWS: I don’t believe you. You seem upset.

TOE: I just feel like sometimes you aren’t hearing what I’m saying. I DO want to write about this story, but it’s fucking sad as balls.

IWS: Haha, you said–

TOE: Not the time.

IWS: You’re right.

TOE: Let’s just move on. What are you doing this weekend?

IWS: I dunno. Wanna check out Hunger games?

Kinda worried that there are going to be way too many Mockingjay tattoos showing up in the next few years.
(source)

TOE: You know what, I still have a ton of work to get  through, maybe next week?

IWS: I liked the book!

TOE: Me, too! Kinda bummed that even with so much going on in the book and such a great story, they still felt the need to inject some semblance of a love story into the end.

IWS: Yeah, I hear that. So…we’re cool?

TOE: Yeah, totally. Talk tomorrow.

IWS: Wake up! Wake up! Did you see this?? Racist Hunger Games tweets, we HAVE to get on that!

TOE: Holy god, it’s so early! Don’t you sleep.

IWS: I’m a disembodied manifestation of your sense of self, of course I don’t sleep.

TOE: Fair enough. Oh geez! These tweets are nuts! And what the eff? Rue is totally described as being black in the book. Did they just miss that?

IWS: Dude! Why are you not writing like crazy right now?

TOE: I don’t even know what to say!

IWS: C’mooooooon! Do it!!

TOE: Wait, let me get this straight… You want me to make an hilarious observation about how teens can’t read and how they don’t seem to know how the Internet works and that we’ve lost the basic sense of etiquette that we’re taught when we’re kids to not say horrible mean things out loud…and maybe draw an equally knee-slapping parallel between the fact that people didn’t like Rue because she was black and the fact that a good chunk of the country is totally unsympathetic to the needless death of an unarmed kid? That’s what you want me to pull out of my ass right now?? I’m a writer, not a magician!

IWS: It was just a suggestion.

TOE: Oooh, there might be something in this Geraldo non-pology, though. Yeah, between that and the Belvedere ad and Lee Arohnson… I think I might have something.

IWS: I knew you could do it.

TOE: Also, I’m kinda getting tired of the “let me tell annoying politicians about my vagina” meme. Does that make me a bad feminist?

IWS: That’s a whole other part of your subconscious you’ve got to deal with for that one.

TOE’sInnerFeminist: Did someone call?

TOE: Coffee first, then self-analysis.

TOEIF: That’s fair. Btw… I have a story that would make a GREAT screenplay! Can I tell you about it??

IWS: Yikes!… Um… coffee first.

******

Talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy, right? Right?? I blame the habit on the fact that I was an only child.

Fingers crossed, I’ll get to this Geraldo/Belvedere/2.5 Men thing this week

What internal struggles do you find yourself chatting with you about on the regular? Let us know in the comments.

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

5 Reasons Men Like Rush Don’t Get this Access to Birth Control Bullsh*t

In the last few weeks, women who would like to have relatively easy access to birth control have been called sluts. Women who’d rather not be raped by their doctors if they need to end a pregnancy have been told that since they had sex once, they really should be okay with just any old thing taking a trip inside their vagina. Women who would like options for preventing pregnancy have told that they only birth control they need is an aspirin between their legs.

And I get it. I mean when women are all blahblahfeelings, blahblahpleasedon’tmakeadifficultproceduremoredifficult, blahblahwhyaren’twelookingoutforthehealthofthenation… It’s annoying, am I right, fellas?

This guy knows what I’m talkin’ about.

And as TV and film have drummed into our heads, listening to a woman talk is like teh worstest thing evah!!

I mean, you’d think that legislators would use a couple of things called “reason” and “logic” to help get good laws through and bad ones out. But, c’mon, they have a lot of things going on, we really can’t expect them to give 210% like that.

But we can’t just chalk up their inability to grasp some basic tenants of health care because they’re busy. So here are 5 reasons that these guys have a hard time understanding what’s so blahblah”important”blah.

1. Men do not have sex with women. I mean, they must not, or the lawmakers who know that it’s in a woman’s best interest to not have relatively easy access to prescription birth control must not anyway. If those men did ever have sex with women, they might say things like “Hey, I want to have options for birth control, too. And I want to make extra sure my partner and I don’t get pregnant since I’m not interested in having a child right now. I hope that women continue to have access to birth control so that I can have a safe and healthy sexual experience with this hot piece of ass who’s on my lap right now.” Since men, or at least the men supporting these legislations, are not saying crazy bananas sentences like, they must not be involved with ladies in the Biblical sense.

The only thing dudes are sleeping with these days are snazzy body pillows!

2. Men do not have daughters or wives. I mean, they must not, or the lawmakers who know that it’s in a woman’s best interest to not have relatively easy access to prescription birth control must not anyway. If they did have daughters or wives, they might find themselves sayings things like, “While I’d rather my young daughter not have sex right now, I understand that she might. Lots of teenagers do and even though I really hope she waits, I want her to be safe if she does. I’d also like for her to be in the habit of protecting her uterus so that once she leaves my house, she can make safe, informed decisions about how not to get pregnant if she doesn’t want to get pregnant.”

If they had daughters or wives, they also might say things like “Holy crap, my daughter and/or wife is in the hospital because of her poly cystic ovarian syndrome. I’m glad that these doctors are helping us get birth control for them so that they don’t have to be in this kind of pain every month, for it makes me sad to see women I care about in pain, especially when that pain is avoidable with something as simple as relatively easy access to prescription birth control.”

Huh, I always thought weddings were more popular. Guess not.

3. Men are not pro-life. I mean, they must not be, or the lawmakers who know that it’s in a woman’s best interest to not have relatively easy access to prescription birth control must not anyway….This one’s weird because the people who don’t want women to get birth control are also typically people who do not want women to have abortions. But if they really didn’t want women to have abortions, they might say something like “Wow, thank goodness for relatively easy access to birth control. Now, couples can have sex if they want to and significantly reduce the likelihood that they’re going to end up pregnant if they don’t want to be pregnant. And since people have abortions when they don’t want to be pregnant, and since I am pro-life, I am happy that couples can get the protection that they need so that fewer people have to have abortions.”

Loves sweater vests....in part they keep you all warm when you're not getting proper medical care.

4. Men do not want women to be able to go to work. I mean, they must not, or the lawmakers who know that it’s in a woman’s best interest to not have relatively easy access to prescription birth control must not anyway. If they did want women to be able to go to work, they might say something like “Jesus! Your wife was in the hospital because of complications related to her medical condition that could be abated by having access to prescription birth control?? I’m going to make sure that my employees have access to birth control so that I don’t lose chunks of my workforce unnecessarily.”

A sick day's kinda like a spa day, anyway, right? You get to rest and you're surrounded by fluids.

5. Men do not understand how uteri work, and they do not care to be burdened with this information. I mean, they must not, or the lawmakers who know that it’s in a woman’s best interest to not have relatively easy access to prescription birth control must not anyway. If they did understand how uteri and ovaries work, they might say something like “Holy fuck, did Rush fucking Limbaugh just intimate that birth control gets more expensive if you have more sex?!?! That’s fucking bullshit and anyone who believes that should never ever ever reproduce. Thank god for access to birth control!!!!!”

Remember kids: Using insurance to pay for birth control = shameful. Using insurance to pay for your prescription drug addiction...just makes good sense. Oxy isn't cheap, yo!

So, blahblah, thank you for reading. You totally deserve a Klondike!

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What are your thoughts on birth control, the access to it, who should be allowed to provide and/or just doing away with sex so we don’t have to bother our pretty little heads with this ish anymore? Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

A Smattering of Things I Probably Shouldn’t Have Been Thinking During Ash Wednesday Mass Today

As I’ve mentioned before, I really do appreciate the ritual involved in going to mass. Even though it’s only 45 minutes or so, reciting the lines from the Book of Common Prayer and hitting the descant in a pretty hymn makes me feel that for a few minutes, I can do something correctly. This feeling is in direct contrast to every other moment of my life when I feel as emotionally sure-footed as a buttered up newborn giraffe trying to navigate its way across a freshly waxed ice skating rink.

ohmygaaaahhhh! I forgot how much I love giraffes!! I want to eat her face!

But as much as I like the stillness that happens under some rocking gothic arches, I can’t shut off my daydreamy brain entirely. And sometimes, somewhere between the Nicene Creed and the exeunt, it wanders. Here are some of the wanderings it took today and what it forced me to think, very nearly aloud:

  • Holy Sh*t there’s parking!!
  • Ohmygoodness, these pews are so adorable! They only seat 3. It’s oddly romantic
  • Oh yeah, I could totally get married in here.
  • Yay! I’m not the only one who was late!
  • Why the f*ck am I thinking about getting married?
  • Is is bad that I thought “f*ck” during Eucharist? I put an asterisk in it.
  • That woman totally just breathed on me.
  • This man has the nicest hands in the world.
  • Wait! Is that ANOTHER black person in here? Serves me right, I didn’t check the memo.
  • Coffee. Please. Coffee.
  • I would have made an awesome altar girl!
  • You know, $1200 to rent a sloth for a day really isn’t that bad.
  • Awww, I like having my face touched. Should I have not worn bangs today?
  • Hmmm, wine at 8:45 a.m. is not so bad…
  • Holy sh*t! I can still get to work before 9!!

Tucked in and among the manic-ness were all the reasons that I was in that adorable pew. I don’t pretend to have even one answer for anything of import. But I know that when I’m there, I feel like I’m a smidge, or in Ash Wednesday’s case, a smudge closer to maybe, maaaaybe figuring something out…even if that something is just how to get through an hour or two with a smattering of silly thoughts instead of a deluge.

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It’s no surprise that an Oreo finds herself in an Anglican congregation. So click here for the rest of that story.

In the event that anyone I go out with in the next 40 days reads this, I’ll refrain from describing my Lenten discipline this year. But click here for some other Oreo-tastic options!

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What are you giving up (or not) this year? Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

Diary of a Mad White Black Woman – Comedy Central Betrayal

Dear Diary,

I have been watching TV and movies for a long, long time. And thanks to the mass distribution of shows like these, these, these, these, these, and these, I have been able to recognize the trouble with being an RBP and have spent a lifetime working against my skin’s desire to force me to like rap, be a magical sage with no interests of my own, die first in conflict (good job newest member of the family: season premier of Alcatraz!) and support Tyler Perry (by the by, the TPSD support group meeting for this week has been moved to room 304). I have spent a good chunk of change wiping the ethnicity out of my hair so as few people as possible insist on singing at me whenever Baby’s Got Back comes on (it happens) and I have eschewed spending time with many an eligible non-white bachelor lest someone ever feel they can refer to me as “gurl.”

And the Comedy Central goes and does this.

This week, the network announced that they picked up another season of the sketch comedy show Key and Peele. The show features two black men doing comedy…and not in obese drag!

No, I don't have an Oreo crush on either of these men. Why on earth would you make an assumption like heyguysi'llbeattheequestioncenterthisweekend ifyou'retheretoonobigdeal

DoubleYew. Tee. Eff.

Just look at these sketches! They’re hilarious and don’t rely on trite racial stereotypes to get their points across.

Comedy Central seems to be ignoring decades of programming done by people who clearly  know what they’re doing. If folks of color could actually display a diverse range of talents, make clever social commentary and have a good time while not speaking Ebonics, don’t you think someone would have figured that out by now?

And…fine, let’s just say that the above statement is correct. That you can be an RBP and also be layered, middle class and appreciate Gordon Ramsey…what am I supposed to do now? Enjoy being of color? Stop feeling ashamed every time I stumble past BET? Believe that comments made by presidential hopefuls about how black people just don’t know how to work hard or maintain a family are, what? Misguided/Incorrect/Totally fucking crazy? Sounds like someone’s really asking for a lot!

This country runs on self-loathing and marginalization. That’s why we have advertising and a political system. Just imagine the chaos if more people of color saw themselves “fairly” represented in film and TV. There are entire political structures built around the assumptions that Comedy Central is busy disproving with every high-quality, well-produced, finely performed sketch on that show.

Well, I hope that the network is ready for the inevitable fallout. I’ve got my eye on them. And just so I can totally enjoy a show that accurately portrays what people of color can bring to the table photograph the lightning when it strikes…I’ll be watching.

4 Reasons I Will Always Love

I try not to take it too hard when celebrities pass away. I feel a bit guilty mourning for someone I don’t know. It feels strange to me to bond with people over a tragedy that didn’t actually occur personally to any of us.

I also didn’t go to my grandmother’s funeral, so maybe I just feel guilty about not having mourned properly for something that did actually happen to me. (In my defense, I was still a teenager when she passed away, I wasn’t anywhere near home and from what I heard about the event, my absence probably protected me from many things on many levels.)

But I woke up this morning and realized a couple of things. One, that though most of us don’t know most celebs, the whole point of celebrity is that they in part belong to all of us. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be famous, so maybe it’s okay if I get down about it. Two, that I’m very sad that Whitney Houston is gone.

It’s always tricky for an Oreo, even in difficult times, to show allegiance to certain celebs. That’s why for all of middle school, I had to lie and say that no, I didn’t think Taye Diggs was fuckingsexyasfuck. It was made somewhat easier to deny that charge, because I hadn’t learned the word “fuck” yet.

But Whitney, I realized today, touched my spirit and life in very important ways.

1. She made out with Kevin Costner. I have exclusively been in interracial relationships–this is not news. But there was a long time when I honestly felt like a complete freak for being attracted to the red-headed kid. Shows like Boys Meets World where Black Irish looking Shawn fell in love with Angela (who I’ve been told I look like…which is a lie) helped me feel better. So did The Bodyguard. It looks silly to type it out, but it meant a lot to me at the time. And still does.

(source)

2. She was in a movie where black people were regular. I remember when my mom bought home a VHS (I’m old) of Waiting to Exhale. I was furious and refused to watch. I knew that per society, the kids at my church who told me I wasn’t allowed to like opera or French and the casts of most prime time TV shows, that I was supposed to like the movie because it was black and so was I.

I finally watched the film…and it was pretty good! It’s no Dead Poet’s Society or Chinatown. But for a “chick flick,” it was layered, well-done and still holds up. Whitney was delightful in it and one of my favorite things that she did was not overpower the group when they sing Happy Birthday to another character. It’s a super short, quick moment and in no way integral to the plot, but as a kid I always thought about how intimidating it must have been for all those other actresses to sing with her and how sweet Whitney was to keep her voice close in that scene and give focus where it was due. If she had busted out with a powerful rendition of the song, no one would have faulted her. I still think it’s neat that she didn’t.

(source)

I also think it’s neat that once upon a time, a movie with an exclusively black cast could be regular and Madea didn’t have to have a cameo. I hope to bring such a thing to the screen again soon.

3. She gave me something beautiful to creepily sing at Mike R. at prom. Run to You is gorgeous. So was Mike R. I didn’t always make the best decisions.

4. She reminds me of how but for the grace we’re not all parodied. It was no secret that Whitney had a problem with drugs and a troubled marriage. Comedians, writers, TV and tabloids had their fun with that and many people had a good laugh. It probably seemed relatively harmless at the time.

But as someone who has struggled with eating disorders, anxiety attacks and more than one bout of dangerously dark thoughts; as someone who can be labelled the “survivor” of a couple of unsavory things, I can empathize. I don’t know why I was lucky enough to never stumble upon most controlled substances or why I had the good fortune to not take to the ones I did try. I do know, however, that just because someone else didn’t have that luck doesn’t mean they’re bad, doesn’t mean they’re shameful, doesn’t mean they deserve any of it. Just means they do deserve to be loved the way they let us know they would always love us.

zzzzZZZZZzzzzz

So, per the fact that within 15 minutes of coming home from work Friday, I passed out on top of my bed, fully dressed in work clothes and stayed there, motionless, for the next 15 hours…it would seem that I’m “tired.” I’ve heard of this “tired” before and have mostly managed to avoid too much contact. Not sure what exactly brought on this bout of “tired,” so I looked at my typical evening routine to see if I could cut something out.

But everything I do after work seems really really necessary. I mean, take a look at a typical evening for The Oreo Experience. Really not sure what I could possibly do without.

  • Leave Work
  • Gym: Zumba, Boxing or Step (yes, I am a fiery retiree, why?) depending on what’s avail
  • Feed cats
  • “Cook” dinner
  • While dinner gets a little too cold for yumminess, anxiously decide if I should read the industry-related book Monster, nurture my growing love for Philip K. Dick and read Dr. Bloodmoney or watch The Biggest Loser (will save episode of Intervention for post-dinner wine)
  • Eat cold dinner too quickly
  • Fret over whether or not dinner was big enough to eclipse the workout I just had
  • With self-esteem all nice and low, look at facebook pictures of 1 or 2 ex-boyfriends
  • Do yoga DVD to relax and revive self-worth
  • Look up (again) the name of the studio who makes those yoga DVDs and make a mental note to send an email of support.
  • Remember that I also need to write two thank you notes
  • Decide not to write the thank you notes. Instead, put “write thank you notes” on tomorrow’s to do list
  • Review 1st quarter goals and check against 2012 general goals
  • Go to productivity website to check on that one article
  • Look up other productivity websites to see if they’d be more helpful
  • Look at clock, decide to get in bed in the next 10-15 minutes
  • Clean cat box
  • Wash dishes from dinner
  • Rub sore muscles from work out.
  • Take hot shower
  • Decide to start taking better care of nails.
  • Realize that obvious acts of self love still make me feel tender
  • Watch this Tim Minchin video
  • Stop crying.
  • Look at 1 or 2 more ex boyfriends on facebook
  • Wonder if having 4 facebookable boyfriends makes me a harlot and why I never look up the ex-h
  • Stop crying.
  • Watch this Tim Minchin video
  • Watch Act I or II of PBS’s version of Company.
  • Look up Raul Esparza’s wikipedia page
  • Wonder if I could date a guy who was openly bi sexual and if I couldn’t, if that makes me a bad person
  • Watch this video of sloths
  • Look at tomorrow’s work calendar
  • Set alarm clock for 5:30 a.m.
  • Re-write morning to do list
  • Watch this video of aerial hoop fantasticness
  • Stretch
  • Look up circus arts classes again. Decide not to register tonight, put “register for circus arts classes” on tomorrow’s to do list
  • Lie down
  • Break up cat fighting
  • Read one chapter of The Artist’s Way
  • Make list of things that make me happy
  • Price Troxel helmets and riding habits
  • Watch some puissance videos
  • Stretch
  • Look at ING accounts and re-jigger budgets
  • Wikipedia “jigger” to see if it’s one of those sneaky mean works like “gyp”
  • Put on cuticle oil
  • Lay down on bed with fingers splayed so cuticle oil can dry and watch Modern Family episode
  • Find and graph Modern Family scripts online
  • Google myself to see if finaling in script contest still comes up
  • Check youtube comments
  • Stop crying
  • Set alarm clock for 6:15 a.m.
  • Fill 45-oz bottle with water
  • Rummage around for mouth-guard
  • Drink 3/4 of the water
  • Watch Intervention
  • Bathroom
  • Lay down and put The Core on very quietly
  • Bathroom
  • Switch from The Core to affirmation records
  • Wonder if that conversation meant what I thought it mean
  • Take Melatonin
  • Stretch
  • Bathroom
  • Set alarm clock to 6:45 a.m.
  • Plan and write out rebuttal for that conversation
  • Dig up old emails to dudes to see if communication skills have improved
  • Bathroom
  • Relax with in the bed yoga
  • Think about how awesome it would be to go kayaking on Saturday morning
  • Watch kayaking videos
  • Watch hand-balancing videos
  • Hope that someone asks me to go see Cirque du Soleil or Billy Elliot
  • Chastise self for silly girlie thoughts
  • Remember “Dating Myself” essays
  • Add “pitch ‘Dating Myself” essays” to tomorrow’s to do list
  • Stop cat Bobbie from eating plastic
  • Wake up cat Marilyn because her wake up meow is hilarious
  • Snuggle both kitties
  • Wonder if snuggling kitties or taking Step Class makes me seem more like an old
  • Become embraced by the sound of stereo purring
  • Remember what I really wish I would have said during that convo
  • Wonder if this list would make a worth blog post
  • Find tomorrow’s to do list and add zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzXZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
  • Wake up at 7:15. Rinse. Repeat.

Seems very reasonable to me.

What’s your evening routine like? Too much? Too little? Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!

4 Reasons Newt’s Child Janitor Plan Effing Rawks!!

So misunderstood.

In Monday’s Republican debate, Newt Gingrich was made to defend statements he made about how black people don’t know that they’re supposed to want to work and that to combat this, we should put kids to work as janitors in their schools.

Over the last few weeks, Gingrich has been credited with these gems:

“I’m prepared, if the NAACP invites me, I’ll go to their convention and talk about why the African American community should demand paychecks and not be satisfied with food stamps.”

“New York City pays their janitors an absurd amount of money because of the union. You could take one janitor and hire 30-some kids to work in the school for the price of one janitor, and those 30 kids would be a lot less likely to drop out. They would actually have money in their pocket. They’d learn to show up for work. They could do light janitorial duty. They could work in the cafeteria. They could work in the front office. They could work in the library.”

A bunch of people have been upset by the comments calling them everything from “ignorant” to “racist” to “holy shit it’s 20-fucking-12, is it really still okay to say these things in public and get a standing ovation for them?!?!?”

Those people are clearly pussies.

Child labor is totally great and could help not only our schools, but our society as a whole!  Check it, yo!

1. Firing working janitors and replacing them with children ensures that we as a nation still have someone to kick around and belittle for not having a job. GOP is fueled in part by the knowledge that poor people are spending all their time selfishly and needlessly gaming a system. The right spends a lot of time talking about how people just need to get jobs and not be unemployed. But with the country on the mend, more people are getting jobs. And thus the party needs more gas. By firing people who have jobs, Newt will ensure that the right will still be right–people just need to get jobs!!

2. Taking kids out of the classroom is actually saving them from boring-ass lectures about dull bullshit like English, history or economics. Newt’s imagined working class of kids will be sooooooo lucky!!!! It’s so hard to stay asleep in class when some teacher is going on and on and on about what happened in our country when or how the political system works or how to read. By stopping kids from going to class, Newt will be saving them from hours and hours of drudgery! Bonus points because since those kids missed all those uninteresting classes in high school, they won’t be able to have to endure more of that crap in college!! Suh-weeeet!

3. It is time to breed a new brand of bully, after all. Kids getting picked on for being too tall or being too short or being too fat or being too thin or being too gay or being too  much of a girl or being too smart or being too dumb or being in class on time or getting to class late or having a cool car or not having a cool car or having adoring parents or not having great parents really leaves bullies with too few options. Now, in addition to all of the above, kids can get picked on for smelling like shit all day. And, since high schoolers are always so super awesome to each other, there’s really very little chance of mean kids leaving extra hearty presents in the loo for their classmates to have to deal with.

4. It takes like two minutes to teach cleaning, it takes like forever to teach empathy. Who has that kind of time?!?!? There are all kinds of complex reasons why kids aren’t keen on working their buns off and doing outstandingly in school.  There are governmental policies like California’s Prop 13 that keep massive amounts of funds from being collected for greedy ol’ public schools, there are family issues, undiagnosed learning disabilities, a dearth of computers, books and desks for kids who need them most, horrible state-sponsored lunches that provide no nutritional value, mental health issues that come from dealing with a life of chronic poverty, broken homes, not having heat. But UGH!! Like who wants to understand how those things work together?!?! That would take like a lifetime of understanding, consideration and the daily practice of good, traditional, Christian values. Why should any of us have to become emotionally uncomfortable to learn that kind of skill when we could just teach kids how to put on rubber gloves and line trash cans?

Woah! Do you see how freaking difficult that looks! Also, why isn't that lazy ass kid doing some hard labor instead of getting a g-d handout??

Thanks for looking out for us, Newt! You are truly the people’s champion.

Want more of this deliciousness? Here are Bachmann’s 8 Other Reasons Slavery Was So Super Kickass!

And here’s a study that explains how prison is a better place for black dudes to be anyway!

What’s your favorite way to put more regulation on the poor, the browns, the gays or the womens while telling the country that you’re the party of less regulation? Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo! Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)
Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!