election

How to Free Speech

How to handle speaking out on line is one of the biggest issues of this era.

Because let’s be honest. Sometimes a joke or a meme or a picture is super funny.

But sometimes, it’s super racist or sexist, too.

BuuuuuuUUUuuut, that doesn’t mean it’s not funny and it definitely doesn’t mean you shouldn’t just go ahead and post whatever you want wherever you want.

I mean, it’s basically nothing but a complete abortion of your Constitutionally protected right to free speech not to post that shit. Sure, there are a lot of difficult topics of national importance to talk about right now, and the best way to do that is with a funny-as-heck-jokey-joke. And bonus, a joke is much quicker than a whole conversation and allows you to get back to watching Dr. Thorne on Amazon. (That’s what I’m doing with my time, anyway, I can only assume we’re all following the latest from Julian Fellowes).

Now when it comes to people setting great examples for posting offensive shit and just not giving a flip about it, there are a lot of examples to choose from, but let’s focus on a couplefew that made news this week. Just like these folks (one of which is a physician, two of which are elected state senators), you shouldn’t be afraid to share your controversial opinion. You worked hard on those barbs, now’s the time to just let them out.

heatherwick

sandlin

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Now, some people might call these joke “tasteless,” or “offensive” or “completely fucking tone deaf and awful” or “definitely not part of the job duties of being a g*ddamned senator.” But these guys were probably super proud of what they came up with and so posting it was just self-care. Something I think we can all agree that we need these days.

But even thought these proud Americans were just being good and expressive citizens, the Internet’s response was quick and harsh. Heather’s work was contacted and the senator’s facebook pages filled up with vitriol and news media were contacted. Yikes!

So what do you do if you find yourself in this kind of situation? Harassed online because your funny joke just happened to also be quite racist/sexist/horrible?

It’s simple: Just follow these steps to keep your klout score up and your employers from being flooded with calls and emails asking for your head and resignation.

  • Claim you were hacked. If it’s good enough for the US election, it’s good enough for you. Do what Dr. Wick did and say that you lost control of your account for a while and unkind forces put words (funny ones) into your tweet mouth. People won’t believe you because you will be lying, but at least you’re making an effort.
  • Apologize, the right way. Say something Kellyanne Conwayish like “Well, I’m sorry if anyone got their feelings hurt.” This kind of statement lets you get credit for saying the word “sorry” without the pesky burden of taking responsibility for your actions or releasing any amount of your narcissism. Don’t apologize the way the SNL writer Katie Rich did–with sincerity and humility. All that will do is make you a “good person” and get you another, equally cool, job. But you won’t look nearly as awesome.
  • Lash out/double down. Lean in to what you said in the first place. If folks aren’t on board with it, that’s their problem.
This is one of the senators speaking.

This is one of the senators speaking.

  • Make like one black or female friendNot to give you a pass and absolve you of guilt. But to maybe stop you from doing this stupid thing in the first place.

Heather, Senators, I am available for consultations and coaching. Don’t hesitate to reach out.

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What was the last worst thing you said online? How did you recover? Let us know in the comments!

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4 Reasons Newt’s Child Janitor Plan Effing Rawks!!

So misunderstood.

In Monday’s Republican debate, Newt Gingrich was made to defend statements he made about how black people don’t know that they’re supposed to want to work and that to combat this, we should put kids to work as janitors in their schools.

Over the last few weeks, Gingrich has been credited with these gems:

“I’m prepared, if the NAACP invites me, I’ll go to their convention and talk about why the African American community should demand paychecks and not be satisfied with food stamps.”

“New York City pays their janitors an absurd amount of money because of the union. You could take one janitor and hire 30-some kids to work in the school for the price of one janitor, and those 30 kids would be a lot less likely to drop out. They would actually have money in their pocket. They’d learn to show up for work. They could do light janitorial duty. They could work in the cafeteria. They could work in the front office. They could work in the library.”

A bunch of people have been upset by the comments calling them everything from “ignorant” to “racist” to “holy shit it’s 20-fucking-12, is it really still okay to say these things in public and get a standing ovation for them?!?!?”

Those people are clearly pussies.

Child labor is totally great and could help not only our schools, but our society as a whole!  Check it, yo!

1. Firing working janitors and replacing them with children ensures that we as a nation still have someone to kick around and belittle for not having a job. GOP is fueled in part by the knowledge that poor people are spending all their time selfishly and needlessly gaming a system. The right spends a lot of time talking about how people just need to get jobs and not be unemployed. But with the country on the mend, more people are getting jobs. And thus the party needs more gas. By firing people who have jobs, Newt will ensure that the right will still be right–people just need to get jobs!!

2. Taking kids out of the classroom is actually saving them from boring-ass lectures about dull bullshit like English, history or economics. Newt’s imagined working class of kids will be sooooooo lucky!!!! It’s so hard to stay asleep in class when some teacher is going on and on and on about what happened in our country when or how the political system works or how to read. By stopping kids from going to class, Newt will be saving them from hours and hours of drudgery! Bonus points because since those kids missed all those uninteresting classes in high school, they won’t be able to have to endure more of that crap in college!! Suh-weeeet!

3. It is time to breed a new brand of bully, after all. Kids getting picked on for being too tall or being too short or being too fat or being too thin or being too gay or being too  much of a girl or being too smart or being too dumb or being in class on time or getting to class late or having a cool car or not having a cool car or having adoring parents or not having great parents really leaves bullies with too few options. Now, in addition to all of the above, kids can get picked on for smelling like shit all day. And, since high schoolers are always so super awesome to each other, there’s really very little chance of mean kids leaving extra hearty presents in the loo for their classmates to have to deal with.

4. It takes like two minutes to teach cleaning, it takes like forever to teach empathy. Who has that kind of time?!?!? There are all kinds of complex reasons why kids aren’t keen on working their buns off and doing outstandingly in school.  There are governmental policies like California’s Prop 13 that keep massive amounts of funds from being collected for greedy ol’ public schools, there are family issues, undiagnosed learning disabilities, a dearth of computers, books and desks for kids who need them most, horrible state-sponsored lunches that provide no nutritional value, mental health issues that come from dealing with a life of chronic poverty, broken homes, not having heat. But UGH!! Like who wants to understand how those things work together?!?! That would take like a lifetime of understanding, consideration and the daily practice of good, traditional, Christian values. Why should any of us have to become emotionally uncomfortable to learn that kind of skill when we could just teach kids how to put on rubber gloves and line trash cans?

Woah! Do you see how freaking difficult that looks! Also, why isn't that lazy ass kid doing some hard labor instead of getting a g-d handout??

Thanks for looking out for us, Newt! You are truly the people’s champion.

Want more of this deliciousness? Here are Bachmann’s 8 Other Reasons Slavery Was So Super Kickass!

And here’s a study that explains how prison is a better place for black dudes to be anyway!

What’s your favorite way to put more regulation on the poor, the browns, the gays or the womens while telling the country that you’re the party of less regulation? Let us know in the comments!

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Leave a comment here or at any of the above and let us know what you think!