Okay, I promise that the following post was motivated by the arrival of Spring, the effect of doing my taxes and by this post at GOOD.is about clearing out useless cellphone contacts and not at all by the fact that I got dumped this week.
Here’s how everything led to the post below.
Spring – As soon as it’s time to switch out the winter wardrobe for fun dresses and shirts that require an architectural model to figure how to make a bra work with them, I also feel like I should clean out things besides my closet. I toss months of useless paperwork because it’s just taking up space and even though it only pings my brain in tiny, tiny ways, it might be best to not have that distraction at all.
Taxes – Going through old receipts is like creating a horrible timeline of the stupid decisions I made in the past year. Here’s the few hundred I spent flying across the country to see someone I *just* met. Here’s the ridiculous number of drinks I consumed at that work event. Here’s the extra tank of gas I spent trying to find a Downtown LA address because I refuse to just buy a GPS. Seeing them all enumerated and put into my accountant’s spreadsheet makes me think I should also see about adiosing the people who I let drive me to such decisions.
The post at GOOD.is – The writer did exactly what I’ve been thinking of and purged cell phone contacts that were no longer serving their purpose.
Getting dumped – Why would we even bring this up? Sure, I’ll delete that contact, but whatever! I was gonna delete a bunch of others anyway. So…yeah. No big deal. At all. Just coincidental timing.
So here we go!
Folks In My Phone I’m Deleting
- This whisky bar I sometimes go to. I never call it ever. No idea why I put this number in.
- This graphic designer I never worked with.
- This actor I directed in a play and haven’t spoken to since 2008.
- This guy I used to work with and I’m not even sure if he still lives in LA. Either way, neither of us work at the place where we met and haven’t spoken since 2009.
- This guy I used to improvise with and haven’t talked to since 2010. I think he has kids now.
- This girl I used to improvise with and haven’t talked to since 2009 when she stopped dating my friend.
- A director who let me play Cecily in The Importance of Being Earnest, but who I haven’t talked to since and I can’t even remember the name of the theater.
- This actress who’s got way too many TV credits for me to justify calling. Also, I’m pretty sure she has no idea who I am.
- This guy I used to work for in 2008 who invited me to a fancy party in Laguna Beach that was maybe the 2nd most intimidating party I’ve ever been to. We didn’t actually speak at that party and we haven’t spoken since.
- This girl who’s really good friends with the XH. Nothing against her, but not someone I wanna call on accident. Also she’s a kickass attorney, so I don’t wanna piss her off….though if you need a recommendation…
- This older guy at a church I used to go to… He got married at like 80 years old, which I thought was awesome. Honestly have no idea if he’s still with us.
- This guy who runs a bootcamp I used to take until I realized that I don’t do well at bootcamps.
- Some guy whose name I don’t recognize and doesn’t turn up in my Facebook friends. The name does match that of a famous athlete. But I don’t know any famous athletes.
- This woman who used to do my hair. Until she turned into a bitch and would make fun of my greys and secretly do things in the sink that she’d charge me for.
- My friend’s kid who I used to tutor, but is now in college. I don’t need to have an 18-year-old dude’s name in my phone.
- This older guy who used to hit on me, then issued the worst apology I’ve ever heard. This is how it went:
Him: Hey, I just wanted to apologize if I made you uncomfortable the other night.
Me: Thanks. I appreciate that.
Him: I mean, I know I’m too old for you, but you can’t blame me for trying, right?
Me: (uncomfortable) Hahaha, well….
Him: I mean, I get it and you’re totally right. We wouldn’t work as a couple.
Him: Not that I haven’t thought about how beautiful you are.
Me: What time is the last film starting?
Him: Not sure. I mean, you’re gorgeous. So it’s not like I’ve never imagined what it would be like, you know.
Me: I’m gonna go to the bathroom.
Him: I mean, if I had the chance, I would definitely show you a good time. A really good time…
- This kid who interned at a place I worked like three years ago.
- This place I worked like three years ago. The only job I’ve ever quit without another gig to go to.
- This couple who was friends of the XH and who I never really clicked with anyway.
- This girl I used to box with. I do have a few Philip K. Dick books of hers that I should return. But she lent them to me back in ’06 and I haven’t seen her since.
- Someone who appears to be an actor with whom I have a handful of mutual friends, but I don’t recognize.
- This guy who took me on a date to Denny’s then tried to get me to take him to my apartment.
- This actor who wouldn’t look me in the eye when we worked together.
- This actor who always smelled like cloves and leather and who was terribly toxic.
- This gymnast I used to date.
- This guy who I was in a play with and later he texted me a picture of his penis.
- This mechanic I loved but who I haven’t been to in years.
- This guy I knew from that job I quit.
- Some other guy who has the same name of an athlete and I don’t recognize either.
- Some girl from some play I was in.
- This church I don’t go to anymore.
- Some guy with one of the most generic names imaginable that it does no good to Google.
- Some guy who sounds like he’s a character in a play about the clash of cultures in 1912 New York tenement housing. No idea who he is.
- No idea who this girl is, though her name sounds like a character that might show up as one of the Sharks in West Side Story 2
- Same for this girl
- The XMIL. I did accidentally call her once and she got pissed.
- No idea who this woman is.
Holy shit, how am I only on the G’s!!!
- Some restaurant I like, but certainly never need to call.
- The XH’s old work number.
- This girl who invited me to hang with her on New Year’s Eve once and then was a total fucking bitch to me and literally pushed me out of the way any time a guy was talking to me and not to her.
- The number marked “home” that isn’t anymore.
- This couple I used to babysit for but haven’t talked to since 2007.
- Another actor from that play I was in back in the day.
- This guy who was friend with the XH. He introduced me to Nick Swardson and Nick Swardson kissed my hand that night. I probably owe him my first-born or something, but he can get in touch with me if he wants to cash in that debt.
- Janelle?? Janet??
- The guy who trained me at the worst job I’ve ever had.
- This woman who helped convince me to quit that job back in the day. She was my manager for a while. Then she disappeared. I think she’s in Africa somewhere.
- The pastor at this church I used to go to. He did my pre-marital counseling.
- This guy who after hiring me to write for him, tried to convince me to have an affair.
- This girl from this stupid play I was in.
- This woman I used to work for.
- This guy I didn’t hire to DP one of my shorts.
- This writer who pretended he was interested in helping me get published in a big time magazine that I would stab myself to get published in. He loved, praised and talked about my work until I turned down his 2 a.m. text to hang out. The next time I saw him, he told me my writing was crap and that I didn’t know what I was doing.
- This kid I used to tutor.
- The dude whose emails, texts and calls I haven’t responded to since an ill-fated trip we took together
- The director of this theater I’ve never performed at.
- This guy I had a huge crush on when I worked at that job I quit. He barely spoke to me then. Pretty sure he’s got no interest in speaking to me now. Also he likes rap, so that would have been a problem anyway.
- This guy who took me on the most amazing day of date I’ve ever been on…then didn’t speak to me for like a year. Then he turned up at a reading I was in, looked dreamily into my eyes and told me I was beautiful… Then never spoke to me again. He’s married now.
- My old boss at the worst job I’ve ever had.
- Juan?? Oh crap! Juan from work… Well, I just deleted your # bc I didn’t remember ever getting it from you. If you’re reading…if you could text me, that’d be dope.
- My old manager’s cell phone #
- My old boss from that job I quit.
- This woman I used to work with who now apparently lives in China
- Keshaun? I’m shocked that someone named Keshaun ended up in my phone in the first place.
- This restaurant I used to order from when I lived in the Valley.
- Someone else from that job I quit (nothing against these folks, btw, I just can’t imagine needing to call them)
- The crazy rich lady I used to work for who told me that “Final Draft writes the script for you!”
- Some actress
- My old nutritionist
- This guy I met outside of a club (when do I ever go to clubs??) who said “Let’s trade numbers. You can never have too many numbers!”
- Some comedian’s reps
- An old therapist
- This guy I dated who after a week and a half of knowing each other, every time we made out, would say “should I get a condom?” Then once he said it before we were even back in his apartment, he said the same thing. So the next day I said, “hey, just wanted to touch base about the sex thing. I don’t really want to go there unless I’m in a thing that’s a THING, you know. If that doesn’t work for you, that’s totally cool, no hard feelings, just let me know.” He said that was cool. Then immediately started flaking on all our plans. I called it off the next week. Not 24 hours after I did, he texted me and said: “Hey, is it cool if we do a booty call every once in a while?”
- This other woman who used to do my hair…and show up 2+ hours late to every appointment.
- A number marked “No.”
- A number marked “nope”
- This football player turned sound editor who was friends with the XH.
- A stalker
- The program coordinator for a Christian College in Texas
- Another therapist.
- A former student – again…don’t need teenagers’ #s in my cellie
- Another DP I didn’t hire to shoot my short
- The first woman who did my hair when I moved to LA.
- Some writer I went on two dates with and who has a big movie coming out next year
I can’t believe this is about to have taken two hours.
- This woman I used to work with. We gave it a good ol’ college try at being friends, but there were no sparks.
- My friend’s ex-boyfriend. We were all friends. They broke up. Had to pick a side.
- A third guy I didn’t hire to DP my short.
- Some vet I used to go to
- Some guy I met at a networking event and know nothing about
Folks In My Phone I Likely Should be Deleting But Just Can’t Yet
- The XFIL, XBIL and XSIL. Just in case something ever happens to the XH and one of them calls to let me know. I want to recognize the number.
- This agent I used to know. He was the first big-time Hollywood type to give me his phone number. Then he proceeded to break my heart.
- This kid I was totally into in college. He called me out of the blue in like 2004 and it was just like old times. He told me then that he hated that he didn’t kiss me that one time when we were back in school. I told him I agreed. That was the last we spoke.
- This guy I dated with whom I had pretty uninteresting sex. He’s hot though.
- The guy who just dumped me… What? It’s not like his number wasn’t in my phone. I was gonna have to come across it, so yeah, it was gonna come up. But this isn’t about that.
- This actress who’s currently on a TV show who unfriended me on facebook even though SHE was the one who asked me for my # and found me on fb in the first place.
- This director I didn’t like working with, but he’s famous now.
- The British guy I went on one date with. At the end of it he said “I’ll call you… I know it sounds like I’m not going to, but I mean it. I will.” Then we never spoke again. He does know people in London, though, so I might hit him up for a referral for my trip.*
- An executive who I’d love to work for again, but who stopped working with me after confessing that he thought about going on a date with me.
- The girl I’m pretty sure the XH was in love with. And if he was, I truly hope they work it out.
Folks In My Phone I’m Gonna Stop Being a Pussy About and Just
Call Already Send a Non-Invasive Facebook Message To
- This awesome woman I made friends with right before she and her perfect husband took their perfect relationship and their perfect baby to a perfect new job in a different state weeks before me and the X-H split up. Never had the guts to talk to her since my split since she clearly had everything worked out so well and I had only managed to work out making a pretty colossal mistake.
- The folks who run a preservation society dedicated to protecting what I think is one of the coolest pieces of Los Angeles architecture, The Dunbar Hotel. I want to write a film about this place. Not sure why I won’t start on it.
- This guy I went on two dates with and he was truly a nice guy, but I just wasn’t feeling it. But if anyone’s looking for a recommendation…
- The guy I was in love with all of high school. He had a rough few years. Not sure how he’s doing now.
Whose numbers are you hanging on to? Whycome? Let us know in the comments!
*Shameless Oreo Plug. 1) SmartyPig is a totally cool $-savings tool! I highly recommend it. b) So I have the opportunity to meet with an actor who I love love love in the UK this summer. Trying to make it a successful working holiday and take some other Brit talent out for a pint with the hope of writing for them one day. Should anyone feel inclined to help an Oreo purchase one of those pints, it would be totes appreciated. You can learn more about my trip, and SmartyPig at this link.