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A Definition and Explanation

March 24, 2009

The Oreo Experience or: A Total Whitey in a Black Chick’s Body

Oreo – Slang: Black on the outside….white on the inside.

My grandparents have really cool recessive genes for black people. They have this rich, dark skin with bright blue eyes.

I also have an interesting recessive gene for black people: the one that makes me love Renaissance Fairs, Kristen Chenowith and dressage competitions.

This blog is dedicated to that existence.

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Django Rechained – Makeout Sesh Gets Messy

September 15, 2014

This weekend I, like many of you, read about The Adventure of Django Unchained Actress Danielle Watts Out and About in Studio City.

If you haven’t heard about this yet, SPOILERALERT:

Watts was making out with her celebrity chef boyfriend in their car when they were approached by cops. They asked her for ID and asked questions intimating they thought she was a prostitute. When she didn’t hand over her ID, they handcuffed her, put her in the back of a squad car; and eventually released her.

Watts, in happier times. (source)

Watts, in happier times.
(source)

I read this story; and became very sad.

Because despite the best efforts of The Oreo Experience, Intl, LLC, ESQ, sometimes people forget some of the basics.

Danielle did a lot of things right (white boyfriend, hanging out in Tony neighborhood where the average home price is $1.1 million) but she also made some classic mistakes.

Can you spot them? I’ll give you a minute. Eyes on your own paper!

Answer carefully

Answer carefully

SFX: Girl from Impanema

Pencils down! Let’s see how you did. What did Ms. Watts do wrong? Here we go:

Short, natural hair.
Maintaining long hair as a woman of color takes a long time and goodly amount of dedication. Your long flowing locks will make it clear that you don’t have time to take on a second job as a prostitute. It’s also in line with pretty standard Western beauty standards. Showing that you’re not afraid to not conform also shows that you’re not afraid to not be breaking laws. When someone endures the time, money, and third-degree burns necessary to fit in perfectly, you can be much more assured that they don’t want to cause trouble.

NYC shirt
Sure New York City is home to great museums, priceless works of art and brilliant architecture. But it’s also super diverse and sung about by rappers. How are police supposed to know that you’re paying homage to The Big Apple because you really love Art Deco buildings or because you’re in line with Mr. Beyonce?

You can still wear shirts that announce one’s love of cities, just make sure they’re the right cities. For example, I love sporting my “Wisconsin is for me!” or “Omaha is lovely this time of year!” or “I sure do enjoy Salt Lake City” tees.

Colorful shorts.
Short shorts are totally ok, but we need to tone down the colors. The orange and purple and bold patterns are reminiscent of some African tribal prints (which I only know since I have done the scary research so that you don’t have to).

Didn’t show the cops her ID.
Look, just because there’s no law on the CA books that says you don’t have to carry ID with you if you’re not operating a motor vehicle. And just because California doesn’t have a Stop and Identify statute doesn’t mean a darn thing. Oreos are not interested in the “letter of the law,” we’re interested in “making other people feel comfortable.”

Expressed affection during daylight hours
Everyone knows that the best, safest, most secure and sincere way to show your love just how much you love them is in the dark. And maybe in separate beds. Pennings sonnets. Praying for redemption from your lust.

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What do you think? Justified stop or something else? Have you been pulled over for silly reasons? How did you get out of it? Or are you writing from jail? If you are writing from jail, it is one of those nicely lit ones like on OITNB; or one of the scary jails from that SpikeTV show JAIL?
Let us know in the comments!

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Truth or Dare

August 11, 2014

Remember the game Truth or Dare? That game we played as kids with the goal to embarrass each other as much as possible in the name of pre-pubescent bonding?  I was thinking about that game during the last few days (no, nothing weird happened over the weekend, why?) and I realized something very important: This game is wasted on the young.

When you’re a kid and you play Truth or Dare, you get questions like:

“Truth… do you like Ben?” or “Truth…have you gotten your period?” or “Dare: I dare you to show us your bra!”

These questions are worthless. Doesn’t matter how you feel about Ben. Dollars to donuts he is not into the girl who looooooves turquoise and who’s 12-year-old teeth are just not where they should be. And in a few years, to make up for the fact that Ben never gave you the time of day, you’ll be showing everyone your bra.

We all go through dark times.

Ben, I never blamed you.

But if we could re-purpose this set up and harness the power of probing questions and suggestions for ridiculous action items for 30-somethings, lives would change, my friends. Lives would change.

Think about it. You’re hanging with your friends. Enjoying a glass 3.4 bottles of wine, someone finally puts down the Cards Against Humanity and suggests Truth or Dare.

“Truth: Do you really need to have Bradley Murphy’s number in your phone anymore?”

“Truth: Be honest. If a friend talked to you….the way you talk to you… would you consider that person a friend? No, no you would not.”

Or “Dare: …I dare you to revamp your resume. You don’t have to send it out, let’s just open up that Word doc and see what we’re working with.”

Maybe, “Dare you to just put your gym bag in the car. Don’t have sign up anywhere. Just pack it, put it in the backseat and when you’re ready, it will be, too.”

We could change the world you guys. The whole world.

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What would you Truth or Dare yourself to do?

Let us know in the comments. Then let us know how it goes! #TheRevolutionBeginsHere #ButNotA”Revolution”Revolution,CIA.Don’tGetItTwistedJustSomeSelfImprovement

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Hobby Lobby – Not Hateful – Helpful!

June 30, 2014

People are very upset over this Supreme Court Hobby Lobby ruling. And on it’s face, it seems very upsetting.

For those who have missed the news, the Supreme Court today handed down a ruling that corporations can withhold coverage for birth control for women if the religious beliefs of the corporation say that birth control is icky. Birth control can be denied whether the woman is using for slutty slut reasons or if she’s using it so that she can stand up the week a month that her body is being ravaged by horrible PCOS symptoms. Either way, female HL employees are out of luck. Meanwhile, male employee can buy all the condoms and vasectomies their little hearts desire.

What I think everyone is missing is that sure, Hobby Lobby is kiiiind setting up a precedent for actively discriminating against half the population of this country. But, it’s only because they’re offering some pretty sweet alternatives, you guys!

They are a craft store after all. And they’ve come up with some awesome DIY birth control projects that you can create right from Hobby Lobby’s own aisles!

 

Put a Bird on it!
Hobby Lobby is not offering help with women keeping themselves healthy, but they are offering discounts on its line of Small Pastel Natural Feather Birds. Just affix one of these lovelies to your naughty bits and voila! The feathers provide a gentle tickling sensation, but the beak assures you that your partner can only get so far.

CheepCheepCheep! It's a birdsong! Describing what people think of you when you have sex, but no baby to show for it.

CheepCheepCheep! It’s a birdsong! A birdsong describing what people think of you when you have sex, but no baby to show for it.

Wax On!
Use Hobby Lobby’s Natural Soy Wax Candle Making Kit to keep your yippie bog tidy and terrifying! The wax gently removes unwanted hair, while the wick you can now light keeps away unwanted dick. Just build the candle using your fiddle cove as the candle form and light it up whenever that special someone gets too close!

Everything looks better by the glow of candlelight. Especially Scalia.

Everything looks better by the glow of candlelight. Especially Scalia.

 

Play Dress Up!
Did you know that Hobby Lobby sold fashion accessories? You didn’t? What, were you shopping at some old school shoppe that upheld that boring old idea of the separation of church and state? Well, your world is about to get rocked! Because at the HL, you can dress up your purity by buying this Turquoise Burlap Flower Hair Clip. Just put this in your hair…or anywhere near you really and no one will touch you again. Especially not with their sexy.

Not sexy! Just like sex.

Not sexy! Just like sex.

 

Get Framed!
Remind your beloved how special and sacred your Georgia O’Keefe is by buying the right frame. All you need is a hot glue gun and the right faux sterling silver rectangle to make your man think twice about soiling that godly work of art. Hobby Lobby’s Mini Photo Frame with Rhinestones is the perfect addition to your gut locker.

116913

OOOooOOo, sparkly! Just like your innocence.

CrossStitch Crazy!
With a long enough needle, a little ice to dull the pain, and the fortitude to do the right thing, even though a few tears, you can create a beautiful design across your unholy opening–as you’re sewing it shut! Look, you probably have a tattoo or a piercing ya big slut bag, this isn’t going to hurt anymore than that. Plus, it’ll look so pretty and Jesus will thank you! In fact, HoLo has a wide variety of cross-related cross-stitchesfor you to choose from!

Chemical birth control is sinful and dangerous. But crafts are holy and fun! So make Hobby Lobby your Plan B; and we bet it’ll be your Plan A in no time.

 

What are your favorite DIY projects? And whose rights do they infringe upon? Let us know in the comments!

 

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Where Should I Put This?

June 30, 2014

I was so happy this week to finally be graced with my shiny, brand spanking new Restoration Hardware catalog in all it’s 12-lb glory!

If you haven’t gotten it yet, you’re in a for a treat! An eco nightmare of a treat, but what’s life without a little waste?

 

#blessed (source(

#blessed
(source)

If you have gotten it, I’m assuming you’ll be reading this post when you come out of your polished nickel daze and will need to know what to do with that mound of quasi-recyclable paper once you’ve finished dog-earing all that needs to be dog-eared.

Take care. The placement of said catalogue in your home will speak volumes about who you are, where you’ve come from and who you wish to be. So lay it down with care.  And feel free to use this guide.

 

Where you put it:Front Step
What you’re saying: “I’ve come home too late to notice this dark grey brick” or: “I can be bothered to fix the broken slate, so this’ll do.”

 

Where you put it: Book-ended on the Art Deco table in your foyer
What you’re saying: “Please wait here. I’ll be with you shortly and I hope that you remain in the utmost comfort until I return. Oh, and if you wouldn’t mind taking off your shoes.”

 

Where you put it: On the distressed teak coffee table in your living room.
What you’re saying:  “We’re low on coasters.”

 

Where you put it: Atop the subway tile counter top in your breakfast nook
What you’re saying: “It’s best if we don’t speak to each other during meals. I’m sure you agree.”

 

Where you put it: Stuffed into your tall vase, the one with the long sticks.
What you’re saying: “I just want you to understand something. I’ve made it. No one has tall vases with sticks unless they’ve made it.”

 

Where you put it: In the box with tear-outs from your House Beautiful subscription and Persian Pear wallpaper swatches.
What you’re saying: “No, no, everything’s fine. I’m just re-doing this other bedroom to make more of a space for myself. We’re not sleeping in separate rooms so much as I just end up working late and don’t want to wake him when I–did you want a drink?”
Where you put it: Under the absinthe fountain
What you’re saying: “Listen, everyone has problems.”

 

Where you put it: Hanging from your abalone chandelier
What you’re saying: “What’s the point of having something–be it a piece of lighting, a vintage celery dish, or a fight–if you’re not going to draw a little attention to it?”

 

Where you put it: In the drawer of your Dutch industrial bedside table
What you’re saying: “I only dream of paradise and cupcakes. What about you?”

Where do you put your most important stuff?  And does anyone have a hookup to a cool vintage celery dish; I’m super hoping to find one. Let us know in the comments!

 

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What Not To Say When Everyone In The Room Shouts The N Word, Then Suddenly Realizes You’re Also In The Room

June 20, 2014

Zumba. I love it. Especially on nights like last night.

Zumba is actually tricky for an Oreo. During the dance-style group exercise class, some of the moves can come dangerously close to looking like popping and/or locking. So as a good Oreo, I always try to stiffen up a little on some of the hippier moves so as not to frighten the other dancers or myself.

What I feel like when I work out

And then tonight, something wonderful happened. I don’t know what the song was (Sondheim didn’t write it, so I was at a loss), but everyone else in the room did. As we danced, they sang along and sang along and sang along and then everyone sang the n-word. In unison. Without missing a beat.

I couldn’t have been more thrilled.

Usually, when there’s an RBP in the room, people would shy away from one of the most offensive words in the English language. They’d think twice about loudly shouting a word that has probably gotten people killed.( At the very least, it’s gotten people into debates on Oprah’s couch–which for an Oreo might be a scarier place than the business end of a revolver.) Normally, if an RBP was in a room, people would maybe try to be polite — not out of fear of making a faux pas, but mainly out of some regard for public safety.

But not with me there. It was like they didn’t think I was black at all!!

Unfortunately, as quickly as my happiness was upon me, it disappeared. For mere seconds after they said the word, they caught sight of my reflection in the mirror and no one sang along for the rest of class.

What I probably look like when I workout

My apologies, ladies, for sullying last night’s good vibes. I will work on my layback and hopefully blend in much better next time.

Granted, some of the following did go through my head, but thanks to my Oreo training, they stayed inside and my outside voice never took control.

  • Why do you all know this song???!
  • Why did you include this song in your playlist??!
  • Is there a manager I can talk to?
  • What did he say after the n-bomb? I really can’t understand any of these lyrics.
  • Please don’t vote.
  • Don Sterling called, he’d like his favorite word back.
  • I’m concerned you might not have wrapped your heads around some basic points of everyday etiquette
  • This is a radio song, so you’ve said this like…how many time by now? And it hasn’t occurred to you to maybe… not?
  • This is a huge city on the liberal left coast for fuck’s sake! Get your shit together!
  • Oh yeah? We’ll your momma’s so fat, I”m very concerned for her long term  health.
  • You’re right, it is ~just~ a word after all, you stupid whale cunt.
  • Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never— *sobs*
  • Maybe I should just got to bootcamp. There’s not music in bootcamp.

Any of those responses would have seemed really RBP-like. Sure, the growing ulcer in my stomach might one day take over my entire digestion system. But I’ll look darn good while I’m convalescing. Yay, Zumba!

We’ve all been there. Someone has said something horrible and we’ve wanted to respond. But a response only makes people feel as awkward as you do.  And we’re better than that. What do you not say when someone pisses you off? Let us know in the comments.

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Sobbing at the Office is the Worst – 3 Tips for Faking Your Way Through The Day

June 11, 2014

Sometimes shit happens. And sometimes that shit happens during normal business hours. So sometimes, you’re going to have to alternate between finishing up a production report, blubbering in the bathroom, running to dailies, weeping at your desk, finishing up that last round of notes and managing to make it to wine club without looking like you’re doing your best impression of someone attending a wedding in Westeros.

(Spoiler alert, I juuuust started watching GoT, so get ready for references that are like 2 seasons behind)

Recently, I had one of those weeks. It’s the first time in 12 years that I haven’t had a pet of my own. Between January and April, I had to unexpectedly say goodbye to both of my two lovely ladies. Two very sweet kitties, ages 12 and 18, one of whom has been with me since my first week in LA and has tolerated a lot of moves, several crappy dudes, and all the times I sing soundtracks at her pretending she’s the Tony Award voter that I must impress.

Is this the biggest tragedy to befall someone? No, but I’m sure that when my family dies in a horrible accident, I’ll be sad then as well, but for now this is what I’m working with. Calling the vet between meetings only to be met with worse and worse news is no bueno, so suffice it to say, there were some tears.

Just call me Katless Everdeen. (source)

Just call me Katless Everdeen.
(source)

Luckily, the Oreo Lifestyle (TM)  is all about stuffing your face feelings when stress levels get high. So here are my favorite tips for dealing with bad private news in a big public place.

Hay isn’t just for horses.
Next time you’re at the Equestrian Center, bring back a few bales of hay to stick in your office. Suddenly, you have a nice rough luxe decor happening and the allergens present in the dried grasses will justify your red eyes.

Home cooked meals.
Onions are notoriously rough on the eyes. So if you’re having a bad day, bring some raw ingredients to use for lunch prep. Onions are helpful on two fronts. One, they’ll make your eyes water, thus hiding your own tears and two, the smell will keep people away so you can weep in peace. So next time you’re prepping meat pies for Ren Fest, keep a couple of those bulbs back for your next bad day.

Go Green!
Direct sunlight isn’t only good for reducing eye strain when reading papers. Open enough windows and you can blame your teary eyes on how bright it is. And who are you to go against your company’s goal of reducing its carbon footprint. Plus, if your windows are positioned in the right way, you’ll get a great rim light on your face so that if you do get caught misty-eyed, at least you’ll look super photo ready. Don’t have windows? No problem. When you make your next Restoration Hardware run, just pick up one of these lovelies, throw in some energy-efficient bulbs, and stare into it for a few minutes. Your office and countenance will look divine!

Beautiful. Just like the feelings no one can ever see (source)

Beautiful. Just like the feelings you can’t express
(source)

What are your favorite tips for faking how you feel? Let us know in the comments!

Also, let’s say I’m really not going to go back and watch the first two or three seasons of Game of Thrones. What do I most need to know?

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Seeing Redskin

June 2, 2014

Redskins.

The word is not a slur. So said a bunch of people at the NFL.

NFL spokesperson Greg Aiello told ESPN: “The team and our office have always said the name is intended to be positive and respectful. Why would you name a sports team otherwise for 80 years?”

Nope, not a slur. It’s a tradition. And traditions, I think history has proven, should never be changed. Ever. That’s why my father is currently looking for men willing to accept a great number of goats and some pretty swell woven blankets in exchange for my hand in marriage. Takers can email oreo@theoreoexperience.com and I’ll make sure he gets your info.

The quote came after a couple of incidents. One, group of senators sent NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell a request that the Washington Redskins Football Club change their name to something that reeked less of colonialism and something more indicative of a team spirit where everyone on the team is you know, part of the team.

After receiving the petition, the team’s social media folks started a campaign that backfired. After tweeting:

images

They discovered that #RedskinsPride means something very different to the tweeting public.

Who knows, maybe it’s a not a “slur” per se. I mean, I don’t know anyone who uses the term. But it is a not super nice term for people who we murdered–well, many of you, my ancestors had nothing to do with that–it’s a not super nice term for people who were murdered (yay, passive voice for making things OK!) so that other people could live where those now dead people did.

That would be like me going next door, stabbing my neighbors to death, moving into their home, and then starting a club soccer team called The Goddamned Thompsons.

(OT: The Goddamned Thompsons are having an excellent season. We’re 6-0. Go Ts!!!)

It’s is possible that this whole not nice name thing is just a misunderstanding. Maybe “Redskins” refers to something else entirely. Sure, there’s a picture of a Native American as the logo, but maybe they meant to have a strawberry, or an aorta, or a picture of the flag of Tunisia, but all that was available at the time was that nice Native American gentleman. Maybe this is all just an issues of bad graphic design.

I said "bad" graphic design. Not "nightmarish."

I said “bad” graphic design. Not “nightmarish.” (source: Photoshop Disasters)

 

What do you think? Should the Redskins be able to keep their name? Have Native Americans “taken back” terms the way that rappers insist people who look like myself have taken back that not nice word? Or should the team be pressured to make up a a new name?

If you were going to name an NFL team, what would you call them? (No fair picking Goddamned Thompsons, btw. That shiz is trademarked)

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