Regular readers know that one of the key tenets of The Oreo Lifestyle™ is to blend in as much as possible and as quickly as possible. The sooner you can get people to stop noticing you’re not white, the sooner they’ll stop posting weird, passive aggressive messages about you getting out of your own car in front of your own house on NextDoor.
Oreos are very good at this. But every once in a while, it goes all pear-shaped.
Like for example: That time last week when you found a nearly dead baby hummingbird in your driveway and spent your nightly-youtubing-British-sketch-comedy hours on frantically getting this little bird to the right rescue.
We all know how this goes. One minute, you’re discussing fledging behaviour, humane traps for predators, and the best ways to clean your yard fountains to prevent the spread of conjunctivitis, and the next minute, one of your rescuers says:
“Yes, I’m employed by the organization, but for money, I also hunt for recyclables in the park. I’m like a blonde Mexican!”
Whoops! It’s a classic situation–assimilating so well that your conversation partner believes that you will be happy to trade in stereotypes about another race. It just means you’re too good at being you.
But what’s an Oreo to do?
Call them out and you risk being labelled a paid Black Lives Matter protestor. Laugh along and you risk them assuming that you also voted to #MAGA.
It seems like a lose-lose situation. And it is. But follow one of these three simple steps and you’ll get out of there unscathed.
Exotic allergies are your friend
Start coughing or sneezing or scratching yourself furiously and blame it on something very specific like westerly winds, or yellow #7, or laughter. This is a great tactic since sudden onsets of specific sensitivities are super Anglo-tastic and no one can tell if what you’re saying is true. All they want is for you to calm down so we can all get on with the evening.
Exotic languages are your friend
Start signing or speaking Japanese or interpretive dancing and explain that with your very interesting upbringing, spoken English wasn’t your first language and you’ve been lip-reading slash translating as best you can this whole time and you didn’t understand that last bit, but you’re very tired, so maybe it’s best that y’all just call it a day.
Exotic women are your friends
Try this sentence: “Did you really just say that you’re like A Blonde Mexican? Oh! Are you talking about how much you look like Rita Hayworth in The Lady From Shanghai? I totally agree!”
Doesn’t matter if she looks like Ms. Hayworth or not, just pay her the compliment and let her be happy about it. Hopefully, she’ll be so excited that she’ll forget about the racism and you can begin your exit. (Yes, Hayworth was Spanish, not Mexican, but trust me, this woman you’re talking to won’t know the difference).
Get out of the conversation unscathed and you can be happy in the knowledge that you saved a little bird’s life and kept that nice lady from feeling embarrassed.
What are your favorite tips for making it out of an awkward moment? Let us know in the comments!
And for more helpful How-Tos, be sure to check out:
- How to Sit For a Portrait
- How To Cry at Work
- How to Listen to Hamilton as an Oreo
- What to do When They’re More Ethnic Than You
- How to Handle Offensive Halloween Costumes
For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)