Halloween is a great time to express your creativity and have some fun. Whether it’s decorating your house with paint-dipped gourds, organizing a walk-through maze, shucking corn at a fair, or just keeping it simple and putting on a costume, this is a great time to just do you.
As a super approachable Oreo, some of these people might come to you for advice, shading tips, and guilt assuagement. And as that Oreo, you have two choices.
- Call them on their crazy ass behavior and unfriend them immediately.
- I’m just kidding, you have one choice and it’s this one: Make them feel comfortable with their suspect decisions. You don’t want to rock the boat and they don’t want you to, either. (After all, those who rock the boat don’t get invited to the Mortinson’s Caroling Regatta this year and you didn’t learn the second alto part to The Huron Carol for nothing). They’re just trying to have a little fun, so stop being a dick about it.
Here is an FAQ for how to deal with the blackfaced Halloweenster in your life:
Q: Is it really racist to wear blackface for Halloween?
A: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over this fully restored phonograph playing Night on Bald Mountain.
Q: And is it any worse than sexy Scrabble?
Q: What if you’re doing a character you like? Like you’re not doing a lynching motif, you’re just dressing up like a famous black person. Is it OK to do blackface then?
A: I’m so sorry, this fully restored 1920s Singer Sewing Machine is louder than I thought, but I really must finish this underskirt before the end of the day.
Q: I mean, isn’t this just being overly PC?
A: Really sorry again, but I forgot to oil the returns on this fully restored 1920s Remmington typewriter and I really do need to finish this set of haikus. You don’t mind if I type during this phone call do you?
Q: All good, I’m at your office door anyway. I guess what I’m asking specifically is you don’t think this costume is racist, do you?
Q: What? Oh, I get it, you think I’m Black Jesus. That’d be funny, that’d be really funny, but I’m just doing Beyonce from Lemonade. That’s why I have this bat. Isn’t this fun?
A: I don’t really know Lemonade. But the tailor who made this farthingale is really great if you want her to whip up something else for the party Saturday night.
Q: You know I broke up with Scott a few weeks ago after he cheated on me, so this is like me being all “fuck you Angela Sodaskas with the good hair.” This is cathartic for me. Are you telling me that because I put a little tanner on, that this is actually offensive?
A: You know what I’m most looking forward to about Saturday night? The mini quiches. Oh, and Mitchell’s famous goat cheese tarts. Hashtag yum!
Q: Seriously. I’m just trying to have fun. I mean, Sandra’s wearing a Leprechaun outfit and you know who’s mad about that?
A: Did you want a scone, I was just about to toast some.
Q: Nobody, that’s who. How is that fair?
A: You’re right. Save the carbs for Saturday. Mitchell also makes those great lemon squares.
Q: Oh hey Jordan. Great costume. Aydrea, what do you think?
A: JESUS CHRIST!
Q: No, no, I’m not Black Jesus–but that would have been funny! I’m America’s Sweetheart Simone Biles. Can you tell this glitter leotard is giving me a wedgie?
Q: Oh, come on. You’re not one of those people who’s like “ugh, your costume’s offensive because you covered your whole body in blackface” are you?
A: I would never say that.
Q: I know. You’re always so chill. Why can’t everyone be like you?
A: I’ve read the manual a LOT of times. Like really a bunch of times. Takes some real dedication. And a lot of people have families, so it’s hard to carve out the necessary hours.
Q: Have you seen Geoff’s costume? I think he really knocked it out of the park. Hey Geoff come over here!
A: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!
Q: Hahaha! I thought you’d think I was do Black Jesus. But no, I’m not Black Jesus. I’m a Black Lives Matter protester.
Q: You get it, right?
A: I’m so sorry, it’s really hard to hear you over the sound of me breaking these fully restored vintage China plates, but the smashing action is making it possible for me to not break my own fingers and face. Can we maybe touch base about this a little later?
Q: Sure! You going to the party Saturday?
A: I wouldn’t miss those tarts for the world.
Do you need a little help keeping that stiff upper lip? Here are some more helpful How-tos!
- If You Can’t Say Something Nice, Make This Face Instead
- Sexy Oreo Costumes
- Need to school your friend/officemate/parent on their terrible costume? Here’s a primer for How to Say Uncomfortable Things.
And hey! Here’s The Oreo Experience having some Halloween fun with references that are surely as timely today as they were in 2011. Also that costume totally still fits… totally.
What’s the best (and or worst) costume you’ve seen so far? What are you dressing up as? Send us your pics and let us know in the comments!
For Mor-eo Oreo: Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter (@oreoexperience)