So I went karaokeing last week and really did try to sing something normal…but then defaulted to showtunes, natch. Off my friends’ requests I have tried to get some regular songs in my repetoir…but they’re confusing. Like is “What’s My Name?” (Rhianna ft. Drake) as misogynistic as I first thought it was, or is it a sneaky feminist rant that Erica Jong would be proud of?
Lemme know what you think!
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
The next five days are dangerous ones for Oreos. Today is the second day of Kwanzaa and the “holiday” doesn’t end until Jan. 1.
Kwanzaa, or “a celebration of family, community and culture” (according to its website), began long ago was invented in 1966 by Dr. Maulana Karenga (who lives in Chatsworth, CA, btw). The day is meant to celebrate (according to the website) the “best of being African and human). And to be fair, Ngoza Saba–or seven principles of Kwanzaa are actually not that bad. Who couldn’t use a little unity, self-determination, collective work and responsibility, collective economics, purpose, creativity and faith?
But look at it. It’s obviously suuuuuuper black and makes people as uncomfortable as they are when they realize that Christmas carols are really on the nose and don’t mince words about that whole Jesus Christ business.
So a good Oreo must take care to avoid any semblance of having any ties to the holiday. Here are some ways to make sure your end of year is Oreo-tastic and Kwanzaa free!
1. Always have at least a small blanchetourage in tow. This goes without saying as Oreos are always in the company of their white friends. But during Kwanzaa, it is doubly important to be flanked by some non-colors so that no one accidentally offers you a slice of benne cake or dollop of okra.
2. Avoid wearing red, green and black and/or any combination thereof. These three colors are the ones used in the kinara — the Kwanzaa menorah. Decorating your space or person with these colors is just asking for trouble. As is wearing clothes with complicated patterns that might be mistaken for African clothing. Instead, try some nice pastels or the colors from your yacht club’s crest or your family’s tartan.
3. Replace tapered candles with tea candles. The kinara is traditionally filled with long, tapered candles. Regardless of color, take the ones from your centerpieces out and replace them with smaller, less suspicious candles.
4. Keep real menorahs on display. This may seem contrary to the advice above, but it will give you a great opportunity to see if your other Oreo efforts are working. If they are working, guests will immediately recognize the candles correctly. If not, they may ask you if you are celebrating Kwanzaa. While this will sting, it will also remind you to keep that black in check.
5. Should the worst happen, confront it with a smile. If someone does stop you on the street and wish you a good Kwanzaa, do not lash out at them or cry. That will be confusing. Instead, say something like, “Oh, is it Kwanzaa, I just got back from wintering in Banff and I had no idea.” They’ll get the point.
Finally, should someone give you a Kwanzaa gift, do keep it. It’s rude to refuse. You can always return it for a nice table wine or Criterion Collection version of Gone With The Wind.
For more ways to get out of tricky situations, check out this post on eating chicken, this one on saying the n-word, or this one on how to save face when you’re face to face with another Oreo.
What are some holiday traditions–either celebrated en masse or by your own family that you love/can’t stand? Let us know in the comments!
****
I love how exercise makes you love and hate yourself simultaneously. On one hand--yay physical activity. On the other--boo, I need more physical activity!
Gym activities can be trick territory for an Oreo. On one hand, RBP are pretty athletic–I’ve seen sports games!
On the other hand, there are a few classes available at most gyms where an Oreo can be in safe company: Belly dancing, gymnastics, hot yoga, Tough Mudder training and spin classes to name a few.
I was in spin class last night and having a great time cycling to Pink, MCR, Daft Punk and a little Blue Man Group.
And then they started the uphills.
For those unfamiliar with spin classes, here’s how it goes. You strap your feet into a stationary bike that has an evil crank on the low bar part. Depending on which direction you crank the crank, you will either add resistance or take it away. The instructor leads you through a routine designed to mimic different types of bike riding environments. Less resistance and lots of RMPs and you’re speeding along a highway. More resistance and fewer RPMs and you’re headed up a mountain.
And that’s where things got wonky.
At one point during that uphill, I had so much resistance on that I had to move my body to get the pedals to go. Suddenly, I my upper body was bouncing in time to a rhythm. My shoulders were dipping in a really hip hoppy sort of way. My torso was twisting with each bounce and it looked like a dip and step. And with the way I had to whip my head back and forth to distract myself from the burning in my quads, I might as well have been an extra in a Rhianna video. 😦 *sigh*
Luckily, I’m headed out to get my box step on at Lindy Groove (an LA swing dance club/event) tonight!
And this isn’t the first revelation I’ve had during spin class. Check out this post to see what else goes through my head on that bike. Or this post to see why the wrong dance moves can be disastrous. Or this post to see what happened the time I actually tried to dance.
I’m also seriously considering doing an endurance race next year. Tough Mudder might be a bit too tough–they run through a field of live wires–but I’d like to try something. What do you think? If you’ve done one, tell us what it’s like! What is the most interesting physical thing you’ve endured? Let us know in the comments!
***
The rope is there for a reason.
Because in a group, black people are scary!
Look, Ivy League alum who are upset that your were turned away from a club even though you weren’t doing anything wrong, we’ve been over this. One of us in a crowd is delightful, maybe even amusing. We provide the image of diversity in a neighborhood with declining property values.
But standing in line…outdoors…where people can see you…that’s just threatening. Even if you are a bunch of Harvard and Yale law students. Yes, the argyle and the discussion of this year’s lacrosse teams is a start, but you have to look at the whole picture.
Here’s what happened: A group of of-color Ivy Leaguers with a phenomenally strict guest list were waiting on line to get into a new club.
The owners of the club, seeing the line, believed it to be attracting “local gang bangers” and shut the party down. Or maybe they just thought the line would attract local gang bangers, because according to one of the event’s organizers, the club management said both.
In a letter to the party-attendees, one of the organizers explained his mistake:
At approximately 10:30PM club management called the owner to say that they saw individuals on line whom they recognized as “local gang bangers” (their words not mine). In response to this, the club owner directed the bouncers to only let individuals with a Harvard or Yale ID in to the club. At this point Kwame and I argued that no alumnus would have his or her expired college ID with them and reiterated that the reason we did the party on a pre-sold basis with strict admittance based solely on the guest list was to guarantee that the only attendees were Harvard and Yale alumni, grad students and their close friends and to ensure that no “bad seeds” could contaminate our party. However, given that this was the club’s opening weekend, the owner was particularly sensitive to anything going wrong.
At approximately 10:45, after we won the argument concerning the amazing quality of our crowd and the strictness of our guest list, management began letting people in but then became worried that as our crowd waited in line it could attract the attention of “local gang bangers” passing by who would try to gain entrance to our party. Furthermore, they feared that if these individuals were turned away for not being on the guest list they could hypothetically cause problems with the bouncers outside of the club and draw negative attention to the establishment. Despite the fact that our Friday night party went off without a hitch and had no problems when we turned people away from the door for not being on our list, management decided to shut the party down as to avoid the hypothetical chance of attracting the “wrong crowd” (again their words not mine). In spite of our attempts to reason with them, we were left in a position where despite agreeing with our logic, the decision had been made and we were left powerless
When JJ Abram’s hour-long drama, “Sexy Sexy Black People” Undercovers showed up in the TV listings, I was super worried. A show with Oreo-esque leads might lead to other TV shows to feature layered characters of color and then how would I stand out??
But my fears were allayed with NBC announced they were canceling it.
Writing for The Root, Marcus Vanderberg mentions that Undercovers had a lot of challenges–including untested acting talent, weak scripts and a poor time slot.
Another problem:
Black viewers, who many might have guessed would rally behind the show, never embraced it. Undercovers only cracked the top 10 on Target Market News‘ list of the top 25 broadcast shows in black households twice, and that was during its first two weeks on air. On Nov. 4, the night before the show was officially canceled, Undercovers finished 16th in black households behind Hawaii Five-0 and The Mentalist, both of which lack black lead characters.
Black people didn’t want to watch a show with untested acting talent, weak scripts and a poor time slot. So now, networks are feeling skittish again about casting leads of color in a show.
The fact that black leads are such a gamble on network TV these days highlights the noticeable shift in programming during the last 25 years….
…The UPN and the WB, which is now the CW Network, copied the Fox blueprint (think Girlfriends) before they all abandoned most of their black programming in order to appeal to a more mainstream audience. And now it seems as if all the inroads of the past few decades have been for nothing…
I took a look at other shows that have been canceled or threatened with cancellation this year and noticed a disturbing trend:
18 To Life: Kids Get Married on a Dare
100 Questions: A girl and her friends navigate life in NYC - canceled after 6 eps
As The World Turns: Stodgy Soaps Suddenly Seems Sexy
Man with huge hands gives advice - canceled after 2 eps
The Bridge: Cop does cop things.- canceled after 3 eps
Gravity: Suicide survivors make jokes - canceled after 10 eps
Huge: Nikki Blonsky goes to camp
Lone Star: A con man has a conscious...and also a lot of sex. - canceled after 2 eps.
My Generation: Angst and agnst with a dollop of angst. - canceled after 2 eps
Outlaw: Jimmy Smits knows justice; but not TV audiences - canceled after four eps.
Notice anything about most of the people in these shows?
They’re actors! Apparently, actor-led TV shows have a really hard time sticking. I hope the networks don’t feel skittish about gambling on having actors in their shows after this disappointing season.
Crossing my fingers for you, actors. You’ll figure it out.
And if you do wanna see some of colors leading a show…there’s always the still-climbing-in-the-ratings Real Housewives of Atlanta where next week, Phaedra and Apollo will have a baby…or won’t they???
Sometimes, it’s hard to know exactly what to do and not to do to be an Oreo. But just when you’re wondering:
Want to know what black is? This lady will tell you. She knows. She does research
“Hmmm, does this credit card charge, Episcopalian service or my position on gender roles make me more or less black?”
Along comes CNN for telling us exactly what it is to be “Black in America”….so that we can avoid it completely!
I have only seen snippets of this “documentary series” and was excited to read Elon James White’s recap of it. (I know, I know, I’m reading a black blog. But his last name is “White” so that must help, right?) The link above takes you to his article. And here’s an excerpt:
I jokingly tweeted “Watching BIA 3 again because apparently I hate my eyes” but as one particular great white hope said “A lot truth is said in jest.” Having now watched Black in America twice I’ll try to paint a picture of last nights installment in the “This is how the Negroes work” series.
Thanks to CNN, I’ve been able to add to my list of things to avoid. Things that black people apparently do that are very very different than non-colors and things I will begin to shun in order to not lose the Oreo points I have painstakingly amassed.
Some are obvious, like the don’t rap or don’t have a drug dealer as a relative rule. But others are sneakier. Now it’s goodbye to using credit cards, dealing with college debt, contemplating spirituality. Because according to “Black in America” those are things unique to the of color experience.
And major Coconut points go to Soledad O’Brien, the Cuban/Australian journalist helming this series. One way to make yourself feel better about your own brownish heritage is to make others feel a little worse about theirs.
Hmm, I wonder if she’d take my pitch for “Oreo in America.”
For more ways to make sure that the person you’re talking to is an actual Oreo click here.
And for more ways to keep up with The Oreo Experience, click here.
FACT: The music video “White (on the inside) Christmas” will not be the first time that director Geoffrey Plitt and I have worked together. It also won’t be the first time he reminded me why I love being an Oreo so much!
Here’s the story!
The social cred that comes with being an Oreo doesn’t stop at things like making people feel comfortable enough to casually use racial epithets in conversation or not having to show your ticket to get back into a crowded improv theater. Sometimes, you get really cool opportunities!
When my Geoff needed someone to play Michelle Obama in an hilarious short musical, he thought long and hard to find someone who was experienced, talented, could take direction, cared for the cause…and who was black.
And thanks to the limited number of of colors in independent comedy viral videos, he found me!
Check out me playing the first lady here!
Very excited to work with Geoff again on White (on the inside) Christmas!!
A big thank you to everyone who’s joined the team through our Kickstarter campaign. You guys have made it incredibly successful and we really really appreciate it!
There’s just a couple of days left to sign up. And remember, joining the team by pledging any amount gets you cool perks like the password to protected blog posts where production videos and Oreo secrets will be revealed! Click here to see our Kickstarter page with more video updates, comments from other backers and more info about the video shoot including song excerpts and storyboards!
And coming up soon! New posts and videos about some questionable fashion choices, why the confusingly named Juan Williams is an Oreo icon and news on a chance to see The Oreo Experience on stage in LA.
Mmmm, sweet potato bisque with a side of acculturation!
People are making quite a to-do over German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s comments this weekend that immigrants who speak German with an accent are making the entire country dumber. During a speech last weekend, Merkel said:
“This approach has failed, totally,” she said, adding that immigrants should integrate and adopt Germany’s culture and values.
“We feel tied to Christian values. Those who don’t accept them don’t have a place here,” said the chancellor.
People say it’s not fair to impose that kind of conformity on people just trying to make it in this world. Pshaw! I say. We all have rules that we expect people to respect in our own homes. Why not in society as well?
For example, last night, I attended a lovely dinner party where the host, rightfully so, protected her home by making sure that we conformed to what she decided was best for her space.
She asked that we take our shoes off as she just had some lovely travertine put and didn’t want it all scuffed. Perfectly reasonable request. Unfortunately, one of her guests was in a boating accident over the weekend where he broke his foot. His foot was in one of those big boot casts–way too heavy for the delicate stone floors. And because of his still-healing injury, he couldn’t take it off. It was nothing personal, but because she was protecting her home, she kindly asked him to GTFO.
She held the dinner as a bit of a salon to discuss some new opera works. One of the women brought her deaf boyfriend and offered to interpret for him. Nothing personal, but we were there to talk, not to play charades all night. And we were talking about music, something he’s never even heard. So, the host protected the work we had all done doing research and listening to samples by asking him to GTFO.
And she all teared up when she asked her sister to GTFO after it was discovered that he sister didn’t match the $75 budget for the gift exchange. Sure she’s been out of work for the last 9 months and was just looking for some company, but every society has its rules. Even a small opera appreciation society.
About an hour later and it was just the two of us….until I goofed. She specifically asked for a Sicillian desert wine and I got my “S”s mixed up and brought Spanish instead. I’m sure her empanadas would have been fine with what I brought, but I should have been more respectful. She didn’t even have to say it. I knew what I did wrong, so while she went to put on a brave face in the loo, I picked up my shoes and GTFO.
She posted facebook pictures the next day. She seemed to have a great time all by herself.
We all know that RBP love cripsy chicken products at a significantly higher rate than non colors. So it’s imperative that Oreos stay away from said food. Sometimes, however, eating chicken will be nearly unavoidable. Here are four ways that an Oreo can make eating chicken palatable.
For more chicken confessions, check out this diary entry, what happened when I went to screening of my web series, and how I broke all the above rules on my birthday last week.
Follow The Oreo Experience on Twitter
Subscribe to The Oreo Experience on youtube!
Embrace it! Awkward moments are good for you!
I was taking a turn about the Equestrian Center after riding today when I had an experience that definitely made me take stock in my Oreodom.
I was nearly of the gate and back to my car when an older man rode up to me in his golf cart and asked what I was doing there.
To be fair, there was a competition going on so most of the people there were in formal riding gear, though I had hoped my jodhpurs would have helped me blend in a bit.
I told him I was just there to watch, he informed me that he was the show vet and we started a lovely conversation about big animal care, James Harriet and our favorite places in Ireland and West Hollywood. Then, my new friend said this to me:
“There’s another colored gal who has a horse up here…do you know her?”
Now, while I’m sure the gal was at the last meeting, I didn’t know who he was talking about and I told him so.
At first, I forgot my Oreoness and was a little put off by having been called colored. But then, my Oreo senses kicked in and I decided to chart it out and see how I should feel…
CON: Even with the jodhpurs and tightly-pinned bun, he still noticed I was black.
PRO: Though he noticed I was black, he still talked freely to me, suggesting that he didn’t think I was angry RBP.
CON: He made the small circle of people around us uncomfortable, as they all did quick side glances at me to see how I would react.
PRO: My Oreo-sense allowed me to put everyone else at ease by responding sweetly and without malice to his thoughtful inquiry.
CON: Getting away with saying it once made him say it again and more when he added: “Oh yeah, and there’s this other colored fellow who owns a couple of horses down the way. I mean, I think he’s a black guy, he’s really, you know, dark like you are.” Equal amounts of uncomfyness followed.
PRO: Each time he said an adjective that described the hue of my skin, it made my back stiffen straighter and straighter–which made my my posture much better for my next riding lesson.
Antiquated terms, FTW!
His questions also made it clear that there are other Oreos nearby…if any of you are reading this, let me know you’re out there and we’ll grab a scone or something.
What’s the most uncomfortable thing someone’s asked you in public? How did you respond? Let us know in the comments!
The Oreo Experience 