But if you feel like doing a bit of driving (in your Oreo-approved Mini Cooper–the originals, not the new ones that obliterate the purpose of being mini by being the size of a totally regular car– or on your Vespa) here are three places to check out on your journey away from your ethnicity.
DAVE AND CHANTAL’S HOUSE
What Will You See There? Pictures of their recent South African wedding (awwwww!)…where they chose a “colonial” theme (awwww—okaaaaay) and to round out the effect, and made sure that all the all-white crowd was attended to by a fleet of all black servants–just like in the good ol’ colonial days!!! (awwwwwkward!!!)
The smiles were as genuine as the nostalgia
*Bonus points if you hang out with the wedding coordinator who, upon hearing this idea seconded it and unembarrasedly put out an employment notice requesting the specialized staff.
PLANTATION CHAPELS
What Will You See There? Beautiful homes (awwwwww!) that were home to wealthy wealthy slave-owners (awww–kaaaay) and where slave quarters are kept in preserved, working conditions (awwwwwkward!!)
Well, black families did do really well on plantations, right Bachmann?
*Bonus points if you don’t skip the Confederate flag as a commentator who was mentioned in this article on the trend suggested.
THE PINKBERRY NEAR MY HOUSE
What Will You See There? I mentioned recently that a very helpful employee at my local Pinkberry suggested that out of all the flavors available, I might like watermelon the best. I decline and went with my staple mango and original tart.
I thought this was a one time thing, but no! I went back and the conversation went very similarly:
Pinkberry Worker: What can I get for you?
OreoExperience: Mango and original tart, please.
Pinkberry Worker: Watermelon?
OreoExperience: Mango and original tart, please.
Pinkberry Worker: Oh, okay. Oh.. are you with them?
I turned around and saw another black family at the back of the store. They entered about 3 minutes after I did. We hadn’t spoken to each other and our body language was in no way open towards each other (thanks for following the rules, btw, Other Black People!). Surely he couldn’t’ have meant them.
OreoExperience: Who?
Pinkberry Worker: Them.
He did.
OreoExperience: No.
Pinkberry Worker: Okay…. I’m sorry, did you say wa–
OreoExperience: Mango
For toppings, I'll take yogurt chips, kiwi slices and just a spoonful of embarassment
*Bonus Points if you keep going back to this Pinkberry….like I do.
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Where are your favorite places to road-trip, awkward or otherwise? Let us know in the comments!
Everyone needs a place to get away from the routine
Hey black guys! Want a break from that dangerous, deadly life you lead? Do you need a place to lower your blood pressure while communing in a community of your peers?
Try prison!
This headline came out last week which surely didn’t bother anyone in the blogosphere at all:
Black men are half as likely to die at any given time if they’re in prison than if they aren’t, suggests a new study of North Carolina inmates.
The short story is that a new study shows that black men live longer in prison than outside of it. And of course they do! With such comfy quarters and sense of camaraderie, it only makes sense. Here are three reasons why you should book your weekend away today!
The black prisoners seemed to be especially protected against alcohol and drug-related deaths…
Few things are more sobering than living in a studio apartment (Los Angelinos, am I right!!) and in prison, you don’t even get that much. But it’s all part of simplifying your life.
You're so cute IKEA, but even this adorable Splornjabarn won't fit between the cot, the toilet, the shiv stand and the shame. Bummer!
2. Clean pipes!
White prisoners died of cardiovascular diseases as often as expected and died of cancer slightly more often than non-prisoners.
Black inmates, by contrast, were between 30 and 40 percent less likely to die of those causes than those who weren’t incarcerated
Some might say that it’s depressing that food available to undeserved communities is less healthy than food that’s served in prison.
Hey! A cucumber! See - spa-like!
But hey, all of us can be lazy cooks at home. You always expect something nicer when you step out.
3. Not murder!
They were also less likely to die of … suicide and murder than black men not in prison.
Some folks have said that things like unequal sentence for crack and cocaine violations, Three Strikes laws and long jail sentences for casual marijuana are just conspiracies. And I think they are conspiring….to help black dudes relax for once! It’s like they’re trying to throw a fun surprise party getaway!
How do you feel about day spas? Either the kind you elect to go to or the kind you’re forced to when you can’t afford decent legal counsel? Let us know in the comments!
Bachmann, along with other Republican politicos, signed a pledge written by activist group The Family Leader that said this:
“Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President.
The goal of The Family Group and it’s completely inoffensive pledge is ostensibly to push America back to a more family friendly environment by cracking down on abortion, getting rid of porn and by getting all nostalgic for the early days of this country.
Now, some people might say that instead of bringing various sides of an argument together, invoking the institution slavery in a discussion about anything other than actual slavery only serves to polarize anyone who might be reading that document or listening to someone talk about it.
Those people are lame and boring!
Especially because as Bachmann, et al, pointed out, slavery did some real good for black folks! I don’t know if they need another speech writer or document typer-upper. But here are eight other kickass things about slavery that we might want to work into some legal documents!
1. Fitness plans. According to some stats I hastily Googled, almost half of all black people are obese. This article says that in 42 states, more than a third of the black people there are obese. And in 15 states, that number goes up to 40%. I imagine that means that those black people are so fat that…they probably have a number of health problems and are uncomfortable in tiny seats or skinny jeans.
But back in slave days, blacks were super fit!! You can’t have a high body fat percentage when you’re doing hard labor all day. Not only did they get some cardio in when they were running from dogs and bullets and things, but they also got some fantastic strength training by carrying around full bushels of crops.
It was much the same in the good ol’ days. Slaves would come over with these hard to pronounce names and were promptly given new ones. They didn’t have to think about it or sift through dozens of baby name books to figure out if they were more a Madison or a Brighton or a Westley. Slave owners did the work for them! You came into the plantation an Mbutu and left a Marvin. Easy peasy!
That’s so not how it was when slavery was en vogue. You’d be hard pressed to find a black person out of work then. And sure, they didn’t get paid and had to work ridiculous hours, but you know how good an internship looks on a resume!
4. Travel Benefits. Trying to work overseas can be a nightmare! There’s Visas and sponsors to worry about. You have to figure out how to get your paychecks converted into the right currency for whatever bank you’re using. You can’t lose your passport.
But slaves got to work overseas and had someone else take care of all the particulars! All slaves had to do was mind their own business in Africa. Then, suddenly, they got a surprise trip to a whole new world with lodging already taken care of!
Ugh! It's as crowded as coach, am I right!
5. Easier Investment Portfolios. Have you looked at a paycheck recently? They’re so confusing! There’s the gross pay and allowances and all kinds of taxes. And don’t get me started on how complicated it can be to have a 401K! You have to figure out who your dependents are and how much of what stock you want to invest in. And if your company does matching funds, what’s the tipping point when you start taking out too much…it just goes on and on and on…
But slaves didn’t have to worry about all that. No pay meant no financial headache! No one likes doing their taxes and slaves got away with never having to.
6. Lots of Time Outdoors. How tiring is it, being cooped up in an office all day! Fluorescent lights and distant windows and office chairs that never seem to be adjusted quite right. It feels so good to just get away at the weekend. Go outside, take a hike or even just a walk around the neighborhood. Camping is a huge industry–people love it! And those lucky lucky slaves got to be outside all the time!! And they didn’t even have to wear sunscreen!
7. Low-Sugar Diet. We’ve already talked about the obesity rates among blacks, but diabetes is sky-high, too. Diabetes rates are twice as high among African-Americans than it is in whites. And they’re more likely to have to have limbs amputated. No. Thank. You.
It’s hard to over do it on the sugar when you’re eating scraps of meat and bread and so slaves totally had it good when it came to controlling carbs! It’s soooooo hard to say no to dessert. But slaves never got the chance to say yes! How easy would it be to be healthy without all that nasty temptation everywhere!
8. Gated Community Living. Today, neighborhoods where lots of black live are all scary like Compton or Oakland or The South. But as slaves, blacks got to live in super secure, fenced-in areas that would be totes out of their price range today. Jealous!
I mean, no, they didn't live in the big house, but they got to live behind the gate. Which is more than I'm doing, tell you that!
Hey, look at that — free time! Quite the concept this “free time” business. I should look into it more often.
I should also get caught up on my pop culture.
Movies are a great way to solidify your Oreo experience. The repeated images of certain types of people doing certain types of things really reminds us who we are and who we can…or probably cannot be.
So let’s see what’s opening this weekend!
Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Robots do battle in what is clearly an intricate and well-developed plot… Is it weird that I had a huge crush on StarScream when I was a kid?
Stuff White People Get to Do in This Movie – Be astronauts, threaten Shia LeBoeuf, lie to robots, wear Kevlar, replace Megan Fox while still keeping eyes wide and mouth always slightly ajar, para-glide, seriously–in every shot she’s in in the trailer, the girl’s mouth is open and she’s not speaking what is up with that?, be both able-bodied and sit in a wheelchair, save the day.
Stuff Not-White People Get to Do in This Movie – wear Kevlar and deliver bad news.
Is there a medical reason why her lips can't touch? Should we start a fund?
Larry Crowne – Julia Roberts, Tom Hanks and Magical Black People, oh my!
Stuff White People Get to Do in This Movie – enjoy a simple, but oddly fulfilling job, be employee of the month, hold the power position(s) at a large company, be a Dean/Principal figure, be adorably bumbling, dislike their challenging, but unfulfilling job, enjoy ice irresponsibly, utilize public transportation, ride scooters safely, change the tough chick’s heart despite her best attempts, demonstrate hilariously uncharacteristic sexual abandon, enjoy love with a hint of embarrassment.
Stuff Not-White People Get to Do in This Movie – marvel at the ability of the white guy to be employee of the month, deliver sassy advice to the white guy, help the white guy realize his fashion and romantic potential, be made an example of, be unnecessarily jealous.
They're so in love and they don't even know it!!
Monte Carlo – Wait, what? Movies can cast quasi-minorities in lead roles in films that have nothing to do with them dressing in drag?
I know, TP, I was confused and hurt, too.
And instead of magical black people, there are two magical white people? AND the main character with a Mexican Spanish last night is pretending to be a white princess?? I can only hope that one day my Oreoness takes me to a place where I can pretend to be a white princess. AND Catherine Tate is in this movie?!?!? Cue Oreo explosion in 3…2…1…
Granted, the feminist implications of this film are pretty terrible (“teehee, despite all my hard work and brains, i just want castles and jewels and pretty and boys and boys!”), but that’s for a whole different blog. I’m still thrilled about the CT cameo. I ain’t even bovvered to pay money for that!
I went to a screenwriting panel this week, composition notebook in hand, poignant questions at the ready, joke for Graham Yost rehearsed (it totally landed, btw!). I was sitting in a row by myself when I was approached by this RBP.
I know he was an RBP not just because he was black, but because when he introduced himself to me, the next thing he said was “Yo, how you learn to be so articulate like that. You talk so clear and proper. Where your from?”
The above quote is true. I wish to God I were kidding.
I wanted to say “well, I like to be heard and understood, so you know, it kind of comes with the territory.”
But instead I just smiled and laughed and tossed my head to the side the way you do when you want to politely move on from the subject at hand.
For some unholy reason, we exchanged business cards. He said he was a comedian working on a documentary and might need writers, so I gave in.
Then, the next day, I got this call: (translations are in parentheses)
Him: Hey, yo, it’s R— from last night.
TOE: Hi.
Him: What’s up?
TOE: I’m finishing up work, about to head out.
Him: That’s cool. So what’s going on?
TOE: Nothing much. (Didn’t I just answer this?)
Him: Okay, cool….
(beat)
TOE: So, you called?
Him: Yeah, I’ve got a show tonight. Wondered if you wanted to go to it?”
(Here’s where I think “Did we not establish last night that maybe Oreo and “why you talk so proper guy” might not be hang out buddies?” But instead, I decide to just re-emphasize my Oreoness and let him do the math.)
TOE: I can’t tonight. I’m going to a friend’s show.
Him: What kind of show?
TOE: (he’ll get it now!) It’s a Victorian Synthpunk bank with some Steampunk belly dancing.
The guys dress like this at these shows. I somehow doubt "you talk proper" guy has goggles. (Thank you Angelus-Knight for the photo!)
Him: Ohhhh
(Whew! Dodged that–)
Him: What about tomorrow night?
TOE: I’ve got a gin tasting.
(okay, surely now he’ll–)
Him: Saturday?
TOE: Swing dancing.
(are you effing kidd–)
Him: Sunday?
TOE: Renaissance Faire.
Him: Hmm. Okay. Well, maybe I’ll just send you these sketches and see what you think.
TOE: Sounds good!
It’s nice to see that following the rules and sounding Oreo distress calls does work, even if it takes more time than it should.
What about you? How do you politely (or impolitely) decline invitations? Let us know in the comments!
Also, while I’m glad people are still having the “why do you talk so white” conversation–because it’s pretty much the basis for two years of blogging–But seriously? We’re still having the “why do you talk so white” conversation? I mean c’mon, help me up my game! Talking white is like Oreo skill #1. Give me a challenge, people!
Another reason for my Oreo-ness is how people love to celebrate any ethnic holiday other than any ethnic holiday having anything to do with being black.
Hmm, are you really or are you just looking to get some without much effort?
As I indulged in my one whisky and ginger last night, I looked at all the not-Irish people wearing “Kiss me, I’m Irish” shirts. All those of Scandinavian, Mexican, Eastern European descent drinking away, spouting bursts of gaelic and loving the celebration. And I realized nothing like this ever happens on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
...or on Thurgood Marshall Thursdays.
Man, the Irish had it right. I mean, they were oppressed and do you see them demanding a whole month and bemoaning their past. At one point, the Irish were called the n-words of Europe. But do they march in the streets during the entire month of March, interrupt our regularly scheduled programming with awkward documentaries, find themselves insulted when restaurants serve specials on corned beef and cabbage, get bummed out when America reduces centuries of Irish history into a handful of stereotypes and excuse to make bad decisions or get mad when people put on green face? No. They embrace it.
And make emotionally complex, corkscrew like movies.
Maybe if the blacks would shrink Black History Month into one day full of liquor they might have a better sell.
And, no, by “liquor”, I don’t mean 40s. We could class it up a bit. Whisky gingers are good for all occasions.
Seriously, this thing doesn't offend people? It's like the pickaninny of Western Europe.
People often ask me why I try so hard to hide my blackness from the world. And I say, well, mainly because I’ve seen The Blind Side (and Precious Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire and Dangerous Minds and Freedom Writers, O, Hardball, Up the Down Staircase, Step Up, Bring it On, Step Up 2: The Streets, Finding Forrester, Precious-Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire, Fighting the Odds: The Marilyn Gambrell Story, Hancock, Wildcats, The Gridiron Gang, Friday Night Lights) and um, yeah…being black looks really scary and makes you way more likely to cut a bitch. And I don’t want to cut any bitches.
Being black also brings along with it a certain competitiveness. Blacks are always trying to outfill the judicial systems faster than
Get used to it, black people. Whether the ambulances are scurrying you away from the drive by or just double checking the doctor's work, apparently, you're going to be seeing a lot of them. Statistics say so!
non-colors, flee from PhD programs faster than non-colors and get hypertension way more!
After leaving the hospital for treatment of three common conditions, older black people are more likely to be readmitted within 30 days than older white people, a new study finds.
Black patients have 13 percent greater odds of readmission within 30 days after discharge, according to the study.
Boo! I don’t want to spend extra time in the hospital. I mean, the idea of a handsome, wealthy man in a nice coat touching my forehead softly and asking if everything is okay is just fine. But I can probably just hire that out, right?
Check back in for more things that blacks do better than whites! If you don’t, I might have to summon the color in me and cut a bitch. And like I said, I don’t want to have to do that.
Sometimes, my Oreo-ness is totally validated when someone says something to me that they totally wouldn’t say to a regular black
Wondering if what's on the tip of your tongue is odd or offensive? Say it anyway! It might just be a compliment in disguise.
person (You know, like the n-word!). When someone looks at me and says something…odd or potentially off-putting about race and then stare back at me with eyes wide open and blinking sweetly, it makes me feel like I’m doing my job at making those around me forget that my ethnicity of origin.
Today’s gem came to me last night at the gym. I was in the middle of a two-hour boxing workout (20 mins of running then 20 minutes of shadow boxing then 12 minutes of jumproping then 120 pushups then 20 minutes of mitt work then 20 minutes of abs then an hour and a half of recouperative sobbing). It was the jumprope section and the girl next to me kept catching her rope with her feet and whipping herself in the back with the rope.
After a few of these began to bring up tiny red marks on her back, she turned to me and said: “Man! Now I know how the slaves felt!! That must have sucked!”
It probably did suck, I thought. But not as much as you not being able to share that with me.
I have pilates tonight. Here’s hoping someone compares the resistance band to leg irons!
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This anecdote aside, it’s inevitable that awkward stuff just slips out sometimes! What’s a convo you’ve had that still makes you blush? Let us know in the comments!
We all know the basic concept of the Oreo – someone who’s black on the outside, but white on the inside. What you may not know is that there really are a lot of intricacies involved in becoming, being and living a fulfilling life as an Oreo. The bi-weekly feature, “Oreos A – Z” will help keep you up to date and on your best Oreo behaviour.
A is for Afro
A is for Afro Which an Oreo never wears because how would that look At this year’s Dickens Fair?!
The Afro is something NEVER to be sported by an Oreo.
If you are of color, an afro symbolizes that you are way too comfortable with your race and that you might be one of those people who also talks about how Cleopatra was really black, how Kwanzaa is legit and how it’s the disparity between the health and wealth of the races indicates that there might be some sort of systemic problem still alive and well in the good old US of A….or it says that you’re too poor to afford a relaxer!
Either way….Awkward!
If you’re white and sport an Afro, it symbolizes that you’re delightfully carefree and/or ironic. You probably drink expensive coffees and shop at stores meant to look like thrift store. How fun!
Suitable hair styles for Oreos include: the simple relaxer, a pixie cut or covered with a bonnet as you are probably on your way to an historic festival, Steampunk convention or Europe in the winter.
They're not okay with the n-word, but are okay with kids running away, stealing stuff and smoking. Got it!
You remember Huck Finn, right? The book about a boy and his slave friend who run away and learn about each other. Oh yeah, and they say the n-word a bunch. You know, because it was set in the American South, pre-Civil War and that’s kinda what people did.
But a new edition of the book is coming out and the publishers of the book will replace the ethnic slur with the word “slave.” You know, to make the book less offensive. Because owning slaves is totally okay as long as you call them nice names…or something like that. It’s hard to be clear on exactly what the publisher’s goal is, but they say it’s not about PC-tastic censorship.
The effort is spearheaded by Twain expert Alan Gribben, who says his PC-ified version is not an attempt to neuter the classic but rather to update it. “Race matters in these books,” Gribben told [Publisher’s Weekly]. “It’s a matter of how you express that in the 21st century.”
Now, I get it, the word makes some people uncomfy**.
Not her, though.
But that doesn’t mean we should just strike it from the record completely.
Here are four reasons I think Huck Finn should stay just the way it is.
1. More Oreos! A selfish reason for sure, but nothing made me want to escape my skin quite like sitting in a classroom with my peers reading these books aloud. Sure, I hated the stares I got when someone mentioned Twain, or anything to do with Civil Rights, Martin Luther King or firehoses, but it put me on a path toward just the right amount of self loathing to take up some hobbies more interesting than gospel singing or dominoes.
2. Equal Opportunity Offense. There’s something in pretty much every book that’s going to offend most anybody. Should we take out references to sex or the church in The Scarlett Letter lest we offend people who pray or put out (or, like myself…both. :)? Should we take out half the words in anything written by Dickens because it’s just so g*dammed long and that is offensive in and of itself? Should we stop the production of Tyler Perry movies because they’re just offensive to everyone? Nah. A little thicker skin is good for everyone.
3. Keep the word somewhat safe. If we remove the n-word from classic works of literature, the only people dealing with it are plucky talk show hosts like Dr. Laura and the hip hop and rap industry. I don’t know about you, but I totally trust one of the greatest American writers of all time over the the guy who wrote the song “Bitches Aint Shit.”
4. And seriously…yes, the n-word is pretty damn offensive. But if we lose sight of how offensive it is and the damage that it caused and causes, then we run the risk of perpetuating those offenses and creating them anew.
5. Too Much Change! If we start changing the words in Huck Finn, then it’s only a matter of time before someone changes the libretto to Big River, the Broadway musical written about that story. And I already have the current version commited to memory. Not ready to re-learn all that music! Seriously, listen to these harmonies. That’s a lot of work!
The Oreo Experience 