Oreo Advice

Saving Face When You’re Face to Face

Remember: When in doubt, don't go out!

Sometimes, even when an Oreo takes the best of precautions, she or he may find themselves at an event in close proximity of another person of color.  Such was the case last Friday.

I went to see a friend’s improv show.  Black folks generally do not congregate at independent 30-seat theaters to watch silly make-em-ups, so I thought I was safe.

Until I saw the doorman. Black guy.

Le sigh.

He was nice enough, we had a pleasant conversation and I went in to watch my show.

Afterwards, the theater owner approached me and said that he saw me talking to the guy at the door.

“You two’d make a cute couple,” he said. “Too bad he doesn’t date black girls.”

My face lit up!

“Ha! And I don’t date black guys!”

My new Oreo friend overheard me and we had a great conversation about traditional Italian cuisine, Vespas and lucid dreaming.

And it reminded me that yeah, sometimes as an Oreo, you’re gonna end up in conversation in public with someone who looks like they could be related to you. People will assume this is the case or they will assume that you’re more interested in each other than in the freckled, ruddy headed kids next to you. So you must take precautions; and through your manners and conversation remind those around you that you are not RBP, but in fact, Oreos.

How? Easy!

1. Stand outside. If one of you is a woman, definitely take your conversation outside if you can. This will allow the wind to blow through your freshly relaxed hair. Natural styles and dreads do not billow in the wind. Showing off your chemically treated locks will show that you are not an RBP.

2. Strategically drop a business card. When the passerby who picks it up sees a title like “Executive Chef,” “Lead Architect,” or “Cranio-Maxillofacial Surgeon,” she or he can relax, knowing that they are in the presence of well-marketed Oreos.

3. Sing a little. First of all, everyone loves musicals, even if they say they don’t. So whether you break out some of Sondheim’s Company or Abba’s Mamma Mia, your non-soulful ditty will have everyone joining in and understanding who you really are!

For more on watching your back in public, see how to Go Solo; Why even a non-color can pose a threat; and why it’s important for other Oreos to follow the rules.

Make Patrick proud…or he’ll hack to you bits on a sheet of plastic. The upside? You’ll be listening to Huey Lewis–so sing along and maybe he’ll spare ya.

Going Solo

Just because they put it on doesn't mean you have to move to it.

As we have discussed, it is important to be the only person of color in the room at any given time or event. Having more than one of us around can lead to all sorts of miscommunication, embarrassing run-ins and tempt either of you to discuss common race-related issues that might trigger a long latent desire to read some Nikki Giovanni.

But sometimes a room is crowded, dark or split-level. So how do you both determine if there are any of colors in the vicinity and relax enough to proudly show off the pictures from Inverness on your iPhone?

Instead of prowling from corner to corner paper bag testing everyone you come into contact with, just look for a few key things to see if you are safe.

  • 1. Other guests never seem to quite finish the sentences: “So…you’re here with…..” or “You must be here to see…….” or “You must know Carol from……..”
  • 2. You are at the Viper Room.
  • 3. The DJ suddenly changes the music from relatively ambient Slowdive and Neutral Milk Hotel and includes a random cameo like Baby Got Back. Then a dance circle forms around you. Don’t panic, after they see your first perfectly precise box step, they’ll get the idea.
  • 4. People ask you oddly practical questions out of the blue like “Excuse me, do you know where the bathroom is?” “What time does are you closing tonight?” and “Can I give you my coat?”
  • 5. You cannot quite find the words to describe your complete and utter sense of relaxation.

Necessary Risk – LeBron

It goes without saying that as an Oreo, I distance myself as far as possible from anything remotely of color.

I do feel guilty about my growing crush on Isaiah Mustafa, the Old Spice guy. I mean, first of all, he is black, so that’s strike one. Two, he was a football player–sooooo ethnic! And three, his name is like super ethnic. You’ve got “Isaiah” which just screams southern Baptist. And “Mustafa” is straight out of the Africa-based Lion King. *sigh*

I’m seeing someone about the IM issue.

But, sometimes, in order to exist in polite company, an Oreo has to dabble in things ethnic. Usually, you get Oreo points for not knowing anything about anything Kanye West has ever said or not being sure that a sporting event has taken place…unless it’s the All Whites playing.

However, sometimes, an event is so dumb big that you have to say at least something on the topic or you look less Oreo and more way too out of touch. So, thank you LeBron for forcing me to deal with the double ethnic blow of you and basketball.

I mean, look at him. He probably plays basketball, too, right?

Oooh! Do I get some of my points back for thinking that whenever someone said “Dwyane Wade” I didn’t know they were talking about one leg of a power triangle and instead thought they were mispronouncing Dwyane Wayne from A Different World? Sure, it was an ethnic show, but it proves that I’m clearly not up on ethnic culture today.

Oh, and here’s LeBron.

And Isaiah…call me.

(Video is mildly NSFW for language…and also NSFO for ethnicity)

What do you think of King James? His move? A Different World?

New Oreo Rule: Enjoy April Fools Day b/c Normally Black People Don’t??

Do not try to make this guy laugh--by ruining his $73,000 car. He will not laugh. At all.

This guy says black people don’t like pranks.

Unfortunately, African-American’s — particularly black men — don’t take too well to pranks or April Fool’s Jokes. Sad but true.

He also uses apostrophes incorrectly, but that’s a different issue.

For evidence, he cites Punk’d and basketballer Kenyon Martin’s negative reaction to having his Range Rover filled with buttered popcorn.

I can understand Kenyon’s anger. If you’re going to fill up a luxury vehicle with a food that will severely damage its interior, does it have to be something so carby?

Full story is here.

Don’t forget other Oreo rules like how to bring sexyback to the plantation.  How to write about regular black people. And what to do when you find yourself face to face with another well studied Oreo.

Hipster Jeans Can Save Your Life

RBP - as seen in NYC

Guys: More evidence that being an Oreo is not only socially expedient, but healthy as well!

You know how RBP guys like to wear their jeans all baggy and low? Well, doing that can kill!

Clyde Haberman wrote about the lack of safety in saggy slacks in his New York Times column. Haberman says:

Hector Quinones didn’t amount to much in life, but he managed in death to make a powerful fashion statement. The statement boiled down to this: Don’t be a jerk like me.

Not nearly enough people seem to be taking his lesson to heart.

Back in December, Mr. Quinones killed three men in an apartment on the Upper West Side, a bloodbath described by the police as drug-related. Mr. Quinones was intent on shooting more people, they said, only he was forced to flee. He ran to the fire escape. But the low-slung pants he was wearing fell down, the police said. He tripped over them, took a tumble and landed with a thud in the building’s backyard.

There you had it: death by trousers.

So gents, head on over to your neighborhood Urban Outfitters or Hot Topic and pick up a pair toute de suite! Don’t worry about that numb/tingling feeling in your nether regions when you shoehorn yourself in to the right pair. That just means they’re working!

All the Single Ladies…are Oreos apparently

So I’ve been catching up on my DVRed shows since I’ve been back and my interested was definitely piqued by this presentation from Nightline.

“Why Can’t a Successful Black Woman Find a Man?”

The conclusion they came to was that RBP males are just kind of okay people and that of color women should lower their expectations and snag themselves a middle of the road mate. The men on the show described black women as “delusional” for wanting men who were, as panelist Sherri Shepard suggested, “ambitious” and who had “a sense of humor.” Men also described women as conniving and petty and said that women should use sex appeal and not reason, logic or passion if they want their men to listen to them.

I, of course, was horrified at this.

They were ignoring the much simpler answer: These ladies should go full Oreo and date white!

They’re obviously headed in the Oreo direction anyway what with their college degrees, bulging bank accounts and not-AIDS. So why not dive the way in??

So many benefits to dating white.

  • First of all, if you’re an of color woman and you date an of color dude…how typical can you be? Why not instead, enjoy the pleasantly surprised smiles when you introduce your new beau to your buddies by planting a kiss on the face of a handsome white stranger at happy hour? Folks just won’t see it coming and you become a great conversation piece.
  • Two revolves around two words: Good and hair. If you reproduce, think of the money you’ll save on expensive relaxers when your half-white kid has loose locks that respond to your average comb.
  • Three: Upward mobility. When you and your non colored partner go to buy that condo or purchase your box seats at the Pantages, think how excited people will be to have a nifty interracial couple sitting next to them. Have two black folks show up with a real estate agent in a neighborhood toying with gentrification and you’re likely to get some uncomfy looks and stares. Spare yourself the awkward welcome to the neighborhood bbq, have a tapas tasting instead and watch your new neighbors grin!

Now, back to the panel itself. Way to go Nightline for choosing the right commentators and solidifying some really important societal tropes. I mean, who better to host a discussion about something as personal as marriage and who ends up with whom and why than comedian Steve Harvey!

Also Nightline, way to remind us that there is in fact a terrifying social problem if women do not get married. This conversation wasn’t centered around people choosing to forgo relationships, it was about women not being able to marry. How dare they.

Like other discussions in the genre, the Nightline special began with the Disney-inspired assumption that marriage is an appropriate and universal goal for women. Any failure to achieve marriage must therefore be pathological. With this starting assumption panelists were encouraged to offer solutions without needing to fully articulate why low marriage rates are troubling.

Writer Melissa Harris-Lacewell outlined the event and shows us how RBP women are really making things difficult for the county and themselves:

In the 1960s, the Moynihan Report blamed black women heads of household for social deterioration in black communities. In the 1980s single black mothers were vilified as welfare cheats responsible for the nation’s economic decline. In the 1990s black women were blamed for birthing a generation of “crack babies” that were predicted to burden the nation’s health and educational systems. The Nightline conversation was suspiciously reminiscent of this prior reasoning. As the nation copes with its anxieties about a black president, a shifting economy and a new global position, black women suddenly reemerge as a problem to be solved.

All this could be solved, ladies if you’d just embrace the Oreo lifestyle. Which yes, includes things like enjoying schooling and employment, but also things like dating the right guys. And by right, we mean, white. Because they’re out there. They can get you into the right clubs. And according to these panelists, RBP men do not want to step up to the plate.

The solution offered most frequently in Wednesday’s conversation was familiar: professional black women need to scale back expectations.

But questionable casting or not, thanks, Nightline for adding to my self loathing. Not only am I an of color woman–the most undesirable of the women according to statistics and you; but I am also but I am an unmarried of color woman-proving your point that we’re hard to place to be correct. Yikes. I’m sorry, me. So very sorry.

Cop Claims “A Black Guy Shot Me”; Makes Case for Better Hair

We’ve talked here before about how important it is to wash, rinse and repeat the ethnicity out of one’s hair with a relaxer. But

Relaxed hair is not just easier to go into the pool with; it's your safety net!

now, thanks to a friend in Philly, we can see why in shocking detail.

The short story is, this cop was ticked off about his new beat. So, instead of filing a complaint or updating his resume on Monster, he did was made the most logical sense…he shot himself in the shoulder, then told his buddies that a black guy did it.

A cop had been shot; a manhunt was on. The block was cordoned off with yellow tape. Cops and SWAT teams fanned the streets. K-9 units scoured through brush. Some businesses were forced to close for five hours.

“The cops were questioning everybody,” Potts, 57, recalled.

Sgt. Robert Ralston, a 21-year veteran and father of five, said he’d been shot on patrol by a black man with “cornrows” and a “mark or tattoo under his left eye.”

Yesterday, the Overbrook neighbors were outraged to learn that it was all a lie.

This is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Don’t like what you just did? Tell friends and neighbors that some black dude was responsible and soon the police tape goes up, few questions asked and you can get off pretty much scott free. Soon, your conscience will catch up to you and/or the lack of evidence will become clear, but not before you’ve enjoyed a few more minutes of freedom.

What makes this case a perfect reminder for proper hair care is that the cop told his friends that a guy with cornrows was his attacker. Cornrows are an obvious ethnic style worn by both men and women. And so, innocents with tightly braided hair were being stopped and questioned. But, any Oreos on the scene would have been left alone. With long, flowing locks of hair flapping in the breeze, from a distance, with a turtleneck and long sleeves on, Oreos might actually just look like curvy brunettes.

So keep that salve simmering on your scalp, kiddies. It will make the ride home much, much easier.

Oh, and for creating the stir that lost businesses money, kept people from their homes and scared the shit out of some innocents, you’ll be happy to know that Sgt. Ralston will not be criminally charged.

For more examples of how you can blame RBP for things you did…check out this list, courtesy of NewsOne.

Oreo Advice – Turn Slave Labor into a Sexy Pasttime

Picking cotton was a tedious and painful job endured by millions of slaves in the US for profit they never got to see.

What better then to say that you enjoy as an Oreo! Few things will throw people off your ethnic scent like appreciating a task that scarred the hands and lives of your ancestors!

Thanks, then to Cotton USA for making that conversation piece more possible.

(And thanks to friends at Sociological Images for the tip and link!)

A good romp through a prickly, spiky cotton field with basket in hand has the potential to remind an of color of a terrible institution and possibly illicit a sense of allegiance to one’s race.

But not for a well-trained Oreo. Instead, that same romp will bring feelings of relaxation and ease as you help make others more comfortable with a country’s sketchy past.

Bonus points if you include in your discussion that with the advent of technology like the cotton gin, picking and separating cotton wasn’t all that difficult in the end.

Who doesn't like to work outdoors?

Want more Oreo Advice? Check out: More Good Oreo Conversation Starters, Great Moments in Advertising, and When Being Black Can Actually Help You Out

The Benefits of Blending in: You Get to Have Kids!

Gays: In case you were thinking that the dismantling of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was a good idea in that will allow more people to feel free to express themselves without fear of reproach in their chosen career, think about the consequences! If you all of a sudden suggest that people should stop repressing themselves just for the comfort of those around them, be ready to be ridiculed. If you aren’t holding it in with all of your might…you know what you might turn into.

Consider this: The Florida Family Planning Council, a conservative Christian group in Jeb’s state, recently released a newsletter to its followers featuring this picture.

Lesbians, per the FFPC

The picture was printed with a story about an evil judge who ripped some poor, defenseless orphan out of the potentially endless and often dangerous cycle of foster care and handed it over to lesbians to be loved and raised in a stable and nurturing environment. The caption in the newsletter identified one of the people pictured as one of the new moms and sent ripples of fear through the folks who read the newsletter.

After all, how dare a judge put a child in a home with ladies who are not only gay, but, you know, really really gay.

Turns out, however, that this is a picture of the actual couple:

Actual lesbians. Actually.

The FFPC asserted that they accidentally ran the wrong photo and issued a quasi-pology in the comments section of a Florida reporter’s column.

The FFPC is an organization that successfully lobbies local governments for changes to laws. This is a group made up of educated, professional people including many lawyers and doctors. They write articles, they draft letters, they blog and design web pages. They have been around for eight years. They know a whole lot about the life cycle of a fetus and have memorized tomes of religious text. Per all the photos on their website, they know how to exclude people of color from an organization in a state with a minority population of almost 40 percent– 6 percentage points higher than the rest of the country.  They know the ins and outs of the judicial system and can organize a great big gathering in a pinch. So, really, they don’t have the know-how to check a photo for accuracy?

Of course they do! Which makes the fact that they chose not to even more genius! They knew that lesbians who looked like “lesbians” were way scarier than you know….lesbians. Especially when you consider that the President of the organization said that none of his readers complained about the printing error.

So, ladies, don’t run the risk of that bob being too short.  Comfort the rest of the world by growing that hair out and buying shirts that minimize those shoulders. We can go get your highlights while I touch up my relaxer!