Best Christmas Prezzie Evah!

Fair warning: Some gross bodily function stuff ahead. But it’s led to the happiest news this Oreo has gotten in ages.

Like any good American woman, I spend a decent amount of time naked in front of a mirror, making a list of all the things that are wrong. And, like any good American, I also spend a lot of time doing exactly zero to change said wrongs and wake up every morning shocked that said wrongs are still in play.

But about a year ago, things started to get different. They started to get wrong. Not just “Like-any-good-American-woman-I’m-subjected-to-impossible-versions-of-photshopped-beauty-every-day” wrong. But more like: “Ummm-Why-do-I-look-5-months-pregnant?-No-seriously.-I’m-not-being-hyper-sensitive,-my-belly-is-effing-distended-slightly-beyond-capacity-and-it-hurts-like-a-mother” wrong.

Holy God, I don't know what's inside me doing this, but I can think of about a billion things I don't want it to be.

Holy God, I don’t know what’s inside me doing this, but I can think of about a billion things I don’t want it to be.

Like any good American, I waited about 10-18 months to go to the doctor about this painful thing.

When one day I was in too much pain to stand upright at work, I rolled my bloated self to a professional and asked him what the fuck.

He poked and prodded and listened and squeezed and said he was going to do some blood tests.

He summoned the nurse who was going to be tasked with peeling my ass off the ceiling while she tried to put a needle in me and started to walk out of the room. But then he turned and said:

“What’s your background? What’s your ethnicity?”

“Um,” I said and died a little. “I’m… black.”

“Hmmm. Both your parents?”

Why was this guy such as asshole? Making me cop to crimes I have tried so hard to erase??

“Yup. Both of them.Why?”

“Well, there’s a test I could run. But it only affects people of Scandinavian ancestry.”

An unexpected ray of hope!

“Funny you say that. May dad actually has some condition that I’ve heard usually only affects Scandinavians.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I don’t remember what he has, but I’ve had this conversation before.”

“Okay, let’s run it!!!”

While I was perturbed that he was so excited that he could draw additional blood from my precious precious veins, I was glad that I got to pretend that for one moment, I was Northern European.

A week later and I get this message:

“Hi Aydrea. I need to talk to you about your test results.”

Okay, doctors. Never say this shit. Just leave a vm that says that the mole is definitely cancer or the sneeze means I totes have AIDS or whatever! Screw HIPA. Just tell me what the fuck is up.

I go back to the office expecting terrible news. But instead, I get the best news of all.

“I’m so glad I ran that test!” he said. “You have a wheat allergy that we usually only see in people of Scandinavian descent.”

He then went on to say what was possibly some useful shit about what I should and should not be eating and how I should take care of myself and how to avoid the blinding belly pain I feel every single day. But I couldn’t concentrate. Because I. Am. Officially and medically: WHITE ON THE INSIDE!!

Holy God, it worked! All I have inside me is white, white goodness! (and not in a sexy way, you pervies!)

Holy God, it worked! All I have inside me is white goodness!
(and not in a sexy way, you pervies!)

Mission. Accomplished!

 

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16 comments

  1. This would make a great story in a book about a black girl who is trying to pass as white but at the same time does not want to act as white to where she is perceived as trying to pass herself off as white…

    1. Hi Lisa! Yes yes and yes! Can’t wait to get your book. I’m so happy you decided to puilbsh it.. I’m one of those people where with movies and books, if they don’t grab me in the first 10 minutes I’m dont with you.. The story you put here on your website grabbed me right away and I wanted to read more so, I can’t wait till it’s finished and puilbshed! Wishing you, Gino and the entire family a very blessed and joyful Thanksgiving.

  2. I knew you looked like someone I know. Go to http://www.youtube.com and type in Gunhild Carling. Although she is as white as a ghost, you do favor in a way. She is from a musical family and is one of the best trombone and trumpet players that I’ve ever heard. Who knows, maybe yall are kin.
    I would marry Gunhild’s dog just so that I could be kin to her in some way.

  3. wheat allergy..?! AS IF gurlfriend—i THINK you mean gluten sensitivity
    and btw, until you actually post a bone fides video on YouTube of yourself, arm in arm, with your (non-gay) white boyfriend, i, as well as multiple others, will continue to surmise…you’re full of shiet, er i meant schtik (same difference)…

  4. I know at one time there was an Oreo connection with barbie in which they did find out after the campaign its connotation. Still, if that is the legendary doll it is the first time I have ever seen a picture of it. Long live the oreos! I was wondering if Urkiel would be considered an Oreo because it is the second most common compliment I got in High School. Oreo being the top one of course in when people called out I’d feel obliged to sing the song. Looking back I rarely miss those days of fandom, now I can thankfully go out of the house unnoticed or at least uncommented on. I don’t know how the celebrities do it.

  5. See what happend when you idolize white folks? Glutten allergies… Which is weired because your reluctance to see a doctor is seriously a Black thing.

  6. Aydrea, your sense of humor is amazing. I have been lurking on your blog for over a year and just subscribed. You knew when you started this blog that you would get a lot of hate mail, but you have not changed your style and every time I come here I laugh. The whole gay guy piece was the funniest yet. Married to an Asian girl and she calls herself a banana, if I hear sound of music or my fair lady one more time that DVD is going out the window. Take care and keep smiling.

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