How to Sleep Better at Night

Last week, when it was approximately Day #871,433 of waking up with a crazy stiff neck and tight back screaming at me, I figured it was time to do stop relying on bedding from Marshalls and handle my back and body pain like an adult. So I did.

If you’re having neck or back pain, I suggest you follow these easy steps.

1. Ignore symptoms as long as possible. You have other things do with your time besides go to the doctor. There’s that pile of clothes you’re going to keep thinking about putting away. That book you’re contemplating reading. And that Law and Order: SVU marathon is not going to watch itself.

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2. Rule out problematic treatment options. Look, you could “go to the doctor” or “work with an occupational therapist to figure out what daily habits have ruined your spine” or “kick your cats out of bed or at the very least don’t be afraid of moving them so you’re not sleeping in a cursive m shape” or  “try to calm the eff down for one minute and stop letting the needless anxiety twist you into knots and win.”

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But those things take time. You don’t have time (see Step #1). You need results. Preferably that you can walk to. That you don’t have to deal with an overburdened medical office staff for.

3. Walk to the conveniently located Relax the Back store. It’s a nice day outside, enjoy it.

4. Awkwardly test pillows while a salesperson stares at you pretending to sleep. Heads up that you don’t need to tell them that to accurately recreate your sleeping conditions, you’ll need to remove all your clothes and add one glass of wine (okay, maybe 2), but you do need to be okay laying on a bed while someone looks at you with a mixture of curiosity and skepticism. It’s kind of like going to the doctor. Or on a second date.

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5. Balk at the prices of this pillow that you love and makes you feel like a dream. But fuck it. You’re already here. What are you going to do? Try another store? Go back to Mervyn’s? That’s all the way across town. You’ll spend a bunch of money on gas getting there, so even if the pillows there are cheap, you’ll have spent the same amount of cash anyway. What? You drive a Leaf. Whatever. Just take the damn pillows and go have lunch.

6. Toss the new pillows on your bed. Don’t worry about getting ride of the old one. Just leave them there. If they’re thin and crappy enough, it’ll be like they’re not there anyway. If the old pillows are big and fluffy enough, then you’ll look like you live in a Crate and Barrel catalog.

7. Curl up on your Lovely and let the cats sleep on the new pillows while falling asleep in your usual fashion. Sure, this won’t exactly cure your back problems but you can rest easier knowing that you tried. And at least the cats aren’t at your feet anymore.

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How do you sleep at night? Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo Oreo:
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3 comments

  1. Hmmm yes I would like to say that the man who made the lady’s eyes roll and do a head nod will sipping her coffee will not be getting any of the delicious love this evening….

    Thank you and good day

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