funny race blogs

How to Sleep Better at Night

Last week, when it was approximately Day #871,433 of waking up with a crazy stiff neck and tight back screaming at me, I figured it was time to do stop relying on bedding from Marshalls and handle my back and body pain like an adult. So I did.

If you’re having neck or back pain, I suggest you follow these easy steps.

1. Ignore symptoms as long as possible. You have other things do with your time besides go to the doctor. There’s that pile of clothes you’re going to keep thinking about putting away. That book you’re contemplating reading. And that Law and Order: SVU marathon is not going to watch itself.

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2. Rule out problematic treatment options. Look, you could “go to the doctor” or “work with an occupational therapist to figure out what daily habits have ruined your spine” or “kick your cats out of bed or at the very least don’t be afraid of moving them so you’re not sleeping in a cursive m shape” or  “try to calm the eff down for one minute and stop letting the needless anxiety twist you into knots and win.”

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But those things take time. You don’t have time (see Step #1). You need results. Preferably that you can walk to. That you don’t have to deal with an overburdened medical office staff for.

3. Walk to the conveniently located Relax the Back store. It’s a nice day outside, enjoy it.

4. Awkwardly test pillows while a salesperson stares at you pretending to sleep. Heads up that you don’t need to tell them that to accurately recreate your sleeping conditions, you’ll need to remove all your clothes and add one glass of wine (okay, maybe 2), but you do need to be okay laying on a bed while someone looks at you with a mixture of curiosity and skepticism. It’s kind of like going to the doctor. Or on a second date.

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5. Balk at the prices of this pillow that you love and makes you feel like a dream. But fuck it. You’re already here. What are you going to do? Try another store? Go back to Mervyn’s? That’s all the way across town. You’ll spend a bunch of money on gas getting there, so even if the pillows there are cheap, you’ll have spent the same amount of cash anyway. What? You drive a Leaf. Whatever. Just take the damn pillows and go have lunch.

6. Toss the new pillows on your bed. Don’t worry about getting ride of the old one. Just leave them there. If they’re thin and crappy enough, it’ll be like they’re not there anyway. If the old pillows are big and fluffy enough, then you’ll look like you live in a Crate and Barrel catalog.

7. Curl up on your Lovely and let the cats sleep on the new pillows while falling asleep in your usual fashion. Sure, this won’t exactly cure your back problems but you can rest easier knowing that you tried. And at least the cats aren’t at your feet anymore.

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How do you sleep at night? Let us know in the comments!

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For Mor-eo Oreo:

Fried Chicken Fail #343 – Popeye’s

We all know there are things that an Oreo is just not allowed to eat: watermelon, okra, certain flavors of froyo, yogurt more than 10 days past the expiration date and of course, fried chicken.

That’s why this new Popeye’s commercial was so upsetting. I know I’m not supposed to eat fried chicken, I know I should probably never look a Popeye’s franchise in the face. But this thing they’re selling is called chicken and there’s no way it can be.

what the holy eff?

I think you can still hear it screaming.

So can I eat it or not?!

What say someone accidentally brings this thing to an event. Let’s pretend that I’m starving at the corner of Hollywood and Wilcox and can’t possibly get across the street and this is all that’s available? Mayhaps one day I go on Fear Factor and have to eat one of these for a million dollars. Can I indulge?

Nothing about a chicken happens the way it appears in the Rip’n Chick’n basket. No parts of a pollo comes in a 6-pronged piece. Zero locations on a bird’s body look like this venus fly trap of a deep fried disaster.

The only things in nature that look like this fried are human hands, tarantulas and the boning of a Chinese hand fan. None of which are off menu for an Oreo. But just think how embarrassing it would be to bite into what you think is a perfectly harmless drawn and quartered Medusa head only to find out that you’re doing something worse than potentially being turned into stone: acting like an RBP and enjoying some down home L’siana cookin’.  UghBarf.

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