Dear Diary,

I’m so totes jeals of Detroit sellouts! Apparently, protestors in that city sent bags of Oreo Cookies to city officials after said officials allowed for the appointment of Kevyn Orr as the City’s Emergency Manager.

(source)

Said Minister Malik Shabazz, the local chairman of the New Black Panther Party and the leader of these protests:

“There’s nothing wrong with being born white,” Shabazz told me. “But if you’re black, why are you acting white on the inside?”

Um…why act white? So. Many. Reasons.

Also, sure, Kevyn Orr went to a nice school and made $700 an hour being a bankruptcy lawyer, but he can’t be that white, he spells his name with a “y” where there shouldn’t be one. I’ve been out Oreoing that guy for years now and the best protest I’ve ever gotten was rape threats.

What’s an Oreo got to do to get an Oreo or two?

Shabazz says that more protests are planned and that officials can expect to receive more threatening symbols of upset including, but not limited to: milk for their cookies, marble cheesecake, a jammy Pinot noir with a bright nose and delicate finish, gift certificates for free tailoring of formal wear, and pleasant conversation with friends.

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