So it’s been almost two weeks since my last post. This is due in part to the fact that a pile of freelance (yay!) has fallen into my lap and is happily nibbling away at my writing time.
It’s also due in part to the fact that this has been the conversation between myself and my inner writer self over the last coupla weeks:
TheOreoExperience: Wow! This Kony video is nuts! It’s got White People to the Rescue written all over it! It would totally make a good Trailer Trashing post.
InnerWriterSelf: You’re right. Way to be on top of things. I can’t wait to see what we come up with!
TOE: Just let me finish this work. I’m sure I’ll get that post out by the end of the week
IWS: You’re amazing. I’m so glad we’re working together.
A FEW DAYS LATER
TOE: Holy crap, that dude just had a nervous breakdown!
IWS: Wellllll…. true. But you make fun of people all the time. And the Kony 2012 video is still weird.
TOE: Yeah, but dude is messed up. Even if I did have a post up, I’d probably want to take it down. Poor thing.
IWS: Actually…yeah…
TOE: I mean, child soldiers are pretty much 100% a bad thing…even if the guy bringing them to our attention is oddly narcissistic…he meant well.
IWS: Don’t worry, we’ll find something else to write about!
TOE: Is it weird that I talk to myself this way?
IWS: Of course not!
TOE: Woah! I can’t believe that woman said that to me after class. Ugh! I just want to come in here, Zumba a bit and leave without someone saying something like “So jealous of you sisters! You’ve got such great hips!”
IWS: Doesn’t she know how long it took us to be okay with those hips?!?
Whether they're on the mantle or your body, you come to appreciate hourglasses much more after high school. (source)
TOE: Ugh. She has no idea. I’m exhausted tonight, though, and have like 3 scripts to get through. I’ll bang that post out in a few days.
IWS: Haha. You said “bang.”
TOE: Haha! Oh, get this…I totally made my coworker blush. He asked me if I had any food at my desk…
IWS: And you said “no, but I do have something you can eat!”
TOE: You know me so well!
A FEW DAYS LATER
IWS: Did you see this Trayvon Martin story?!?!
TOE: I can’t even think about it!!
IWS: C’mon, you HAVE to write about this. I mean, this is like your whole thing.
TOE: I can’t even read a story about it without bursting into tears. And I’m pretty sure there’s nothing funny about it.
TOE: The Daily Show also has a staff of like two-dozen writers who out-earn me by a factor of probably 20!
IWS: Are we fighting right now?
TOE: No, it’s fine. Everything’s fine.
IWS: I don’t believe you. You seem upset.
TOE: I just feel like sometimes you aren’t hearing what I’m saying. I DO want to write about this story, but it’s fucking sad as balls.
IWS: Haha, you said–
TOE: Not the time.
IWS: You’re right.
TOE: Let’s just move on. What are you doing this weekend?
IWS: I dunno. Wanna check out Hunger games?
Kinda worried that there are going to be way too many Mockingjay tattoos showing up in the next few years. (source)
TOE: You know what, I still have a ton of work to get through, maybe next week?
IWS: I liked the book!
TOE: Me, too! Kinda bummed that even with so much going on in the book and such a great story, they still felt the need to inject some semblance of a love story into the end.
IWS: Yeah, I hear that. So…we’re cool?
TOE: Yeah, totally. Talk tomorrow.
IWS: Wake up! Wake up! Did you see this?? Racist Hunger Games tweets, we HAVE to get on that!
IWS: I’m a disembodied manifestation of your sense of self, of course I don’t sleep.
TOE: Fair enough. Oh geez! These tweets are nuts! And what the eff? Rue is totally described as being black in the book. Did they just miss that?
IWS: Dude! Why are you not writing like crazy right now?
TOE: I don’t even know what to say!
IWS: C’mooooooon! Do it!!
TOE: Wait, let me get this straight… You want me to make an hilarious observation about how teens can’t read and how they don’t seem to know how the Internet works and that we’ve lost the basic sense of etiquette that we’re taught when we’re kids to not say horrible mean things out loud…and maybe draw an equally knee-slapping parallel between the fact that people didn’t like Rue because she was black and the fact that a good chunk of the country is totally unsympathetic to the needless death of an unarmed kid? That’s what you want me to pull out of my ass right now?? I’m a writer, not a magician!
IWS: It was just a suggestion.
TOE: Oooh, there might be something in this Geraldo non-pology, though. Yeah, between that and the Belvedere ad and Lee Arohnson… I think I might have something.
IWS: I knew you could do it.
TOE: Also, I’m kinda getting tired of the “let me tell annoying politicians about my vagina” meme. Does that make me a bad feminist?
IWS: That’s a whole other part of your subconscious you’ve got to deal with for that one.
TOE’sInnerFeminist: Did someone call?
TOE: Coffee first, then self-analysis.
TOEIF: That’s fair. Btw… I have a story that would make a GREAT screenplay! Can I tell you about it??
IWS: Yikes!… Um… coffee first.
******
Talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy, right? Right?? I blame the habit on the fact that I was an only child.
Fingers crossed, I’ll get to this Geraldo/Belvedere/2.5 Men thing this week
What internal struggles do you find yourself chatting with you about on the regular? Let us know in the comments.
All transcriptions of WhitePal conversations accurately reflect actual conversations between me and people who do their best to tolerate having to explain things to me.
INT. OFFICE – THE OREO EXPERIENCE’S DESK – DAY
WHITEPAL, 20s, giggles as she finishes a conversation with TOE.
TOE: Awww, he sounds fun!
WP: Yeah, he’s a cool guy.
TOE: And he’s a real basketball player? Like he’s famous?
WP: Yeah, people know who he is.
TOE: Cool! When are you seeing him again?
WP: He asked if he could see me after the game tonight. I told him I would, but only if he got a Triple Double.
TOE: …. Is that something on In N Out’s secret menu?
Everything's a little better animal style. (source)
****
Still not totally sure what a triple double is, so if someone could enlighten me, that’d be baller! (That use of a basketball-derived slang word’s gotta count for something, right?)
****
And the above is so not the only time I’ve had to reach for an urban dictionary….
Growing up, we didn’t have a ton of holiday traditions. There was a tree and there were gifts and there was food, but nothing that was uniquely us. The only thing that came close was the yearly viewing of “Amahl and the Night Visitors.”
I was maybe 10 or so when my mom first pitched the idea of watching that movie to me. When she said what the plans were for the evening, I heard that we’d be watching something called “A Mall and the Night Visitors” and wondered what the f was so great about a story about some people who went shopping at night? I mean, kids trapped in a library, sure! (Thank you, Miss Frankweiler!) But what my mom was suggesting sounded ridiculous.
After she got done being offended by the wildly disgusted look on my face and realized the misunderstanding, she explained to me that AatNV was, in fact, an operetta about a little crippled boy who is visited by the Three Wise Men on their way to find Jesus.
She had me at “operetta.”
And now I’m wondering if “crippled” is a not-okay word to use these days.
Anyhoo, not only is it a fantastic little film, it’s also how I learned to sing opera. So I got two gifts that year. One, a movie to treasure always. And two, the assurance that I would never be burdened with popularity.
Please enjoy this clip from it.
What are your favorite (or least favorite) holiday traditions? Let us know in the comments!
And from me, my ugly sweater and two teddy bears getting it on to all of you: Have an amazing amazing holiday time–whatever you’re celebrating or not celebrating. However 2011 was for you, here’s to 2012 being even better! Thank you so so much for all your readings and commentings. I truly appreciate it and look forward to seeing everyone in the new year!!
…when it’s around 60 degrees in Los Angeles, gyms are crowded full of people trying to earn their upcoming holiday dinner, credit cards are getting maxed out and families everywhere are coming up with coping tactics for awkward, yet obligatory meals.
Ahhh, Christmas.
Time to plan that caroling party to sing some old favorites…or learn new ones (Like this one!)
What are your favorite holiday songs and traditions? Let us know in the comments!
There are a few things that will cause me to bolt out of bed in the morning: My recurring nightmare where I’m swimming through a swamp full of snakes, the momentary
And yes, my bed always has pristinely white sheets and drinks with twigs in them. Doesn't yours?
belief that I’ve missed my alarm and I’m two hours late for work, the sound of one of my cats yakking up her lungs onto the floor I just cleaned for the umpteenth time this week, the realization that this isn’t my bed and maybe I shouldn’t have had so much to drink at that networking event/conference/family reunion or a surprise email from a super wonderful character actor who happens to have been on one of my most favorite shows evereverevah!
This morning, I escaped #s 1-4 and was beyond delighted to get to experience #5. It was amazing. He spelled my name right, didn’t say I was stupid for emailing and while he didn’t offer to fly me to the country where he’s located, he did say that if for some reason I turned up there, we could meet in person.
Here’s my response to him. Actual text is in blue; What I felt like saying is slanty.
Hey there!Holy.Shit!!!
Thanks for writing back, it was great to hear from you! I literally just shit the bed. My roommates are wondering why I’m screaming and I’m so excited that I’ve barely noticed that my cats have thrown up right on my face. I’m so overstimulated in fact, that I’m not positive I’m not having a stroke.
Congrats on the new project. Sounds like a lot of fun! Look, I hope this isn’t presumptive of me, but how do you feel about winter weddings?
I’ll definitely let you know if I’m on your side of the pond.I can in no way afford to up and head to the UK right now, but I will sell my blood, these cats and maybe my roommates’ blood and cats if that’s what it takes to end up in your amazing amazing arms.
Best, I love you more than words, paintings or angels could possibly express.
And it doesn’t stop there! My soul must have an awesome 6-pack from the effort I spend muscling the crazy back inside where it belongs. Here’s a rundown of a typical day and the reason I’m always so exhausted by 7 p.m.
Yes. We be crazy.
6:45 a.m. (my bedroom)
Cats: Meow
Me: Hi Bobbie, Hi Marilyn. Look, I’m really really sorry that I don’t spend $20 a bag on good food, but c’mon, you eat your own throw up and the other day when I cut my foot and bled all over the floor, you ate that, too so you can’t be that picky!! But maybe the fact that this bag of food that feeds you for a month only cost $4 is the reason you have that bump on your belly ohmygodI’msosososorry!!!!
Cats: Meow
Me: Yes, I’ll feed you in a minute, babies. After I get done castigating myself in the shower for being such a terrible mother! *sobs…internally*
9:15 a.m. (office)
Boss: What are you working on today?
Me: I’m gonna update these schedules this morning and am in meetings all afternoon. But I will lick your office clean if that will ensure that you don’t regret hiring me.
12:30 p.m. (my office)
Friend: Wanna go to lunch?
Me: Sure! I’m your ninth choice for lunch company and you’re only doing this because you pity me, right?
4:23 p.m. (my office)
Coworker: Do you know what room the task force meeting is in?
Me: 552. I’m smelly, aren’t I?
7:00 p.m. (Trader Joes)
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Yup! Please love me.
9:56 p.m. (bed)
Cats: Meow.
Me: Fie! Take thy claws from out my heart and take thy form from off my door!
Cats: Nevermore…Meow.
***
Surely I’m not the only one riding this close to the tipping point of reason. What goes on in your head that should definitely stay there? Let it out and tell us about it in the comments!
Pretty much every year, a group of college students decides it’ll be a swell idea to host a party where people dress up like minorities by, among other things, donning some good ol’ fashioned blackface and sometimes a grill or two.
Just a reminder that these people were all making active choices.
Earlier this year, students at Université de Montréal donned blackface for a presentation in their business class.
C’est manifique, messieurs!
Last year, students at the University of California, San Diego hosted a “Compton Cookout.” The invitation to that party went a little something like this:
“February marks a very important month in American society. No, i’m not referring to Valentines day or Presidents day. I’m talking about Black History month. As a time to celebrate and in hopes of showing respect, the Regents community cordially invites you to its very first Compton Cookout.
For guys: I expect all males to be rockin Jersey’s, stuntin’ up in ya White T (XXXL smallest size acceptable), anything FUBU, Ecko, Rockawear, High/low top Jordans or Dunks, Chains, Jorts, stunner shades, 59 50 hats, Tats, etc.
For girls: For those of you who are unfamiliar with ghetto chicks-Ghetto chicks usually have gold teeth, start fights and drama, and wear cheap clothes – they consider Baby Phat to be high class and expensive couture. They also have short, nappy hair, and usually wear cheap weave, usually in bad colors, such as purple or bright red. They look and act similar to Shenaynay, and speak very loudly, while rolling their neck, and waving their finger in your face. Ghetto chicks have a very limited vocabulary, and attempt to make up for it, by forming new words, such as “constipulated”, or simply cursing persistently, or using other types of vulgarities, and making noises, such as “hmmg!”, or smacking their lips, and making other angry noises,grunts, and faces. The objective is for all you lovely ladies to look, act, and essentially take on these “respectable” qualities throughout the day.
A few years ago, word got out that students at Tarleton State University, University of Connecticut School of Law, Clemson University and the University of Arizona all threw ghetto parties on Martin Luther King Day.
Happy MLK Day, everyone!
It seems that like prostitution and casual drug use, these peccadilloes are here to stay. So instead of trying to legislate morality into students, maybe we should take a cue from the Libertarians and give everyone some guidelines on how to party like it’s 1849 without risk of disciplinary action. It’s like learning how to have safe sex…assuming that by “sex,” we mean “really terrible party ideas that the future leaders of our country maybe shouldn’t be coming up with.”
So here are some Dos and Don’ts for your next ghettotastic shindig.
DON’T: have a blackface party at a school with a black dean. I’m looking at you Mississippi!
DO: Keep a tight grip on the invite list. Some people are really sensitive and will report your party to school officials because they’re too busy not taking that stick out of their ass. So don’t let word get around that you’re hosting.
DON’T: Post pictures on facebook, Twitter, tumblr…actually, don’t take any pictures at all. Remember that person with the stick where the sun don’t shine? Well those same humorless aholes will likely send those pictures to someone who has the ability to make your life more difficult. So take the higher road and don’t give them the ammunition they need.
DO:not ask yourself why this is the theme you chose for your party in the first place. You have way too much to do to spend time thinking about your decisions may affect other people. Besides, don’t they see how ridiculously clever and ironic you are! Ugh! They’ve probably never heard of Middling Banana Sunshine Patrol either and MDSP is like the best thing to happen to house music since…you know what, never mind, you have to be really in the scene to even get what they’re doing.
DON’T: make friends with RBP..like ever. They will straight leave your ass (and maybe cut you) when they see the one picture you couldn’t help but take. They may also report you to the dean. Oreos are probably pretty safe as they won’t bother showing you the silent tears they’re crying on the inside.
DO: remember to wash off the shoe polish before class in the morning! Showing up with those streaks on your face will be as awkward as it was waking up to that person in your bed who was soooo not cute now that you’re sober. Ick!!
DON’T: bother maybe doing a quick Google search to see why blackface is so fucking offensive, it’ll just bring down the mood of the room – total party foul!
Happy Partying!!!
What other tips do have for getting away with pretty offensive behavior? What do you think of these parties? Have you ever been? When’s your next one? Can I come? Let us know in the comments!
So my video Why I Don’t Date Black Guys hit 100K views this week. And if you haven’t taken a tour around youtube comments in a while, you totally should. The youtube comment section is a very special place.
In honor of my 100K Day, I present this follow-up video….
What do you think? Do people who share genetic traits have an obligation to reproduce with each other? Let us know in the comments! And thanks for watching and reading and helping us get to 100K!
I was at the Magic Castle again yesterday. And per my Oreo habit, I was the only one of me enjoying mesmerizing mentalists, slippery sleights of hand and men displaying brilliant top hats, spats and patter. While I normally just delight in my singularity, I’ve spent a lot of time lately trying to puzzle out why this is the case.
Last Thursday at swing dancing, this weekend at Chinese Foot Massage and the other week at CalTech’s screening of “American Rocketeer,” I thought the same thing. At each event, there may have been one or two other Oreos…not at Chinese Foot Massage, though. I’ve never seen a black person there. And judging by how the Mandarin in the room gets louder and noticeably more full of laughs when they get around to kneading my amply ethnic bum, neither have they.
My life isn’t nearly made of as much awesome as I think it is….
Likelihood: NOT likely! There’s a move in lindy called “The Bandit.” Who doesn’t want to do something called The Bandit! And c’mon, have you seen a horse? They’re amazeballs! Who wouldn’t want to kiss their faces and ride around on them as they prance through something called The Equidome—the EQUIDOME!!
Look at that punim!!! You know you want to squish it.
Or maybe it’s because…
Black people, like ghosts, or…um… vampires or maybe highlanders, are unable to be seen with the naked eye in normal light environments.
Likelihood: Hmmm, more likely. I mean, I like all this stuff and I show up at these events. Self-image issues aside, I am not that special that I’ve figured out something that so many other of colors haven’t.
To be honest, I don't really get the Highlander business. If there can be only one, how do they reproduce?
Mayhaps it is due to the fact that…
We are actually living in a parallel jim crow universe, but I still get let in to cool events because my Oreo efforts have paid off and my assimilation is truly complete.
Likelihood: Maaaaaaybe, I am very very smoove. And I did have a dream that I went into space last night. Maybe it wasn’t a dream at all.
What's that? I'm in the wrong line? Oh, well, you don't mind letting me in anyway, do you? I'll save a spot for you at the yaaa-aacht. club.
Or perchance, we’ll find that…
Due to a complex system of geography, socio-economics, politics, an overly stressed education system and the media, people are still subtly encouraged to or discouraged from doing certain activities based on any number of superficial characteristics including ethnicity, income level, race or creed….
Likelihood: zzzzzz— huh? What? Woah, that one was really boring. I don’t have time to think in layers like that. Plus to be honest, I’m not sure what “creed” is exactly.
What do you think? Do you do things that more people, whatever they look like, should enjoy? Tell us about it in the comments! And the send us an invitation.
One of the biggest pieces of inspiration for an Oreo-to-be is film and TV. It’s so motivating to see what a diversity of experiences one can have…if one only had the foresight to not be you know…a brown.
With the summer over, it’s time for Hollywood to pull out a new season of films. Notable about this time of year is that this is where many strong Oscar contenders come from. Which means that these are the movies that filmmakers, young and old alike, will take their cues from. Here’s some of what’s coming up this fall and winter and how they stack up against the Oreo agenda.
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star – Nick Swardson does porn (finally!!)
Things White People Get to Do: Be part of a loving family, be content with simple things, be blissfully unaware, be sweet, be naive, be oddly cool, progressive parents, live in a small town, live in a big city, parody Almost Famous, be hot, be regular looking, be super hot with a regular looking boyfriend, be the hero.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: be threatening, drive a car.
Contagion – This is why we don’t touch people.
Things White People Get to Do in This Movie: Play craps, have a family, be an expert, cry convincingly, deliver bad news, be unable to accept bad news, probably be the focal point of a conspiracy, populate towns.
Things Not-White People Get to Do in This Movie: Play craps, provide and clarify exposition.
Main Street – English actors fake Southern accents
Things White People Get to Do: Fake an American accent, come up with a plan, be taken advantage of by the boss, be savvy about the boss, believe a stranger, be troubled, look out for the troubled, work in an office.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: Believe a stranger.
Warrior – Fighting!
Things White People Get to Do: have tattoos, cage fight, announce fights, reconnect with parents, gamble, join the military, lose a home, offer help, make up for lost time, walk around the house in matched undies and undershirt, throw tires around, be an adorable father, kiss the girl, be a war hero, cheer supportability, go head to head.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: walk through frame, lose a fight
I Don’t Know How She Does It – Whaaa?? A woman has a job and a life???!?!?
Things White People Get to Do: Have a career AND a family and be totes supes adorbs about it.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Straw Dogs – Small Town Life is Murdery
Things White People Get to Do: Watch old movies, be in old movies, be way too aggressive, terrorize innocents, be a cheerleader, have sex, have a nice date, disrespect their partners, sexually harass women, fight back against bullies, go to church, rise to the challenge, wield a tire iron, use boiling water effectively.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Drive – Ryan Gosling is hot. And dangerous. And hot.
Things White People Get to Do: be really good at driving, set up dirty deals, be mobsters, live in a big city, meet guys in elevators, be a stunt person, be a loving single mom, get their hands on more money than they were expecting, kiss the girl, bash someone’s head in, wear freaky masks, slit some throats, be the dad the dad couldn’t be.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: be a felon.
Abduction – It’s the Bourne movies, just with a werewolf teen
Things White People Get to Do: Experience an existential crisis, wrestle, host and attend pool parties, have an iPad, discover their past, illegally adopt children, fight like they do in the Bourne movies, be a rogue weapon, be the center of controversy, threaten teenagers, have sweet cars, ride trains,
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Dolphin Tale – Well, it’s a less porntastic title than Free Willy
Things White People Get to Do: Find tailless dolphin, believe in the tailless dolphin, provide a parallel storyline by having a badly wounded leg, hug awkwardly
Things Not-White People Get to Do: Be Morgan Effing Freeman, walk past a van
The Double- Richard Gere isn’t who he says he is.
Things White People Get to Do: Murder, be murdered, be powerful, be a smarty pants, throw down a challenge, become obsessed, have a family, be a threat, be level headed, be either a schizo madman or a brilliant strategist.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: swivel in a chair.
Killer Elite -Transporter 11?
Things White People Get to Do: get people “ready for this,” sport that awesome Clive Owen accent, punch, kick, make a chair fly with awesome glute action, get felt up in a pool.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: give advice.
Machine Gun Preacher – White People to the Rescue–Now With Heavy Artillery!!
Things White People Get to Do: have regret, stand in underwear, beg for help, get baptized, have a change of heart, save black people, make amends.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: be poor in Africa, be Freedom Fighters, be in a refugee camp, wield machine guns, try to kill the white guy, burn down a village.
Moneyball – He’s not in this movie, but have you seen how thin Jonah Hill is now??
Things White People Get to Do: run a baseball team, kick ass at their first job, change the game, have a family, sport some pretty obvious product placement, scare the intern.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: not be able to read the information on a vending machine, sit behind Brad Pitt, sit next to Jonah Hill.
50/50 – Cancer sucks.
Things White People Get to Do: be a best friend, cope as best they can, diagnose disease, provide therapy, be a supportive family, be a surprisingly cool old man, provide dubious support, go to bars.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a – this is especially exciting because one of the people who was closest to me dealt with this and I, not knowing what to do, ended up acting as the partner giving dubious advice that was meant to be playfully endearing. Glad to know that I definitely wasn’t acting like an RBP. Apparently, I was acting like Seth Rogan.
Dream House -Wait, isn’t this the same schtick in the Richard Gere movie??
Things White People Get to Do: have a family, have sex, suspect something is wrong, be creepy townies, be bad neighbors, not know who they are, ride trains, relax in a bath, look like the kids from The Shining.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: walk through a door.
What’s Your Number? – Okay, I kinda heart Anna Faris even if she did have plastic surgery.
Things White People Get to Do: date, stand in underwear, look for love, be a puppeteer, be delightfully awkward, make deep, personal insights,
Things Not-White People Get to Do: provide advice, be a rocket scientist, be gay, attend a lovely wedding.
Wait?? A silly, floppy comedy is the movie that’s brave enough to risk putting of color ppl in real roles?
Dirty Girl – Southern Gals are Sassy!
Things White People Get to Do: be Southern, feather their hair, promote abstinence, push the envelope, be preggers, assign homework, have a good family, have a bad family, discover family secrets, drop a flour baby on its head, run away, dance with ribbons.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
The Ides of March – This Just In: Politicians Lie
Things White People Get to Do: fly in private planes, be sure of themselves, recruit promising young people, make a difference, be a good candidate, be a bad candidate, make good deals, make bad deals, demand loyalty, wear suits, get in over their head.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: stand next to George Clooney.
Real Steel -Robots Fight in a Plot That Doesn’t Look Thin at All
Things White People Get to Do: recognize how the fight has changed, make robots, place bets, win some, lose some.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: announce a fight, attend fights.
The Big Year – Men Make a Bucket List Competitive
Things White People Get to Do: have a big house, have a great job, be angsty at family, go skiing, compete with each other, see the world, make up for lost time.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: set up a Jack Black joke, sit in front of Owen Wilson, set up another Jack Black joke.
Father of Invention – You Had Me at “White” Collar Crime
Things White People Get to Do: commit white collar crimes, be embarrassed about their family, expect the best, discover the worst, fall from grace, climb back up again, sing, make coffee, shine a light on other characters, be behind the times, play Rock Band.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: marry a super hot gal while her husband is in prison.
Fireflies in the Garden – I Haven’t Seen a Firefly Since College!
Things White People Get to Do: be abusive, be abused, accidentally kill someone, be EMTs, process the past, write a tell all, have loving catch phrases, do the best with what they have.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Footloose – Are They Gonna Keep that Awkward Dancing By Himself Scene?
Things White People Get to Do: Live in a small town, live in a big town, have a family, be in positions of authority, have attitude, drive cars, make rules, challenge the rules, date, play chicken with school buses, tempt a train.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: be one of the guys, play sports, be in the crowd, deliver high fives.
Trespass -Nick Cage Has an Academy Award
Things White People Get to Do: have a family, have an amazing house, have a secret vault, stage an elaborate break in, be brutal, lie, cheat, steal, take big risks.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Margin Call – I totally chatted up Zack Quinto during Star Trek. We were basically besties.
Things White People Get to Do: work on Wall Street, get fired, keep working, go over the figures, place blame, dump stocks, go to strip clubs, empathize for the commoners, ride elevators, set into motion events that change America for a good long time.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: sit at a desk in the background.
The Three Musketeers – I’m not sure that tripod weapon existed back then. Or the spiky ball thing.
Things White People Get to Do: Sport dashing period costumes, fence beautifully, be clergy, be commoner, be captivating, create amazing dirigibles,
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
In Time -Hey! It’s the Guy From Big Bang Theory!
Things White People Get to Do: have a family, be stunning, be rich, be blue collar, make an important trade, owe someone their life–literally, ask people to look inside themselves, lead a revolution.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: walk behind Cillian Murphy, walk through scene at a party, deliver a line of exposition, sit behind Cillian Murphy, be grateful for a gift.
The Rum Diary – Johnny Depp drinks a lot, is still adorable.
Things White People Get to Do: be a disaster, be a tough boss, be an adorable ex-pat, find creative solutions to problems, find the one white gal on the island, populate a yacht, make innuendo, hallucinate, print papers, be unafraid of death by car, shower.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: populate Puerto Rico, practice voodoo.
Tower Heist – I love you, Ben
Things White People Get to Do: Be the boss of the staff, be the staff, commit financial crimes, come up with a plan to get the bad guy, vocalize the need for a criminal, have asthma, disrespect the little guy.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: recognize racial disparity, be the staff, be locked up for non-savvy crimes, tutor people on how to rob, hit on the other black person in the movie.
A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas – Umm, this movie has two minority leads. There’s no way it can be interesting/marketable/worth the time. Sheesh!
Jack and Jill – Men in Drag are always hilarious
Things White People Get to Do: have a family, be rude, come over for dinner, hurt a horse, adopt a kid, have a cat, get hit on by Al Pacino, re-live youth, break the laws of physics on a jet ski.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: work in an office.
Melancholia – The End of The World Set to Soothing Music
Things White People Get to Do: get married, have access to a giant sundial, toast, be grumpy, ride horses, be unsatisfied, balletically prepare for the end of days.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
The Twilight Saga – Breaking Dawn – Hmm. I thought we were done with these
Things White People Get to Do: show off their trapezius, send a letter, get a letter, morph, get married (aren’t they like 14??), go to Brazil, kiss a lot, expect us to believe that a belly that tiny could hold a baby.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: be in a wheelchair
A Dangerous Method – Keira Knightley does a bunch of accents. And her doctor.
Things White People Get to Do: answer questions, ask questions, ride in carriages, dress beautifully, be crazy, try new procedures, hide from sex get laid, have a gorgeous boat, face temptation.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Hugo – The Spirit of Christmas Embodies a Cyborg
Things White People Get to Do: be a sweet dad, be a loved son, have a dog, run from authority, be all mysterious, make friends with a robot, enjoy miracles.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – No one mentions that cheese kanji she has on her ankle. She thinks it says “love.” It doesn’t. Ahh, college.
Things White People Get to Do: investigate, have dinners, live in cold climates, be part of the crowd, grow ill, come to the end of their ropes, keep searching.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
War Horse -You’ll Cry.
Things White People Get to Do: fall in love with nature, defend their homes, run through town, practice excellent riding posture, draw very well, grow up, tell their story.
Things Not-White People Get to Do: n/a
Whew! I was worried that I was going to see examples of myself in various and interesting situations. But luckily, I’ve been reminded that being of color is just not that interesting. Why else would of color folks be kept out of the canon of one of the most powerful industries going?
I’d say this was no big deal and that I and others might accept my blackness anyway. But the repetition of images (or the omission of images) is pretty much what the entire advertising industry is based on. So I guess a message is definitely getting across.
And thank God for it! I have spent way too much money relaxing my hair for it to be otherwise!
The Oreo Experience 