fan mail

Between the Lines – Some Translations of Common Conversations

There are a few things that will cause me to bolt out of bed in the morning: My recurring nightmare where I’m swimming through a swamp full of snakes, the momentary

And yes, my bed always has pristinely white sheets and drinks with twigs in them. Doesn't yours?

belief that I’ve missed my alarm and I’m two hours late for work, the sound of one of my cats yakking up her lungs onto the floor I just cleaned for the umpteenth time this week, the realization that this isn’t my bed and maybe I shouldn’t have had so much to drink at that networking event/conference/family reunion or a surprise email from a super wonderful character actor who happens to have been on one of my most favorite shows evereverevah!

This morning, I escaped #s 1-4 and was beyond delighted to get to experience #5. It was amazing. He spelled my name right, didn’t say I was stupid for emailing and while he didn’t offer to fly me to the country where he’s located, he did say that if for some reason I turned up there, we could meet in person.

Here’s my response to him. Actual text is in blue; What I felt like saying is slanty.

Hey there! Holy.Shit!!!

Thanks for writing back, it was great to hear from you! I literally just shit the bed. My roommates are wondering why I’m screaming and I’m so excited that I’ve barely noticed that my cats have thrown up right on my face. I’m so overstimulated in fact, that I’m not positive I’m not having a stroke.

Congrats on the new project. Sounds like a lot of fun! Look, I hope this isn’t presumptive of me, but how do you feel about winter weddings? 

I’ll definitely let you know if I’m on your side of the pond. I can in no way afford to up and head to the UK right now, but I will sell my blood, these cats and maybe my roommates’ blood and cats if that’s what it takes to end up in your amazing amazing arms.

Best, I love you more than words, paintings or angels could possibly express.

And it doesn’t stop there! My soul must have an awesome 6-pack from the effort I spend muscling the crazy back inside where it belongs. Here’s a rundown of a typical day and the reason I’m always so exhausted by 7 p.m.

Yes. We be crazy.

6:45 a.m. (my bedroom)

Cats: Meow

Me: Hi Bobbie, Hi Marilyn. Look, I’m really really sorry that I don’t spend $20 a bag on good food, but c’mon, you eat your own throw up and the other day when I cut my foot and bled all over the floor, you ate that, too so you can’t be that picky!! But maybe the fact that this bag of food that feeds you for a month only cost $4 is the reason you have that bump on your belly ohmygodI’msosososorry!!!!

Cats: Meow

Me: Yes, I’ll feed you in a minute, babiesAfter I get done castigating myself in the shower for being such a terrible mother! *sobs…internally*

9:15 a.m. (office)

Boss: What are you working on today?

Me: I’m gonna update these schedules this morning and am in meetings all afternoon. But I will lick your office clean if that will ensure that you don’t regret hiring me.

12:30 p.m. (my office)

Friend: Wanna go to lunch?

Me: Sure! I’m your ninth choice for lunch company and you’re only doing this because you pity me, right?

4:23 p.m. (my office)

Coworker: Do you know what room the task force meeting is in?

Me: 552. I’m smelly, aren’t I?

7:00 p.m. (Trader Joes)

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Yup! Please love me.

9:56 p.m. (bed)

Cats: Meow.

Me: Fie! Take thy claws from out my heart and take thy form from off my door!

Cats: Nevermore…Meow.


Surely I’m not the only one riding this close to the tipping point of reason. What goes on in your head that should definitely stay there? Let it out and tell us about it in the comments!


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